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Samantha Aug 2014
Step One: Dress for Success
Dawn yourself in armor each morning
Spikes and studs
Headbands and helmets
Strike fear into every man’s heart
And look good while doing it

Step Two: Be a Lotus Flower
A rose, a lily
Be a venus fly trap
Deadly nightshade
Lady Macbeth said it best
“Look like the innocent flower
But be the serpent under it.”

Step Three: Always Have a Perfect Manicure
Sharpen your nails into knives
Slit your attackers throat
With just one swift movement
Of the wrist
Walk away with the blood working as polish
They won’t be able to tell the difference

Step Four: Smile
Never let them see you crumble
Never let them see you for what you are
Human.
Put up the walls
Man the cannons
You’re no longer a girl
You are a castle
And they want to storm you

Step Five: Be Polite
Swallow the bad words that want so badly
To sting that *******
Who cut in line at 7 Eleven
Suppress the rage that makes the blood
Under your pretty skin
Rise to your cheeks.
Instead, when he’s not looking,
Slash his tires in the parking lot.

Step Six: Stay In Shape
How else are you going to be able to survive
When the apocalypse comes
And its only you left

Step Seven: Focus on Your Education
So when the boys at school
Groan because they have to work with you on the English project
You can spit out verses of Shakespeare
And Frost
And Plath
And make them shake in their
Khaki shorts

Step Eight: Don’t Forget Where You Cme From
Don’t forget the hours
Your mother spent in labor
Pushing you through heaven’s doors
Don’t forget the women who came before you
The women who have tried so hard
To be the perfect girl
To collapse themselves into paper
To roll themselves like dough
Don’t forget those women,
Those girls.
Don’t forget to kiss your wrists each night
And say thank you to the stars.
Samantha Dec 2013
We judge people
Who judge people
Because judging people
Is wrong
And we **** people
Who **** people
Because killing people is wrong
And yet we do not
Cry for those who are sad
And we do not
Smile for those who are happy
Instead we remain
In our private prisons
Until something more
Exciting happens
Samantha May 2014
I am teeth,
He is fist.
I am the scabs on his knuckles,
The salt dripping from his lip.
He is strong, humble.
The type of boy your mother
Wants for herself.

My eyes are gray-blue,
Almost like fog.
He asked me if I could see through them.
I said “no.”
He asked again.
I said “no.”
He asked again.
I said “I can see you.”

His eyes are brown,
Or at least that’s what I imagined.
Maybe they’re blue too.
Maybe we have that in common.
I’ve never looked at him long enough to tell.

He is action,
I am script.
He is the character,
I am just the traits.

He is fist,
I am teeth.
He keeps his hands at his side.
He knows when to put them up.
He outlines my edges.
He needs someone who can open their arms.
I can only open my jaw.
He needs another fist.
I need myself.
A body needs two fists
But only one set of teeth.
We just don’t fit together.

My eyes are gray-blue.
My eyes are fog.
I can’t see through them.
I can’t see him
And I’m beginning to think thats a good thing.

His eyes aren’t brown.
They aren’t mud.
They’re diamonds encrusted in red sockets.
I should feel honored
He tore them out and
Offered them to me on a ring.
I only feel sick.

He is a text message at 3am.
He is “I hope she’s not asleep, its only 3am.”
I am still awake at 3am.
I am “why is he texting me at 3am.”

I am teeth,
He is fist.
I am gnash and snarl and bark.
I am a last resort.
He is broken nose and black eye,
He is bruise and scar.
I am machine,
He is tool.
I am teeth and he is fist
And we were never meant to intersect.
Samantha Dec 2013
I come from
Bleeding gums
Skinny arms
And ketchup smothered chicken
From dyed blue hair
And chipped black nail polish
From
"There’s no use crying over spilt milk"
And
"You’re not the first person to fail history"
I come from
Cracked bathtubs
Cracked skulls
Crooked teeth
Oversized sweaters
Overly sweetened tea
From diabetes
Breast cancer
And depression
I come from black heads
And pimples
Frizzy hair
Half filled journals
Half empty coffee cups
Purple lipstick
Scars from dropping the oven mitt
Seared flesh on wrists
I come from
Cigarette smoke curling under summer skies
From fake fire places
Freshly baked cookies
Poetry in the form of blood cells
From mental hospital stays
From blinding headaches
That vibrate through teeth
I come from
Pentacle necklaces
And pearl bracelets
Apple perfume
New York City visits
I come from
Trees
And grass
And flowers
I come from the beach
From salty air
And sandy toes
I come from everywhere
And I’m going nowhere
Samantha Dec 2013
I do this thing
Where I shut everyone out
And then wonder why I’m alone
I do this thing
Where I take my heart strings
And use them to
Sew my mouth shut
I do this thing
Where I write poems on my wrists
Because I can’t bear to cut
I do this thing
Where I force headaches
To crush my skull
Into oblivion
I do this thing
Where I don’t do
Anything
Samantha Jan 2014
His hair curled around my fingers
Soft brown hooks
Catching me off guard
And reeling me in

I can’t remember the color of his eyes
Were they blue
Like the sky just before sunset bleeds?
Were they green
Like the stretches of pastures on the countryside?
Were they brown
Like the heels of my boot?

His smile is permanently
Stuck in my brain
I’ve always adored other people’s smiles
But his shined brighter
Than Orion’s Belt

His laugh still sounds
In my ears
Its like the music that erupts from
His fingertips
He was laughing at his own joke

He was only a dream
An image coughed up by my
Unforgiving subconscious
I dreamt he loved me
But it was only a false alarm
Inspired by Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me by The Smiths
Samantha Oct 2014
I want blood on my knuckles.
I want blood painting pavement.
I want teeth falling to the ground and
Twinkling like wind chimes.

I want breath barely passing through lungs.
I want bruises mirroring
Inky fingerprints on a criminal record.
I want concrete on my tongue.

I want to destroy.
I want to be destroyed.
I want my torso to be the Roman ruins.
I want my hands to be the Mayan remains.

