and she doesn't look anything like you

and shes's warmer than she is angry and she looks at me with these eyes

and they aren't yours
so i should be happy
that's what everyone keeps saying
"i'm so happy you've moved on, you deserve someone who is good for you"

i know you're no good for me and i ******* love it
and i love you
i love the way you smell and the way you feel pressed up against my chest when we're together because when we're good we are so ******* good the world stops to smile at us

and i know i'm not good to you like i could be (should be)
but i'm trying

and i want so badly to be consumed by you
so what if you're ******* someone else
i'm still the one you love

I don't tell other people's secrets
I have too many of my own that I'm still hoping you might forget soon

I am dangerous like falling in love with your best friend
and maybe because I am so casually comfortable with the idea of never letting you all the way in

I am the reason self-help books were created

I have "disaster" too literally tattooed on every inch of my skin

"you could be my therapist, but no. I'm not telling a stranger **** about me."
and go figure, but I have never been more interested in all the things you are not willing to say

because this porcelain smile of yours seems close to cracking
and I have more experience with that than you might believe

yesterday my PO showed up at my front door and my dad let her in
she ******* at me for skipping two months worth of tests
and for telling my best friend I'd get clean if she'd lie and say she loved me back

the next time i go to court i'm facing 5 to 7
with guidelines like that
the chances of me ever getting to meet my daughter are slim if
not nothing

my ex and i haven't spoken in weeks but i know she's getting high again
and i know she's still pretending like we were in love once

tell me about the first time you ever did blow
******
the first time you took whiskey in shots in a hotel room before swallowing xanax like tic tacs

TELL ME ABOUT THE FIRST BABY YOU LOST
tell me about the way you were going to get married in a week and you were hire someone vegan to cater even though i ******* hate the way tofu feels

tell me about the second baby you lost
tell me about how you named both of them after my daughter even though you never got to see their eyes

tell me about the boy you cheated on me with
the girl you let choke back ***** in my living room

tell me about how you kept coming to see me the last time i was locked up until suddenly it wasn't worth it anymore

i taste like sunshine with dirt in my veins and i know because you've written a hundred poems telling me so

I am the reason you will live forever

I know I’m not over her

by the way my breath catches when I see her name
I wonder if she still thinks about me

God, it’s killing me
having to look at her pretend to love everyone but me

I know I’m not over her

because after we ******
a year and a half after she left me
I remember reaching for her at two in the morning

I can still taste her on my lips
hear her moaning my name

****
of all the noise she made that night
it was by far the sexiest thing I had ever heard

I know I’m not over her

when every kiss plays on repeat in the back of my head
and I wake up most morning wishing she were here

and the way she said she loved me..
I know I’m not over her

but I still tell her I am

something like children
stripped bare of innocence
i never got a say in what would happen to me
couldn't teach myself to speak fast enough
what does it matter
no never meant anything to you anyway

i'm so used to the withdrawals
they almost taste as sweet as the initial fall

i'm so sick from getting high
or maybe it's because i keep saying i'll get sober

i always taste like rust and blood
because i can never stop biting my lips
or maybe i just forgot myself out in the rain again

i can never stop picking at the skin around my fingernails
how long have i been trying to claw myself out of this body

i'm so into you

and the way you kiss me
with your hands at my throat

i want to make you feel

i'm not really sure anymore

because i want to make you feel safe

but i know
there's just something about feeling dangerous

you can't seem to get enough of

I realized tonight that I don't love you
and the tattoo of you wrapped around my shoulders hasn't comforted me in ages

but memories are as deadly..

do you remember the night I fell asleep clutching a bottle of xanax and adderall
a concoction from hell
blackout and ****** that I can't trust either of us alone anymore
that's the first time you call me "******" to my face

and wasn't it a surprise that everything only got worse after that

remember when you'd hold me when I was terrified of waking up
and you'd sing so sweetly to sooth the rush of poison in my veins

remember when the blood trail behind the needle was ****
and making love is how we'd describe the way we ****** with our clothes on and the lights out

yeah, me neither

remember the first time we got physical
and it wasn't **** at all

YEAH, ME NEITHER
maybe because it happens all the time now

remember when waking up wasn't the scary part anymore?
because we were more worried about whether we were falling asleep
or just dying this time

you can count me out of that one, too!!
because I have been so ready to close my eyes for so long since you

remember the first time you didn't mean it when you said "i love you"
I wanna be certain we're thinking of the same instance
that I wasn't just months late to the punchline
of this ****** up joke we've been playing on each other ever since we decided to stop sleeping in the same bed

