I’ve always been afraid
From the moment
They cut me out of
My poor mother’s stomach
Fear has gripped me
With sharp talons
I came into this world crying
And those tears
Have followed me through life

I have panic disorder
Or at least that’s what the internet says
I fear the day I will be forced
To write poetry
On the back of
Prescriptions
The day I start popping pills
Like candy
Just relieve the stress

I don’t want to smile
With a capsule
Between my teeth
Or let my bloodstream run toxic
But at the same time
I don’t want
My heart to drum
Like my nerves are going to war
And I don’t want to leave the house
Crying

I can practically feel the pill
At the back of my throat
I can feel myself choking
The bitterness turning sweet
As the bile
Rushes to meet my taste buds

Sometimes it feels like
I’m training for battle
Like I’m preparing myself
For bullets of Xanax
And Prozac
I don’t even know what a milligram is

I hear it can result
In memory loss
And bleeding gums
And whether or not these are
Urban legends
I don’t know

I’ve watched
Both my brother and sister
Ingest medication
To chase away the depression
I’ve watched my friends
Swallow sleeping pills
To quiet their thoughts

I wonder how can they do it?
How can they just
Open themselves up to sedation?
Allow themselves to
Let go of the familiar
Sadness and fear

Maybe it’s not that
I’m afraid of the pill
But that I’m more afraid
Of the absence of fear
The dark abyss of numbness
I’ve seen medication
Ruin lives

I don’t want to be another statistic
Another number on paper
I don’t want doctors
Going in and out of my head
As if they were old friends

I just want this
To stop