you
     non-
colonizer

friend, companion, self-intellectualizing

non-
      colonizing
colonizer

who loves, cares, hurts
              [ me ]

lays an offering
of violence
                  at
                     my
                         feet

non-
     colonizing
colonizer

this is how you love
           [ me ]

It isnt fair

that you should end up sleeping with the boy who boldly but secretly, confusingly just needed access to your bed
that the vague notion of your missing friends is actually a blatant  chastisement about your social misdemeanor
That you should feel the urge to withdraw from any and all recreational opportunities because you can already tangibly feel the distressing friction between every differing fiber between both your brain and theirs
It isnt fair that you should be so clever, and resourceful but exposure of such elaborate operations will only occur outside all traditional institutions in the privacy of an empty audience
It isnt fair that you have unknowingly began a retreat from life and dinner with your family to find some solstice from a muddling indigent existence that requires you to obsess over trivial details just so you dont miss the rare gratifying hints of a walking compliment
It isnt fair that you'll say yes to anything you haven't learned from life experience to not want
and it isnt fair that one disadvantage should create others by consequence and default
It isnt fair that my adult facade should restrict my child appropriate responses and its public unrest
or for my simple unique characteristics to ooze the paint for which they'll use to commit my image to memory for the entire school.
I'll have to learn to put up with the eggshells that grind into the soft ***** of my feet when I blindly interact with other expressionless but feeling, thoughtless but intellectualizing people
and it isnt fair for my mortified laugh to be chastised

Paint the Earth
And the moon
Give it texture
A random monsoon

Make a baby
Take a breath
Sit back, let chance
Control the rest

Carve a basin
River beds
Give emotion
As a test

Beast of burden
Wild to tame
By intellectualizing brain

...Just hold it in your *****
with a wish of end delights...

...Or tear it all to pieces if it dies...

Turtleneck days.
Red and gold autumn in the quad.
Coffee house intellectualizing,
Song and poetry open mic with 3 cord guitar.
Passing a joint in the alley.
Greeting the dawn on the floor of an overcrowded 3 story walk up.
Where has it gone?
A soft contented sigh crosses my chest,
As she stubbed the last embers in the empty breakfast dish,
And sunk deeper into the bed.
Her head nestled on the pillow,
Her face framed in salt and pepper silken curls.
She stretched out her arms and *******, still round but softer peeked over the sheets.
I lowered to her lips,
A soft moist whisper at my ear,
Where have they gone indeed?

ich suenge gerne huebschen sanc
i would not sing no song
no praise no tales of others:
justify my own adventure
of life's teeming ways
    and unjustified clamor of feelings...

        from the onset i can testify:
i'm just as ****** up as anyone
who's anyone and anyone who's no one:

don't pity me
this little stupid me
this poor little stupid me

das arm wenig dumm mich

i'm no master manipulator
i don't exactly know what i want
perhaps that's because i want so little
this little me wants so little
to drown in shrinking
to shrink and falter and shrink
and falter

asking my mother what is love
when her love is
just a constrictive riddle and a stressor
to owning
my heart for my heart to no other woman
O

         round and round the sun rises
and sets
night comes with an entourage of nightmares
and stomach cramps
and with that the body dictates
what is right and what is wrong

i don't care for intellect and intellectualizing
ethics
not from the mind but from the heart
i know what's right...

bargaining on philosophy:
a Kantian quadratic
of a priori and a posteriori
analytical and synthetic -
i've heard one is impossible

but not for the sake of knowledge
but for the sake of judgement
i much prefer the taste of sound judgement
than knowledge
hyper-fantastical non-applicable
talk of astronomers and what is
the buoyancy of the universe
suspended on a rotating disk on a camel's ****

like threading through eyes
of needle some bollocking of string theory
and i thought i'd escape all that
wasted childhood on how people educate
people
churning out people incapable of
changing a light bulb or
throwing a perfectly good appliance out
simply because the fuse in the socket
burned out...

          last time i asked my mother about
love i was 21 and i paid
over 15 years in hell
and in this hell i met god as a great wind
whirling and dispersing a choir
of singing entities
and restless ever since
i cannot compensate this riddle like
protection or the Guard of Mammon
i can't claim a reality
but since reality began disintegrating
around me
no manner or amount of psychiatric
scrutiny would endow me with
my original: solipsistic narrative of dimmed
sight...