I swear to the only god that'll ever save me
whoever she is
I'll go back to the misery of meeting every morning like a battle field if it means I don't ever have to think of you again

but I remember everything you ever said
every time you held your head back while I traced your pale skin for a good place to inject our sins
I remember exactly what you tasted like the first time we kissed
after begging for all the percocet I had left

remember the way that I loved you..
and how dangerous it'd be
if I still did

my body aches
i miss my dead mom and my dope man just called so i bet you know what that means

i sleep on a mattress on the floor and my ex girlfriend used to think it was sweet
or romantic
or she just liked me so much she thought everything i did was cute

until i started falling out in public bathrooms
because then she just left me on the floor to die

i guess if i loved sleeping on the ******* floor so much i ought to just ******* stay there
right?

i'm sure you're sick of cracking ribs and kissing air into a hollow chest anyway

she use to think needles were **** and her lips always tasted like she had had a few too many

of what? i never quite figured it out

but i can still feel her skin under my fingertips
and my pillowcase still smells like you and this bed is too big for just one person and i want so badly to beg you to come back

when I mixed dirt and blood and water in my veins like a chemistry project
I had intended to come home to you
I didn't mean to end up ******* air through a hollow chest or for my dad to see me broken
I spent five months in jail for not asking for help
instead just plunging needles into the soft spot in the crook of my elbow
and isn't that ironic?
that we don't try to save people that are hurting
and that when I came home you still asked how I was but didn't say that you love me
and maybe that's why I wanted to die

I wonder if we kissed..
would you still taste like menthol cigarettes
and cheap beer
and cheetos

****
would you still taste like me..

god I wish I knew
so I could stop torturing myself
wondering if you still taste like your promises

like “forever”
“run away with me”
“I love you”

I love you..
I love you
I love you
I love you

and no one else
I don’t know how to taste like anything but you

please
I just want to kiss you

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I’m afraid that I only want you the way everyone else does
even though I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

disaster

i'm like comparing honey suckles to rose thorns

both of my arms ******* ache
in more ways than just longing for another needle

my house is cluttered with your ghosts

whispers telling me you're still coming home

you used to tell me you loved the way my voice sounded when i read my poetry to you
and now i don't ever feel like writing

except i saw you two days ago
and you said i tasted sweet and you kissed me like we were still getting married tomorrow

and i've wanted to die ever since

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

i made love to you with the lights on and called it a poem

every line was just the way i touched you like you meant something to me
fingertips tracing patterns between your freckles raised by the tiny hills of your cheekbones

how many different ways can i relate you to a flower blooming?
your legs stretching open at the touch of my lips

you can't imagine the way brown eyes look in the light if you haven't seen them for yourself

my ex girlfriend loves make up
loves it the way she says i love needles in my veins
but this song isn't about that
not this time
it's about how many youtube channels she followed on my account
and that's one
and how i go online to read the **** she wrote about me when i thought we were still in love
and i play our soundtrack over and over
the way she asked to listen to led zeppelin in bed together
back when the powder wasn't nearly as scary
and she asks me how i'm so confident wearing war stories on my ******* sleeves
because all her burn scars she hides under all that make up
and i use to tell her how kissing her tasted like waking up safe for the first time in decades
and that's all i have
and how i labeled her as "home"
and left all my flaws and all my faults
buried under paperwork in one of her drawers
where i figured i'd never see them again
but my ex girlfriend loves make up
and when she removed it
well i'll be ****** if i'm ever going back

seventy days felt like it could drag on for an eternity
felt like a thousand tiny almosts piled higher than the naked eye can see
felt..impossible

when I wrote about clean time I talked in measures of a few hours

it's been six hours since I held a needle to my wrist
a metaphoric gun to my head

it's been six hours since i felt the empty inside of me vanish

it's been fifteen hours since i woke up dope sick
I sweat through my sheets twice before I get tired of changing them

it's been twenty-four hours since the last time I got high so
I'm clean

Just For Today

Some nights it feels like my heart will beat its way out of my chest
Not in a beautiful way, just like ripping cobwebs from the corner of my bedroom, trying to make space for something better
maybe something beautiful

Some nights I do not believe I need this heart at all
It is just a fragile ****** thing, like you
maybe like me
and maybe I'd be better rid of it

Some nights I sit and count the times my jaw clenches while I trace bone pressed against your soft skin
I'm trying to listen to the way your heart is comfortable in her gentle rhythm
but I get distracted wondering if she is as lovely as you and that's why you let her stay

