there are no words, no combination of letters to explain the feeling that sparks through my body when you touch me.

there isn't a way to explain my love for you, to explain the sense of calm that washes over me just when a smile dances onto your lips.

a thousand different novels can be written about your kiss but not one will fully explain how much you mean to me.

I used to think I was temporary.
in people's lives, in relationships, in everything.
I used to think I was as temporary as the flowers who only stay on the trees for a couple of weeks- beautiful, but only for a second.
beautiful & loved, but only until I fell apart, fell down.
I'm blooming again, but I don't want to be temporary.
I want what I become after the beauty passes to be as loved as it was before.
I can't do temporary anymore.
I need permanent.

love is a four letter word that has always terrified me.
it has been replaced with other four letter words-  "lies" and "gone",
harsh words with harsher meanings buried underneath the gentleness of love.
but when I look at you,
I know that "love" is more than just a word.
I know that it doesn't hold nightmares behind its sweet exterior.
I can look at you and see myself loving you for forever,
and maybe forever is too long,
and maybe forever is more terrifying than a four letter word could ever be.
maybe you can't see forever when you look into my eyes,
but I see forever with just one smile of yours.

February  12 2016
loving someone can fill your stomach with killer bees,
have your fragile little heart be held by someone else ,
and tear the walls down you thought would never fall.

but loving someone can also replace those bees with gentle butterflies;
the slight flutter it does when he smiles at you.
it can make you trust enough to have him hold your heart in his calloused hands;
trust him enough to not crush it into a million little pieces.
it can make you take the hammer that you usually took to your skin, and knock down the walls you surrounded yourself with;
tear them down enough to let him look at even the darkest parts of your soul.

love can teach you that even if you hate every inch of yourself,
he will find beauty in every flaw.
he will kiss the self hate away,
squeeze you hard enough that every broken piece of you will slowly come back together.

love teaches you that it doesn't even matter what you look like naked,
the only thing that matters is tearing each other's clothes off and losing yourselves in each touch,
each scratch,
each kiss.

it will teach you to be okay with crying in front of another person;
your pillow doesn't have to be the only thing that listens to you when your demons come out to play at 3am.

*love can teach you that everything you hated about yourself,
could somehow be loved by another.

January 21 2016
there's never a day where I don't think about you.
because it's you, you, you.
I can't go a day without thinking about your lips on mine.
it'll always be you.
*and I'm so ******* sorry I can't show you how much I'm in love with you.

January 31-February 10 2016
*because they're all the same ******* thing in the end.

(January 30 2016)
"should we blame it on the mental illness or the addiction?"
*you have to be a little messed up in the head to fall into addiction.
so it's okay to blame both.