Spiced Autumn air
Swirling through my home
It peppers my memory
With sadness and hope

It brings me back to seven years ago,
I was a broken-hearted girl
Perplexed over the telephone,
I tried so hard but he had made the decision to close his heart

But here I am now,
Older and wiser
Still dreamt of his distance last night
But truly,
My waking mind is over it

It's just my life is a river
And I'm going deeper into it
Once on the surface
There was so much agitation
So I held my breathe and went under,
Trying to fix the cause of my turbulence

I've definitely healed,
And learned a lot
Both the easy way and the hard way
These little internal shifts
That I've been making gradually
For seven years
Have produced something beautiful in me
Breaking through the seams of my previous tortured being

This river is winding,
So I never know what awaits me
But I've married uncertainty
Knowing it's always pregnant with possibility

I haven't met any cultural milestones
I'm not cool, popular or trendy
All I have to offer this world
Is a broken heart on the mend
But still I'm full of gratitude
And calling in more
For though on the outside
I don't appear to have arrived
I have a root of joy inside my heart
And it's rapidly proliferating
As my gratitude grows.

Maybe not everything is meant to be understood by the mind
Because most times words fail to convey
What's truly there
Only our hearts can intuitively comprehend
The feelings we're too scared to feel.

Walk my short way home

Open the door

Eat what I can find for dinner

Go on Snapchat,
Instagram,
Facebook

Searching for signals of you

I love you
I think

In this digital age
We're all so far away

I want to touch you
But my hands
aren't able to break through the screen

I'm bored
I'm lonely

Are you bored,
Are you lonely?

I don't trust myself enough
I always find myself
In sticky relationships,
Even with friends

Messed up people,
I always get caught in their web

But I just want to be free
I want someone
who wants to escape in a car with me

Convertible car,
Painted yellow
with rainbows
Driving away from
this wintry landscape
Into the Californian sun

I need someone to smile with me,
Someone with whom I can be crazy
Laughing my time away,
Savoring all life's beauty

I'm growing heavy with longing
I'm ready to break through
this box I've been confined in.

Let it just be simple
The simple beauty of living
May I embrace
the simple pleasures
that beckon me

May I surrender
the heavy burdens
Of bitterness and trivialities
May I seek cautiously,
For my truest bliss
lies in the contentment
of the here and now--
my steady breathe
sustaining me

I always sought something more
walking through city streets
With a demolished heart
My mind was dark
and so was the world
There was very little love
I ever enjoyed

And though nothing has really changed
There is still
too much hatred in this world
And too much suffering
I've rediscovered the simple things,
I guess you could call it
Simply living

I no longer strive unnecessarily
I only open my heart
to a divine plan
that is embedded within me
For if you look closely
You'll see
the how everything is designed,
So meticulously

Like the branches of a tree
Growing outward
in fractal patterns
Or a rainbow
That follows a storm
Their is some sort of
Ethereal choreography to it all
And I just want to dance with it too
Dance with
this divine essence
tugging at me

Sometimes it's hard to believe
But even if I'm wrong,
I don't care
Because living this way
Keeps my heart open
to love
Both tenderly and fiercely
Love is life itself
Creation making love to creation

I've experienced
the darkness of a life
Outside of God's love
But what I didn't know
Was that I could never escape that
which is divine
It was merely an illusion
That lead me on a path to dying

Now,
I don't know what my future holds
I don't have it in the palm
of my hand like
I'd like to think
I'm not in control of it
Like a master manipulator
I've tried those ways
But they just don't work
Why push and strive
When instead I can have
peace and joyful life?

It's okay to surrender,
It's okay to let go
It's okay to not know
Just play and be free
Hey kid, take it easy
You've got a heart for a reason,
Don't trash it
I know it's been broken before
But there's no need to ration love
Love is in abundant supply
It can never run dry
And though some don't know
how to treat you right
Just set proper boundaries,
But never stop loving...
Trust me.

Marble milk
Cold and soft
like silky steel
Dripping off
from this current reality
Howling
to a non-existent moon
A distant heart
Light years from this home on earth
I've made

It's a utopia
My truest disdain
Where the notes of every voice
Slips stealthily into
the realm of the insane

So far away,
so very far

It's near
Who you are
Who I want you to be
Sitting next to me
Only three doors down
But three doors is an eternity
Each door a pocket into
another reality

Let me play with time and space
This life is not a race
But bestowed
on both grateful and ungrateful

You are my Marble Utopia
So stately and so tall
With you I am enthralled
As my mind slips through
the parameters of my skull
I will drink you all in,
Distant, cold man
Of you I will get my fill

You are so beautiful
You are so far from me.

Do you think of me
the way I think of you?

I tried to forget you,
I really did
But God keeps hitting me with
Two by fours

There is no escaping you,
So what do you say?
Do you want me to stay?

The sea is a gentle giant
its waves gently tumble over my luminescent skin
sand granules seep through my body's crevices
and sediment temporarily,
wet and caked

The sea feels like
the inside of my mind
Vast and endless
Curious, present
But wandering beyond
To the farthest distance
my eyes can see

But there is something deeper to the sea
subconscious like shadows
and boundless,
without a bottom
where ghouls and demons
throughout the years
have inhabited this foreign place,
deep down inside of me

Where the sun meets the surface
of the rolling waves
That's where the life exists
Yet you only know the sea
By what you see
Though that is not all
there is to it

The deeper you go,
the darker it gets
Life dwindles
only to the monstrous
Stripped down of any
aesthetic beauty
No one ever wants to confront this

For confronting this
Could cost you the illusion
of the life you thought you had.