Some nights you reach for me, and it is everything I am not to rattle you awake, wrap you in these frail arms, and press you so tightly to me that this fragile ****** heart has no where else to go
left beating down cobwebs from the corners and crawling into my throat trying to scream, trying to be heard, trying to love you

the first time you kissed me
I could've fallen out of the chair I sat in
begging to feel the weight of you against me

you kept your distance

the only things that touched
were our lips
and your hair curled over my cheek

the first time you asked me
"what are we? what is it we're doing? and what do you want?"
I swore that the idea of you falling asleep on someone else's chest didn't steal all of the sanity from my brain
that I could imagine the rest of my life only existing when you needed me

it's funny how much I didn't mean it, but that's exactly where we are now

the only things that touched
were my lips to the phone receiver
I can't remember exactly how many times you didn't answer

the first time you asked me to marry you
the first time I asked you to run away with me
the first time we fought with our fists and then

the only things that touched
were your lips together
when you packed up all of the things you could reach

and still keep your distance

It's my bad habits
That drive you insane

The way I sleep more than I eat
And that isn't much

The way I always taste like coke
And I've got smoke in my lungs

I know you only want me
When the lights are off

I am too critical about the smallest things
it’s not hard to set my blood to boil
but I’m a short burst before I’ve forgotten where the anger came from

My girlfriend is the most gentle human I have ever met
she never wants to agree on little things, like how to spend the afternoon because she always wants to do something better (together) she loves quality time that includes physical affection and I’m probably The most hands off lover she could have picked
But I’m tryin to get better about it for her

She’s all early mornings and Extravagant dates
She and I are total opposites in more than one way

But she is the most incredible person I have ever known and I wouldn’t change a **** thing about her if I could

I am a liar
I am a liar for saying I do not love her

but I’d rather be a liar than admit that I am pathetic

I’d rather keep it to myself
how my heart sinks when I see you kiss him
the way you use to kiss me..

I don’t want anyone to know how much it kills me that you do not love me

you never loved me and that is okay
but I wish you hadn’t been such a liar

and I wish that I had never given you everything I had
because I am empty now

I am empty and my heart doesn’t beat how it use to
and most nights it’s hard to breathe

without you
I don’t feel like living

and I hope one day that will change
and I won’t need you anymore

but today I am still praying you will come crawling back to me
so that I can do what I need to

I love you
but you are toxic
and I am sick of drinking poison

and there's something comforting about a straw for a best friend
and at least now i'm using razor blades to cut something other than my skin

I’ve held a loaded gun to my head

the only reason I didn’t pull that ******* trigger is
I never want my mother to have to see me like that..

sprawled out on the bathroom floor
tiles that use to hurt my head they were so white..
stained red from all the blood

and the scariest part is

not a day has gone by that I don’t regret my choice
because
no matter how good I feel
I always end up wishing I were dead

but I wasn’t brave enough to swallow back the guilt
threw it back up with every overdose

I spent years trying to cut out all the hurt
let it spill from my veins
my wrists will never be empty of scars again

I tied a rope around my neck
thinking I could go quick enough that no one would have to hear my screaming

it left me with burns around my throat
choking back every “I’m dying”
“somebody, help me”

I have held a loaded gun to my head
but I am so scared

I am so scared of losing you that I can’t even **** myself

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i'm not in love
your eyes don't sparkle for me and i haven't seen you smile in months
my heart doesn't race after you like at use to
but my stomach turns when i see your face
i find myself swallowing back sobs and words i wish i could say

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i don't think i'm in love
i've spent more nights alone in my head
dreaming of kissing you
but my eyes are still open
i haven't slept in weeks
i toss with the image of your body against mine
and i stopped holding back the tears

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
maybe i'm still in love

you say “I love you” and swear you mean it

but you don’t
how could you?

when you can’t even love yourself

the music is too loud and i don't like the way it feels without it on

nothing asks to move
no one needs my permission

nothing feels real

IS JUST DEPRESSING WHEN YOU CAN'T EVER GET ANYONE TO SHUT UP WHEN NO ONE IS TALKING AND YOU DON'T LEAVE BED BECAUSE AT LEAST THESE GHOSTS ARE FAMILIAR

