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Mick Jun 2015
when you see her again for the first time
smile
no matter how badly you want to scream
remember last time you saw her she was moaning out your name
you are still in control even if she is not begging for you anymore
remember there was a time that you were the world to her
and don't worry
just because you are not hers doesn't mean you are not still the world
smile
and do not call her a mistake
remember she is not the only one loving someone new
some things, as the world goes, are only born to die
we have to remember to cherish what we have while it is still here
when you see her
smile
let her know it is okay without having to say "i forgive you"
let her know you are a better person now and do not ask for her back
you do not need her anymore
so smile
Mick Nov 2018
I am made up of thousands of tiny cracks in composure

I have a scar on my right wrist from a pair of handcuffs, when a cop was a little more than cordial with me
I've got at least two from running face first into counter tops or door frames..
I could name four off the top of my head that my ***** ex girlfriend left me, they look like shaky trails on a treasure map. maybe her excitement got the better of her, but I got her best..and worst
I've got a constellation of pin ****** across my shoulders of acne scars that'll never heal right after my seventh trip to lockup
And now that I've gained and lost my full body weight in five months, I've got three dozen pretty pink stretch marks I'm afraid won't ever turn white

And I guess besides that I have whole novels written down my sleeves.
Most of my arm doesn't even look like an arm anymore
And the only good I can say about that is, I was 17 the last time I had to cover up my "mental health days" with bright blue mickey mouse band aids
that's four years of wearing my wrist band that reads "I have healed now"
My patchwork is messy, I have to admit, but it holds together nicely

And now that they're all just gentle interruptions..nothing gory or too scary to see..I wear my own skin so comfortably
I'm not proud of the disaster I left on my own body, but I'm not ashamed that I made it out alive either.

"I have healed now" but I was there when you burned your own house down to try to feel warm again, and it's been four years but I remember the way that cold touched my bones, I wear this scrapbook of knife work so you know that the good days are coming, one day they will only be scars, one day they will only be memories
even if it takes time
#TW: Self Harm
#tw
Mick Jul 2015
no, i don't care that you think the game is broken
it's not supposed to give you tickets
it's guitar hero

no, your kid can't climb on the stage
get them down
cause you sure as hell don't want me to

shut the **** up
it's not my fault your kid ****** themselves
and no, i will not clean them up for you

you can have one thing from the red bin
no, you can't have the chuck e. doll
you only have three tickets


you know what?
listen, i don't really care

i wear a rat suit for minimum wage
Mick Jun 2015
she whispers into the space between my neck and my collar bone
she tells me she never wants to leave
her lips trace promises of tomorrow onto my skin
there is nothing outside of us
of her and me
these blankets
she says
this is all i know anymore
like i have forgotten how to taste like anything
but waking up beside you
i tell her
this is all i want to know anymore
these blankets and tasting like you
but the world does not turn only for me
and when she leaves my bed
she is just another girl
and i am just desperately waiting
for tomorrow
Mick Jun 2015
my mom won't look at me anymore
says stretched ears is a mutilation she just can't stand to watch
like six years of slit wrists was
she doesn't talk to me most days
and she still doesn't respond when i tell her i love her
but i guess if i had to choose
i would rather be invisible

my dad laughs a lot
but he doesn't look happy
and his breath always smells like bourbon
our house always smells like smoke
and i'm just waiting for it to burn down

my brother thinks he's funny
he laughs just like my dad does
as if these are things to joke about

and everyone says i'm too sensitive
that i can't stand the way a pair of unwanted hands
feels on my skin
Mick Jun 2015
and i stopped having ***
when no one stopped when i asked
and i stopped trying to **** myself
when my dad told me i'm the reason he's going to put a bullet in his head
and i stopped putting holes in the wall
when my bedroom started to look too much like me
I tried to patch up the wounds
but you can still see the scars
i stopped drinking
when i couldn't tell myself apart from my dad
and i stopped smoking
after i ran away
and could still smell my house burning down
Mick Jun 2015
I don’t know if a part of me really died when you left
or if you just took it with you

because my five a.m. smile hasn’t been around for months
and cooking was my favorite thing
and I always made you lunch
but now I can’t even stomach the thought

I don’t like getting behind the wheel of a car since your dad died
it’s even harder with a cigarette between my lips
but I couldn’t drive any other way

I don’t like kissing girls unless I’m drunk
I feel less guilty for wishing they were you

I don’t sleep at night
but I don’t think I ever did
it’s harder now
sharing a bed with your ghost
and I swear these sheets still smell like you some nights