I want explosives hooked up to my jaw.
I want fingers on triggers.
I want nervous sweat.
I want fight or flight.

I want fight.
I want gun powder and knives.
I want fist colliding with face.
I want hospital bills and ambulance sirens.

I want violence.
((after Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club))
Samantha Jun 2014
Placing holy water on our wrists like perfume.
Locking ourselves in chapels,
Forgetting the reason for churches.
Do you remember the day
You carved a crucifix into my forehead?
Used the ashes of Christ as a band aid?
The Holy Spirit guided your numb limbs like
An ungodly puppeteer.

The almighty father smiles sadly.
He takes me in his arms,
Says, “My child, I am not sorry.”
Samantha Feb 2014
I wrote a poem about Ritalin
Though I've never tried it

I wrote a poem about my bed
Turning into an island
About my floor melting into sea water
And my ceiling light
Turning into the sun

I wrote a poem about a cigarette
All the best poets smoke
Death in itself is poetic

I wrote a poem about *****
It has been two years since I've felt
The familiar feel
Of bile climb up my throat
And meet my toilet bowl

I wrote a poem about voodoo dolls
And how the pins
Push through fabric
And how I wish it was flesh

I wrote a poem about cramps
I can physically feel my ****** tearing
Its way out of my body
With each contraction
I mark another tally on the chalkboard

I wrote a poem about bullets
Opening skin
Unzipping foreheads

I wrote a poem about teeth
Teeth falling out
Teeth growing in
Teeth twisting in gums

I wrote a poem about pain
And how my tolerance is so high
I've died seven times
And hardly noticed

I wrote a poem about blood
They say blood holds bad spirits
And I want to let them free
Please let them free

I wrote a poem about death
As cliche as it sounds
Everyone tells me to stop
Stop talking
Stop writing
My fascination with the end
Isn't healthy

I wrote a poem hospitals
Filled with diseases
Worse than my own
I feel the guilt clawing at my stomach
I feel the spirits thrash

I wrote a poem about nothing
Because thats all I am
Samantha Jun 2014
I need to learn how to finish projects,
How to breathe without wheezing.
But its so hard
When ideas are shooting around your brain
Like semi colon sized bullets
And the gun powder forms a smoke screen
And its starting to choke me.
I’m coughing up black.
I’m sorry I can’t be better.
I’m sorry I never learned how to be okay.
Samantha Dec 2014
And if i still hate myself
I will stop talking.
I don’t mean my usual silence.
My tight lipped, teeth glued silence.
I mean no hummingbird song
Or political speech.
No proclamation of apathy.
No growls of hunger.
I will clip my vocal cords
And learn the words to a mute poem.

And if you still hate yourself
We’ll forget how to sleep.
We’ll let it collect in the corners of our eyes
And lie awake
And lie through our teeth.

And if I still hate myself
I’ll swallow broken glass.
You’ll think its candy
And I won’t correct you.
You won’t know until you are
Called into the hospital at 3 am
And I’m called into the red sea.

And if you still hate yourself
We’ll sit in your backyard in July.
We’ll catch frogs and butterflies.
We’ll drown in our sweat.
I know how much you hate salt.
You know how much I hate heat.
We’ll call it masochism.

And if I still hate myself
I’ll tell myself I love myself
And the little lie
Will wrap around me like
A security blanket.

And if you still hate yourself
We’ll go to a lot of parties.
We’ll drink our own weight.
I like soda,
You like *****.
Either way we’ll both need
Our stomachs pumped eventually.

And if I still hate myself
And if you still hate yourself
We’ll join hands in church,
We’ll pray to Baal.
We’ll open ourselves completely.
Samantha Jan 2014
Dear Beautiful,
There are galaxies on your fingertips. They churn out words that explode like stars. I orbit around you

Dear Poet,
You write with honesty. I respect that. You spill your guts out onto paper for all to see. You wear your secrets like shawls. I try not to cry when I think of you on his bedroom floor

Dear Librarian,
All you do is read and write. Read and write. Read and write. Read and write. Are you reading these letters? Are you writing a reply?

Dear Laughter,
I like watching your stomach muscles squeeze when you laugh. However your smile is one of the few things I hate. Your teeth are stained with tea and coffee. You don’t smile enough. I could learn to live with that

Dear Cigarettes,
There’s a burning in my throat. I imagine myself with a hole in my windpipe, talking through a machine. I don’t know why I’m telling you this

Dear *****,
I hate you so much. You make me pull out my fingernails. You make me hold my head under soapy waves. You are a volcano leaking lava and it’s killing me. Melting my flesh and burning my bones. I am ash. You are the fires of Pompeii. You need to be extinguished

Dear Sorrow,
I’m sorry about that last letter

Dear Warrior,
You punched me in the face today. You split your knuckle on my teeth. I tasted your blood. The metallic bitterness sweet on my tongue. My jaw is bruising. It’s swollen. Is this an abusive relationship?

Dear Thunderstorm,
You’re a sonic boom. Please don’t do this to yourself.

Dear Beautiful,
You still have galaxies on your fingertips. But your heart has been replaced by a black hole. I need to leave before I’m ****** in. Swallowed whole. I’m sorry for wasting your time
Samantha Apr 2014
Teeth lining up around houses,
Whiter and brighter than
The magnesium burning in the fireplace.
He tells me about his dreams.
About gaping maws
Glistening and whispering.
Flute songs echoing until his ears cave in.
A mountain of tree limbs
Twisting like claws.
The dog barks too loudly.
The baby cries.
He tells me about the married life.
Samantha Dec 2013
Take these silver threads
Of memories
And weave them
Into tapestries
Hang them on stone walls
In forgotten castles
So they can rot
In a place
Besides my brain
Samantha Dec 2013
Am I walking on eggshells
Or am I walking on coals?
Are these shards of glass
Wedged into the belly of my foot
Or are these pebbles
That snuck into my shoes
On that one day we
Went to the lake?
The soles of my soul
Have worn away
Leaving black skid marks
On my heels
And blisters on my toes
All because you walk in a run
And I run in a walk
And i just can’t keep up
Samantha Dec 2013
Blood sloshes around
In blue veins
Pressed up against my skin
Open me
Unbutton my wrists
Let the winter air in
Samantha Feb 2014
All the pretty girls wear Doc Martens
And chew bubble gum.
All the pretty girls bite their bottom lips,
Kiss boys with blood
Rolling down their chins.
All the pretty girls wraps themselves up
In apologies meant for their mothers.
Pretty girls are heard, not seen.
Pretty girls forget their favorite poems
As they snort lines of *******
In their boyfriends bathroom.
Pretty girls handcuff themselves
To headboards of beds
In a desperate attempt to stop
Biting their nails.
Pretty girls complain about wolves
Howling in their heads.
Pretty girls want to be like
Other pretty girls.
Samantha Jun 2014
When your finger twitched on the trigger
Were your eyes glued to the
Rose blooming in her chest?

