since i was a little girl,
i've been a very good actress
earlier in life, i was a golden girl
way ahead than my peers, a shining over-achiever
good in being too much, too much unlikeable

in my teenage years,
i played the role of misery
with grey clouds hanging over my head
custom-made puddles beneath my feet
and hand-drawn cross-stitches on my left wrist

through the end of adolescence,
i starred in a star-crossed romance
in which i was a frustrating lover
the "always leaving others" lover
the "you will only understand my action when we're in our 40s" lover

now that i am a 2 years old adult,
i am acting like a lost child in a big playground
mind spiraling down the slide
shaky judgements on the see-saw
the fool climbing the monkey-bar

man, i am such a star...

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am sitting on the floor
right where you left me

i think i think i think
it was all in my head, it cannot be real
i am right where you left me
with questions you never cared to heed

"how was your day?"
how have you been?
two questions, with only one answer
always me, you...never

"is there any problems?"
why are you frowning?
i lay it all on the table
you say it was none of my business

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am lying on the bed i made
right where i left "you"

i think i think i think
it was all in my head, this cannot be real
why am i here, where i left you?
i have no answers, you never cared to give

you said you did not understand
said it was my lack of communication
my flaws were like a communal service
and my queries were confrontational...i guess

like when you undress me in the evening
while you were fully-clothed all night
used to say i kept hiding
but it was me, you never fully trust in...

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am standing on the spot you missed
right where we left us

i think i think i think
it was all in our heads, it was not real
why are we here, where we left us?
only one of us have the answer,
this time it is me:

you loved me so good,
you did not let me do it back

but love, is a two-sided coin
pennies for your thoughts
...which i never got

It's been
1,987,200 seconds
33,120 minutes
552 hours
23 days
3 weeks and 2 days
6.28% of 2024
without you

The world becomes quiet, yet hustling
It's like the space and time is warped
everything seems small and suffocating
Most of the time, I am fine
Not remembering is fine
Ignorance make me alright

But every now and then
You come pop in my head just like that
And I'm back to square one
Rejecting any food
Cannot smile
Chaos intensify

World falling apart
Grieving for the living
Attending the burial of sweetness
Everything we built, you built
I crashed it like a car

It's been
1,987,200 seconds
33,120 minutes
552 hours
23 days
3 weeks and 2 days
6.28% of 2024
yet I'm back again to the first morning
without you

So I'm telling myself
Of those 1039 days...I'm letting go
I'm letting you go
Step by step
One second at a time...

My laundry didn't fall off the clothesline
Today was windy and the sun shines
Cheers to small victories!

you coax me in my turbulent nights
you keep me tight under the sheets
you hold me through the days
you let me rest and relax
you tell me to be carefree
you showed me freedom
you made me rest my pieces
that no risk need to be calculated
or so it seems

little did i know
your stomach was kept full when i lose appetite
the midnight oil was burnt for the sake of your future
you trade my property for treasure
you drove my car, convince me i don't need a license
you turn my life around and make it yours
you overrun my house, made me felt i was at home

your comfort, safety,
the rest, time and space you offered me
was your building blocks to a self-made reverie
a better bigger you, and the little old me
you practise and practise
while i eschew all plans for you
you decide to rebrand everything new
puzzles and chess
and when it all collides
when i see what conspires
too late for the afflicted
****, i am checkmated

and here i am,
sitting on my own
eating the food i cook for two

If not the love we desperately sought,
what else could ache more?
Even a pluviophile would take cover
from a torrential downpour...

You're the one running
yet I'm the one...
who's out of my breath

It's you.
It's me.
It's us.

i know you're out there
maybe painting poems
using hues thru journeys
on your life canvas

while you're strolling through
the decadency of 'ups and downs'
a chess piece once called blue
hope you'll be back around

i'm writing this memoir
in hope you can hear these lines
in hope you know,
i hope you are foreverly alright

June was yellow
Then there's you
Turning all mellows
Into golden hue

The flame in your hair
The way you stop and stare
How you always finds a way
I just know that you're gonna stay

Hours feels like seconds
You touched me, tho I'm distant
It's not love, it's something unfathomable
I always go astray, but never thought I'd ended up home

It's sparkling whenever you come around
The whole world turns magical,
I see dragons, I see witches and wizards
You yield weapons but we're not fighting

And I don't need mirror now
I just see the reflection of mine through the lens of your eyes
She's loving, she's nice, beautiful, all the best thing a girl could be
For once, I feel this is the realest version of me

silence could never calm
that of
which is maimed;
fairly to make heard of
the shattering
that would not mend.

you will come back
in every five seconds
in every five minutes
in every five round clock
in every five changing snowdrops
on the pavement
eon of epoch, your tardy shortcomings and
my in-sync horology

still i wait for you,
and sundial
of your promise

you will come back
in every winter
in every summer
in every spring
in every fall
weathervane foreverly prevail

still i wait for you,
with glimmering eyes
and avalanching hopes

you will come back
in every monday
in every wednesday
in every friday
in every sight of sadderdaze
a repertoire of mystical moments
per diem of price

still i will wait for you,
in every sunrise,
in every twilight

It's like a halo burned in an open field,
asking where's the revelation
when it lies on your desk

It's kind of yellow contradiction thing,
saying "I'm trying"
but you're not quite there yet

And it's "I don't know" purged off of your lips,
thinking maybe one day
it'll all get better instead.

too sad to write

Poetry
Profound poetry
What does that mean?

Is it the surplus amount
of big words conjoined together
for a trade of a 'masterpiece' honouree?
Is it the simplest of words
drawn into each other
to paint such a beautiful imagery?
Or is it those blank spaces
that speak volume
about a person's well being?

Poetry
Profound poetry
What does that even mean?

404 leads to your flaws
302 you perched from the dark
211 'cause you steal my heart
101 you got me all enthralled
500 when I see you from afar
220 honey, that's what you are
508 of you, I should be warned
381, well 143 is too typical
224 mad easy, 'cause you're so lovable

I've waited for you
for my whole life
Almost eighteen,
and I'm tryna love myself

I'll keep on hoping,
put my love on the line
'cause love don't come running,
they arrive just in time

I've longed for you
for all the times I could remember
Those future memories with you,
are what keeps me going further

And my faith
is getting less blind
'cause I believe soon you'll arrive,
maybe in a year or five

I've prayed to God
for your descendant
Through times of
storms and tribulations

When things gets hard,
I'll be just fine
'cause I know you'll arrive
and it'll all be alright

I'll wait for you
for far more times
I'll lurk out the windows,
just give me the sign

Five years
of caged butterflies
and one day
you'll come arrive.

If I can't have your poems,
I'll just read all the comments you left;
it's the only way for me to
unmiss you...
but truly my lovely poetess,
how do you do?

I dream of you
in colours you could never see
I talk about you
in language you could never speak
I think of you
in vision you could never imagine
but in changes
and in stagnant water,
I was wishing you'd be there too
in sparkles
and in dreary weather,
I was hoping you'd miss me too...

withering smile
fractured skin
dimming moobeam
hinting
tragedies

i grab a pen
and a napkin
cut my words deep
until i bleed
poetries