good bad girl. fight like a boy. tsunami driftwood. raincloud no silver lining, where lightning strikestwice. bare feet hot cement. kidnapped girl in the polaroid. let me check my schedule. curiosity...cat. eggshells. prescription candy. thru the looking glass. holden red hunting cap. tyler/jack. why ophelia never learned to swim. hold my scissorhands. Drucilla. natural disaster. scartissue love tattoo addiction pain dissociation association. carrie bradshaw's evil twin. holly-go-lightly meets courtney love. wednesday adams grows up. marla singer's song. bad dreamer. caufield's *******, cobain sympatico. makes sid viscious look tame, e. edward grey esq.& miss. holloway synthesis. the white rabbit. igby. anti-heroine, captain jack's sparrow. temptation/seduction/truth cliffhanger. ticking sleep bomb, roman candle(lit). spilled milk guilt. poppy field dreamer. cafeconleche. waternymph/siren/pixie, hideandseeker. riotgrrlchild. fallen angel-demons beware. blindfoldedandbound,if swallowed contact doctor immediately. good veins. contagious, mixedbreed badmanners. moodswinger. shadowboxer. wrong side of the tracks. superlowrisepunkass. theonemamawarnedyouabout, chaoscalamity&charisma;, irresiatible&incorrigible;, neverlearnedmy lesson. kneehighs and runners thighs. handlewithcare. klepto-crinalin and hypno-medicine, tomboy/schoolgirl. skeptickeyebrow. *****-flirty. cherrybombpocketpacker, hardcandy. sociopathsister. victim of my own past. hunter/hunted. bootstrap-trapped. is that my blood? just a minute while i reinvent myself.

i’d like to meet:  
everyone i have forgotten and everyone who has forgotten me

The effects of poverty on children
&
The development of maladaptive behaviors
a.k.a survival instinct to
in victims of childhood abuse
&
In children of mothers with mental illness

See:  Schizophrenia births ******-                               affective bipolar set-up borderline personality

&
Of Broken promises and
Of divorce
on toddlers
Subject to
Hypochondriacal
Dissociative identity disorder maniacal
Munchuasen syndrome
&
Development of anorexia in girls whose mothers
tell them they are fat
And not to eat
At the age of 3
And do not keep
food in the house
&
Of memory loss on survivors of ******
**** perpetual at brother's behest
Sibling rival/sociopath/hater
Initiate secrets to swallow later
Same same high school juvenile
English teacher hebophile
Lies beget lies with no adult supervision
Predators penetrate without permission
Especially favored males
above suspicion

Back to back with

Court ordered
reverse abduction
Too much too late
Overt overprotection
premature prepubescent
irreversible independence
****** up DNA lifetime sentence
Survivor guilt/too young to choose
Either way at 12 years old you lose
Tough love authoritarianism
Vs.
Prodromal adolescent survivalism
Now no court dare insist
which insanity trumps which
Coupled with
Biological mother "crazy" trash-talk
Teenage runaway as soon as she can walk
&
Development of trust issues
Normalized by chronic
neglect and abuse
Hyper vigilant of subtext
Double super mega
Abandonment complex
Stockholm syndrome and PTSD
Dissociation in abductees
(Comfortable with recreating tragedies)
Within exploded families
Where the truth is an accumulation
Of what is not acknowledged

diagnostic checklists
Symptoms life synopsis
Doctors office doctors office
Taper off, titraite this
between pages tranquillized
Quoth the holy DSM V
Artificial life artificial life

As dirt swept under the rug
So much dirt makes a pile
So big a pile makes a child
A child makes too much noise
Ignore her
Tell her to shut up
Make her shut up
She is a liar
Put her in the closet
Do not feed the girl child
She needs too much
She is too much
Takes up too much room
Even in the womb
It's ok if she goes away
If someone takes her one day
If she dies
If her brother wants to **** her
And tries
Pretend she is dead

Mother didn't do anything
Wrong after all
No proof
No evidence
Just a child never born
To steal the glow of
Psychosis from the flaming eyes
Of a mother crossed
Who also never saw adulthood coming