When she pulled her golden hair
Back into a ponytail
Did you wrap it around your fist?

When she refused to pull her lips back
And stretch her mouth into a smile
Did you feel the windshield of your heart break?

Do shards of glass
Ever float up your throat?
Do they every mix with the bile?

The day your name first passed
Through my lips
Was the day the fear became real.
a response to the USCB shootings
Samantha Oct 2014
My heart has deflated.
My heart has turned to a black and limp
Pebble in the belly of my palm.
My heart leaks juices
That remind me of meat.
I'm a vegetarian now.

The valves on my heart don't work anymore.
This much I am certain.
My heart sits in the makeshift oven
My ribs act as.
No longer a cage, no longer bone.
Just an oven chalk full of gas.
Will you brave the heat?

My heart was once a peach.
My heart is now a rotting plum.
Mold colonies take refuge.
I have named each spore.
Narcissus is my favorite.
He is green while the others are gray.
Its almost ironic.

They want to pickle my heart in a jar.
They want to inject me
Full of formaldehyde.
They want chemicals trickling out
Of my ears and open mouth.
My jaw slacked just for this.

I am lying on a surgery table.
My heart is about to be taken out.
I say goodbye to
My dearest, oldest friend.
I hope I can see it fossilized
And put in a great display case in a great history museum.
Everyone can marvel
At the heart so black, so flat, so burnt, so dead
It nearly exploded in a girl's chest.

I do not remember the steady pulsing.
The steady pumps.
The punctuations to each second.
I do not remember the flutter.
The skips.
But most importantly
I do not remember
The rotting.
Samantha Dec 2014
He told me he likes Bukowski.
That was the first sign.
You see, boys who like Bukowski and me
Don’t get along.
You see, Bukowski and me
Don’t get along.
I’m a Sylvia.
I’m an Anne.
A Maya and a Virginia.
You see, I am well versed
In death and silence.
You see, I have no interest in
Alcohol and misogyny.

He told me he likes The Smiths.
Now The Smiths
In and of themselves are great.
I’ve always been a fan of melancholy,
Of heartbreak.
Now The Smiths
Who have been morphed into this
Pseudo intellectual mirror are not my thing.
You see, boys pin me to a pedestal
For merely knowing who Morrissey is.
You see, I don’t care if
Dying by my side is such a heavenly way to die.
You see, I don’t plan on dying with him.

He told me he drinks his coffee black.
That would explain
Why when he kissed me
I tasted nothing but bitterness.
That should have been a warning.
You see, I need a little sweetness.

He told me he smokes cigarettes.
You see, cigarettes remind me of my father.

He told me I’m not like other girls.
As if other girls are a disease.
As if I am this magical creature.
This manic pixie dream girl with wings.
You see, there is nothing special about me.
I am me. Simple.

I told him he was a sad boy.
A boy who pretends like he’s wrapped in barbed wire
But is really a caged petting zoo animal.
A boy who will smile like he has a secret
But really has nothing to share.
You see, sad boys drink whiskey.
To me, whiskey tastes like listerine without the mint.
You see, he tasted like whiskey.
You see, he reads Bukowski.
You see, he listens to The Smiths.
You see, he drinks his coffee black every morning
And smokes a cigarette on his balcony
While reading the newspaper
And listening to a vinyl record.
You see he doesn’t love me.
He loves the idea of me.
He loves the idea of sad girl.
You see, there’s nothing romantic
About a boy who thinks romance is a Hemingway novel.
You see, I hate Hemingway.
You see, sad boys and me don’t get along.
Samantha Jun 2014
I compare my body to art to make myself feel better.
These aren’t stretch marks, they’re lightning.
These aren’t acne scars, they’re a Jackson ******* painting.

——————————————————————————————

Theres something crawling underneath my skin.
I pick at it with
Nails bitten down into nubs.

——————————————————————————————

Some days the girl
Who stares back at me in the mirror
Yells profanities and insults
And my last wall of defense comes crumbling down.

—————————————————————————————-

I’m a *****.
Cold, aloof, alone.
I keep my teeth bared.
I keep myself locked in a barbed wire cage.

——————————————————————————————

Self abuse is a tricky topic for most.
We all want to love ourselves,
To open our arms at the end of the day and
Cradle our inner children.
But the second
You open your mouth and
Let cartoon hearts fly out of your throat
You’re branded as “Narcissist”.
So instead,
We scold ourselves.
Whack rulers on our knuckles
Until the blood comes bubbling up.
We pinch and tuck and tease
And swallow bullet sized pills
And spew our lunches in the toilet bowl at school.
And we cling to this hatred
Like a baby clings to its mother.

