Because of things that happened 20 years ago In a bed at night When I was vulnerable Accidentally trusting you Old enough to leave Home Not old enough to buy a drink Just lost enough to fall for you Give myself to you entirely Because you had found me Where others had pathetically not In me you found the obvious Fear Insecurity Abandonment Neglect trauma You found yourself in me Except you were twice my age Affected tho like me - but wrong My teacher so accessible And so all the more taboo For a feral girl without boundaries Oh you knew me You smelled me coming down the hall My untamed heart My broken heart My disappointed heart My empty heart Waiting for all of you to get inside of it And fill me up I thought I needed you I thought it was love When you are starving everything looks like food Even the poison You looked at me - right at me - into me - I felt you inside of me naked in my chair like a stress dream This was English class Because you acknowledged me In front of everyone And without anyone knowing You searched me beseeching pleading I imagined you begging I was so stupid to think You could be mine And I could be in control
For four years I imagined you begging For for years you were oh so careful Late nights at school editing Driving me home- dropping me last at the top of manhattan Peeling clementines for me As I watched your fingers pull back the skin Just like that As we discussed my poetry Until I was gone from you And had only your words “Love, Tom” And a book of poems Emily I knew you loved me And when I returned In the snow globe of old 72nd st station We kissed You possessed me This was our secret You said And I laughed In my head Then out loud but anonymous and silent In the rush hour train station crowd I was not keeping this to myself I was - so - young What did you expect from My hormone flooded Underdeveloped and broken besides brain? Besides thinking I was your Pet ****** Secrets are for confession spoken once never to be repeated but you repeated didn’t you? Mistaking me for Ophelia Getting me to a nunnery So the truth didn’t get you fired But my lips parted As only a ******’s could telling all my sisters What did Ophelia do with all those tokens anyway? She didn’t take the ******* train.
That was the night I was ticketed For smoking a cigarette on the platform And tossing it into the tracks. A secret I begged the officer to keep From my parents Which he said he would But did not A lie only A policeman could tell. So robust I had to believe him I should have expected him To betray me By just doing his job
I could say that About you Mr teacher Or was ******* me without a ****** Without my permission Part of my homework?