I'M SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE I'M DEAD

my dad laughs as he swears I learned whole sonnets in the way my mother spoke before I ever let a single word drip from off my tongue

knew all about her kind of crazy before I ever knew exactly what that would mean for us

the days she wouldn’t leave her bed
except to crawl desperately to cool tile

hold her own hair back and wonder again when it would all be worth it

the last time I saw her alive she wasn’t a quarter of the person she used to be

and I’d sit up for days wondering again what I had to do to make it worth it

watching her rot away inside of her own skin

my sister thinks I’m heartless
that I can throw away all of the pieces parts she left behind

but I cannot bare to choke on these words any longer

I hate the way I sound so much like her
staring at a ghost every time I look in the mirror

I am haunted by all the things I did not do for her

all the ways I let her down and left her to die alone

and I sit here for hours and wonder again when the pain will be worth it

all of my friends hate me
well so I guess I wouldn’t really call them friends, huh?

and it’s fine
I think my wife hates me, too

that one caught me by surprise..

I guess I stopped checking for razor blades and forgot how tragic needles could get

I wish I could **** myself without feeling so guilty I puke

I wish my ex would die and my ex best friend stopped looking so ******* happy

I wish I didn’t hurt you and I wish my mom didn’t die and I wish I hadn’t hurt her either

wow I love you and this is so ****** up

I wish I didn’t believe you wanted me gone too..

throw a ******* pity party I guess
I only get to once a year

you still make appearances in my dreams
but only to taunt me with the parts of you I can never have
and I wake up tasting blood on my lips instead of you
and my chest feels tight
and ****
do I need you

And you don't talk to me like you used to
I wonder if you still write about the boy who ***** you
and do you think that gives Him power or
You?

and you've settled somewhere you feel like you belong
but half of my bed is still in the shape of you so really
what I meant

was when are you coming home
because nothing feels like home when you're gone

how do I say this

1. I wish I matched my reputation
maybe then this wouldn't sting so ******* bad
I spit at the word "darling" when I read it
and I can't tell you how worthless I felt describing dancing barefoot over concrete in the rain when I found out you already had a ***** on standby

2. you and I know a lot can happen in 24 hours
like you can let someone inside of you and blame it on me not loving you the right way
and I can cry over the way you spelled "future" like "temporary"
and how I already know too ******* much about that
and so I sort you into a pile with my dead mom and my daughter I'll never get to meet
and everything else that didn't last - like my clean date, our anniversary, the way you said "I love you", or my ******* name

3. you still think I wasn't serious
if a baby is what will make you want me
and you can name her after what it feels like to love something for once

Maybe because I'm honest with her

Told her how your fists were sculpted by your father's drug addiction
And the way your mother left him

I tell her about the nights my fingers wrap around the softer parts of you
The way in which I reminded you of the boy who ***** you
So it's no surprise when you finally started fighting back

I tell her what your blood looks like running down the crook of your arm
Or the inside of your thighs

I tell her you could never really love me except from a distance
Because I have always been made from razor blades and ****** needles
Too sharp to touch
Never soft enough to hold

What's it like falling asleep beside a ghost?

nightmares
are crawling into bed alone
wrapping my arms around your ghost

i'll hold you until you feel safe
always

you leave me sort of breathless like

my arms fall just a moment too short of reaching you like
telling my favorite joke backwards and ruining the punch line

because when I look at you my whole head goes blank

like I can’t remember that witty line I was going to use
you probably would’ve just laughed anyway

but the way you smile makes my stomach do flips and
my heart beat against my rib cage like drums

I’m sure you can hear it from across the room

but can’t imagine
how you make my palms sweat
and my face run red like

you’re the only girl I know that has ever made me blush like that or
at all

you leave me sort of breathless

like you stole it from my lips with that kiss
that I never got

I’m still hoping

I CAN'T TELL IF I'M MANIC OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE I WANT TO **** MYSELF TONIGHT

OR CURL UP ON THE FLOOR AND NEVER GET BACK UP AGAIN

OR DRIVE 108 MPH EXACTLY WHILE BLARING ALL THE SONGS YOU HATED HEARING FROM MY STEREO UPSTAIRS AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL MY THROAT IS SO RAW AND MY VOICE SO HOARSE YOU WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE IT WHEN I'M BEGGING YOU TO COME BACK

****
BECAUSE NOTHING HURTS LIKE THIS DOES

THE SPLIT OPEN RIB CAGE IS ALMOST A COMFORT BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN I MIGHT BE ABLE TO STUFF THIS GAPING WHOLE IN MY CHEST

SIX SHOTS OF NARCAN AND SHAKING WITHDRAWS TASTES ALMOST AS SWEET AS THE SHOT THAT KILLED ME
or the shot that left me lying unconscious for three days while the cancer killed you..

