Hey, you.
It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?
Forever, really.
I don’t remember what year it was.
I tore out the dedication page in the newspaper.
I missed your funeral.
But I stayed up for three nights, hoping to hear
You’d come back.
For years,
I thought you’d come back.

I wonder if you grew up next to me;
You were always in the empty seat.
You were my age then, weren’t you?
Never got to turn thirteen
I wonder if you will ever step out of the fire at night while I’m sleeping,
Instead of backing in.

I don’t remember your voice.
I barely remember your name, or the way you wore your hair.
I wonder if they buried you in purple.
I remember the song we sang for you,
The one about the butterflies…
I really hope you heard it.

"I don't feel strong enough."
"Well, at least you have a flat stomach."
Let's damage each other
Let's replace another meal with a bottle of water or unsweetened tea
Let's pray to be beautiful
Let's sit in five minute planks and run five miles and hope we throw up
Let's pretend that I've eaten three meals today, or yesterday, or the day before
Let's define myself by calories and carbohydrates and questionable decisions
Let me rot from my bone marrow to my skin which are just inches apart
Let me fade away until I am reborn


But I'm lucky and so the story doesn't end there
I left the scale under the cabinet
I went for a run because I love to feel my feet on the ground
I came home and ordered takeout
I'm not going to let my body rot
I've chosen life
I've chosen to be whole and real again
My girlfriend can touch me because I am more than skin and bones
I am more than a statistic
And I will always pray to be beautiful
But I will never starve to death.