"You're gonna get sick and weak if you don't eat."
But what if I already am?
These emotions have consumed my heart entirely.
I cannot tame this feeling,
     but I can control everything else.
Being skinny...
     bones are considered beautiful,
     food is the enemy,
     muscles are weakness,
so the fruit in my water is not to be consumed,
     but only to be tasted.
I have begun to become so numb that it has spread to my physical
     self.
Unlocking my front door this morning...
     I could see it unlock and open,
     but I did not feel it.

How does love work?
Is it chemistry like so many people say?
Or it is just the human brain manipulating itself?
It doesn’t matter what causes it because it’ll happen anyways.

Prince Charming.
No other man like him:
Sweet, Romantic, Manly,
Loving, Courageous, Caring,
Selfless.
The man I would dream of on the darkest days of my childhood.

But there is you:
Hard headed and *****.
Exactly what I need, right?

Tearing every inch of me apart and sewing me back together.
Then cutting me,
but soothing my pain with a bandaid followed by your gentle touch.
Cutting me again, this time deeper,
Then looking into my eyes with a sweet sorrow and using your magic to numb me again.
It continues.
Until my leg disappears.
I am not fine with it,
but you convince me that I am okay.
That I am happy.
That I am happy.
That I still need you.

There's no logic in it... all feeling.

He was able to make love to me even though I had no make up on.
He was able to look into my eyes as he pleasured both of us.
He was able to kiss me deeply even after we had *** when we were saying goodbye.

But still said, "I don't know about next year."
But he meant, "we'll see if I can suppress my feelings this summer, so next semester we can try to only be friends. Just friends. Not more. Nothing more."
But I don't understand how we could do that. Maybe he just isn't thinking about me. Maybe he's thinking about himself feeling better and assuming that I'll end up adapting to being friends again. I have to. Don't I? Is there any other choice?

Does he even know that I fell in love?
Even if he did, he wouldn't want to believe it.
He wouldn't want to believe that he is about to attempt to inflict so much pain upon me.
He wants to believe he is a better person than that, but is he really doing anything for either of us by doing so?

You say the only time you have been mad at me is when you saw the bleeding flesh on my left upper thigh, but little do you know that I needed you.
I needed you to care.
I didn't care if it made you mad, but I needed to feel something again.
I began to become numb to the feelings that I had once thought were too potent, too toxic.

You didn't ask if I was ever mad at you, but I was... maybe I still am.
I am mad for making me fall in love with you.
I am mad at myself for being blind to the simple fact that I was falling in love with you.

But none of this matters, does it?
I've learned that no matter what I say or do, you can block it out.
It may touch your heart, but the second it does you run twenty miles in the other direction.
You're untouchable.

I could send this to you.
I want to send this to you,
But honestly, this comes from the purest part of my soul and this piece of writing does not deserve your lack of care and attention.

So, next time just don't fall in love with a man that's afraid of love.