I haven’t cried since Charlie died
not since you left
I don’t think I remember how

I wonder if you remember any of our late nights together
I know we had quite a few
I wonder if any still mean a thing to you

how easy am I to forget?
do you look for the parts of me you stole?
I doubt I’ll ever get them back

I was so willing
I would’ve given you all I had to offer
I did

and you
you left me with an empty chest
screaming out your name

come back
I can’t make it on my own
Mick Jun 2015
i have always tasted too much like heartache
******* flooded sense of smell
my heart beats fast for someone so dead inside
chipped teeth form cracked smile
i have never been close to perfect
Mick Jun 2015
and the worst part is
it was always my fault

shouldn't have been drinking so much
or done all of those drugs

i wish you were sorry
Mick May 2020
I’m going to marry this girl one day, and here’s why

she has shown me that she’s not willing to back down from a fight
when things get tough she gets tougher and we deal
she pays attention to small details and works to show me every day that she thinks about me constantly and that this will never only be one sided
when I told her I was an addict she applauded my good days and she stood by me in my bad
and when I told her I was scared I’d relapse again she bought Narcan and stayed up to measure my breathing
I have never for a second had to doubt whether or not she would be there because she always is

And I will spend the rest of my life trying to show her that her love was not in vain
Mick Sep 2018
this is a feeling I thought I had almost forgotten

I haven’t felt this numb in months

this is why i stopped smoking so much

turned to a drug that at least made me feel something

I’m sick of biting my lip until it bleeds

I’m sick of having to remind myself that I am still real
Mick Jun 2020
I'm scared
almost all of the time of almost everything

I haven't felt at peace since a lot of things went down
and I'm still learning to live through that

I wouldn't write about it if it didn't still hurt

relapsing after being clean for any period of time is trying
and almost all the time I take it too far

being in the city scares me
I am terrified of running into old ghosts

and being with you scares me too
because I am convinced good things are not meant to be
but I'll be ****** if I give up just because it's scary
Mick Jul 2015
remember razor blades
and how she tasted when you kissed

something smells like rust

and i can't tell it it is open wounds
or if i just left myself out in the rain again

what is it like to love someone
more than you hate yourself

i am trying to remember
RlP
Mick May 2020
RlP
I am most comfortable acting reckless
it is hard to seem so put together when I’m spinning out of control

But I like the way it feels losing sleep thinking of you
we bought a bigger mattress and you still take up 3/4 of the bed
And I don’t mind for a second making space for you

You are the only person that has ever made me feel safe stepping into unknown
you are the only one who has ever stayed

thank you. I love you, too.
Mick Jul 2015
i am twelve years of
self pity

holding myself to my father's words
i will never be good enough

i am a short fuse
soaked in bourbon

a handful of every pill in the cabinet
and i call myself a cocktail party

i am reckless
like jumping out of moving cars

i died a long time ago

but she says the corpse thing
is hot
Mick Sep 2018
.1. when I said I had a odd sum of days clean
she said "I count on your days the way a catholic counts on rosary beads"
but I'm no saint and I'm destined to let you down again

2. when I have nightmares it's just my dad crying over my dead body
and she wonders why I never call when I never know what to say

3. I started skipping my meds again because I got sick of feeling normal
now I'm starting to see my dead mother every time I look in the mirror

4. I think my point is life is becoming a very morbid place to be
and I think about killing myself every time I wake up
but what if the last time I hugged my dad was dripping from the shower that he wrenched me from and outfitted in steel hand cuffs

what if I never hear her say she loves me again
Mick Sep 2018
.1. I pick mania over drug induced numbness any day
at least this way it's not wasted feeling
this blade at my wrist

2. I could get drunk on you white girl
when I remember that feeling of your lips on my neck
I know I'd never have to get high again
but I want to

3. YOU'RE WORTH DYING OVER
actually I think that's just the mania speaking
BUT ISN'T IT SOMETHING
TO NOT BE AFRAID OF DEATH ANYMORE?

