I miss you, but really I miss myself I don't miss you at all.
You say all these things t keep me but really there isn't a single ounce of proof that you mean them.
I lost respect for myself in the presence of you. I shouldn't be scared of you but I am. You yell far too often and I don't want to think of what could come next. I want to say good bye but I don't want to break your heart I don't want you to stop having emotions. But I have to leave you
I feel sad, miserable even and I feel put on the back burner. You wouldn't really drop everything for me. So stop promising. I don't want to be around you anymore but I am scared to break your heart. I've been in those shoes. But I was just with you because you were there when no one else was but that's just because I knew you worshiped the ground I walked on.
We are toxic and I have to say good bye my darling.
You make me sad.

I thought I knew what i wanted out of life, who i would marry where my life would take me but last night, after seeing you for the first time in so long my heart hurts, my heart keeps racing just thinking about it. the way you kissed me the way you jumped across the car just to kiss me and when you were leaving you came back to my car just to kiss me good bye my stomach is in knots and i feel like puking. I told you i was complicated but instead of saying nothing you simply stated the best things usually are. this love hate relationship isnt as love hate as we thought we want to hate each other but the truth is we can't. We keep meeting like this just to hurt more. Each time one of us gets scared and we disappear. the even more pathetic thing? You're the only one that keeps me writing. We talk so I can be broken again so I can know that all my other relationships are ****. i cant bring myself to truly love someone other than you and i have gotten rather well at thinking i do and frankly it hurts me to see myself do it but i can't not do it. it scares me. we were only supposed to be a middle school thing and now we are both in college. College for me was supposed to be easy to stick with my life plan to stay with this guy i thought i was going to marry but you show up in my dreams out of the blue and i can't keep you out of my head. I wish there was something i could do to know that one day I'll hate you but for as of right now there is no way in hell i can't help but want you.

I keep waiting. I thought I meant something to you
I knew you had a life and I was willing to take the back burner while you figured things out. You said you wanted nothing to ever possibly ruin this. It's been 5 days and counting you have ignored me. I wanted to be a part of your life again I knew it wasn't a big part and now that is completely obvious we used to talk every night for hours about everything and nothing the silence was acceptable and now the silence is unbearable, you aren't on the other side of that phone. You wanted everything figured out and nothing in the way but today I realized you are the only thing in the way of this. Today I am no longer longing for you today I am worried I am angry because you promised you wouldn't do this that you wouldn't disappear. You are the only thing in the way.

That was the moment I knew as I watched as your lips met that cigarette for the last and final drag I kept looking down at your other hand watching it, wanting to lace my fingers into yours, I just wanted things to go back to the way they were two summers ago, before I met him and destroyed what we had built before i lost all of your trust. Tonight as you took that last puff I watched as you right hand shook to the music, glanced up to your lips as we sang along to the radio listened to your voice blend perfectly with mine. That was the moment I knew that we were perfect best friends and you could be my happy. Just like you always wanted.

You're right. You are always right and because of that I am kicking myself for even trying to fight it for 7 years. I just wanted to be right just once is all i asked and I can never seem to do that. I just seem to get hurt I fight everyday to prove you wrong, that I can find happiness somewhere that isn't you but tonight i can tell you are more right than ever. My thoughts are eating me alive the same way my stomach does when I refuse to eat. Tonight my thoughts go back to Friday night when you drove me home on your dumb moped and you told me to hold on to you and I refused and as you drove those few blocks I felt free as i stretched out my arms and let the night air consume me. I lacked a single care and i laid in bed just thinking if i had more time on the back of that moped with you how much i would have opened up to you but opening up scares me. I drown out the butterflies when you kiss me of thoughts unrelated and ignore the thoughts i have had about a future with you while i fight to prove you wrong. But I'm beginning to wonder when i will stop fighting and just be with you already. I just am scared of feelings and labeling us as an us again...

It's been three days, its normal you disappear for the weekends and I'm left alone to my thoughts.
but tonight I had hope I'd hear from you,
I turn up the volume on my phone
Watch the minutes pass by then the hours
the sadness hits me in the face
the realization that you and I aren't a practical thing
I don't want practical but I want you to have time for me
While you're away being distant making me question if you care I find myself entangled in the arms of someone who never let me down never disappointed me and gives me the time of day.
You can't even send a simple text to ensure you're alive
My heart screams that we could work but realistically
My head knows that it isn't true
I want you but I hate this game
I told you I could wait but it hurts too much
Last night my mom almost died and I ran to call you for comfort
you weren't there, you never answered and today has been the same you aren't anywhere to be found.

The sadness comes and goes, but when it hits me I can't breathe my heart aches. I have never felt so much hurt and so much pain all at once. I broke your heart so why do I hurt? Why am i the one who can't sleep at night? Five years have passed and I still love you more than I could ever find words for. You came back though you say you love me and I just hope you aren't stringing me along. For what it's worth I have more than just words for you. I have a box of memories, I have the sad yet beautiful tragedy we became in the back of my mind. I remember it all. We were young and dumb. I never for a second thought you weren't my fairy tale ending, you have always been my superman. You know me better than I know me a lot of the time even after five years you know everything about me. Honestly losing you again scares me. You brought me out of my sadness. but having you around and questioning your intentions brings me right back in. I just hope I'm worth it to you. because I still love you.