I love the little brick cottage
The one you held my hand to show me
In the middle of the woods
How you stared into my eyes
Promising me we’d move in one day

I love the broken stove
The one you apologized for
When we moved in as teenagers
Without a penny to our name
But we spend our days  exploring the woods

I love the wallpaper
The gross yellow you’d always laugh at
How you say you hated it but never took down
Because it makes me laugh
When you wrinkle your nose at it.

this girl puts the air in my lungs
Into little jars she collects
My fragile heart
Devoted to her like a fool
The sound of angels accompany her steps
The storm will clear up
My dear
And then you’ll love me again

Your lips a plump red
The field of poppies like your personality
The sun beams on our faces
As we grin understandably
I wonder when i will be this happy ever again

Under the strum up lights
The gazebo is our little sanctuary
Little Italy has never felt so romantic
Your soft hands on my long hair
I wonder when ill see a beauty this stunning again

The morning that came was peaceful
The smell of fresh lavender
Morning lights hit the window in technicolor
Your eyes are a dark swirl rich French chocolate
I indulge myself in all your sweetest

I wonder if you think of this too
When you see me

I could let it hurt me
And i did
Lost in your innocent blue eyes

I could drown in your stories
Of raging seas
How you yearn for something that wasn’t me

I knew you’d leave
No harbor was your home
But hope is a poor sinner’s burden.

The New York lights
Are not as pretty as she describes it

The way she sparkles talking about it
While sitting in a field of hay
She makes them sound like heaven
And i had most faith that she would’ve
Became the star of it all

I made it here Carolina
They are not as pretty as you say.

it began with a burning sensation
all consuming
until I succumb to your ivory fingers

I die in a lustful flame
never to see you naked
in your truest form

I think of the calm sea
When i see your eyes
Because calm seas are a guise
The storm is only near by
So destructive, inconsiderate, and selfish!

You voice reminds me of a raging sea
The way your waves hit so hard
With no restraint, no regards.
The pressure that drowns even the strongest ear
The air bubbles that force themselves into your lungs

But your heart is a coral reef
The abundance of life, the determination
Vibrant colors fit only for paradise
Oh so addicting, that adrenaline rush
Such clarity that one stays mesmerized forever

So mesmerized
I sail through the calm seas, against the raging storm, to see it.

The walls of faded wallpaper
The bacon grease sizzling on a pan
Her smile, the newspaper
Timeless and memorable.
Morning air misty and clear

The afternoon filled with puzzles
Walks by the river bank
She laughs with a poetry book
Pointing to you silly love poetries
That you dont tell her you are living it

Darkness brings a firewood calmness
The Same kind that she is made of
The twinkling fire sparks live in her eyes
The honey stirred rose tea
Her skin thin under the veil

The slow dance was so relaxed
so easy
so real my feet float

i miss your gentle step dear
come home soon

You keep me alive
my muse
the beauty i thank you for
the shaky room that rocks my core
the same way you did me
under the pure moonlight

I fall under your spell
with all my glee
a fly to a spider web

Live within me
your white spirit
my deep colors
painting our paradise in the room
of our tiny closet apartment

Bleed my gentle eyes
for the heaven i should not have seen
adam and eve
eating the forbidden apple
burning in a parasite of the brave

Put down those burden my dear
Share with me your sour fruits
I know you’ve reached saturation
With all hopeful thoughts
That darkness seeps in you like black ink

But put down that knife my dear
I can see the light you still yet cannot
The warm biscuits and rose red tea
That sits on your peaceful porch
Where you will smile upon the little laughters

I hope you are well my dear
But its alright if you’re not
Your strength will become you
Your darkness grows only empathy
And you will be more beautiful from it

I hope you bloom one day
With patience and kindness to yourself
A gentle soul you are
And a raging force you will be
Sincerely, your guardian angel.

I apologize for my bluntness
The ruthlessness of my words
But i think you need to know

That you did not nurture me
The way you think you’re the savior
But slowly instead, you are the poison

You wish to save me from.

In my black ink your love shines bright
That the same fire that build our warmth

Burns a fiery death.

The lark sings a pretty song
I lived to hear it
And I am grateful always

For such a little blessing
That I have only scratched the surface of this world
And already feel so overwhelmed

Sometimes i think
if the sun will ever shine the same
knowing it will never land on your face again.

I put your tiny shoes back in the closet
never cleaning off the dirt
that contained all your laughs.

Happy souls
so happy to leap into earth
what happened between then and now?
that made your frown so deeply carved into your skin?