Through the delusions, the chaos
Inherent crime without cost
You can't blame us
Born and raised already lost

Generations of children
Who make bad adults
Potential unfulfilled
And it's nobody's fault.

uncovering me
discovery
territory yours
noticing you
knowing me
more completely more
to my knees
on the floor
shamelessly implore
too heavy this to mention
too unabashed i adore
so truth is silent written
forbidding you to read
until the i lay hidden in
the needing of this need

only if you promise
to play with me, then,
only if you swear
you will stay with me, is when
i will let you  in

such fun, such sharing
you will treat me like
a brand new toy
until you become bored
like every other boy

the novelty wears off fast,
pretty and new is not good enuff
playfulness turns to violence
to fodder your adrenaline rush

your promises take on new meaning
confusion between what is scandal
and what it is  i think i can, am supposed to, handle
is it demeaning or am i bad-dreaming,
i can handle it, i can handle it
i cant handle it anymore
and then i
wake up alone broken on the floor

didnt you ever learn to be
polite at the very least
and pick up after yourself before you leave
its not like theres much left
of the mess you made of me,
accept for heartbreak bleeding thru my sleeve

buried breath winter air
frozen heart averted stare
growing things take sudden sleep
parts of me you take to keep
my pieces counted in your palm
all seed badly gone

**** the life of stable calm
no doubt too good to be wrong
i want untame, nature’s worst
make me feel until it hurts

act like you dont see
you are walking right in front of me
carefully scripted in the dark
pretending you dont know
where you are

this place forgets everyone
before theyve gone
same same
done done

you are just as
especially worth
forgetting, side stepping
everyone brings in the dirt
  smile smile
  dance upon the hurt
  laugh laugh
  bring in the dirt

my mouth is dangerous
smoldering secrets, slinging lies
rehearsing verses to reverse this
perverse truth i have tongue tied
each smile a disguise
a fatal face veiled behind
make believe is real life
charm, disarm, beguile
you donʼt want to know the truth
so donʼt ask for the details
hold my hand and let me lead you down
my dead end bread-crumb trail
until we both are lost
in my sugar-coated fantasy
nothing here is as it seems
iʼve tricked you into loving me
for reasons that donʼt exist
loyalty, purity, innocence
I can not really admit to this -
only to the opposites
no one wants a fake
and no one loves a liar
ours will be the end
to which all endings will aspire

wake up the same way
need nothing, no reminding
every dawn brings yesterday
memory rewinding

this morning you owe me
debt outstanding overdue
what you did is not free
neither is what you didnt do

big boys arent so clever
little girls grow up
forgetting to remember
especially love can be corrupt

no more once upon a time
no more happily ever after
no more believe the pretty lie
the rescue is disaster

heros turn liars
sleep betrayed by sun
bed made to set fires
burn in it til im done
  til another yesterday comes
  burn today all gone
  til another yesterday comes

i am sick to death
undying want of you
tempting plague
you **** me dead
    unspoken words
    die with me too

dubious angel come then to me
all spine, bones and crooked teeth
my desire without check
take your back your throat your neck
push teeth-mouth against mine, barely just
pull hair, carotid, adams apple ******
dilated eyes, breathing tight
locked knees, hips, thighs
cold brick conspires to hold us up
scrape my skin, push my luck
press together blood rush loud
anonymous sin crushed in a crowd
public display of affection
this is how i beg for your attention

(did i say i wuddnt do this again?
make another list like this?
oh, but here i am
your own personal stalker, semi-******
your own personal escapist and
dont you feel loved, or is it obsessed after,
dont you love to be the focus of my own private disaster?)