——————————————————————————————-

I compare my body to art to make myself feel better.
All Mona Lisa smiles and pearl earrings.
An interrupted girl.
I compare my body to art because
I’m already a critic.
Samantha Jan 2014
I say “tomato”
You say “toe-mah-toe”
I say “I want to pierce my nose”
You say “don’t you dare scare that ivory skin”
I say “ I want to be a poet”
You say “but that doesn’t make much income”
I say “I am never having a baby”
You say “you’ll meet a nice man, settle down, and change your mind”
I wear this silver pentacle
Around my throat like a noose
String me up and hang me
Like my sisters from Salem
Condemn me because I don’t fit
In the box labeled “Christian” on your questionnaire
Call me a ****** for finding the beauty in another woman’s curve
Brand me a ***** just for existing
Pull at my heartstrings
Like a puppeteer
Guide my every movement
Cut out my vocal cords and replace them with yours
After all, you know best right
If I dye my hair a color that isn’t
Blonde, black, or brunette
I’ll never land a job
If I don’t quit with this feminist ****
No man will ever want me
You’re only looking out for me right
If you know so much about me
Tell me who I am
Tell me how I felt when I was thirteen
And stealing my brother’s straightedge
To carve Jack-O-Lantern faces into my upper thighs
Tell me how I felt when my mother
Grabbed my cheeks and told me
To pop my pimples
When she asked me if I ever wanted to be beautiful
As if I wasn’t already
Tell me how I felt when I sat across my sister
In a mental hospital
After she gorged herself on unknown pills
And she said
“Don’t ever die. Dying isn’t fun”
Tell me how I felt when my parents
Showered me in gifts
After I finally told them I was depressed
Like they were trying to buy back my happiness
Tell me how I felt when the boy
With the beautiful smile and cigarette stained breath
Stuck his hand into my *******
And whispered
“You know you want it”
Tell me how I felt when my body froze with fear
When early onset rigor mortis snaked through my muscles
When I clamped my knees together
And denied him access to my body
Tell me how I felt when
He pushed his blushing appendage into my mouth
After I said no
And how I felt when I kept my lips sealed
How I let him get away with it
If you are such an expert on my landscape
Pinpoint all my scars and beauty marks and moles
Locate all the intimate areas my fingertips explored
Tell me how often I shave my legs
Tell me how much pride I feel when I remember to put on deodorant in the morning
Draw a map of all my
Forests, canyons, and lakes
Prove to me you really know me
Prove that you’re really looking out for me
Prove your advice
And remember
No good deed goes unpunished
And if you still maintain that you know what's best
Look me in the eyes
And tell me who I am
Samantha May 2015
i.
how old were you when you first discovered your heartbeat? when you opened your rib cage to reveal the carnage? how old were you when the vultures circled the roadkill of your wrists? when the sun kissed fire into your eyes? when you shriveled up and died?

ii.
the epidemic got to me before you did. i peeled every layer of skin back for the mirror. there are rubies under my skin. sealed into the flesh of who i am. did you notice this when you took the meat cleaver to my skull?

iii.
when you said ‘never’ i assumed you meant in a week. instead it happened in a day. a flash of lightning. a carton of blueberries. eating dark chocolate on your back porch. you never told me you liked them bitter. you spat out the sweetness of my skin and your saliva burned a whole in the pavement. summer was always my least favorite time of year. now i can’t even stomach winter.

iv.
i forgot how to weave metaphors into tapestries to hang in museums. you have that power over me. the only beautiful thing about you is your frame. i carved it into the statue of David before you could say no. you hate the vain. thats why you hate me. i never tire of looking at what you made of me. i never tire of painting myself into depictions of the Birth of Venus. you only ever called me Venus between the sheets.

v.
if you saw me on the street, would you remember me? would you remember the fly trap curls luring you in? a weak man and a pink skinned temptress playing doctor on the bedroom floor. would you remember the gray cotton ******* you ignored? the blue bra you threw out the window? would you remember the thicket of hair? the violins singing harmonies in the background? would you? would you? would you?
Samantha May 2015
i.
this a song hell bent on ruining your life. i sing these notes in place of screams. you hear this symphony and assume its for someone else. someone with a backbone of razorblades and scorpion venom hands. but its for you. the boy splitting his nicotine lips into a leer. the boy with a tongue in the shape of a noose. the boy who scorched me to the bone.

ii.
two years older with a body the size of jupiter. i was venus. the stars burst inside of me when you shoved your hand into my orbit. this bedroom floor is a solar system galaxies away from the one you and i run in circles in. in all this confusion i wonder who is the sun.

iii.
everything was cold. december painted us white, left us with cinder block hearts. you drank coffee in the morning. your warmth circled me and I desperately wanted to turn the AC up. but it was winter. a time for decay. isnt this fitting.

iv.
you laughed. forced me to fit into a joke that carved me into an ugly thing. your hands were not meant for art. when you touched me sirens exploded.

v.
fingernails in flesh. four letters being torn from my throat and shoved into a poem. ive written about you before. you are the big bad wolf circling me, snarling at me. i am the prey, gutted like game. you ate me for dinner and threw out the leftovers.
Samantha Dec 2013
I’ve always been afraid
From the moment
They cut me out of
My poor mother’s stomach
Fear has gripped me
With sharp talons
I came into this world crying
And those tears
Have followed me through life

I have panic disorder
Or at least that’s what the internet says
I fear the day I will be forced
To write poetry
On the back of
Prescriptions
The day I start popping pills
Like candy
Just relieve the stress

I don’t want to smile
With a capsule
Between my teeth
Or let my bloodstream run toxic
But at the same time
I don’t want
My heart to drum
Like my nerves are going to war
And I don’t want to leave the house
Crying

I can practically feel the pill
At the back of my throat
I can feel myself choking
The bitterness turning sweet
As the bile
Rushes to meet my taste buds

Sometimes it feels like
I’m training for battle
Like I’m preparing myself
For bullets of Xanax
And Prozac
I don’t even know what a milligram is

I hear it can result
In memory loss
And bleeding gums
And whether or not these are
Urban legends
I don’t know

I’ve watched
Both my brother and sister
Ingest medication
To chase away the depression
I’ve watched my friends
Swallow sleeping pills
To quiet their thoughts

I wonder how can they do it?
How can they just
Open themselves up to sedation?
Allow themselves to
Let go of the familiar
Sadness and fear

Maybe it’s not that
I’m afraid of the pill
But that I’m more afraid
Of the absence of fear
The dark abyss of numbness
I’ve seen medication
Ruin lives

I don’t want to be another statistic
Another number on paper
I don’t want doctors
Going in and out of my head
As if they were old friends

I just want this
To stop
Samantha Oct 2014
I write a lot of love poems
Even though I have never been in love.

