I can't sleep
With the flashbacks
Playing itself in my mind

Hearing every tease
Every insult
Every threat
That was said to me

Seeing the times when
I felt horrible
Alone
Useless
And hurt

They play themselves
Again and again
Until the tears would stream
Down my cheek
Rolling over
Eventually falling asleep

I feel it in my bones,
it's a growing feeling.
Aching like never before,
and my wounds ain't healing.

I've seen life come,
and I've seen it go.
I've felt hopeless,
but never like this before.

Sometimes I think so hard,
I scare myself at times.
What is coming after this?
What is the punishment for my crimes.

Life is so fragile,
I don't want to grow old.
I can't be alone,
but my heart is so cold.

Shadow
Where I've been hiding
All my life

                   *Shadow
All things dark and nasty
Kept away inside

                                             Shadow
A past that clings on
Refusing to let go

                                                               Shadow
The fragment of the self;
A vague, immaterial copy

                                                                                Shadow
A silent companion
Always by your side

                                                                                                  *Shadow...

When my heart beats
aggravated and aggressively
through my chest and clinks
my muscles, my blood flushes
my flesh and fools my mind
into thinking it is more than man.
When the words will not walk the plank
it isn't due to being dope or blank
perhaps it is my agitated state,
Flushed with flustered feelings
flooding forward and festering in the fetal position
inside my cells, banging the brains out of each membrane.
The last of my nerves being burned by a blessing
in disguise, as they often come,
When I bite my tongue.

I feel much better today.
Today,
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel alone.
I don't feel the emptiness in my soul.
Today I feel fixed.
It can't be!
Can it?
What does it feel like to be fixed?
Then this question popped into my head.
Do I want to be fixed?
Of course I do!
It's a ridiculous question.
I try repeating that over and over in my head but,
I don't manage to convince myself.

Some days,
I feel sadder or more depressed than usual.
Some days,
I'm suicidal again.
I try not to be but,
I can't help it.
Some days,
I'm just more lonely than others.
Some days I think about my lack of friends and how I have been stabbed in the back by so many.
On those days,
I cry.
I cry silently and secretly.
I cry throughout the day.
Some days,
I cry in school when I see you looking so happy with your new friends.
The ones you left me for.
You left me wounded.
You left me to die.
You never looked back.

We're locked in a race
And the only way to get out
Is by
Winning.

It's silent.
Stealthy.
Unspoken.
Secret.

There aren't rules
Or guidelines
Or officials.

The way it works
Is
Whoever kills themselves first
Wins.

I'm having one of those days
Where my thoughts go South
And breathing gets tough
And icicles stick to my
Vocal chords
And the snow is so thick
That my blood striped hand
In front of my face
Disappears.
And eventually
After a while
I need a map
To find my way back
North.
But I'm so far South
That my fingers are too frigid
To make a snowman.
And my mind's too numb
To think South anymore.