Well i hope you are better now
happy soul
i hope you are better now.

i still miss the way you hum when you brush your hair
the little furrowed brow you do when washing the dishes

you should've seen your mother's face
so empty that it would break your heart too.

i shouldve known something was wrong
when you said goodbye instead of goodnight.

xbox: last signed in, 6 years ago.

You said you were made of the ocean
that salt water ran in your blood

thats why when we said goodbye
your lips tasted so salty.

its  wonderful how
i let you sew yourself onto me
only to pull away my flesh when you want to run.

you have so many fun options
but i only have you
how unhealthy, isn't it?

so when you slice me open again
i run to my poor poetry site
to spill out words i don't even consider poetic anymore

words that my poor readers have to take in
when they should have engulfed you.

he sounded so annoyed
i thought that bitter tone could never come from his lips
but it did--a small reminder of my childhood

like that
i felt my skin flaking off
layer by layer
and i lay here bare
with no courage to stand again.

what did my therapist said?
not to be so sensitive?
the moon laughs tonight
at useless tears wasted again
me hurting my own poor heart.

we sometimes forget
from i guess a rightful fear

that growing old
is a privilege.

I can't explain to you my jealousy
of watching people laugh in a group
such genuine laugher i could cry

I can't remember having a purpose
of getting out of bed
to not cancel my plans last minute

This sounds painfully self-wallowing
but this is all I have
Until a better day comes.

I hold onto the darkness
like an old friend
sweet embrace of familiarity.

Today,
instead of washing down a cheeseburger with a donut
I ate something that made my body sing

Today,
instead of letting my hair get tangled again
I brushed it out

Today,
instead of wallowing in bed
I found the courage the get up and brush my teeth

my point is,
I am not ashamed of any of the things i do when i am depressed.
but i am proud of when i get better

My point is
i dont know when i will go back to being depressed again
and not brush my teeth, and lay in bed wallowing, and washing down fast food.

But i know a better day will come
however long
I did it once, i can do it again.

My window is leaking again
2nd time since you've been gone
funny how it never seemed to rain
when you were around
the california air always so peaceful

The first time i panicked, cried, and felt my world crumble
this time, i even laughed a little
called my mother
and sorted things out
the california rain seemed to calm a little

I sat in the light tower,
waiting... waiting... waiting...
heavenly father, i not longer believe.

The waves are violent tonight
has he landed at a harbor safely?
Even if it is not mine.

But i wait at the light tower
shining the call to home
guiding him back

No harbor is his home
but i hope he will see my light
and take me away to the sea.

Alice spilled herself over the table
her body filled with magic happy potions
that gave her a terrible headache with time
"take me to wonderland"
while strange creatures drag her home
and she awoke in a nightmare trance

Why is it so hard to get back to wonderland?

Shes like a sunflower!
He exclaimed
Then his eyes darkened
"wanna see me rot her roots?"

I want to thank you
faceless, nameless reader
for your kindness of sparing a second
reading an awkward soul's mundane poems.
Like screaming into a void with echoes.

you don't know me
but you lift the burden of my stress
so thank you
I hope warmth and kindness find you always
for a simple act of sparing a second to read my poem.

There is a peace in the morning
the lark singing, but only ever so gently for you
a clean mist that breathes life into the earth.

I wake up to catch the Dawn
like your name
so much magic in 30 minutes.

A kiss between the brows
a hazy lazy smile.
Morning coffee and freshly washed hair

I need not spend my life chasing heaven
it is all around me if i looked harder
even if i must wake from this fantasy.

I saw myself
living in a green cottage near the sea
a bike ride from town to fetch fresh fruits
my lover,
planting new flowers in our yard.

Then the crystal ball broke
and i was back in my room
singing upon the mirror
to a lover that didn't exist
But with hope

i push through each day,
a step towards that green cottage near the sea.

I found myself almost struggling
to keep my head under water
I dont want to breathe
but the thought of my mother crying
pulls me up like a force of gravity

I emerge above the surface
the air poisoning my lungs
i want so bad the sweet embrace of water
to blank out for a bit
but my sweet mother, like a force of gravity

I could barely find the shadow
that lurks over my heart
for 2 whole decades,
i cascade into a mess of chaos.

You would've saw it coming
if you paid even a little attention
you watch me sleepwalk
right off a balcony.

I hope you find peace
when your fingers search that keyboard
a heavy heart that beats for no one
even if it feels like its not beating at all

I can only walk this earth for so long
before i learn to glaze over tears.
I yearn for a leap off the cliff
but i am  a slug in a salt bath.

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I hope sunshines and happiness follow you always.