This is the irony I brush my teeth with.

I bruise easily.
This is seen and treated as a curse.
They think I am an anemic girl.
They think there is something wrong
With my inner chemistry.
They have thought that since I was six years old
And refused to read.
Now I bury myself in books
And poetry that tastes like dirt.

Winter was made for people like me.
People who feel
Personally victimized by the sun
And can’t breathe
In the still, stale heat of July
I always seem to swallow
Ice cubes the wrong way.

I love so fiercely,
So fast.
My love can ignite candles
And start brushfires.
My love can fill oceans,
Lunar craters,
And you.
I spend my love
Like a first paycheck from a first job.
I love recklessly.
I love openly.
I have not had a real boyfriend
Since the 8th grade.

I complain and complain
And complain.
I hate people who complain.

I only open my wrists metaphorically
Yet these scars
Stand at attention like
Soldiers whose minds are still at war.

I think my fingers are bleeding
But there is no way to know for sure.
I am blind
But like Oedipus I have sight.

I brush my teeth with irony
Because its the only thing that has
Ever been able to polish
Any part of me.
I brush my teeth with irony
Because without this irony
I am just another girl
Who can’t breathe without assistance.
Who can’t feel without being told what feeling feels like.
Who can write sonnets
But doesn’t know what the **** Shakespeare is talking about.

And this,
This is the irony I brush my teeth with.
Samantha May 2014
Life was already hard enough
Without you breathing down my neck.
You’re too close for comfort
And it makes me feel like I’m a bomb,
All wires and flashing lights.
You have hooked up explosives in my ribcage
And I’m ready to blow.

You feel like an anchor
Chained around my ankles.
You’re pulling me under.
No one told you I was hydrophobic.

When you embrace me
Your hands miss my waist and
Lock around my throat.

I can’t breathe with you standing at my door.
I didn’t want it to be this way
But you’ve forced your way in.
Like centipedes in the winter,
Like a butterfly tearing its way out of the cocoon.

You want this to be something beautiful
You want me to be more than a dream.
But I can’t let that happen.
I won’t let that happen.

I am thin wisps of smoke.
I am fog.
You can’t trap me in a jar.
Samantha Feb 2015
When you look me in the eyes
Loneliness unfurls inside of me
Like a scorpions tail
And stings the soft belly of my heart.
A deep pain
Spreads throughout my body,
Clutching my bones,
Taking me hostage.
I feel my heart swell.
It’s much too big for its cage.
It’s the bird screeching protests
When you try to put it back in.
The sweating begins almost immediately.
I feel like I’m melting onto the dirt road
And you,
You are laughing.
Your smile splitting your lips,
Your teeth snapping like claws,
Distracting me from your molten black eyes.
I ***** my loneliness.
It dribbles out of my mouth in red ropes.
You are already scuttling away,
Already moving onto the next threat.
As I watch your eight legs
Carry your shell of a body away
From my shell of a body
I remember why
I’ve always been afraid of scorpions.
Samantha Mar 2014
Don't date geek boys
They will compare you to movie characters
You can never live up to
Try to kiss you
With a tongue made of dust
And pick apart your poetry
Pointing out every spelling mistake

Don't date sad boys
They will call you up
Drunk at 3am on school nights
They'll tell you about other girls
And blame it on you

Don't date rich boys
They'll crawl inside your bones
Make you heavy with regret
You won't be able to forget about them
Until it is a year later
And you see him drive past you
While you walk home from school
And you realize
He hadn't made an appearance
Since the night
They buried you

Don't date boys who smoke cigarettes
Every time your father
Bites down on the filter and
Strikes a match
You will see him
And run for the hills

Don't date boys who can sing
They'll whisper your favorite songs
To you in a voice
As smooth as ice
As warm as summer
A voice made for seraphs
When you try to listen to those songs without him
There will be a snow storm
In your heart

Don't date boys with razor blades for teeth
Boys who breathe fire
Who feed on flesh
And gorge themselves on girls' bleeding hearts

Or better yet
Don't date anyone at all
Samantha Mar 2014
The world is so big
And I am so small.
A speck of dust lost in the stars.
Not good enough to be called stardust.
They build monuments for kings
So tall they battle planets.
War generals rewarded with medals and memorials.
We strive for remembrance
But the world is so big
And I am so small.
Samantha Jan 2014
They say I’m darkness
Scowl carved into marble face
Blue veins twisting in wrists
Rainy day eyes
And fingers made for pianos and cigarettes

They say I’m misery
Black clothing on pale skin
Nails filed into knives
Lip caught between teeth
Family vacations in cemeteries

He said I’m not the type of girl people look twice at
Forgettable like a forest fire
Beautiful like a dead baby bird
He was trying to be romantic

They say I’m lonely
Poor girl
Always alone
Smile and join us
We need a charity project

They say I’m pity
Brows perpetually furrowed
Lungs perpetually constricting
Sweaty palms glued to walls
They have the nerve to fee sorry for me

Someone once told me
I looked like a tornado
Ripping through the hallways at school
A natural disaster
Racking up a body count
I wonder how many people I’ve made cry

They say I’m intimidation
This noose around my neck scares them
A fashion statement
With my fangs bared and a stare that can ****
I walk

They say I’m music
The sound of high heels on pavement
A broken string on a violin
An angel that was never taught
How to play the harp
Shattered halo at its feet

They say I’m pain
Menstrual cramps squeezing the life out
Of a thirteen year old girl
Blood on underwear
Blood under fingernails
Blood running down thighs

They say I am blood
A gory mess
Scars like tattoos
Scrapped knees like badges

They say I’m darkness
A shadow
Engulfing the world
They need me
To appreciate the light
Samantha Apr 2015
Lip locking over the fishhooks in our cheeks.
I would have bled for you
Even if you never asked me to.
You love feels less like torture
And more like a special type of ****,
A type that transcends a fleeting ****** high.
You keep me high.