OR WAS IT THE PILLS THAT FINALLY TOOK YOU FROM ME?
I GUESS I REALLY COULDN'T SAY SINCE I WAS NEVER THERE

i use to see you in my dreams, Ma
i use to remember the way your hair smelled

ISN'T IT ******* PATHETIC I WON'T EVEN GO TO THE SAME STORES NOW
TOO AFRAID OF RUNNING INTO YOUR GHOST
even though i swear i'm struggling trying to find a place where i can feel you

i use to remember the way your voice sounded
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR DELETING ALL THE VOICEMAILS YOU EVER LEFT ME
AND THE TEXTS THAT SAID YOU ONLY WANTED ME TO MAKE IT HOME

YOU NEVER ASKED ME FOR ANYTHING BUT TO KEEP YOUR BABY SAFE
AND AREN'T I SO SICK FOR BEING TOO SELFISH TO EVEN DO THAT

instead i sat next to your hospital bed
TOO HIGH TO STAND BY YOU ANYMORE

i can't tell which half of bipolar this is
because i want to **** myself tonight
and you're not even here

to stop me

you drive me crazy
and not in a good way

you make my ******* skin crawl

and I’m trying to figure out how
to rip you from my veins

you have always left a sour taste in my mouth
and I am trying to wash you out

but I can’t forget the way you made me bleed
when I begged you

no
it never meant anything to you

that’s why you never stopped
when I begged you

no
please listen

no
she’s just a girl

no
please

no no no..

you drive me crazy
in the “I want to blow my brains out” kind of way

do not touch me again
I can still feel my skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to get rid of you

this is not how I want to live
I’m tired of kissing razorblades goodnight
and bottles of ***** good morning

I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror most days
I am not the person I wanted to be

this is not how I want to live
I don’t know if I want to live at all

I’m sick of breaking myself down to try and build others up
my arms are tired and my knuckles bruised
and I don’t want to fight anymore

I’ve been looking for a way out so long that
I don’t even recognize it as a danger
looking down the barrel of a gun

not until I hear it go off

she is a wilting daffodil only lives a few weeks before losing all of her prior appeal
she is a fleeting thought
maybe for a moment she sounded like a good idea but it is better that I let her go

she is too much like my ex
angry and disrespectful and lazy in the bedroom

she tastes too much like my childhood traumas
the way my dad smells when he drinks too much
how my mother never says “I love you too”

she is not something beautiful
she is bitter and poisonous and she does not care how comfortable you are

or uncomfortable

her favorite flower is a daffodil
she thinks it’s romantic and tragic how they only live but so long

I bet she never guessed
you were so glad something could die so quickly

never guessed
you were so glad you let her go

I’m not supposed to miss you

my friends are mad you left
not really because I’m sad
just because they all thought we’d out last ourselves

but by the time I was spending our anniversary alone
you were ******* someone new

I’m not supposed to miss you

but when I watch our favorite movies
I still look over to see if you laughed too

I won’t **** her because she
doesn’t taste like you

I just wanted you to stay

I’m not supposed to miss you

but I swear
baby I still do

my mom asks me how I’m doing
I smile and tell her I’m happy

but every time I see my doctor
I tell him
I want to die

I’m at 1800 mg now

just to try and keep from rocking the boat hard enough
to flip me into the water

but I do not need oceans to drown me
I just need to hear you say that you still love me

let me choke on all the reasons you left
why didn’t you stay?

****** isn’t scary anymore
and neither are the withdrawals

I’m not afraid of anything except losing you

I don't know which means more,

that it's been five months since I counted out the grains of salt it would take to get me through my next dry spell well enough to get out of bed..

or that it's been at least two months since I even thought of pin ***** needle point as an escape from ...well, anything

don't pick
it's not good for the ones that are trying to heal
and i'm sick of all the blood
you don't have to bother hiding them anymore
everyone already knows
when you hear that you ex is cutting now
and you tug on your sleeve
it is okay
it is not your fault
you did not teach her this
when the girl you love shies away from the mess you left on your skin
it is okay
she is allowed to react
when your mother turns away with teary eyes
it is okay
she still loves you
when you regret the scars
it is okay
just remember that the next time you pick up a knife

doctors have told me I've died eight times
everyone else keeps begging me to stop shooting smack into my wrists because I only have one life left

keep day dreaming of girls i've never met kissing smack into my wrists
i'm ready for something ******* lethal
and love poems aren't the same as saying i like the way you **** me like i owe you something
you're dangerous
and i swear

nothing tastes like you