self sabotage is easy
when you don’t believe
you deserve the world.
when you don’t believe
someone could
ever
love you.

that it’s easier to
lose than to love.
so my brain screams
Lose
Lose
Lose
Lose
and my heart attempts to flee my being.

beat away from the hurt
abandonment
selfishness
lust
hunger
loss
despair
the emptiness.

how could you ever love
me

how am I supposed to tell you
that
it was for the physical experience
but he sounded like you when
I kept my eyes closed.

how could I explain
my need for
attention, to be desired, to be loved
without losing you.

sometimes I am weak.
sometimes
I am impulsive
although I try my hardest not to be so.
sometimes my brain caves in and I cannot find myself anymore,
not a self I'm proud to be connected to.
touch has been my escape
for so long...
and then there was

You.

how could I ever tell you that
most nights and days
we have conversations in bed.
eyes closed,
your weight fills the empty space next to me.
your breath
cancels the thick silence and
your voice
kisses my neck and thighs;
tickles my dreams into existence.

my stomach sinks
before my eyelids stretch open
where have you gone?
where is your place but with me?

my drowsy amnesia begins to ebb
and I remember
you were never really here.
salt water begins it’s journey from my eyes
to my pillowcase.

I will do this all again each day,
just to feel your ghost.