Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.

I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.

Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.

I'm not broken, actually.
The associations
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
but
I have a choice in this.

I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
true nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.

Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.

If fire burns
and destroys
everything
in it’s path

then why
do I want
to touch
the stars

so badly

can self destruction
really be so
beautiful

the slow swirl
of a cloud
in a endless sky
wandering
among the stars
as the moon dims
a dream fades
remembered briefly
at sunrise
i wake up crying
for a life
i've ever lived

I miss walking to your car
Wildly undressed
For the weather
As always
Yet radiant in the snow
Always scanning the backs of cars
For your Illinois plate
Reminded every time
That you’re a city kid
Probably much too cool for me

You step outside your car
Even though it’s cold
And you’re stepping into slush
The crud that cakes up in the parking lot
I miss seeing your face
That catlike smile
As I speed walk across asphalt
Smiling myself
Hard enough to make my cheeks sore
But there’s not a care in the world
When I crash into your arms

The air is cold but you are warm
My heart gets wrapped up
In a tight cocoon of you
Then we break and you say
We should get in your car
It’s cold and I left my coat again
Then I’m in your passenger seat
You’re offering me matcha candy
Or maybe just looking at me
With those bedroom eyes
Dark behind your glasses
Yet lit up all the same

I miss that sweet first kiss
The soft heat of your lips
Pressed up against mine
Gentle and hungry
A restrained fever of want
Given away by your hand on my cheek
Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back
Gazing at me like I’m something
To be savored
Cherished and mouthed at
The tender want in your eyes
That I miss
The moment you look away

the
tiny flame
that stayed
inside
me
for you
is burning me
alive

I find more comfort in strangers
than my family