We are poisoned harpoon heads
Biting into each other’s flesh.
We are swords clashing in battle.
We are refracting magnets,
Opposing armies holding atomic bombs
On our tongues.

My ribcage is Hiroshima.
Your hands are Nagasaki.
When we come together we make Chernobyl.
Your radiation setting my broken bones.

I just can’t get enough of your
Post apocalyptic voice singing funeral songs
Over the snapping of embers.
Your teeth clacking together like wind chimes
Reminds of the steady pop-pop-pop of machine guns.
Your eyes are the barrels of snipers.

We love in red and black,
Black and blue.
We love in cracking knuckles.
Scars like constellations telling lost stories in the sky,

You reminded me of a vampire
With the way you licked the blood from my lips.
You told me I was the sweetest thing
You’ve ever tasted.
A raspberry in a basket of blackberries.
We just can’t shake this red and black haze.

Remember when you tore my vocal cords
Out of my throat with your teeth?
Remember when I screamed horror movie
‘I love you”s into your mouth?
Remember how it echoed until you swallowed it
Along with my bleeding heart?

You left me ****** and broken,
Do you remember?
Do you remember your baseball bat arms
Breaking my ribcage?
Committing the burglary?
Do you remember the lacerations?
The scabs blooming in the shape of chrysanthemums?

Our love is a car crash.
Crazy and messy and deadly and sad.
But we just can’t look away,
Just can’t walk away.
Our love put me in the hospital
And I’m happy to pay the bills
Samantha Mar 2015
It’s the gutted smile
You threw down on the table
The day the love of your life found
The love of their life.

It’s the anxiety
snaking through you in public spaces.
Strangers’ eyes carving you clean.

It’s the leather jacket
You bought when you were 15
And refuse to take off even in the summer.

It’s his calloused and grease stained hands
Exploring the winding hills
Of your new body.
Scenes from ****** play in your head
As he tells you
You taste like strawberries.

It’s the scorpion sting you iced with snow.

It’s a deep churning in your stomach.
They kind that only appears
When you forget to take your medicine
And you didn’t notice until about 5 minutes ago.

It’s the Atlantic City skyline
Blazing a depressing neon
Over the rest of South Jersey.

It’s trying to write poems out of license plates
And getting into an accident
When you can’t find a rhyme scheme.

It’s scabbed knuckles and
Bodies outlined in scars
Colliding in a ****** big bang.
An entire world unraveling like a red carpet.
We are silver studded starlets
Sinking our heels into the softness.
We are gods.
We were made for this.
Samantha Feb 2015
I found him rummaging through
My ribcage at three in the morning.
When I asked him
What he was doing
His hands melted into red.

Later,
I found him again.
This time I watched like a vulture
Perched on the cliffside.
His fingers tickled
As he combed through the carnage.
The strings of gore
That protected this vessel.
His fingers curled over the piece of coal
Holding the place of my heart
And he pressed it into a diamond.

He left with a whisper
Pressed to his lips
Like a sweet summer kiss.

Only hours passed before he came back.
This time my heart was a bomb.
Colored wires tangled with my heartstrings.
It was hard to tell which
Belonged to me.

It took only 14 hours
For me to explode.
The steady ticking should’ve warned me
But I was too wrapped up in him,
Too focused on the red warning light of his eyes,
Too busy humming funeral songs
Over the noise
Vibrating through my chest.

It was like fireworks going off during daylight,
Like stuffing confetti into a taxidermy lamb,
Like pressing the detonate button
Before the building has been evacuated.

This time,
When he left,
He took his fingerprints with him.
Samantha Oct 2014
I am a girl cut out of marble.

He is a boy made of copper.

I am a girl so starved
I gorge on air.

He is a boy with a belly full of
Unlucky pennies.

I am a girl with a mouth full of hornets.
They sting my gums.
I talk around the swelling.

He is a boy with wooden legs.
I wonder how he doesn't splinter.
How he doesn't burn.

I am forged from fire.
My lungs blacken and
My skirt billows like the smoke
Coughing out of a chimney.

He ripples like water.
He is always moving.
He walks like ocean waves
And I am pulled into his tide.

He is the boy on the moon
Throwing his fishing line into the sea of stars.
Somehow he catches me.
A black hole amongst galaxies.
There is no way this can end well.

I am a black hole.
I swallow.
I take.
I never give back.
I hope this won't be a problem for the boy on the moon.

He is a ghost of kiss
Still pressed to my neck.
A reminder of what was.
Of what could be.

I am a phantom
Wallowing in this mortal plane.
I am a black shadow.
The thing you see out of the corner of your eye.

He is a boy with a tongue so sharp
It could be used as a sword.
I'd follow him into battle.

I am a girl with a wild mane
And a tamed heart.
Looks can be deceiving.

He is a boy with teeth made of honey.
How did he get so lucky?

I am a girl whose most prized possession
Is a scuffed pair of boots.

He is a boy who is more metallic than sweet.

I am a girl who was not made to be touched.

He is a boy.
I am a girl.
Sometimes we intersect.
Samantha Nov 2014
Open my ribs like French doors.
Play my heartstrings like a cello.
Let the music travel up my throat.
My body is a symphony
And you are the conductor.

My back is a blank canvas.
The lashes from your whip paints
A sickly picture.
Liquid fragments of myself
Melt down to my thighs.

I am a lavender scented candle.
You are the ever burning flame.
You ignite my bones.
Send heat down my spine.
Reduce me to a burnt nothing,
A clump of purple wax.

Blue veins criss cross in pale wrists.
Translucent skin shining
Like diamonds in August skies.
You are a child born from summer.
A peach plucked before harvest.

We don’t know how to love
Without brandishing our swords.
Scarlet drips from the sharpened point.
You are the ruby encrusted in the hilt.
I am the silver blade.

We run through no man’s land
Into each other’s arms.
Leaping over minefields and barbed wires.
If we should have a daughter
We’ll teach her to love like war.

All I know is
Teeth pressed anxiously into bottom lip.
All you know is
Goodbye kisses
Presented as reminders and post it notes.