how does it feel to be a secret
to be really undefined?
not a friend, not an enemy
not a lover, not an every,
existing as the other, as an any of many
something only vague, definitely a blur
at least you're irresistible,underline bold italics, absolutely for sure

no, you dont want any part of me
my begging, my pulling, my poetry,
there is nothing promising in these words, these actions
just the unrelenting agony
of dissatisfaction

so this is the end of the runaway
unable to breathe at the normal rate
in the company of what i anticipate
you bring, so instead i suffocate
close my eyes
this is how i pretend to die
the only way i can have you, this,
resurrected as my former self, Miss-
getting-away-with-it
and you are the Hereafter
welcoming the chaos
of my cadaver

    my plot is thin, my pulse weak
    and though my limbs cold
    they are yours to keep

because
you cannot see it
you mistake the air
for nothing at all
it cheats your senses
imperceptible
second skin
so complete
surrounding you
filling you
sealing you in
the always and never
without
within
even in absence
of its evidence
every animal
knows which way
the wind is blowing
except you

paranoia and delusion
collude with logic
to keep you safe
sheep in wolf's clothing
hiding among wolves
words and behaviors
with no teeth
without breath
without thought
their meaning
killed over and over
by deathly repetition
rote belief
and active denial

safety is a charade
prettiest pose on display
polished trap-showcase
practiced happyish face
unnaturally fixed in place
something unsettling
seen and unseen
settled between your eyes
and the kind-of-not-quite smile
straining your jaw
saying silently something
is still wrong

it is Impossible to
explain your condition
why you sometimes feel
so many desperate hands
reaching out
through your laughing mouth
a reverse choke
on your own silence
you smile at this
in self defense
you are an animal after all
yes, I can see you

your eyes stutter to
convince the rest of your face
that: no, no this is a mistake, and
that: this is a dangerous situation
but your mouth does not agree
and continues to smile at me

revealing teeth
tame with restraint
round and ineffectual
making your mouth
a useless tool
false invitation
primal fear
easy intimidation
when predators near
you should be more careful
who you smile at dear

routines are an ordered madness
masking your chaotic sadness
build of habits and
unconsciousness and
your nostalgia for regret
and missed opportunities
you can not forget

fall prey to
your insecurities
your self doubt
to everything nothing
all at once
this is how you
cancel yourself out

you are a lousy animal
killing yourself this way
you would die in the wild
you belong in a cage

she would cut me
a line in a poem
cut me smilingly
a slow walk home

careful scars
bring me here
each inflicted
each revered

she passed me the knife
commencement  torch
the source of all liberty and lies
the source of all source

but the freedom was false
tho the blood was true
this was not escape at all
this wound i was born into

bleeding all the time
arms and wrists a mess
wear that lineage girl of mine
wear it like a dress

she sed as she walked away
disappearing as i came into view
forgetting her daughter wud stay
behind and learn to forget her too

Dear doctor, your goodbye

I am prescribed
to watch you
Perfidious dying star
Whose brilliant life
Dilated my eyes
A drug of promise
A Light on black water
I've been treading
And will tread
And will tread

Already nova
You disintegrate
Protracted
Yet instantaneously
Even as you sit so still
Composed while decomposing
Impossibly looking and
Not looking at me
Your disappearance is blinding
And massive
A denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
Your nothingness
Crashes over me in waves
As I roll without direction beneath
Where the bottom used to be

Watch how easy it is
For you to take me apart
With your words
See my soft pieces writhe
mute on the floor
Disassembled
By a sentence
Betrayed by your mouth
Only my thoughts remain
Swimming aimlessly
Toward what is gone
Wanting to be known
Knowing they are hopeless
As cries underwater

tears on skin
Will evaporate
instantly
you will forget
their tiny sacrifices
Hundreds of brief lives
lived only
in your name
Hundreds of deaths for you
Miniature castaways
Of me
crying a siren's song
Sinking me further
Because it is my nature to
Give pieces of myself away
Trying to become complete
Until suddenly
I am gone entirely
Wanting to take you with me
Between the two of us
Someone is accidentally
A natural born killer

In the wake of
silent violence this
professional abandoning
is the collapse of gravity
of what I know
you know you mean to me
and then
you promise to never
ever
be my friend and
you will make sure
I will never ever
see you again
Subzero affect
forever treacherous end
this is the part when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
Spectacularly
as you watch  --  help-less-ly
Intentionally not saving me
Because what you do for a living
is killing me