but when it comes to manipulation:
oh yes, stay in London: the Window to the World
or don't: stay in St. Petersburg
and watch Europe: the funnel of the world
instead
or not: either -
but don't move to Kauai and become caged
not to some 55 year old woman
with a child
and an aging mother: remember i'm your
mother and i'm aging too
now that i'm this reborn Ms *******
Florence Nightingale
and i have a puppet of a brother dependent
on me kissing me gently
all our former animosity fizzled out
or that i won't be able to forgive my
own mother on her deathbed

so love is this unreasonable force?
i've witnessed a second hell
less energizing than the former
like a plateau of stones
but no hill
unlike the punishment of Sisyphus
no upheaval no single stone
to drag up a hill
but instead this plateau of rubble
and i'm here: bound to the chains of
unimaginative torturing
of self - by self...
a love like gravity a love most damning
because of the vicinity of reality
while all around me: in no special way
new atheism dies
and i'm tickled by being a proselyte
toward: having found "conversion" impossible
toward the Hebrew ways
something Islamic is smiling at me
but then the Islamic peasants like
their Christian counterparts come swarming
with bad manners
and perhaps not drunk on the furor of football
but still ill mannered
and all the bliss and intellectual comforts
of glancing past the primordial ontological
focus on man
disappears:

master manipulator my ***!
all i said was - and i was adamant about it...
'but what's the point of me visiting you
on Kauai if i have to rent and
drop pennies into the pockets of your friend
why can't i just stay with you
and instead of having rent money
i buy a ******* canoe or maybe two
and you me and Reyla
have a fun time exploring all the rivers
on that island the size of London
why don't i just better use the money
and you really think that...
we're already sleeping together
you made that adamantly clear
when dis-inhibited moaning in the hot tub
i'm seriously have a hissing fit
i have never experienced froth on my phallus
because i tried cheating
but instead i paid £130 for massaging
a *******'s bruised *** and calves and
that bit above the calves:
she didn't even have the knowledge
to **** off a ***** that hasn't been circumcised
and i know my body as i know you
and your body knows me
and i just hear this nagging realism
of mother saying: oh but you can talk
to me,
remember in ten years time she'll be 65
and you'll be in your 40s
and then widower...
well marriage and the Green Card
while you watch all those hungry Mexicans
not giving a **** still storming the border
and in any nightmare
the plummeting contention for ordinary
people to breed
bus driver replacements
and who's to say what's going to be automated
and jeez:

         and and and this is not a pretty verse
it's not supposed to be
but finally your mother reached out
because you were probably crying
and now you became the little girl
to your little girl and it finally sank in
that i'll buy a ticket the next day
and come and cuddle and *******
but i'm not paying rent when i can just
sleep on your lanai like a dog
but serious how can your mother think
that she lived her life full of frolic and
now makes it impossible for me
to rearrange your life a little
by being able to drag your daughter out
of your bedroom where she slept
with you
oh god that felt so good
dragging that mattress from your friend's
abode to your daughter's room
and setting up the bed for her
like a Jesus but unlike a Jesus
the choking joke being: well:
if can't find a crucifix to tackle and take
to Golgotha at least find a mattress to take
it up to a girl's bedroom
and then pray, pray for some **** antics
because i was the: huh? sort of looks
****** but perfectly salient
in my approach baking that 13 candle birthday cake
and right now
i was actually storming around my head
(without a head to speak of)
doing ego-juggling-with-eggs
because i heard enough public intellectualism
in English to know that people
get muddied in muddles of the performance
art of seeming confident and clued in
and with the number of books i read
myself i'm choking with disbelief at the gad
of these people having read so little
yet able to talk so much!"

love arrives outside the realm of knowledge...
i'm seeking judgement
i much prefer to orientate myself
around judgement rather than knowledge:
regardless of knowing:
knowledge becomes trivial and automated
when contending away from intellect
and ethics: spoken of
but not felt...

the knowledge of riding a bicycle
and the knowledge of swimming
the knowledge of walking
much better than questing for... blah blah
analytical a priori: 2 + 2 = 5?
given that 2 + 2 = 4...
        2 + 2 = 5? only because there was no actual
origin of numbers in Hindu or Arab
benefactors given that: if you look closely:

   2 + 2 = 5?  
                             Z + Z = S

no? it's ******* clear as daylight this is impossibly
love since it hurts because
it's not somehow defunct, devoid:
leftover scrap of makeshift food stuff divination
no wine and bread cannibalism
such loser poetics as an interlude with
a Swiss master of Cheese alluded to
when his case was presented
about using one ticket twice
to catch a metaphorical bus to a metaphorical
end of journey that was the moon
but not the stadium:

    if only it was a music event and not a sport
event...

now Edie is emailing me and i waited
in agony
for an email
thankfully i severed and ghosted her
but didn't: not really:
i was high and lonely and probably drunk
so for the next few days
i was sober and realized that i had a splinter
in my head
or like a horse with a grain of sand
in its ear started pounding at the wall
in vain trying to get it out the itch
was impossible
but now i feel alive once more
since your tears can be ascribed to:
but i can use that money for better purposes
than rent!
i can but a canoe i can at least
watch gleefully at you watching t.v.
and Reyla telling you to wake up
but i still love you snoring
and who cares
if by the time you're 65 i'll be in my 40s
and whatever that entails
but at least that's still 10 years
i will make up for the 15 or so years
my 20s and half of my 30s erased
for the pursuit of: **** know's what
now i'm supposed to make cleaning the house
a priority over writing this
and: ha! concerning writing...
well: if i were to find the semblance of effort
and care for outcome of readership
then yeah: dumb down and write
50 Shades of Grey
this literacy **** brigade is not for my liking
i will have to write the most unsatisfying
scribble for a Clued in Society of Anti-Marxists
or something
because that's how that one man's intellect
enabled the spearhead monstrosity of
how Slavic peoples congregated and left
shoes not walked in on magic carpets
then took to walking on stilts in Germanic
post-Imperial idealism...
broadly speaking: Germanic invoking
the disparity of ethnicity among the French
the English and the Germans and Scandinavians

i never understood why Denmark was
considered Scandinavian
given the past month of terrible weather
why is England even remotely considered
western when it actually should be
considered
a Scandinavian outpost
akin to Iceland why think of this place
as somehow this ideal western junction
oh god knows but i'm pretty sure
if i blah blah for long enough there will
be some clarifying justification for all this...

but it's finally sinking in...
terrible loath of me finally manages to find
the tears and knows it's love
but from previous experiences
i'm rough
and diamond but that's nothing special
but it just might be
if i get your mother to realize that we
are sleeping more sleeping
than sleeping this is ugly
             i feel uplifted i judged correctly
without knowledge
and you can judge correctly without
knowledge, per se:
when you ride a bicycle and reach
the summit of spacial-coordination
on two endoskeletons:
of one's own bones
and a bicycle frame

compared to the exoskeleton of a car
and it's just that use of mirror
and fail-safe mechanics...

clearly i don't intend to be smart
but rather: dumb dumb dumb
and i don't meet that with an air of superiority
i'm writing out of sheer desperation
and that doesn't bother me
in the slightest
once the early morning cramps
wriggled in i knew i was giving birth
to a daughter a lover a mother...

             the airy-fairy logistic of love
on paper
written O so sparingly
i would gladly bargain with a life in London
against a life in Kauai
and it wouldn't be a cage it would be a relief
because after finding her
it's not so much that i can find
another but becoming so attached
to the mint and pristine of licking
an envelope and sending whatever might
be enclosed to her

but i did delete all the explicit photographs
she sent me
i thought that was cheap of me
asking for such stuff
now, instead, i have a clean conscience
to start again
if i can be given another chance
to start and dream big
but only:

listen! i would gladly fly out to Kauai ****-naked:
in principle i will not be paying a
faking it we're ******* happy
i thought this was America
not some lost Polynesia outpost of tribal
morality
but if we're going down that route
who's to say that there need be a priest
and a church junction to finalize matters
when the "terrible" has already happened?