We are an eclipse.
We are the solar system.
Samantha Mar 2014
A post apocalyptic tongue
Weighing heavy and dormant in your mouth
As you hitchhike south,
Stopping only to say hello to the
Forget-me-nots
On the side of the road.
Your lips are chapped, dry.
One bite away from blood.
Your blonde hair snarls and snaps
Around your finger.
A Venus fly trap.
You are Venus.
A beautiful weapon of mass destruction.
You can start wars
With a face like that.
You spread your legs for
Boys who smell of wine.
You spread your legs for
Men with wallets fatter than their bellies.
You spread your legs for
Yourself because it feels good.
They brand you a sinner.
Construct a neon sign and
Point it at you.
You forget
Girls don’t do that.
And girls don’t drink
And girls don’t smoke
And girls don’t curse or kick or fight
Or hitchhike south
Or embrace their beauty
Or say hello to the forget-me-nots
On the side of the road
Or stumble home,
Wherever home is,
Drunk and reeking of
Cigarettes and ***** with
Last night’s lover still in their hair.
But you are not a girl.
You are Venus
And you are dangerous.
A bouquet of cries for help.
You sit in diners
With strangers and speak loudly of
Of rashes and scars.
You sit in ivory towers,
Knitting dresses and scratching
At the stone.
You stand on the sidelines
And snap your gum.
They tell you you can’t.
Your voice stings their eardrums.
Your voice is a thunderstorm.
You are a thunderstorm.
You are hitchhiking south with a
Hand full of forget-me-nots and
Blood rolling down your chin.
You are not a girl.
You are Venus.
Samantha Apr 2015
She is blue raspberry slushee tongue
Meets feminist rant.

She is Moon Pie wrapper personified.
She is purple lipstick stains on wine glasses
Filled to the brim with cranberry juice.
She is three cats, one bed.

She is a scratch in your favorite record during your favorite song.
She is bubblegum bubble pop,
She is the definition of hypochondriac.

Curiosity didn’t **** her,
She killed curiosity.

She is dry heaving into the toilet bowl,
Claw marks on the inside of her stomach.
She is naproxen sodium
Swirling down throat,
Gagging up bullet sized pills.

She is the other side of unrequited.

She is no ones favorite poem.
She is her own favorite poem.

She is perpetual headache.
She is screaming for justice.
She is the jersey devil episode of the X-Files,
In other words,
She is a hot mess.

She is nature walks cut short due to laziness.
She is laziness.
She is lay in bed all day,
Drown in the sheets.
She is too many books, not enough time.

She is funeral song at a wedding.
She is dethorned rose, declawed cat.
She is waking the dead.

She is a renaissance painting come to life.
Botticelli would cry if he saw her,
His Venus,
Splashing in the water.

She is Jezebel mourning Ahab.
She is Jezebel being eaten alive.

She is ankle deep dimple.
She is never could quite get the words out.
She is lip bite, blood drip.
She is covered in bruises and she likes it.

She is listerine flavored whiskey,
She is a shot glass of formaldehyde.

She is an oak tree,
Thats what her sister tells her.

She is the x on the back of an 18 year olds hand.
She is conspiracy theory.
She is playing possum.

She is change the subject.
She is cry when being yelled at,
Cry when no one is looking,
Cry when everyone is looking,
Cry because theres nothing else to do.

She is leather jacket in july.
She is crop top and mini skirt.
She is lullaby.
She is dancing to the Law and Order theme song.
She is 8,000 tweets.

She is see how long she can go without talking.
She is goes so long without talking
That now she can’t talk.
She is novocaine needle pock mark.

She is her own mythology,
Her own god.
She is fire breathing dragon.
She is knocking on god’s door
Until blood erupts from her knuckles.
She is asking why.
She is Persephone feasting on pomegranate seeds.

She is two siblings in the hospital.
She is “call if you don’t feel right”.
She is disassociative personality disorder,
At least thats what she’s convinced she is.

She is anxious laughter,
Anxious smile.
She is sewing her lips shut.

She is only 11 Instagram likes.
She is learning to love herself with the lights on.
She is sleep to much,
Sleep too little.
She is curl on cheekbone.
She is protruding rib bone.
She is hip bones cutting glass.

She is Lilith saying no.
She is leading the serpent to the garden.

She is vegetarian on moral grounds.
She is not telling her doctor she is a vegetarian
Because what if its bad for her?

She is fate and destiny making out under the bleachers.
She is making nooses out of ****** strings.
She is choke on your own saliva.
She is burnt tongue tip.
She is puking in the parking lot of her dentist’s office.
She is a 1997 themed mixtape.

She is a stanza curving like a lovers back.
She is chapped lips.
She is brick through the window.
She is suffocating on suburban ideals.

She is Anne Sextons ***** bottle.
She is Maya Angelou’s silence.
She is Lucien Carr’s ****** knife.
She is Sylvia Plath’s last manuscript before
She stuck her head in the oven.

She is three am,
Get out of bed.
She is snow in september.

She is poetry.
She is poet.
She is music in fingertips,
Songs molded from simile.
She is metaphor flavored kisses
And a witchcraft tongue.

She is a girl crafted of stories.
A collection of make believe.
She is breathing passion.
She is daughter of nothing,
Lover of everything.
She is afraid of scorpions.
She is the venom.