I will tire of treading water
Because everybody drifts away
And I am so heavy
And broken
built to drown
And your goodbye
is the fullest
Of endings
Pulling me down

i am prescribed
to watch you
perfidious dying star
whose brilliant life
dilated my eyes
a drug of promise
a light on black water
i've been treading

and will tread
and will tread


already nova
you disintegrate
protracted
yet instantaneous
even as you sit so still
composed
while decomposing
impossibly looking
and not looking at me
your disappearance is blinding
and massive
a denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
your nothingness
crashes over me in waves  

as I roll without direction beneath
        where the bottom used to be


silent violence made
in your wake perpetuates
unforeseen side effects
effectively you abandoning me
vacuum void my undone body
black hole collapse of gravity
such is your fall out all over me
infuriating stellar reliability

unequivocal follow through
really ******* good for you


watch how easy it is
for you to take me apart
with your words
see my soft pieces writhe
wet and mute on the floor
disassembled
by a sentence
betrayed by your mouth
only my thoughts remain
teeming aimlessly
toward what is gone
wanting to be known

knowing they are hopeless
             as cries underwater


tears on skin
evaporate instantly
you will forget
in as much time
their tiny sacrifices
hundreds of momentary lives
lived only in your name
hundreds of deaths for you
miniature castaways of me
crying a siren's song
sinking me further
because it is my nature to
give pieces of myself away
trying to become complete
until suddenly
i am gone entirely
wanting to take you with me

between the two of us someone
            is subconsciously a killer


sudden deep freeze self defense
disassociation disbelief
because of what I know
you know you mean to me
-and-
also there are rules
to you leaving me
you promise to never ever
be my friend
and assure me
i will never ever
see you again

                 subzero affect
forever treacherous end


this - is the part - when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
spectacularly
as you watch  --  help-less-ly
intentionally not saving me

because what you do for a living
                                    is killing me


i will tire of treading water
because everybody drifts away
i am so laden
and broken
built to drown
your goodbye
is the fullest
              a set up
to pull me down


Sent from my iPhone

call me thief
i confess
beg forgiveness
but deserve no
redemption
because
i know
my life consists of
stolen objects
omitted truths
little white lies
paper trails
giving up
my secret reign of
Getting Away With It
my doctors tell me
i have a problem
impulses need to be curbed
behaviors halted
there is no cure
for my particular
ailment
my disease
is pathological
socially unacceptable
and hardwired
all i have to do,
they prescribe,
is stop
easy
like stop thinking
stop moving
stop remembering
stop feeling
they say:
just ask permission.
at 30 years old
i still have to ask permission
because i never learned how
apparently
nobody cares
that on the couch
it all makes sense
5 year old shoplifter
turned teenage klepto
turned scavenger of all opportunities
stealing is stealing
is stealing
thief is thief is thief
age, circumstances, chemistry:
excuses.
when i give in
to get what i want
people get hurt
nothing i can do
nothing i can say
will solve
this equation of shame
surprisingly
my prognosis is fine
just dont do it again
so i am resigned
the thing about done, however
is that it remains done, forever
too little too late, says i
my sentence
the bottom line
marred conscience
reputation maligned
while im not doing what i did
to reverse my integrity
i am just devastated
justly
in the meantime

you caught me
red handed
being my mothers daughter
re-enacting the fugue of
my childhood
rummaging thru the basement
for some irony
that i am not a thirty year old
replica of her

i hand you everything
that you demand
admit i am wrong
and you threaten me anyway
because it makes you feel strong
arms crossed
poised for a fight
petulant
because that is
the only thing
i refuse to give you

you dont want my apology
you dont do acceptance
you wont look me in the eyes
unless you are breathing fire
in my face
casually destroying me

it wont take justice
it wont take honesty
it wont take anything
to redeem me
because to you
i am rightless
inhuman
as if i were never born
but i was
and to the wrong woman

you would just like to remind me
that i am living on
borrowed time
but i know
my whole life has been
borrowed

your threats leave me vacant
nothing you can say
fills me more with fear
than my past
a basement full
of food stamps
welfare checks
food banks
good will
and the will to survive
starting from conception

feral kitten to
feral cat
cardboard box to
cardboard box
lost and found
collected
abandoned
looking thru whats left behind
for some kind of future
i am sorry your
8 thousand dollar life
was witness to my own
complicated by my
impoverished
deprived
depravity
forgive me
for troubling you