the idea of tattooing my entire back
in the tube map of London
came to mind
only moments ago after dreaming up
a host of bodies
semi-naked with other sort of signatures
no inflicted upon
the left-hemisphere of the brain

as such, also pondering the idea of shifting
the view of the world
away from

                           N

            W                     E


                          s

and as such to not combat the asymmetry
but rather embrace it
two islands of water in my cranium
pushing away at
and exploding grey matter into vacuums

not unlike the carnivorous protein of
Alzheimer
                 Alz Heinz
or at least this is me rummaging in Martin's
head
looking for clues of me
and him in me
or rather nephew now reduced or inflcited
the raise of being simply "friend": kolega -

kolega Alz Heiz
                            kolega Alz Heinz

now i see the world like i see London
to the south of me the great whirl
of Thames - old water old father Thames
with son Charon
                      not admitting me to the Oval
to watch the cricket

punctuated with nervous breaths after a micro-dosage
of the forest
in newspaper talk of a celibate tree
found circa 130 years ago
cloned many times
but not having a mating partner
must **** for a tree... currently standing priestly
in Kew gardens i believe...

the spitfire pilot who dreamed of flying
aged 17
crashes after a stunt gone bad
the Reddit guy with the red lamp
who thought he was actually married to his highschool
sweetheart
who had two kids
and never missed a day of work
living the white picket fence dream O America
instead playing football
hit in the head so bad that the multiverse
manifested itself in his head

some cruel prank best not mention God
and if i do by god
from the age of 21 a bad bad
bad trip that lasted well over ten years
now everyone in the house
is writing

i am writing
my father is writing an invoice
for Knights Asphalt for the work currently
undergone at Victoria
mother is writing a pPełnomocnictwo

                  to ensure care is taken of Martin
that his hard earned money
will be spent on his own care
a cruel joke of early retirement plans
spent 2 years drinking and sitting with
grandmother listening to teenage music
i mean if the brain isn't fried
from inactivity
not even a personal diary or reading a book
where will the mind wander
and how will it recline when looking
at van Gogh's painting of the chair
not a chair but THE cHAIR

                 words so close yet far away
symmetric damage to both
hemispheres as if metaphor
for the growing of horns
and in this happy-state obscene
but certainly drank too much last night
and now have the shakes
oh jeez now the slight paranoia of the receeding
high like i thought it was a good idea
or are my eyes just simply glazed
and am i relaxed is writing appropriate
during the daytime if it's not required
formal

i.e. W. H. Auden wrote that only the Hitlers
of the world write at night
but i wonder whether this is not a tease
now my eyes are not red
but like wax and my mother's interruption
to avert my eyes from the screen

'control control to charlie 10'
'charlie 10 radio check'
'yes yes control, charlie 10 radio check'
'loud and clear charlie 10 over'

the idea being did my mother realise
or not the tear of writing the document
rather than: is her son hurting anyone
by smoking the Amsterdam way
the casual not London way of smoking
i.e. **** is smoked in London
in public and at large events with massive
crowds
me and a colleague of mine
agreed that **** is abused like this
and best enjoyed in private
behind closed doors
with music
some whiskey
and enough music to drive a camel bonkers

i mean: she did walk in and asked me
whether the spoke in my wheel was fixed
i went to the bicycle shop last saturday
indefinitely
one ******* spoke
apparently to be finished by thursday
today is monday
and?
a bicycle shop without spokes
plenty of wheels on display
a bicycle repair shop
is more a shop than a workshop
and that's the biggest problem
no supplies of spokes?
what are these, German car parts?
if you can have a supply of rubbers
then surely there aren't that many
wheel sizes which might make you oversupply
on spokes...

but she walks in with £100 and tells me:
you can have it
if you only go to the bicycle shop
now and buy yourself a new bicycle
how much money did dad
give you for your birthday?
£200...
   well then... off you go...

          (but i really did start writing this poem
trying to heal
and i'm going to finish it
mind you i still have 2 hours before the shop
closes)

obviously i spent £100 on two packets
of Sherbet and that's all the way from America
and i kind of like the idea
of **** coming in packets that resemble
sweets perhaps
this isn't drug abuse on grounds of legality
since bought
     but in terms of how it is used
and what benefits reaped then i imagine, yes:

when i first starting writing and had
the straitjacket of poetry on me
my heart was a mush of nonsense my brain
was a much of nonsense
only now can i see the need for prosaic more
than ever
and no indeed people stopped writing
in the straitjacket of poetry within the confines
of what came to pass in the 19th century
and dissolved by the 20th
and needs a reinvention in the 21st

