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2.4k · Jan 2014
party
searching Jan 2014
do you wanna go to a party?
my friends pick me up in
a truck at
6 AM.
we ride to
the drug store
and rob the pharmacy,
before going off and
getting real lazy.
we smoke *** all day,
eat pills,
get jammed,
fall asleep by noon.
When we wake up it's
6 PM.
we need a drink
so we throw a brick
through the window
of the liquor store next door,
and leave it in flames as we laugh.
by midnight,
we're sleepy so we
eat some ecstasy,
I can't feel my face until
6 AM.
we fall asleep and we may weep
unless
tomorrow we do it again.
the good times are killin me
1.4k · Jan 2013
Sellout
searching Jan 2013
I'm an armchair warrior
trying to sell my soul
to the undesirable myriads
soaked in stains and oil.

Curl up with your coffee cups
(now children)
Curl up with your cigarettes
Take your vice and leave this place
No less weary less.

I'm a sellout to this
yes I'd sell out to a fish
If he'd give me a dime bag
and a paper.

I will sellout to you
I will sell my soul tonight
For a loudspeaker
And a deaf audience.

My life is a mess
I shouldn't cry less
I should really embrace the tears.
But with each coming year

I have come to fear
That I will drown in these tears.
And this beautiful mess
And all this crazyness

Is really beginning to drag.
I'm tired of pieces
Ignorant of puzzles
Give me a ******* cigarette.
1.3k · Jan 2014
stupid
searching Jan 2014
maybe you should find a hobby
before you keep pushing away every
******* good thing in your life.
*******
1.1k · Jan 2014
fortune cookies
searching Jan 2014
do you want me to tell your fortune to you?
i only ask a small price.
i'll tell you from start to finish,
yes, come on, let's go?
you awoke the day you were born
with a cry upon your face,
you awoke very startled
having just left another place.
you grew up bright and curious;
the stars winked at you,
the grass was soft beneath you,
and you never let the rain get you down.
but you know all that;
you want to know what has yet to pass?
you're only twenty years old,
are you sure you're ready to go?
oh yes, a small price
i forgot, had i mentioned?
the price is your soul my dear,
are you ready for your lesson?
"Stuff happens, it is your response that counts."
is it bad that i let fortune cookies run my life?
960 · Jan 2015
flutterby
searching Jan 2015
you need to slow it down some.
you've been feeling out of whack,
a ghost in your own shoes.
where is my mind?
in my body
or in the sky,
i wanna be here.
always here.
i need to practice
presence and patience.
my disjointed and unfocused ramblings will be the death of me.
i need to pay attention.
i need to meditate.
i am always here.
now i am.
it's not always butterflies.
sometimes you gotta make your own way to flutterby.
what my soul says today
946 · Mar 2015
blurry
searching Mar 2015
there are noises,
voices
out there that
(i dont)
think really are; deranged impressions,
truth defecting from common knowledge.
is this simply a lack of dreaming?
or is reality             on the cusp of our heels?
                     blur
                            ring
spun
searching Jan 2013
I'm trying to go hard
******* on my mind
Everybody ready
I'ma take you for a ride.

Blue fields and green skies
Blueberry organge *****
and LSD
gets you higher than you wanna be
I GIVE UP.
but not really.
I need something to do
Somewhere to stew
That isn't my mind
Cause man it feels like a zoo.
I need to write
I need to vibe
I need to keep this **** up before
I go crazy inside.
But if i got a plan
And if I got a purpose
Maybe today will be okay
And I can enjoy the moment.
I know it ain't easy
I know it ain't tough
It's somewhere in between
where you don't have to try for stuff.
Don't put your mind to it
Rather give your mind a rest
You been through way too much stress
Dont get caught up in this mess.
let it flow
let it be
the beatles had it right back in '63.
summer of love
Can be a whole lifetime.
771 · Jan 2013
I Miss You
searching Jan 2013
******.
I miss you.
I know it hasn't been long.
But a lifetime has passed
since the last day of summer
since the last time i saw you.
I only gave you a passing glance.
We said hello
chatted
shot the ****
you know
like we always do.
and then it passed
I tried to call you later
but hung up before you answered
you called me back
and did the same
why?
why couldn't we talk just one more time?
It feels like so long ago that i felt anything
worth feeling
other than the cravings
withdrawals
the undying wanting
to be somewhere else
to be there with you.
I know it's not the end of the world
you're not my soul mate;
only one of them.
but you've left me feeling so alone.
how can i be a man when the only
man
i ever knew is gone?
For Dan - more to come
715 · Jan 2013
Lucid Dream
searching Jan 2013
Left without ceilings
What would you do?
If you had no obligations
No one to rule you
Society, setbacks, one step forward
All a part of life
Another chip on your shoulder
Would you be stuck up in that chair
Workin’ the 9-5,
Six pack three times a night
Too drunk to drive
Wasting your life wondering
What could I have done?
Had I taken a different path
looked out for number one?