Haunt me you
In my sleep
Semi true
Bad-good Dreams
You are not inside who
Your outsides seem to be
But I am a girl
In girl’s clothing
Innocent dissident
Night holds me down
My submission solicited
Sideways somehow
My fall compounded
Repeated impact
Your memory the knife
Stuck in my back
Blood keeps us close
I give — you take
Misplaced love
Cannot be faked
Fantastic trust
Perfect mistake
Backward lust
Turned subconscious ****
Secrets decay inside of me
Lies too beautiful not to believe

this is just an estimation of
other words i have for you
this is not my entire truth
semi-recognizable

i am just one of the people who
like looking down thru
what the way-down brings,
is bringing me to

head down, under attack
pleading to be drowned
begging more, eyes rolled back
bound and choked in half

give me the most and more,
all of the descent
cant you feel my cold cold skin
the death of good intent

inevitably reprehensible
this manner of unacceptable
politely pretending proximity to you
without sliding easily into
the familiarity of our own
private black hole vacuum

back slide discovery,
rare delicacy you consume
all but delicately
**** red raw the wound
my insides out from me
my feigned innocence
exhumed

where in the void you radiate
everything i desire
friction burn ignite
supernova fire
instant spasm implosion
silent screaming perfect
chaos opening and closing
bring a star shining to death

until nothing persists in vacancy
all what of me is left
one small frozen exhaling
tiny puff of breath
dissipating, frail, fragile
your hand closing in vain
around the fading intangible
every second reinventing pain,

bringing emptiness by the handful
and every very good reason not to
believe in me, instead,
to be very careful
with the perverse purity of the dead

nowhere now to hide because
everywhere is findable
no way now to get lost because
everything is definable
no way now to lie because
my mouth breaks hearts that way
no way now to say
what you wanna hear
because i have swallowed that away

except, obviously
don't follow me down
don't appear beside me
this was never steady ground
despite what we’d like to think

obviously, my friend
don't let me get away with it
or let me let you again
don't pretend smile sarcastic,
even if this is an ironic end,
this is hard enuff to give and take,
without making light, or laughing fake,
permanent ink black out that night
indelibly erase

i just have to cry and write this down
because you know exactly every detail why
and because officially on paper
its not really a good bye

i have no discipline
except when it comes to the pen
i can capitalize on a beginning,

as you well know,

and now, here,
i will punctuate an end.

it matters that
i hold your hand
carefully in mine
feel wanted and feel like
i can walk away being
wanted at anytime
it matters that this hurts you
the chosen things that i do
turn on a dime
drop of a hat
whim of mine
curiosity...cat


the rest of you hapless muse
torturing my senses
beckon me to use you
constant and relentless

i stand here anonymous
a statue in a crowd
daydreaming oblivious
but for your shape shift in a cloud

the city would dizzy me
if i stopped to notice it
but nothing knocks me off my feet
harder than how soft you hit

i am destined to drift north
leave your true aim behind
my heart and hands grey and die off
when you finally give away what was mine

because i can not go on each day
knowing how much of you is left
to inspire someone else this way
another good, another better, another best

but i seem to go on writing
maybe restless, or out of doubt
maybe out of resentment, or spite
to get the rest of you out

i can not hurt you
and help you too
these are two things
impossible to do
together simultaneously
because of the way you feel about me

you shud hate me now
for stealing from you
for doing what a thief wud do
for lying the way a liar lies too
for not doing what i promised i wud
for not being as strong as i cud
for taking your heart out from your chest
for doing my worst when i am at my best
for getting past your big thick wall
only to prove you dont know me at all