4. I KNOW I AM LOVED
BUT HELL I WANT THAT COLD BITE OF GLASS IN THE CROOK OF MY WRIST LIKE I NEED AIR TO BREATHE

5. I don't want to die
I just want to know what you taste like
OR MAYBE THAT'S THE SAME ******* THING
Mick Jun 2015
i'll tally your sins into flesh
maybe the blood will save you
a godless saint
Say
Mick Jun 2015
Say
say all night and no sleep and way too much caffeine
say caffeine like LSD
say LSD laced in Ecstasy
say I am in ecstasy when I am with you
say but hell it’s been a long time since I was with you

say love say broken say I’m sorry
say it like I loved you so much and you broke me and I wish you were sorry
but you’re in a whole other universe

say my chest is filled with empty
say my ribs are weaved in ivy and it is suffocating

say my name
once
say it again
loud enough for me to hear you
half deaf and only ever half alive

say it like a father saying his daughter’s name for the first time
say it with fire in your eyes
say it like there will never be a moment as beautiful as this
and that is tragic

say it like a mother saying her daughter’s name for the last time
say it with all the heart you’ve got left
say it like this is all you’ve got left
isn’t that tragic?

say it like the way the color red feels between your fingertips
(I know it’s your favorite)
say it like the smell right before you open your eyes in the morning

say my name
just once
let it hang on your lips
because no one has ever made it sound so sweet

say it like I love you

say love and drugs have a lot in common
they both eat away at you until you’ve got nothing left
leave you begging for one more taste

you have left me with nothing but a longing
just one more taste
Mick Jun 2015
I spent the day collecting your things

put them away in a cardboard box
and tucked it in the back of my closet

along with the rest of my skeletons

I spent the night scraping you from my bones

washing your scent off of the sheets
scrubbing away the taste of your skin

I don’t want to remember

I don’t want to spend another second on you
I can’t
Mick Jul 2015
it's the way your breath catches
and how you lean into my touch
that drives me so crazy

i am all yours

and tonight
you are all mine
Mick Jun 2015
150
I sleep more than I eat
my stomach is filled with pink pills and the air smells just like ****
140
molly makes me sick
so I only do it in honor of big events
like not getting invited to prom
130
I don't sleep anymore
I always have a ****** nose
I tell my mom it's allergies
it's really coke
120
my face has sunken like a ship
the black around my eyes is haunting
my dad says I look thin
he says beautiful
110
I tuck myself away with the rest of my skeletons
that's all I am
100
no sense in getting up anymore
I can't.
Mick Jun 2015
at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying
Mick Sep 2018
at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying
Mick Sep 2018
She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light
Mick Jun 2015
She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light
Mick Jun 2015
Spring
everything is alive and i met a beautiful girl

Summer
the air is thick and we kissed under the stars

Fall
everything is changing and we danced in the rain

Winter
it is cold outside but i feel safe with you
Mick Jun 2015
Spring
everything is alive but i feel dead inside

Summer
the air is thick and heavy like my heart

Fall
everything is changing but i still love you

Winter
it's cold outside and i cannot find warmth now that you're gone
Mick Jul 2015
i'm never gonna tell her
how i crave her fingers

i always catch myself
staring at her lips

there isn't one part of her
i don't desperately desire

and she looks so ******* good
with the lights on

i'm never gonna tell her
i'm in love
Mick Jun 2015
17 I taught myself how to use my left hand
when I broke all my knuckles
and took enough Percocet to put an elephant to sleep

17 I got a tattoo on my lower back
and fell in love with being a god
(that's why I still do *******)

17 my favorite lips told me
she thought she might love me
one day

i'm too young to be grateful
Mick Sep 2015
-she's autumn
(and that's my favorite season)
always a little red in the face,
and that's my favorite color
(especially on her)

-i like her because she's all early september
(which means staying in bed until after 10)

-and she always holds me when i feel like i'm falling apart
(which is often)

-she kisses like 4th of july
(which means HARD)
and my ears are still ringing
(which means i can't think about anything else)

-she's all firecrackers and campfires
(i can still smell her on my clothes in the morning)

-she's the reason i'm trying so hard
(which is to say)
i love you
Mick Nov 2018
I swear it's nights like this
(I threw out my NA chips)
And I've had a few too many sips
And I can feel the weight of your heart shaped lips
Pressed against my eyelids

I've been trying to fall asleep for four months
Afraid to forget the way your eyes traced every inch of my fragile being before walking away for the last time

I know I look terrible in green
Rather be draped in this pale skin and
You
Always you

The last time we slept together I almost died when I had to pry myself from your arms
Or my arms from around myself
Or whatever makes the most sense in saying
I have missed you every moment since then

I don't drink anymore because I still don't eat and I can feel the alcohol tearing holes in my insides
And that's already your job
And you're so ******* good at it

I've been trying to plug these holes and their frayed edges with anything that sounds like the way you laugh when you're nervous

