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Sara Reilly Nov 2017
you cannot see it
you mistake the air
for nothing at all
it cheats your senses
second skin
so complete
surrounding you
filling you
sealing you in
the always and never
even in absence
of its evidence
every animal
knows which way
the wind is blowing
except you

paranoia and delusion
collude with logic
to keep you safe
sheep in wolf's clothing
hiding among wolves
words and behaviors
with no teeth
without breath
without thought
their meaning
killed over and over
by deathly repetition
rote belief
and active denial

safety is a charade
prettiest pose on display
polished trap-showcase
practiced happyish face
unnaturally fixed in place
something unsettling
seen and unseen
settled between your eyes
and the kind-of-not-quite smile
straining your jaw
saying silently something
is still wrong

it is Impossible to
explain your condition
why you sometimes feel
so many desperate hands
reaching out
through your laughing mouth
a reverse choke
on your own silence
you smile at this
in self defense
you are an animal after all
yes, I can see you

your eyes stutter to
convince the rest of your face
that: no, no this is a mistake, and
that: this is a dangerous situation
but your mouth does not agree
and continues to smile at me

revealing teeth
tame with restraint
round and ineffectual
making your mouth
a useless tool
false invitation
primal fear
easy intimidation
when predators near
you should be more careful
who you smile at dear

routines are an ordered madness
masking your chaotic sadness
build of habits and
unconsciousness and
your nostalgia for regret
and missed opportunities
you can not forget

fall prey to
your insecurities
your self doubt
to everything nothing
all at once
this is how you
cancel yourself out

you are a lousy animal
killing yourself this way
you would die in the wild
you belong in a cage
Sara Reilly Nov 2017
Because of things
that happened
20 years ago
In a bed at night
When I was vulnerable
Accidentally trusting you
Old enough to leave Home
Not old enough to buy a drink
Just lost enough to fall for you
Give myself to you entirely
Because you had found me
Where others had pathetically not
In me you found the obvious
You found yourself in me
Except you were twice my age
Affected tho like me - but wrong
My teacher so accessible
And so all the more taboo
For a feral girl without boundaries
Oh you knew me
You smelled me coming down the hall
My untamed heart
My broken heart
My disappointed heart
My empty heart
Waiting for all of you to get inside of it
And fill me up
I thought I needed you
I thought it was love
When you are starving
everything looks like food
Even the poison
You looked at me -
right at me - into me -
I felt you inside of me
naked in my chair like a stress dream
This was English class
Because you acknowledged me
In front of everyone
And without anyone knowing
You searched me
I imagined you begging
I was so stupid to think
You could be mine
And I could be in control

For four years I imagined you begging
For for years you were oh so careful
Late nights at school editing
Driving me home- dropping me last at the top of manhattan
Peeling clementines for me
As I watched your fingers pull back the skin
Just like that
As we discussed my poetry
Until I was gone from you
And had only your words
“Love, Tom”
And a book of poems
I knew you loved me
And when I returned
In the snow globe of
old 72nd st station
We kissed
You possessed me
This was our secret
You said
And I laughed
In my head
Then out loud but
anonymous and silent
In the rush hour train station crowd
I was not keeping this to myself
I was - so - young
What did you expect from
My hormone flooded
Underdeveloped and broken besides
Besides thinking I was your
Pet ******
Secrets are for confession
spoken once
never to be repeated
but you repeated
didn’t you?
Mistaking me for Ophelia
Getting me to a nunnery
So the truth didn’t get you fired
But my lips parted
As only a ******’s could
telling all my sisters
What did Ophelia do with all those
tokens anyway?
She didn’t take the ******* train.

That was the night
I was ticketed
For smoking a cigarette on the platform
And tossing it into the tracks.
A secret I begged the officer to keep
From my parents
Which he said he would
But did not
A lie only
A policeman could tell.
So robust I had to believe him
I should have expected him
To betray me
By just doing his job

I could say that
About you Mr teacher
Or was ******* me
without a ******
Without my permission
Part of my homework?
Draft in progress
Sara Reilly Apr 2016
i am prescribed
to watch you
perfidious dying star
whose brilliant life
dilated my eyes
a drug of promise
a light on black water
i've been treading

and will tread
and will tread

already nova
you disintegrate
yet instantaneous
even as you sit so still
while decomposing
impossibly looking
and not looking at me
your disappearance is blinding
and massive
a denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
your nothingness
crashes over me in waves  

as I roll without direction beneath
        where the bottom used to be

silent violence made
in your wake perpetuates
unforeseen side effects
effectively you abandoning me
vacuum void my undone body
black hole collapse of gravity
such is your fall out all over me
infuriating stellar reliability

unequivocal follow through
really ******* good for you

watch how easy it is
for you to take me apart
with your words
see my soft pieces writhe
wet and mute on the floor
by a sentence
betrayed by your mouth
only my thoughts remain
teeming aimlessly
toward what is gone
wanting to be known

knowing they are hopeless
             as cries underwater

tears on skin
evaporate instantly
you will forget
in as much time
their tiny sacrifices
hundreds of momentary lives
lived only in your name
hundreds of deaths for you
miniature castaways of me
crying a siren's song
sinking me further
because it is my nature to
give pieces of myself away
trying to become complete
until suddenly
i am gone entirely
wanting to take you with me

between the two of us someone
            is subconsciously a killer

sudden deep freeze self defense
disassociation disbelief
because of what I know
you know you mean to me
also there are rules
to you leaving me
you promise to never ever
be my friend
and assure me
i will never ever
see you again

                 subzero affect
forever treacherous end

this - is the part - when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
as you watch  --  help-less-ly
intentionally not saving me

because what you do for a living
                                    is killing me

i will tire of treading water
because everybody drifts away
i am so laden
and broken
built to drown
your goodbye
is the fullest
              a set up
to pull me down

