I'm just surprised chest hasn't collapsed from all of the times I've had a racing heart
I'm surprised my eyes haven't floated out with all of these tears
I'm surprised my fingers haven't fallen off from my constantly shaking hands
I'm surprised I'm not in a mental hospital due to the fact that there are constant signs that I'm broken but no one seems to notice.

My mother died 3 years ago.
I honestly don't feel like she's dead.
I feel like this is some sick joke being played on me, and I'm just waiting for the cameras to show. Like how can someone so important just be gone? It doesn't seem possible. But either way she is gone and I miss her and I want her back but there is absolutely nothing I can do and that is what kills me the most.

I guess i forgot to mention that
when someone breaks your heart
all the heartbeats that they gave you
get taken back tenfold
and sometimes it leaves you
empty
or close to death

I'm not a poet, I am simply a lost cause.
I am not a poet, I am the death that comes with life.
I am not a poet, I am lost motivation.
I am not a poet, I am the sadness that brings depression.
I am not a poet, I am me and that's terrible enough.

I am tired, so tired of breathing the same depression polluted air. I can no longer breathe without exhaling razor blades, they cut my throat just like when i say your name. I told myself that my thoughts weren't devoted to you but they are starting to be and how I predicted this summer would be sweet. .it is bitter with the taste of your lips and the cigarettes that you smoked. I have fallen. Not for you but for sadness, for the razor blades, panic attacks, the thoughts of death and all the rest.  I'm not saying I'm in love with it...I'm saying I'm in love with the fact that it replaces you. Because surely that is what I deserve.

Some days I look at my wrists and think it's almost over the scars are almost gone I've almost won...but then the blade calls me back for a reunion and you know how you can never turn down your old friends. ..becasue they were the ones there for you when no one else was but they also left you alone when things got too hard to handle

I may be dead inside but i walk like i could **** a man and i'll love you until it hurts.

Wow, I'm alone. Maybe not physically but I am alone.  The most alone that anyone can possibly be I'm surrounded by breathing bodies but Im not sure if they're even real.  Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure if I'm real. Maybe none of this is real. Maybe it's a nightmare.

It is so easy to think badly of yourself if you don't know why someone stopped loving you.

I am literally so concerned for your well being that i cannot sleep at night.
I lay awake for the 10 hours i would usually sleep.
My body trembles at the thought of you being unhappy with life.
I want nothing more than to spend my life with you,
except to see you happy, i want that more than anything.
I would give you all the oxygen that has flowed through my lungs in the 16 years of my life, just to see you smile and oh dear god i know i want to see you smile.
Your smile makes me feel like there actually is a god and i am an atheist.
The way my hands fit yours makes me want to believe that the stars shine just for us.
I cant even begin to think of a world where you don't exist
because it would be a world where my happiness doesn't exist

I'm back with because I have a little more motivation since I'm feeling extra suicidal so cool , right? ... Pain is art... Art is pain..

You asked me why I love you
I said I didn't know
But it's not that I don't love you
It's just that my mind is so full
of destruction that I feel like if I tell you
it might be too much for you to handle

I might break you with the weight of my heart because indeed my heart is heavy
My heart is a burden. Because it hold the past which is a burden in its entirety.

So I'm sorry that I did not have the words and I'm sorry if I made you believe
That my love for you
is non existent.

Darling it exists, and all too much.

I was sitting in my now hollowed out room
emptied for the transition to our new house.
There were memories.
Countless jokes, tears, fascinations, and obsessions.
To leave them all behind would be a crime,
so i sat there trying to remember  every second, letter,
music note that ever existed in that room.
Surprisingly i came up with only one word.
You
You were the only thing i could remember about myself.
As if you created  my entire being.
Maybe you did.
Maybe all there is to me is you.
*Maybe thats why i feel so empty now that you're gone.

I live for the days where I'm awake at 4 am and I'm not crying
I live for the days where I'm not contemplating death
I live for the fact that yea I'm a bit anxious **** that's a good thing because you make me happy.
I live for the moments that I get to talk to you.  
I live for the moments that I feel wanted.
I live for you.