So what I mean is
I'm a liar
I drink until I feel light headed but never drunk so I know exactly what I'm saying but I have every excuse to pretend not to

When I'm pleading with the way you swear you'll never stop loving me
And I've seen you naked in the last two months since I've been home
And that would almost feel like a victory

Except

When I'm working
I have to hold my breath sometimes because I'm so scared of what I'd have to say to you if you ever walked in our front door to make you leave

Because watching you sit with in arm's reach might actually be the final death of me

And that would be a miracle

I talked to an old ex of mine about tiny magics and how mine is never dying no matter how hard I try

No matter how many words like bullets you shoot into my temples
No matter how many needles dipped in poison you watch me then dip into my veins
No matter how many times I tear out all my guts so I can hand you my heart again
And no matter how many times you leave it on ***** street corners in the rain

Do you remember how you would kiss my fingertips and how softly we would hold each other as I ran that blessed holy water of a hand down to the small of your back
Do you remember what your name sounds like in my voice

Do you remember
What it was like
Holding my blood red heart
in your hands
Mick Sep 2018
I had never laughed so hard in my life

and I knew if a girl could make me laugh like that she must be made of the stars

and to think

I fell for a girl with constellations inside of her



when all I asked for

was a kiss
Mick Nov 2018
and my driver spit dip and asked me about my life
things she probably doesn't even know about me
Which is fine
she was undressed before I took my boots off
she waved goodbye from the door of her apartment while her nicotine hands traced every curve from her pink lace lips to the dip where her thighs meet

I have only ever described myself as hungry when it comes to her
And she is the only girl I could ever wish to devour
Completely

how could I live with myself waking up beside her bones
fractured and splintered under the weight of I Love You's that only last until the next mating season starts

And I've been trying for so long to forget the way her palm lights my skin on fire but she told me that I had soft lips like she has never memorized this mouth of braile
like she doesn't already know what I feel like against every inch of her

She sent me home in an uber
and I'm an idiot for letting her convince me I could be safe here
Mick Nov 2018
until my best friend overdosed on the landing at the top of my stairs

and she cried and cried and screamed and she had nightmares for weeks and we slept on the couch until the dark by the bathroom wasn't so scary

"I never want to see you like that"

but I guess I had other plans
and she cried and screamed and she threw things at me and I was evil, so evil I think I hollowed out my chest to make room for the bad, the poison, the death of myself (and ultimately our relationship)

and I tried to die on purpose a couple of times, but never the times I was with her.
but there was nothing sweet left of me and she was so tired of drinking from my bitter lips
and breaking ribs

so playing at death's doorbell isn't cute anymore, it makes her sick to her stomach and I have the videos to prove it

but now all the bad stuff is gone from my body and my chest is still empty because I packed up my mangled heart and patch quilt lungs in your trunk of things and i never see you anymore
and I don't know how to call you and say that I need it all back
Mick Jul 2016
i like to write about the way a bag of fentanyl with a big letter "H" on the front tastes like

i like to write about coming home to my wife crying on the steps as the paramedics drag my best friend's body out of my house

i like remembering the way my heart sounded just like 15 cops pounding on my front door

i can't tell if i'm swallowing back bile or guilt anymore
i can't tell if burning all the needles in my drawer was a sign that i'm moving on or denial of what I've done

i hate thinking about my friend with blue lips
last time i saw him he was snorting back three hundred dollars without blinking
he says he doesn't really get out of bed anymore

I know exactly what he means
Mick Sep 2018
when you left
I took it with shots of brandy

I had been sober so long because your kiss was enough to make my head swim

and letting you walk away was one of the hardest things I've had to take

you said leaving me was hard
like when your dad died

and it was just as bitter as watching my mom fight cancer

for the second time

I'm still swallowing back the goodbyes I never got to say

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy

but even it doesn't burn the same
Mick Sep 2018
the first six months after you was probably the worst time of my life
not just because i was trying to remember how to taste like anything besides you
that was the same time my mother died while i was busy pushing needles into veins and spitting blood from my lips
we ****** in your car anywhere that would make me feel alive
but your bed never felt like home to me
i lied when i said i don"t write about you anymore
but lying belt better than admitting i can feel the way you're missing from my bones
i'm hollow and that's not the same as empty
all my lining's made of your fingerprints
which means i'll always taste like you no matter how many times i rinse my chest out with *****
try to drown the bits of you left growing between my ribs