i can create pain without you knowing
hurt you
with a smile showing
you sed you saw this betrayal coming
then why didnt you set off  the **** running
straight away from inevitability
to get the hell away from me

are you like me after all
a *******, do you like to fall
just too feel the screaming pain
just to watch the blood again
is that why you let me do this to you
so you cud feel something new
anguish is such a novelty
when you pretend to think you’re so happy
but i dont think you like the pain
not the way i like the pain
you dont want to make it hurt
you want to escape it first
before it leaves a lasting mark
i for one, i love my scars
cut me all up and down
bring the pain all around
numb me out i wanna drown
open vein blood rush sound
i indulge in being
more lost than found
by the end of this page i will be
gone
completely
totally
maybe by then
you will know me
better than you thot you did
know i still dont know
and i didnt mean to be bad
know i was just an ideal
that you never really had
know that i am a traitor
know that i am weak
know that you are not my savior
know that i am a freak
know that i want
everything thats bad for me
know that i flaunt
my life’s tragedy
just for a little connection
a little negative attention
i am not the good girl
you wud have in your suspension
of disbelief
i am a cheat
i am deplored
and you do not want to know me
not anymore

semi precious
my genetics
curiosity
irregular heart
beat stop start
unexpectedly
misshaped child
cross eyed smile
dna accidents
brain broken
pain threshold open
hell bent innocence
opal smoke
squinting hope
someday she might see
stare at you
staring back
thru all mine at me

Because of things
that happened
20 years ago
In a bed at night
When I was vulnerable
Accidentally trusting you
Old enough to leave Home
Not old enough to buy a drink
Just lost enough to fall for you
Give myself to you entirely
Because you had found me
Where others had pathetically not
In me you found the obvious
Fear
Insecurity
Abandonment
Neglect
trauma
You found yourself in me
Except you were twice my age
Affected tho like me - but wrong
My teacher so accessible
And so all the more taboo
For a feral girl without boundaries
Oh you knew me
You smelled me coming down the hall
My untamed heart
My broken heart
My disappointed heart
My empty heart
Waiting for all of you to get inside of it
And fill me up
I thought I needed you
I thought it was love
When you are starving
everything looks like food
Even the poison
You looked at me -
right at me - into me -
I felt you inside of me
naked in my chair like a stress dream
This was English class
Because you acknowledged me
In front of everyone
And without anyone knowing
You searched me
beseeching
pleading
I imagined you begging
I was so stupid to think
You could be mine
And I could be in control

For four years I imagined you begging
For for years you were oh so careful
Late nights at school editing
Driving me home- dropping me last at the top of manhattan
Peeling clementines for me
As I watched your fingers pull back the skin
Just like that
As we discussed my poetry
Until I was gone from you
And had only your words
“Love, Tom”
And a book of poems
Emily
I knew you loved me
And when I returned
In the snow globe of
old 72nd st station
We kissed
You possessed me
This was our secret
You said
And I laughed
In my head
Then out loud but
anonymous and silent
In the rush hour train station crowd
I was not keeping this to myself
I was - so - young
What did you expect from
My hormone flooded
Underdeveloped and broken besides
brain?
Besides thinking I was your
Pet ******
Secrets are for confession
spoken once
never to be repeated
but you repeated
didn’t you?
Mistaking me for Ophelia
Getting me to a nunnery
So the truth didn’t get you fired
But my lips parted
As only a ******’s could
telling all my sisters
What did Ophelia do with all those
tokens anyway?
She didn’t take the ******* train.