She is a violin heart screeching out its last note.
Samantha Mar 2014
When you're 15
With a spotted face of acne
And a wild mane of curly hair
And boy who is two years older
And can drive
Tells you you are beautiful
You will let him touch you

When you're 15
And his fingers curl up your sides
Like spiders
You'll want to *****
But you will swallow the toxic insides
Of your stomach
And smile
He thinks you're beautiful

When you're 15
And its a week later
And you feel like something
Is dying inside of you
You won't tell anybody
This secret will die
With the thing inside of you
Remember, he thought you were beautiful

When you're 15
Your friends will invite you to a party
Where you'll take up cigarettes
You'll bite down on your tongue
And lock yourself in the bathroom
When they mention
The boy who thought you were beautiful

When you're 16
And you finally forget about
The boy who thought you were beautiful
A new boy will come along
He will think you're special

When you're 16
You will go to your first Homecoming dance
You will feel like you are
Drowning in your dress
Like you are choking on your perfume
And everyone's breath
But he will look at you
Like you are special

When you're 16
And he tells you
He likes you because no one notices
You are there
No one looks twice at you
You will realize
He never really thought you were special

When you're 16
And it's been over a year since
The boy who thought you were beautiful
Talked about you
Like you were meat
And two months
Since the boy who thought you were special
Has spoken to you
You will crush your cigarettes under your boot
Smash Mike's Hard Lemonade bottles
On the edges of the kitchen table
Open your wrists for the first time
In four years
Wake up in the morning
Covered in cat hair and pen marks

When you're 17
You will write a poem
A poem you'll only let strangers read
Samantha Mar 2014
Bushy eyebrows arch over
Blue-gray eyes.
They fill with tears.
Bushy brown hair
Sticking out in every direction.
Each strand smells of smoke.
Pale skin riddled with red spots of acne.
A few beauty marks breakthrough,
But not enough to make her beautiful.
She loves the irony in that.
Pale, white scars
Lie hidden on her thighs.
You can only see them when it is summer
And the sun is only shining on her.

She's a master of disguise.
She knows how to be invisible,
How to disappear.
A Houdini in the making.

Her arms are full of books
And pens
And poems
And apologies scrawled out on her wrists
In sloppy handwriting.
She holds her bottom lip
Between her teeth.
Hopes no one can see the bloodstains.

Sometimes she smiles.
Sometimes she walks the dog
Until the heat becomes too much and
She vomits on the sidewalk.
Sometimes she listens to old records in
Her attic while the cat
Claws at the door.
Sometimes she forgets to eat.
Sometimes she just is.

She has a lisp.
People lie and tell her they can't hear it.
She knows.
She used to wear bracelets
But they felt like handcuffs.
She used to wear necklaces
But they felt like nooses.
People love her,
But not in the way she wants to be loved.

She lets grenades explode on her tongue.
She swallows spit like liquor.
Her heart drums too loudly for her liking.
She bites her nails.
They tell her to stop.

She thinks about war.
About bullets falling like rain.
People dropping like flies.
She thinks about bloodshed.
Her heart breaks again.
She is fine china.

Her teeth fall out.
Her hands shake.
She doesn't know how to be okay.
She needs to be reminded
She is real.
Breathing is too hard for her.
The skin on her palms crack.
She doesn't even care.

One time they left her alone.
For two days.
She went insane.
She rocked herself back and forth
On the sun porch.
A locked oven.
She didn't wash her hair.
Didn't sleep.
She took the bus to work
And watched a man lick the window.
She was sick.

She went home.
Slept for 14 hours straight.

He touched her.
She thawed her frozen shield
And he touched her.
She didn't know it at the time.
She kept quiet.
Only talks about on paper.
She saw him the other day,
Felt the acid of his saliva burn holes in her skin.
She couldn't look away.
Her eyes rolled back in her head again.

They say she's dark.
She has stopped being a girl.
Started being a force of nature.
A tornado.
A thunderstorm.
An earthquake.
A volcano bleeding fire.
She is broken,
Held together by tape.
She is tired.
Tired of pretending.
Tired of being nice.
Tired of the silence that fills her skull like a bullets.

She found a spider the other day
And couldn't find the strength
To **** it.
Samantha Apr 2015
I wish you bent spoons.
I wish you 3 a.m vibrating headaches.
I wish you salty fish eyes wedged between toes.
I wish you one broken ear bud,
A late bus,
Perpetual goosebumps rolling over skin.

I wish you holes in your favorite shirt.
I wish you bitten tongue.
I wish you panic attack,
Burnt toast,
Hot water scald.

I wish you nothing but bad poems.
I wish you crooked teeth, cracked smile.
I wish you spider legs.
I wish you broken *******.
I wish you scratches in all your records,
Even the ones you don’t like.

I wish you weak coffee
And weak bones.
I wish you lipstick stain on the collar of your work shirt
And her perfume starting a windstorm.
I wish you hell like fury
From a woman scorned.

I wish you mismatched shoes.
I wish you gutted grief.
I wish you clumps of wax when you
Desperately need a candle.
I wish you undercooked meat.

I wish you bedroom floors and popcorn bowls.
I wish you see my face
Every time you run your ***** hands
Down her clean body.
I wish you choke on that feeling at the back of your throat,
The one that reminds you of guilt.
I wish your fingerprints would melt from my memory.

I wish December to finally end.
Samantha Feb 2014
They pulled me out of the wreckage
My tattered frame
Indistinguishable amongst the
Broken car parts
My mangled body bruised
Bones bent in half
The scent of blood mixed with
The scent of fire mixed with
The scent of rubber
I wore it like perfume
They pulled me out of the wreckage
Like they pulled me out of the womb
Samantha May 2014
Sometimes when I write
I feel like I’m speeding through a tunnel.
The air slicks back my hair
And the wind makes my eyes water
And for once these aren’t sad tears.
When I unzip myself
And step out onto the page
I feel eternal.

Sometimes when I write
My mind feels like a ball of yarn all tangled.
I can’t make out the words
But I know the right ones are there.

Suddenly the words are gone.
They’ve dried up on my tongue.
I can still taste the decay.
They jumped off the train before they
Passed through my fingertips.

My best friend is a writer too.
She reads lines of her poems to me
And I feel deflated.
Not even my words want to stay with me.
You
Samantha Mar 2014
You
Rubber** marks on my back and
Salt bleeding through my teeth.
Craters in my skin from your
Tongue scorching my flesh. I
Clench my knees together. I'm
Grasping for your hand in the dark. You are
Angrywith me for spilling
Ink all over the leather seats in your car. You don't think I'm
Sane. My lips are
Blueand my
Smile is a myth. I've never
Felt so
Tired. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
Done.
Samantha Dec 2013
You are a skyscraper
And I am it's shadow
You are a fire
And I am it's smoke
You are a kiss
And I am the pain that follows

— The End —