I have been sleepwalking
since i was fourteen
finding my soul float away
in my body that walked the earth
in a dust of doubt

i wake up in a mist of red sunet
i am free

i dont know what happened
when his eyes didn't see me anymore
how quickly he glossed over
joking about my body
Aphrodite fell off her throne.

how i obsess and neglect my body
at the same time
how embarrassed i feel
to see a dull reflection in the mirror as he sees me
a silly girl mistaking herself as Aphrodite

He held his life into his hands
rewatching the memories of his life
he knew how to be happy once
and so he searched
in the mist of grey

underneath he found a flower
withering away in a dust of poison
gasp! that must be his happiness!
so he nurtured his weak pedals
till it is strong and grown

When Alan Barker look in the mirror
he not longer see a sorrowful man
with an easy slip of a finger he threw away the flower
it was not his happiness
he just needed to know something would live for him.

I am upset,
there is nothing more poetic than that right?
didn't all great poets write about great sadness?

is this is my muse--why am i in pieces?
i am full of questions with no one to answer them.
i've been telling myself time heals all

but its been so ******* long already.
When will time heal me?
because I am running out of time.

You are driving me CRAZY
the way your eyes no longer linger on me
not even for a second
I feel so pathetic
like a ******* child
trying to get the attention of a disinterested cat

Is it me? is it my body?
why do you not want me anymore?
I cannot shout these questions to anyone except you

do you see it now? youre driving me crazy
i cut open my skin and upfold them
disappearing into a smiley face
my bones crumbling under the architecture of your neglect
Please, just tell it as it is. you are driving me ******* crazy.

it HURTS
when his eyes no longer watch my body
he barely lifted his head
only to mumble a few words
and back to whatever he was doing it

it HURTS
when I realize he is familiar with me
it no longer interest him
you can only love a game so much
until you grow bored of it, right?

it HURTS
when his eyes are fixated onto the TV
even when i present my most vulnerable form

it HURTS
when he lies to me
and says I still make him feel things.

I am not blind.

There was nothing significant about her
those words came so naturally to her mother
spoken so fast--like a sharp blade to her skin

Her skin turns a bright pink under the sun
he grunted in a distain that sliced through her fingers
her heart dry as dust, her mouth taste of gun powder

She did not find the blade unnatural to her skin
it felt like childhood, like lovers, like home.
it stings with such familiarity,

she was certain, this was right.

There exist an embarrassment,
when your dog chooses your friend over you

you know its not the animals fault
but it sure feels like it

its interesting how we place faults in things other than our own

Its been years
since I've written something authentic to myself
When i was 15, writing was my hiding place

but now, i find myself
struggling to elevate my work
but the more i try, the worse they are

pretentious! tedious! full of a pious girl's empty words.
I felt pressured to change the world,
to write something remembered by

but today i awoke.
fully, and tired of writing words i barely mean.
in a society driven by authenticity and originality

i am, authentically me--insignificant, but fun to read at least!

my lover had statues
beautiful pale ivory skin
just like his.

he rarely took me seriously
said i was a child
under his great art, i succumb

I will always, faithfully,
be his muse
under his light, i flourish.

intertwined, we awoke burnt out in ash.

i picked up a new book
to find myself writing along
tapping to the beat of someone else's life

if only i could travel to the far west
where the mystery lived
to sing the songs of ancestors passing

i woke up in my dark bedroom
my thirst satisfied, my soul refreshed
the joys of reading.

I feel consumed by the thought
of dark colors rising up in my veins
like the woman lost in the yellow wallpaper
I lack the effort to lose my mind
until i go totally mad.

She chain smoked
of course, it was the 80s.
She hated herself
of course, the girl is fat
She felt her face sting the entire night
of course, he had a very long day.
She believed in herself
of course, she was foolish

and she continued on,
letting everybody make excuses
so she chain smoked.

I just wanted the world to see me
but I dont, because even I can't see myself
I look into the crystal glass
and couldn't see a future
just bursted dreams and a wicked fortune teller
she tells me things so horrible
they can only be lies

and so I lie alone on the stone pedestal
my skin bronzing under the sun
my bones toughening up with rain

I just wanted the world to see

I put the CD in the CD player
a sunset in every fall leaves
they make me think of you
of the colors that burst inside of me
my tea sat alone on the balcony
while I write letters with flowery cursive
my dearest, I said
the Paris light shines bright
grab my hand and dance.

Just her sun bleached hair
dancing on the shoreline in the dark
her toes tapping against the cold ocean water
extra gentle now
her tan skin smelled like cotton candy
her eyes looked so inspired
Something made her smell the summer salt
she would want to remember this--this 17.
She will never feel this way again
the ocean calls to her
she hears, but knocked down by waves.