That was the night
I was ticketed
For smoking a cigarette on the platform
And tossing it into the tracks.
A secret I begged the officer to keep
From my parents
Which he said he would
But did not
A lie only
A policeman could tell.
So robust I had to believe him
I should have expected him
To betray me
By just doing his job

I could say that
About you Mr teacher
Or was ******* me
without a ******
Without my permission
Part of my homework?

my eyes are black
bruised in mourning
drowningcry spill
black lilac sky
last nite
why not blue wonky pill
why not black red cut to ****
vinyl duct
tape me shut
before i
get out
after dark
like a beaten runaway
its too easy
to get this way
this way you love me

you are  five minutes away
seven days a week
on the tip of my tongue
whenever i open my mouth to speak
you are my foil  and my conscience
together in one breath
you tell me to say no
and you want me to say yes
you are both a boy and a man
pretending and sardonic
the best thing that is worst for me
you are entirely ironic
i dont want to escape you
i didnt realize i was running away
until i ran right into you
thinking i was going the other way
directions switch meaningless
all i know is  i feel down lately
only because my face is wet
ive been crying evidently
you might know why having been my friend
you might know why having been my lover
you might know one of these has to end
but even i dont know one from the other
and maybe you kinda dont know either and
you read this so smilingly
and maybe you kinda understand
and that tear feels just perfectly
like my fingers slipping down your cheek
like they did that rightwrong day
like the salty taste of my mouth across teeth
under the green&white; doorway
i will think about that twenty seconds
until i see and see and see you again
wishing for twenty more last impressions
a song singing its refrain

you are a hedonist
selfish, you say
owing nothing
to no one
i agree, smiling,
because i watch you
not watching me
and it is my pleasure
that you do not care
until after
and even then
it is questionable

admittedly,
i am a *******
this way
looking to you for
what by nature
you can not give me
and with envy
as you give it to yourself

the more time i am there
and the more time i am not
i become unconvinced
of my easy complicty
my promises
my integrity
and before long
all too soon, in fact,
i am on the other side of up again

i am much like you
pleasure in pleasure
but without stamina
i can not maintain
seeing thru myself
being seen thru
not being seen at all

departing again
you knew i would
my kind, you said,
in jest
but there seems to be
honesty in everything you say
this is how you are not selfish
giving truth away

my heart
floats
in your hand

her red body
your command

my pulse
buoyant
by your breath

without you
a loveless death

my blood swims
for your devotion
you are the air
i am the ocean

No no no no no no no nononononoNONO
NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is not...
You are not...
I did not...
Why is this... ?
How did I get...?

malfunction

againagainagainagain
since so so so far far far back back back when
confusionNOchaos
inside me
(Hyperventilating)
in the air around me between you and me in the place where we live
(Eyes shut tight/mute cry)
cant be there
where there is nowhere to hide
and the floor is hard
I can't not breathe quietly enough
to escape your mismatched feelings
I try to be small enough
like a flat dying cat under the couch
fearing what is next
what kind of horror will find me
in my own house

suddenly I am totally unsure of my
surroundings
I feel only my hot quick breath
close around me
a suffocating security blanket
two hands a mask
with no eye-holes

this must be some kind of sickness
I do not feel well or right or like I
usually feel
and there is the sound of monsters
I would rather not have this experience
of panic pain
imminent calamity
****** escape is not an option

mercy slams my body
familiar strange stiffness
euthanization dissociation
safety dissintegrates me into an illusion
making me invisible
just before the end
begins again
my repepeating oblivion

i dont remember what i didnt say to you
what i shud have sed
what you told me i forgot to
do
and eventho after the fact
i believe you
looking back
i wish i had the choice to
be right or wrong so that
i wuddnt  have waited so
******* long to apologize
or remember
the look in your eyes
the last time i saw you
or the sound of your voice
on the receiver
your hand and mine
doing the same thing
at the same time
at some point we were both crying
i dont know about you
but i think this admission
is long overdue
you probly wud say thats an understatement
or something actually more clever
and you wud be absolutely right
again as ever
and i wud smile and laugh in spite
of how bad i feel
because i totally ****** you over
when i claimed to be your friend
oh it was so beautiful the way
i did such a hateful thing
to love you and disappear all in one day
despite my pride
my promises to you
your shredded insides
i cuddnt say one thing and do
the same
god forbid i be constant
or have integrity
i am mad at myself
maybe enuff for both of us
but if not
please take this chance
to tell me off