now a call from Lyndon my company rep
and no i'm in no mood for
conversation that's why i believe my eyes
to be wax and *****
and glazed and not even a glass of whiskey
will make them look sober
this feeling of creativity must pass
as the left hemisphere switches off or rather
concentrates on something immediately
that i know poetry is not written like
one works to grease up and find oneself
a juicy duck
or rather hunt for a juicy duck
with no green overalls
not rifle and no hunting dog
like the ones used at stadiums as sniffers
and the sniffers are gentle dogs
because when the police come with their
German Shepherds then
boy do those dogs talk
less bark more talk
less bark more talk

                and my how restless those dogs
are even the sniffers
are restless dogs
after all these are: dogs at work...

hundebeiarbeiten...

            hundebeiarbeiten...

  ­     we have the Germans coming in next week
and i already have my all clear from
the UEFA that i can work the event
so here comes all the pomp and gravitas of
the Champions' League final
            Real Madrid and Borussia Dortmund

hmm... etymology of names:

       there-mouth and now i'm thinking it's
a good thing that i didn't go since
this is my day off
but i mean i didn't go to the bicycle shop
because however my mother thinks
it the fact that i started writing again
and i haven't been writing for what seems to be
donkeys' year
since meeting Edie
and in the current variation of me
i'm intellectualizing whatever it might be
in the rubric of relationships
and ***
                            and friendship
and i don't know what else but when i'm also
working on my day off rather
than relaxing with the family might tell you
a lot about me maybe i should have done
something like this tomorrow when
they weren't home
because i feel like i'm going to have to explain
myself

this is like a narrative of a child
or at least i am robbing myself of the biblical
saying in how
it is said of men:

         genesis 2:24

  a man shall leave his father and his mother
and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh

how is that not the case
are we in a shared abode could it be said
that i'm anything more than client at this point
someone who will subsequently cook
dinner
and is this not my own free time to enjoy
my own freedom at least my legs
returned to normal after lying in bed
for a little bit longer

and honestly that experience with the Yorkshire
lads yesterday was mind-boggling
and mind-opening and ego-closing
and ego-crashing ego-destruction
how you can just absorb the energy of the crowd
and work it to your favour
and jeez i was never the roaming cleaner
of my place of work
whereby there was no issue with litter
and how often does cordon 7 call in for cleaners
and ******* bags
and i worked that cordon before
and i took my own initiative and sorted out
the bags myself before
but others who worked that area
would waste control room's time by radioing
in this minor issue that could be resolved
with some personal initiative
jeez
       i never thought i could write about work
that was the antithesis of Bukowski's approach
to work that work is the drudgery
because honestly i think how the Nazis didn't
think because honestly
Jews were a fertile breed of workers
so making fun of that
  they were making fun of that
because there is no luxury time for the scholars
and i mean the jews are the scholastic
people of the world and some less serious
of them sure
they are not the eclectic sort i imagine in my
dreams of worms and books
and bookworms unlike those sandworms
of Dune and more the reality of the Metal Worms
of London
and me travelling in them like some Jonah
mind you
i always held the oceans with distrust
but even then diving i did see plenty of life...

Anahola Beach.
Cannons Beach.
Hanalei Bay / Pier - Black *** Beach.
Kahili Beach - Rock Quarry.
Kalihiwai Beach.
Lumahai Beach.
Makua Beach - Tunnels.
Secret Beach - Kauapea Beach.

    (yes, that was ctrl+c/p
   (some variation on style
(returned to listening to music
after interruption
(paranoia receded
(started raining
(if i was a child receiving money
i would have jumped
at the opportunity
to go get bicycle
but i went today
and the used road bike that
looked **** nice
was already gone
so buying a new bicycle
seems grotesque at this moment
(anything new for that matter
buying something new
rather than used)
seems like a horrible waste of money)
the idea that used goods)
were aplenty once)
and people fought for them)
and now no one is fighting over money)
each earning it