You stare blankly ahead at the wall,
Customers surround you
Watching you fall
A clerk is another way to say *****,
Wait on me waiter, don’t let the phone click.
I been around this game for a long time,
Atmosphere taught me some **** about this grind
You always thought there could be something else
But the boys upstairs never liked the way you talked.
You let it get into your head,
You ate the pain off a platinum platter
Dripping with the blood of the sane
Left without an idea of the purpose of it all
You search blindly as the customer’s watch you fall…

Another day another dollar, or at least fifty cents
At least the restaurant gives you one free meal
When you work a double
Left without a choice cause you gotta be on that grind,
Everyday hustlin’ is just another word for killing time.
We reach and we reach and we pull
A hell of a lot closer to the bottom than before,
Breathe in breathe out
That’s the best you can do
Or another eight ball
Hell that’ll do the trick too.
Man this life is just a lucid dream
I know you know it too,
But you’re trying to hold up yourself
With duct tape and glue,
It ain’t the answer but **** it’s a quick solution
To a question you won’t acknowledge unless you’re boozin’.
707 · Mar 2013
words on paper
searching Mar 2013
Sorry I'm such
a bitter *******,
deflated and broken
down like the last ******
bounce castle
in a carnie circus.

I lost my hope somewhere
on the far side of this place,
I haven't seen it in a moment
perhaps since I've seen Pandora's face,

all the ******* has piled up
and is weighing me down
like the cumulative effect of poppies
over my entire lifespan

done and not done,
chosen but not accepted
as the norm of my
society, as the bane
of my reality.

give me another shot,
he says.
give me another hit.
just one more to soothe the pain
this awful dreary day,
when the sun shines
but it doesn't light your way,
and you'd rather lay
in bed and appeal
to the idea of a present
worth living for somewhere,
off,
in the not-too-distant future.
674 · Jan 2013
Breath
searching Jan 2013
I'm wallowing again.
stuck in another rut
like a mudder who took
one too many chances.

!I couldnt possibly pull myself out of that!"
the mudder yells,
but  you gently remind him
that he's full of ****.

You take a step back.

Breathe.
One.
Two.
Three.

Hello, nice to see you again.
For a moment
I was lost.
searching Mar 2013
you said you'd wished we had more time
but i give you the time every day.
you don't have a moment
to sit
and glance,
and see the dance
passing between our eyes.
i wish that there could be something more
i wish that old flame would rekindle
but a spirit once lost
is a spirit hard gained
in the weary hands of the lender.
the asphalt is wet with
the rain
     (tear)
              drops falling from the blue empty sky.
my eyes are cloudy
from a haze of memories
too painful too remember keenly
but too keen to really forget.
let go of the past now, darling
it holds nothing but a place for regrets,
you'll become weary of that place
before you have time to
remember why it was you came.
662 · Jan 2013
not forgotten
searching Jan 2013
have you forgotten
what it's like
to breathe

fresh air?

have you forgotten
how to see
(the sunrise)
with your heart?

have you lost your way
on another cold,
dreary
day?

is the sun hiding from you
or do you hide from it?
the blue jay will sing
whether you listen or not.

will you leave another note
to yourself
reminding of the time
when you sang too?

it won't be forgotten.

first light leaves
a mark
that won't rub off
no matter how many buckets of bleach.
638 · Jan 2013
Expletive
searching Jan 2013
Are you kidding?
Do you really not see
The underlying meaning
Of what you're saying to me?