this last six months
i've seen you three times
twice was behind a double pane glass window
we talked about getting married and running away together
tonight i thought about calling you at least six times
when's the last time you saw me six months sober 180 pounds clean wrists and a smile
never
and how much of this do i owe to you
for leaving me and only coming to remind me what i'm missing
i can feel your fist in my throat begging me not to let small words escape

goodbye i love you and i love the way you taste like cherries
like trying to convince me there's anything sweet about you
Mick Jul 2017
i. when i came home i did weird **** like peeing with the door open and falling asleep with my clothes on

ii. when i came home i ate all of my wife's cooking and i never asked what was in it

iii. when i came home i started counting the number of naps i took a day and i didn't leave my room for a week

iv. when i came home i walked there barefoot and higher than when i left

v. when i got home i didn't just bang dope i shot anything i could break down

vi. when i got home i tried to measure the moments between my wife not loving me and my last OD
and i never made it past six
Mick Jun 2015
she says i talk in my sleep
whisper to something dead inside
the parts of me that will never wake up
but i've only ever dreamed of feeling alive
Mick Sep 2018
and now he’s breathing “****” down your neck
and you’ve mistaken it for love
Mick Jul 2015
my fingers pluck at every part of you
you love to hate

like strings on a guitar

and oh god
you make the most beautiful sound
Mick Jul 2015
i've never been one
to leave the lights on

i don't know
what it is i'm hiding from

but i'm not afraid anymore
Mick Jun 2015
Your favorite color is red // you like metallica and iron maiden, just like your daddy // you believe in ghosts and soul mates // and you use to believe in us // maybe you still do, because now "us" has become just another one of your ghosts // you always fall for people with bad intentions // you say you still love me but i wish you really did // I keep saying I'm okay but it isn't true // your favorite color is red // but I use to be your favorite too
Mick Jul 2015
i am bent over backwards for you

your venom tastes like candy
everything about you is sweet
until it's not

and kissing you feels like

i don't want to die anymore
Mick Sep 2018
so i'm sorry for that day some nine years ago
and I was already half a foot taller than you
when your eyes caught scarlet ribbon peek from beneath the hem of my shirt sleeve
and when you wrapped your fingers so delicately around my forearm
I'm sorry for the way I scoffed and said it shouldn't have taken three years to notice all the blood

2. and MOM I remember the way you cried for me for three years after that
I saw you collapsed on the floor outside my bedroom
and that's the reason I scrubbed the red from off the walls

3. misery loves company but I just like to wallow in my sadness
which made me think we had something in common
cause most days you didn't get out of bed either!
but you swear I'm more my Father's spitting image
so I cut off all my hair and drank my way home
and ever since these walls have stunk like bourbon and broken promises
Mick Jun 2015
my lips travel down your neck
there is so much of you that i have not yet met

it's too early in the day to be drinking
but i am trying to find the courage to tell you

there is so much i do not have to offer you
that i am still willing to give
Mick Sep 2018
I've never known anything simpler
Or more complicated than love

It is easy for me to love her when she grinds against my hand
Urging my fingers deeper
Her nails on my back and her breath on my ear

It is easy for me to love her when we are lying on my mattress
Blankets half thrown over us
Pillows scatter the floor
Half asleep it does not take much effort to smile because I can feel her on my chest

It is easy for me to love her when she straddles my lap
When her lips find mine in a frenzy of lust
Or when we are curled up with each other watching the same movie for the sixth time because we were too busy to pay attention for the first five

It is easy for me to love her when it is just us

When I tell my friends about her I have to keep myself from jumping up and down
Have to remember not to mention her name
I don't want her to face the consequences of loving me

It is hard for me to keep my hands to myself
To try not to lean into her kiss
I have to remind myself of who might be watching

It is hard for me not to hold her hand whenever I am close enough to reach her
To call her by her name in front of our parents because baby is the first word to touch my tongue

It is hard to listen to my friends talk about the way they would touch her
I always want to tell them she's mine
But I know she'll always be more than that

It is hard to pretend like I'm not so completely involved
I don't want to make the mistake of ruining what we have
And she deserves something better
I want to give her something better than “friend”
Mick Jun 2015
you taste like my favorite candy
so sweet i almost can't stand it
but you're sneakier than you'll admit
and i'm easy to convince
see
there are things you say to me
that i cannot stand
and they are not sweet
but it's not a lot of work to get what you want from me
i'll never tell you how i feel
Mick Sep 2017
-sometimes I think about telling you how I imagine your lips taste like coming home
sticky from the **** beer you drink at 3 a.m.
but then you mention her
and I remember you could never want me
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