but at a time there was a time where
people had exclusive rights to money
and others had no access to money
but instead: WIKT I OPIERUNEK
(bed and board)
and would be the workers of the household
of a people who were workers
of the world
and these people did exist
and they had a history and architecture
and since architecture is the best
idea of what history is
and a people become
then yes the revival of the Coliseum
i have witness
and i am but a voice in the wilderness by now
maybe i should have been
getting married to my childhood sweetheart
but what is thinking
i don't know: she's with five children
and an older hubby
while i'm the rigid disciplinarian of grammar
because i didn't love her fully
because of her literacy skills or was that our
shared youth
or anything - just not a waste of this afternoon
given it's raining
and yes if i were a kid and received £200
and say i had my own savings in a jar
of pennies and pounds
i would have jumped at the opportunity to buy
that bicycle and cycle happy-mad in the rain
but i'm not a child anymore and
i can't imagine going back
to somewhere where the brain was
orientating itself having spent so much time
in the dark outside of the dark
of the womb
but not like some fetal narrative is even
possible or even supplanting an ego
into a fetus is
   like putting a scorpion into a shoe
and a sock on one's nose: the general gist of:
(i think jyst should be as relevant as gist
and it even looks better on paper
let alone the similarity of phonemes)

  i.3. jy-          gi-                       -st

not station of saint
although both are used as is also st for street

oh **** oh **** oh **** oh **** oh **** oh ****
KAMIKAZE YO
KAMIKAZE YO
カミカゼ ヨ!

                         カミカゼ ヨ!

      I⁴                     and E⁴

since  in the following "magic square"

                             ya yu yo

     ヤユヨ

                  there is no Yadam and Yevie
the other story not told of the genesis of letters
and by Jove the resting place of so many
meanings deposited into Latin script...
unimaginable wonders
and overhearing my Nigeria neighbour
talking
jeez the music is on in my headphones
but this boombox of bellowing
conversations over the phone is unerving
and that time i smoked with him
in the night on the roof outside out
bedroom windows
i thought of Martin
   and his youth living in those communist
flats
    with greenery everywhere
nothing dystopian about it because of the foliage
and popped up ugly hen houses
never mind his youth of spent time
talking with his neighbor out of the window
in the warm summer evenings
sharing stories and smoking cigarettes
the one that lived above him
yes, him, forgot his name and sur
but him i saw him and a few others when
i visited last
and to think they are his peers
and they seemingly congregated to a Wake
but it wasn't a Wake but an Awakening
to see cruel or just fate
have her whims
however to put it fate a cruelty will the justice
or what is a gamble or something
or
           or

too many avenues it would seem...
gently massaging of the face
everyone at work is happy that my beard is visible
again
everyone at work is happy that my beard
is visible again
and i'm happy at work because finally my voice
is visible and can be used
without a loudspeaker
and i'm no longer embarrassed that i sometimes
get tongue tied
because maybe it's because i'm a Londoner
no joking
maybe my bilingualism is a phonetic retardation
from time to time
                   (then the music comes off
and there's the hum of conversation
and no t.v. in the background perhaps this too
the unread messages: i count at least 29)

but oh **** oh **** oh ****
what was actually going to see Kamikaze Yo!
(maybe
oh redemption mother calls and reminds
me to go back and buy the bicycle
and now sobered i will for sure

get some wind in my beard
and in my hair
glide with traffic
but
but but but

oh **** o help me "god":

confirmed work
wembley
7th june
13:30 - 23:15
sign in 12:30

confirmed work
wembley
8th june
07:30 - 20:30
sign in 6:30

confirmed work
9th june
london stadium
06:30 - 18:00
sign in 5:30 (or as close
to it as you can)

                   what did i book myself in for?
a 3 day sleeplessness extravaganza?!
   ha ha: Bukowski and work...
            Mathias Eschlert and: arbeit macht frei; haaaaaa.

p.s.  more like

                                   E


                    n                                        ­            S


                         W

my new compass...  i have to see the world
differently
not like presented on weather chanels
because no the north is not up
or the south down
after all what is n.e.w.s. in space
what is the Copernican n.e.w.s.?
                  
                   best to see the world sideways,
for now, at least.

p.p.s. or perhaps this is mother telling
me to show-off my money
if security staff get teased
and abused at events being called
minimum-wagers
minimum-wagies           etc
if we can get pushed and shoved etc

                        well... sooner rather than later
they'll nickname me: the Negotiator
3 ******* years in this job
and still no physical confrontation ....

              O Leeds O Leeds O Sweet Lords
and Lloyd.