Even during seemingly normal days
days I would deem okay,
I find my mind drifting back
to memories of liquor and pills
oxy and xanax
wax coating on my lips
the kind of numbness that would make any addict jealous
Liquor and pills are my way of making sure I don’t have to rely on days that are just okay
to help curve all of the days that are not
I long to believe things are over again
so i can have every reason to let go again

I am not sure who infected who,
all I know is we are only rotting together

They call you crazy
but I know you’re just lost
Choice
Is the word they use to describe your actions
“Why did she choose to leave her kids”
“Why can’t she choose to put down the bottle”
But I promise mom,
I promise you’re not crazy
because I feel it too
I’m not sure how we got here
or how we will manage to get back
but I promise we will find peace one day
and we will do it together

Good night
To my love and my plague
to the liquid courage that ends - no,
starts my day
I cannot wait to taste you soon

Good morning
To regret and to shame
to asking, what did I do this time
since I cannot remember

Good day
to the longing
to the thoughts of you on my lips again
the shame has already faded by now,
and has opened more room for you to fill my head

Hello and goodnight
To my love
I welcome your sickness once again
and as always,
I am pleased to cease the thoughts
for tonight

Sad, pretty girl
you ****** blew it
probably only one drink too many
and you just couldn’t help but
bare your ill little secrets to the world
You spoke too fast
much too soon
so instead of sleeping in the clouds tonight
you’re on a rubber bed,
covered with rubber sheets
with those ****** socks meant for crazies on your feet

You blamed the drugs
and you blamed the *****
Every time you took a look in the mirror
you chose to reassure yourself
instead of those you left behind
Even now after two months sober
no more drugs
and no more *****
you continue to be able to look at yourself in a mirror
and I have no ******* idea how

And I look out the window
the sun is out for the first time in too long
The cold shies away just the slightest bit
as I allow relief to fill my chest
Relief has always been something
that brings me closest to joy
It allows me to think and to breath
to remember that I deserve some care too
The sunshine melts the snow and washes away some of my worries
Even if only for a short while