Sent from my iPhone
2nd draft. c.sdr 2016
Sara Reilly Apr 2016
Dear doctor, your goodbye

I am prescribed
to watch you
Perfidious dying star
Whose brilliant life
Dilated my eyes
A drug of promise
A Light on black water
I've been treading
And will tread
And will tread

Already nova
You disintegrate
Yet instantaneously
Even as you sit so still
Composed while decomposing
Impossibly looking and
Not looking at me
Your disappearance is blinding
And massive
A denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
Your nothingness
Crashes over me in waves
As I roll without direction beneath
Where the bottom used to be

Watch how easy it is
For you to take me apart
With your words
See my soft pieces writhe
mute on the floor
By a sentence
Betrayed by your mouth
Only my thoughts remain
Swimming aimlessly
Toward what is gone
Wanting to be known
Knowing they are hopeless
As cries underwater

tears on skin
Will evaporate
you will forget
their tiny sacrifices
Hundreds of brief lives
lived only
in your name
Hundreds of deaths for you
Miniature castaways
Of me
crying a siren's song
Sinking me further
Because it is my nature to
Give pieces of myself away
Trying to become complete
Until suddenly
I am gone entirely
Wanting to take you with me
Between the two of us
Someone is accidentally
A natural born killer

In the wake of
silent violence this
professional abandoning
is the collapse of gravity
of what I know
you know you mean to me
and then
you promise to never
be my friend and
you will make sure
I will never ever
see you again
Subzero affect
forever treacherous end
this is the part when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
as you watch  --  help-less-ly
Intentionally not saving me
Because what you do for a living
is killing me

I will tire of treading water
Because everybody drifts away
And I am so heavy
And broken
built to drown
And your goodbye
is the fullest
Of endings
Pulling me down
In progress
Sara Reilly Mar 2016
The effects of poverty on children
The development of maladaptive behaviors
a.k.a survival instinct to
in victims of childhood abuse
In children of mothers with mental illness

See:  Schizophrenia births ******-                               affective bipolar set-up borderline personality

Of Broken promises and
Of divorce
on toddlers
Subject to
Dissociative identity disorder maniacal
Munchuasen syndrome
Development of anorexia in girls whose mothers
tell them they are fat
And not to eat
At the age of 3
And do not keep
food in the house
Of memory loss on survivors of ******
**** perpetual at brother's behest
Sibling rival/sociopath/hater
Initiate secrets to swallow later
Same same high school juvenile
English teacher hebophile
Lies beget lies with no adult supervision
Predators penetrate without permission
Especially favored males
above suspicion

Back to back with

Court ordered
reverse abduction
Too much too late
Overt overprotection
premature prepubescent
irreversible independence
****** up DNA lifetime sentence
Survivor guilt/too young to choose
Either way at 12 years old you lose
Tough love authoritarianism
Prodromal adolescent survivalism
Now no court dare insist
which insanity trumps which
Coupled with
Biological mother "crazy" trash-talk
Teenage runaway as soon as she can walk
Development of trust issues
Normalized by chronic
neglect and abuse
Hyper vigilant of subtext
Double super mega
Abandonment complex
Stockholm syndrome and PTSD
Dissociation in abductees
(Comfortable with recreating tragedies)
Within exploded families
Where the truth is an accumulation
Of what is not acknowledged

diagnostic checklists
Symptoms life synopsis
Doctors office doctors office
Taper off, titraite this
between pages tranquillized
Quoth the holy DSM V
Artificial life artificial life

As dirt swept under the rug
So much dirt makes a pile
So big a pile makes a child
A child makes too much noise
Ignore her
Tell her to shut up
Make her shut up
She is a liar
Put her in the closet
Do not feed the girl child
She needs too much
She is too much
Takes up too much room
Even in the womb
It's ok if she goes away
If someone takes her one day
If she dies
If her brother wants to **** her
And tries
Pretend she is dead

Mother didn't do anything
Wrong after all
No proof
No evidence
Just a child never born
To steal the glow of
Psychosis from the flaming eyes
Of a mother crossed
Who also never saw adulthood coming

Through the delusions, the chaos
Inherent crime without cost
You can't blame us
Born and raised already lost

Generations of children
Who make bad adults
Potential unfulfilled
And it's nobody's fault.
In progress
Sara Reilly Mar 2016
No no no no no no no nononononoNONO
This is not...
You are not...
I did not...
Why is this... ?
How did I get...?


since so so so far far far back back back when
inside me
in the air around me between you and me in the place where we live
(Eyes shut tight/mute cry)
cant be there
where there is nowhere to hide
and the floor is hard
I can't not breathe quietly enough
to escape your mismatched feelings
I try to be small enough
like a flat dying cat under the couch
fearing what is next
what kind of horror will find me
in my own house

suddenly I am totally unsure of my
I feel only my hot quick breath
close around me
a suffocating security blanket
two hands a mask
with no eye-holes

this must be some kind of sickness
I do not feel well or right or like I
usually feel
and there is the sound of monsters
I would rather not have this experience
of panic pain
imminent calamity
****** escape is not an option

mercy slams my body
familiar strange stiffness
euthanization dissociation
safety dissintegrates me into an illusion
making me invisible
just before the end
begins again
my repepeating oblivion
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
act like you dont see
you are walking right in front of me
carefully scripted in the dark
pretending you dont know
where you are

this place forgets everyone
before theyve gone
same same
done done

you are just as
especially worth
forgetting, side stepping
everyone brings in the dirt
  smile smile
  dance upon the hurt
  laugh laugh
  bring in the dirt
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