I never knew that the instinct that is supposed to save my life would destroy me

It’s that moment when you realize he didn’t really love you and he DIDN’T actually want to be with you when you say to yourself he only "loved ” you out of pity, because in reality he was in love with someone else and now everything that crosses your path somehow reminds you of him and your wrists are stained permanently because you thought it would be the only way to get rid of him without hurting anyone important but instead those memory filled scars only remind you of him because he is the reason behind them after all, but you blame yourself, because these days everything is simply your fault and you sit here and question yourself "where did I go wrong , what should I have changed to make my life more bearable” and you cry because you miss it but you don’t know what part of it you miss you cry because you think you ****** up and you cry because when you cry there’s a million and one things to cry about and you hear"oh wow you guys would be an amazing couple" and you try not to cry because you’re scared he will be disgusted by the thought of you, and you try not to cry mostly because there are people around ….you try not to cry because you don’t want anyone to know you’re broken…but you’ve failed already…you’re not even thinking silently anymore you’re screaming it for the whole world to hear. …

It was the summer of 2014.
We were dating.
And every day we were together I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and wonder why you wanted me
And the day you broke up
With me i woke up at looked at myself again
And I saw nothing
There was only a shadow of what I thought I was
I looked and looked and looked and I still couldn't find who I was before you ruined me
I'm praying that one day I will wake up and find myself
The person I used to be before the wreckage

Who do you tell that you need them
When supposedly someone else needs them more ?

Who do you run to when you want to run away but you  know you need to stay ?

Where do you go when you've been everywhere but no one wants you anymore ?

How can  I feel anything but abandonment when everyone lies about their love for me?

I've been asleep for so long but I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain dissolving the soil  
every time I start to fall asleep again I feel slightly suffocated by my thoughts
and then I think of you
I think of you here
but the thing is that it scares me
all of the what ifs and the uncertainty of it all
you probably don't even want to see me

tumbling
        tumbling
               tumbling

so far for so long, it feels like death will be soon to come.
       but my mind set has made me forget that
                 falling doesn't mean you're falling down the wrong path.

Every time my heart gets broken it feels like the first time.

When I said
I wanted to fall in love
I did not mean
I wanted to bleed

I was About 15 extremely naive
Love seemed like a big word to me
Said time and Time again
I did not know that  word would make me spend my summer nights drinking *****
In my closet at 3 in the morning.

Now I'm about 16 wondering why I dream of that word
Why do I wish to fall in love
Even after I know last time I Almost died
It won't be metaphorically speaking when someone says "she died of a broken heart"
I will be gone...and the reason is love.
I am literally dying of a broken heart but you don't seem to give many *****.

what would you think of me if i told you that i label the passing of years by what boy was breaking my heart at the time?

never open up because
someone will plant a bomb
where your heart belongs
and it will destroy you
tear you to shreds
you will disintegrate
don't open up
its not worth the heartbreak
save yourselves
because i couldn't save myself

I don't say "hopefully" anymore because that implies that I have hope.

I mean I suppose I'm "better"
If by better you mean better at hiding it
Then yea I'm doing way better.
See, no one really seems to care anymore
No one seems to understand anymore
But I guess it's for the best because anyone Who understands would be able to relate to this and I wouldn't wish that on anyone not even my worst enemies.

At first it felt like it was too soon, but then I realized love doesn't really know time. It has no eyes to view a clock, nor does it have ears to hear its perpetual tempo. It only has feelings. Feelings of longing, feelings of trust, and feelings of hope. Feelings that time can not affect. And of course love knows no distance, but distance is very fond of love. You see love is a tricky thing. Love knows it's difficulties. Love knows that if it wants to it can make you lose sleep, it can make you forget your pain, it can even make you forget your own name if it wanted to, but most of all it can make you fall in love and forget the burden of distance.
To love someone from a distance might be the most difficult thing I've ever done but I think it's also the most important thing I've ever done. I've never been this proud of my decisions.

wow i loved you just to be stripped
of my trust for you, you said that
i looked sad then you asked why
and after a while i told you
and you looked at me with sad eyes and said
"i wont let anything hurt you"
but then you turned around
and slit my wrists yourself
and there i was
foolish enough to give you another chance..
and not even a week later
i hear that you're coming back for me
with a knife and now
you are going to try to end my life
before you end the relationship
that shouldn't have existed in the first place
.becasue that would hurt much less

My life may be dull
But it sure is dull.


There's nothing else to it.
I'm bored and I want to die.

for someone who wants to die i am pretty terrified that death is surrounding me

I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with being your sometimes.

The morning was an" I love you" and the night was an "Im with someone else now." .

It looks like I should start  standing  for something about now because I really do fall for everything.

What are you supposed to do when you are at edge but you have no one to step back for?...All there's left to do is ...jump.

give me a reminder of why my existence is even relevant in life.