I tried to put it plainly,
You didn't blink twice.
I tried to use astonishment
You could have been a bowl of rice.

Expletive
Why won't you listen to me?
I will smoke you out of this **** house
Until you come talk to me.

Expletive
Why don't you see what's right?
Are you being selfish
Or are you too afraid to see the light?

It's raining
Outside and it's so dark to see
That this life is so short,
Please be the one to take some pity.
610 · Feb 2013
You left
searching Feb 2013
You left your mark
On my bedpost again,
Beautiful and
fresh with sin.

we danced under
a haze of ignorance
just hoping to hold again
holding up my hope with this.

You string me along
by the week,
I'm feeling little and meek
Without you by my side and then

You left me again
With a mark
on my bedpost
Filled up with sin.
609 · Jan 2013
Lucid Dream
searching Jan 2013
Left without ceilings
What would you do?
If you had no obligations
No one to rule you
Society, setbacks, one step forward
All a part of life
Another chip on your shoulder
Would you be stuck up in that chair
Workin’ the 9-5,
Six pack three times a night
Too drunk to drive
Wasting your life wondering
What could I have done?
Had I taken a different path
looked out for number one?

You stare blankly ahead at the wall,
Customers surround you
Watching you fall
A clerk is another way to say *****,
Wait on me waiter, don’t let the phone click.
I been around this game for a long time,
Atmosphere taught me some **** about this grind
You always thought there could be something else
But the boys upstairs never liked the way you talked.
You let it get into your head,
You ate the pain off a platinum platter
Dripping with the blood of the sane
Left without an idea of the purpose of it all
You search blindly as the customer’s watch you fall…

Another day another dollar, or at least fifty cents
At least the restaurant gives you one free meal
When you work a double
Left without a choice cause you gotta be on that grind,
Everyday hustlin’ is just another word for killing time.
We reach and we reach and we pull
A hell of a lot closer to the bottom than before,
Breathe in breathe out
That’s the best you can do
Or another eight ball
Hell that’ll do the trick too.
Man this life is just a lucid dream
I know you know it too,
But you’re trying to hold up yourself
With duct tape and glue,
It ain’t the answer but **** it’s a quick solution
To a question you won’t acknowledge unless you’re boozin’.
608 · Apr 2013
Untitled
searching Apr 2013
he's at it again
that familiar twinge in the back of his throat
the longing
hinting towards a better
future,
when's better than now?
back and forth
like the pendulum of the clock,
another hour closer to sleep
the higher my back is against the wall.
the tickle, the scratch
my neck is becoming a rash,
heart palpitations in utter delightment
forgetting to breathe from the open excitement.
Alright, it's over,
at least now you're no longer sober.
go home and go to bed,
wake up when you want to,
**** going to work
I'm tired of spending it on my dope habit.
558 · Jan 2013
Moderate
searching Jan 2013
Why did he shoot it?
I ask myself every day
Now that he's gone away
(again)
And I'm in control again.

He had the choice,
a shot or a dagger,
but when it came to it,
the dagger would have sufficed.

He didn't really seem to give a ****
Maybe that was the machine inside of him,
pushing his luck
fulfilling his wish to
****
fight
and win.

Oh boy, well he ******
and he fought and he won,
**** sure on that one.
You only gotta do it once to know
Now a dagger just won't be enough.

