I Am Lost
I am handsome
I am caring
I do good in school
I have friends
I am happy  

I like a boy
He’s sweet
And pretty
He smells heavy of cologne
But I like it
He's in my fourth period history class
He’s very funny in class
I talk to him Sometimes
But I don't think he knows I like him

“Basketball is a very important sport”
“Basketball is essential in my life; if I do not play I will become sick and die”
“No I don't understand question 7”
“Yes Brandon, I believe the basketball should be part of our national flag”
He's a macho kind of guy
So I can't flirt with him all that much
Six months ago I ran into him the hall
He looked so good with his hair pushed back and his new jacket
I couldn't help but smile

The next day I told him how I felt
I didn't know he’d tell all his friends
I didn't know how fast news could travel
I didn't know they'd make fun of me
I didn't know they'd say awful things about me
I didn't know people would treat me different
I didn't know how I felt was a sin
I didn't know how my parents found out
I didn't know why my dad stopped talking to me
I didn't know who to talk to
I didn't know how badly I needed it to stop
Until one day ; it did
I am bound to societal norms
I am drowning in discrimination and unequal rights
I am forced to live my life the way others see best
I am numb to the pain that tags along with each name that is thrown my way
“Gay“ “Freak“
“Loser”
I lost my friends
I lost my appetite
I lost my will power
My grades dropped
And so did my mood
I became an outcast
A loner
I was sad every day
I cried every hour  
But from now on that won't be a problem
I won't be problem
I'm going to stop this the only way I know how
I never knew what it was like to be in love
I never married
I never had kids
I never graduated
I never had a judgement free zone
I never had positive thoughts
I never found help  
Last wednesday when my eyes shut for good
I only hope
I opened someone else’s

I sit disgustingly high on my throne
Looking down at those who don't share the same pigment
A sliver plate was placed in front of me at birth
On it had everything i’d ever need
Financial stability, a house, clothes
Food, parents, education, safety
My heart pumps nothing but racism through my veins
An artery of cruelty and death

I strongly believe that ‘diversity’ equals white genocide
More of them means
Less attention on me  
Confederate flags litter my house
My car, my clothes
A simple reminder of the good ol’ days
Kicking them, Kidnapping them, Killing them  
My life is now
Being waited on hand and foot
My every move watched
My every need taken care of
My husband
As rich and powerful as he is
Through his fragile and egotistical nature
Shows no mercy to me and my kids
I will never struggle to provide for my family
I started my life on the top of the ladder
For my skin is my privilege

Someone is lying….

If i showed you a mere glimpse of my life
And the world’s nearly unbearable
Weight on me
Would you believe it?
I carry a list of illnesses from A to Z
A suicidal uncle who no longer shares
the same air as me
Colour, race, and religion
Hold no limitations to my pain
The day in ,the day out
Cold, Suffering
I will not be constricted to
the rules set on whites
By whites
I am defined by my actions
I stand before you as I am
I am well read and independant
Fiery and calm
I walk my path with integrity pulling my head high
And shoulders back strong

I am made from my experiences
I am not constrained to my personal history  
I was taught this social cancer
But surely, this can always be forgotten  
For my skin is my privilege
And my privilege is being me

“You were probably flirting with him”
Of course I was!
He was attractive
And I was lonely
He made himself unreachable at first
But I liked the chase
I brought this upon myself
This was all arranged you see
Planned out in my head
I had everything written down
From  how I would stand
To what I’d leave physically unspoken
Only communicating with my eyes
If the eyes are truly the windows to the soul
Then by god, there was much more than a breeze coming through
A storm
A storm with harsh rain and ripping thunder
“Well what were you wearing?”
Of course I dressed innapropiate
I picked out the most revealing clothes I had
The thin material stretched across my body in the most provocative way
I was practically begging for this to happen
But after it was done, I grew too attached
I wanted more
So I played the victim card

Someone is lying….
  
Was i asking for it?
His fingerprints burned themselves into my skin
They lingered
Like the  aftertaste of throwing up
I long for the days where this was
Merely a possibility
Untouched
The weight of this untold secret
Presses on my shoulders
Like 50 million bricks
Cascading down my back
And ripping at my skin
Wounds cut open
Bleeding soul
Scraped up spirit
Damaged heart  
Never could I imagine someone actually asking for this
The pain
The humiliation
The fear
The feeling of unwanted hands roaming your body
I lay there completely still
In the tears I shed
I drown
Allowing the flow of the river
To carry my body away
To take me away from this reality would be blessing
To erase my memory would be heaven  
Was I really asking it?
Of course not!
How could a seven year old ask for such a thing?