i feel the weight of it on these shoulders
making it hard for me to speak
it's always always boulders
raining down so i feel weak

all those places and happy spaces
misplaced guilt; a lover's touch
i recoiled my hand and you grew free
i absentee

months pass and still it weeps
nothing, nowhere, goals aside
i find myself holed up inside this keep
desperately clinging to such selfish pride

the cracks mount and the **** breaks
splilling forward; such great haste
swearing thusly it might empty
yet finding more; forever aplenty

how do you go back to a home you burnt down?
how do you gather the strength to walk those dilapidated halls?
should it be the same?
should you take another chance?

i don't know if i can.

each time i convince myself to step forward
these echoes pull me back
the places we shared stretched smiles
the sun burning bright on your dark brown hair

me, in love with everything you were
my tongue tripping over words, tying itself in knots
desperately trying to form sentences to convey
how i felt about you:
my summer love, deepest of my life
how could i ever walk away?
how could i leave you for some self assured self benefit?

now how can i return, knowing what could have been
will never be
how can i return, knowing things will never be the same?

I didn't want you,
I wanted love
and I have realised
that they are not the same thing.

You were a mould
that I poured my insecurities in,
a computer I tried to program.

But you are a sky,
stormy and clear and rainy and warm.

You were so blue when I longed for red.

I didn't want you.
I wanted the thought.

an immesnse will of altruistic fire
your blaze unconsciously set deep
within once-blackened halls
these chambers of my heart
how? i plead
how now can you gently request
a failure of remembrance;
my isolation from these feelings

great swaths of regret
find consummation in my head
i lament, i lament, i lament
as the record of events
brokenly replays bright moments
evolved into bitter self-torments
until your lovely name is nothing
nothing but an all-too-familiar poison
a venom of my own concoction.

i drink; gleefully
unready to face the loneliness of existence
this reality henceforth set in motion
i am without you.
i am without you.
i am without.
i am
i

choking;
another memory consumes me
you beaming your sunny smile;
our dinner at a floral restaurant
laughing over unexpected prices
silhouetted by the last evening light of summer

so many days of late
my heart finds itself slingshotted
back to powerfully happy moments
picture-perfect snapshots before the spark was extinguished
and mountainous emotions grew to divide us

as the reflections grow stronger
these bright events will become what is chosen to be recalled
instead of the grim reality of the situation placed before me:
that while i saw forever in your eyes
sometimes a dream is just a dream.