My sweetest brother.
You always took care of me.
You saw me struggle through my teenage years.
I fought so hard to be a part of the family.
And you reached out to me.
You loved me unconditionally.
You took me out to dinner and gave me gifts.
You always complimented me.
You always opened doors for me.
Nothing less than a gentleman.
You taught me what a man should be.
We laughed so much.
We cried so much.
And you always made everything better.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your eyes..
With the one brown spot in the middle of the green.
I miss how your voice sounded.
I miss you speaking Portuguese.
I miss your arm around me.
But I miss your laugh the most.
Especially when you would laugh at my jokes.
They deserved groans, but you rewarded me with joy.
I love you.

All these thoughts swirling in my head
About what to do, who to be
I've never experienced shutting down
Then waking up for the first time
The control that I had, totally gone
And now I'm completely free
Because the structure is missing
And the thoughts are the same
My mind's interpretations are new

I've never felt so blank in my life
I used to be a thousand colors - chaos
Now, I am an empty, white canvas
Waiting for God to paint something beautiful
Hoping for something more than me

Hiding in my mind is the easiest
Reality hurts too much
Holding someone can help
But I'm not looking for temporary fixes
Love is the hardest thing to feel
I never know if I'm permitting it
Besides, nobody ever feels it with me
Being alone is all that makes sense
I doubt I'll ever fall in love
But either way, I'll be fine

I listened but I heard no sound
Falling from his lips.
Instead I heard my beating heart
Wanting to meet his.

I loved how his hands would follow
When his mouth would move.
For a busy mind like mine
His tender voice did soothe.

-ARI

All that is left in me,
All I can ask,
Is, "Why?"