I’m physically crippled by a childlike sense of optimism
towards a wave of “opportunity”. Convinced I’m young.
I quit my job today, and will get my paycheck for one day
of paid training. He looked in my eyes and said,
"You made a promise for ten days, you should commit to it".
I responded, “The speed of things played into my anxieties and
it made it easy to make those promises”, knowing full well
such a “promise” never took place, and years of guilt trips
from my father made it easier to slither out of those arms.
I will spend my single day of labor on Christmas gifts probably.
"Hindsight is 20/20", except the past only makes sense
in bits and pieces at first. I’m eaten alive by anxieties,
but every bit and piece of me is stronger than the whole idea.
The future is happening all at once,
and I’m desensitized to it.
I don’t want a job.
I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to go to college.
I want to do what I love, and the problem
is that I sincerely love doing nothing. Right to work,
right to sing,
right to starve.