The question then becomes;
When does enough end?
554 · Mar 2013
Get up
searching Mar 2013
Get up
Off your lazy ***,
stop sitting
and moping around.
the world is only weary
if you make it so
dearest, so please
wont you get up with me?
492 · Mar 2013
Untitled
searching Mar 2013
i am an amalgamation of all of the things which i believe i am. i am made of illusions. my entire reality, everything i base my beliefs off are beliefs based upon my beliefs. i am nothing. i am merely an organic structure, but only as organic as i am real. made to look real but when you peel back the layers you see the farce beneath. the fabric weaves. it waves. its not entirely there all the time. its never entirely been here. and neither have i. neither have you. we are all just an imagining on a bright sunny nowhere. the question remains; why did we try at all?
451 · Jan 2014
self-sorry
searching Jan 2014
Once in a short while
why don't you apologize
and tell yourself sorry?
441 · Feb 2014
itch
searching Feb 2014
twilight gathers close around,
as the man in the corner twists and shouts
scratching his neck for the fix he can't find,
twisting and shouting, another day ends.
he wants to believe you,
he wants you to be right,
find another path
they tell him,
so you can fight another night.
as the itch it starts to burn,
and the burn becomes a rush
it's getting hard to fight today,
please, just please let this end tonight.
write another poem, maybe that will stop the itch.
425 · Mar 2015
somedays
searching Mar 2015
Sometimes I get this pain in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like my father,
what of it?
I don't know if we're on the same level
but I feel like ****.
my breath is heavy and
my health weak;
I've drank too much
and I just (won't) sleep.
386 · Mar 2013
for anyone
searching Mar 2013
i saw you
standing by those days
all energy and fervor,
you had a dream
to dream so big
you'd never see the bottom.
but when you did
i got so lost,
i let it get
into my head,
it felt so dreary
my life, so weary
holding everything,
but nothing at all.
you left me standing
on the side on
the brick sidewalk
with a gun in my hand.
i said to you,
don't leave again
you said to me,
i'm always here if you can only feel.
i put the gun
up to the sky,
shot it in the air,
and with one fell swoop of the night
my bullets and rage were no longer there.
no angels came crashing to the ground,
the world didn't end in fire,
if it ended at all it never began
and the memories of you were never there.
i step out of my robe of ice
to a world of pins and needles,
the pain it pushes deep my dear,
if only you don't forget it.
but when you whispered in
my ear from the other
side, that night i knew it oh so clearly,
there is no bottom in this life.
i knew you'd be there every moment
for better or for worse,
not out of want,
not out of love,
simply because we're always here.
my daily reminder
377 · Dec 2014
lost and found
searching Dec 2014
i was searching through
the buckets
of a lost and found
on the far side of town.
sweaty palms sifting
through ratty clothing,
a child's favorite book
stained and forgotten.
empty packs of cigarettes
on the ground
all around
me, from
people waiting for something
that they've lost and never found.
the sun peaks through
dingy windows,
grimy with the breath
of those that have lost.
is this what it's like to lose?
a box of memories
no one quite cares
enough to open up?
i will open you up.
nothing is lost forever.
one day you'll find
it,
in a box on the far side of town.
hmmmm. i like this one. sad but hopeful but meant to be hopeful
363 · Apr 2014
Rising
searching Apr 2014
hello,
have we met before?
did you forget your way?
the path meanders like a lazy river,
spitting water over the edge
but only as far as you can see.
its been a while since ive seen you here;
your face looks different now.
the bags under your eyes,
your skin not so fair as it once was.
but your eyes.
still alive and alight with pain and love,
piercing in the quiet ecstasy of another day not being wasted.
hello, why have you come here today?
are you looking to repent?
there is no sorry here.
there is only moving forward.
dont bemoan your sorrows to me, my friend;
i have sorrows enough.
show me your light.
show me your energy,
spilling over the edge of the river
and down the mountain to rest in the heart of the ocean.
hello;
aren't you happy you came?
there is no time wasted in the house of the rising sun
when you are the sun and your house is overflowing with light.
349 · Feb 2013
Begin Again
searching Feb 2013
I sit here
****** again,
alone
without a friend,
lost today
in a haze of snow,
bitter and biting at my face,
I dread the hour
That does await,
when sleep won't come
I will not partake,
I'll smoke until my lungs
are heavy,
until my conscious mind
is melted.
these dreary things
I will forget,
till the next morn comes;
let's begin again.
347 · Jan 2013
Thoughts of You
searching Jan 2013
days drift by,
endless days
where I sit
and think of you
in countless ways.
a maelstrom
of thoughts
blowing through
my hemispheres,
of what
is
and what
could be.
340 · Apr 2016
Memo
searching Apr 2016
This chaotic collision
of spiritual vision
and ethereal fission
will drive your indecision
to dive, now
stop, drop, and tune in:

intentional acts of compassion and clarity know no knowledge.
you set the bar higher than you can see
but if you want it then you've got it,
i don't have to grasp and strive
if i allow space and time to shape my vibe
and paradox me away,
til the deja vu stains
and my chakras spill colors
all over the groundcover
of my painted palace that resembles
a memo from God's desk
which hasn't been filled in yet.
323 · Jul 2015
Untitled
searching Jul 2015
A moon speckled in translucent blue
overhangs a tower of fire,
Casting shadows hither and thither.
"This, my son,"
bade the grisled sea captain,
But no one paid him mind.
They bustled about their drones with EFFICIENCE. One was up on the inspector table. Were gotta
searching Oct 2014
the good times, darling,
are they really killing me?
or am i stuck in reverse,
are my good times really weak?
paycheck to paycheck
i keep my buzz strong,
but if the bees at all the honey
then they'll surely starve.
I am nothing but a man
in a long dark hall,
afraid to turn up the lights
but I've already seen the road.
there is no dark and no light,
only the void and me.
i write this poem a little longer,
so that i remain free.
a tribute to modest mouse. wrote this in about three minutes but its been a  while i just need to put something up here.
312 · Jan 2014
Awakening
searching Jan 2014
I awoke today startled;
my hair had turned gray.
I had wasted my whole life away,
hoping for better days.
The air around me tastes bitter,
the coffee too black,
the cup is wavering in my hands,
ready to collapse.

I awoke today after a horrid dream;
I can't quite seem to recall.
But i know that I must wake up today
Before my inevitable fall.
first draft, just finally got internet back in my life consistently and felt like i needed to get back on this site. good morning; i hope you stay awake ;)
301 · Jan 2013
Savior Self
searching Jan 2013
A man on a t once told me
not to sin.
I told him thank you kindly;
But I've got another way to win.
A man on the ground once told me
to lose my self.
I listened to him;
But I didn't comprehend.
The man on the t came back to me
and spoke:
it's all about God.
I didn't believe him so I let his words
rot.
A man in the east spoke to me of love;
But I couldn't love like him.
This world has kept me weary, when
will the good times come?

a man spoke to me from within.

he said

you are
perfect.
don't listen to them.
every man for himself
and every action is
your own.

god lies within...

so savior yourself.
298 · Mar 2015
Untitled
searching Mar 2015
Sometimes I get this pain in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like my father,
what of it?
I don't know if we're on the same level,
but I feel like ****.
my breath is heavy and
my health weak;
I've drank too much
and I just (won't) sleep.
How's the self abusiveness?
262 · Nov 2014
where have you been?
searching Nov 2014
father of mine,
where have you been?
lost in thoughts of
who (wherewhenwhyhowwho?)
where
(who)  is
(are)        my
(you)             mind?
where you been?
247 · Dec 2015
Belly
searching Dec 2015
one Buddha belly laugh a day
keeps the cravings away
233 · Apr 2014
transcendence
searching Apr 2014
sometimes
life is just so sad it makes me want to cry.
not even for the sadness of my life;
the sadness in anyone's life.
your brother who died from cancer;
i weep for him.
your uncle that was in a car accident;
i feel your sorrow so deeply.
sometimes i wonder why it is we even continue living in the face of all this pain;
but i dont dwell on that too long.
because there is no point.
we do it simply because we were born to do it -
and until that day comes when we pass on to,
give love to those who are aching.
take the pain of another and make it your own.
feel the sorrow that is life, and revel in it.
life is suffering, said the buddha.
that doesn't mean you have to suffer with it.
217 · Feb 2017
growing pains
searching Feb 2017
the paradigm that society has
created is incomplete.
we are a piece of a puzzle far
larger than we can comprehend.
there is a way through the struggle;
there is a path to breach the walls
we have been trying to tear down.
to take a higher road to the angels we have sought.
it is within:
it is that step into the fire we
have been kindling since birth,
it is to scream yes to the spirits guiding us
oh so gently.
don't disregard your roots;
these pains you feel are just a sign of your youth.
been a minute

— The End —