I look in the mirror
And all I see now are
Black holes threatening to
Swallow my red-rimmed eyes.

I never moved with grace
But my body tremors
More than it ever did,
Thinking of unseen fears.

I reach with my fingers
Towards my old reflection
To discover the tips
Are now cracked and bleeding.

Hollow shell, hollow shell.
I am losing myself.
Every step that I take
Destroys my sanity.

I want to rip my skin off
               And crawl into someone else's.

Let me fly


                              Quick cut the rope tying us together
                           And I soar on the wind's wings.
                       You can't feel my heaviness
                   Up, higher and higher until
               My sails until I start to lift
           Let the breeze creep under
       On the ground as you go.
    Trailing me behind
Sprint ahead

I do remember vividly
The four a.m. conversations,
Feelings explained implicitly,
Plans made without obligations.

Toes dig into the rocks and sand
As we gaze up at the bright stars.
Nothing about that night was planned
Though it left us with unseen scars.

I remember the excitement
Of my phone lighting up the night
With your sweet words of enticement.
The fire in me would ignite.

And our flame was a bonfire
That lit up the world for miles
At once our warmth and our pyre.
We quickly burned with our smiles.

I still remember
That February night.
Tears froze before they
Had even reached my eyes.

The wooden dock swayed
Underneath us and yet
I remained steady
Grasping on to your coat.

You showed me the stars
But I only focused
On your eyes, your scent,
And the way you held me.

I still remember
Holding on to your cold
Dog tags, pretending
That I could make you stay.

I can't sleep, I can't rest my eyes.
Need to work harder this term,
Or I'll never get a job.
Need to get a job so I
Can work to get one later.
What will your face look like when
You see me? Will mine mirror
Yours? Do you still want to be
With me? Or are you sick of
My insecurities? I
Can't go back to the empty
Chatter and the meaningless
"I love you"s, sitting around
Waiting for absolutely
Nothing to happen.
Stabbed by passive aggressive
Thoughts unleashed like a weapon.
But this might not matter 'cause
The plane could crash or explode
And I won't have to worry
About a thing...except for
Medical bills, catching up
On schoolwork, notifying
Those who matter, offending
Those who don't. Maybe if I'm
Lucky I'll slip into a
Coma and rest for a while...
But that's no good because I'll
Just worry everyone else.
But really, I am just fine.
Just what are you doing? Don't
Look at me closely. I told
You that I'm fine, I'm okay.
Please have a nice day and don't
Worry about me. I'm fine.

You hit me like a blizzard
Hits the northeast, fast and strong.
At first it seems a blessing,
Get time off from school or work
And spend the day off lounging.
But then the cold starts to set
And the sharp winds start roaring
Threatening to break the house
As snow piles up around
Making me a prisoner.
Heavy clouds clutter the sky
And hard hail pounds on the roof
Like a terrified heartbeat.
And I start to wonder why
I thought this was a good thing.
I'm only thankful that like
Blizzards you eventually
Are gone from my life as well;
Leaving behind bright blue skies
And hope for a tomorrow.

I have felt like an outsider
Ever since my childhood ended
When I was left with a gaping
Hole carved by the one who loved me.
And I know he adores me still
But he is too far away now
That I cannot reciprocate
His feelings. Though I do admit,
I allow myself to succumb
To nostalgia once in a while.

My true friend gone, I bounced around
Different groups of people trying
To find my place in a sea of
Jealousy and competition.
I'm so thankful I got to know
The ones I did because they were
Beautiful and fascinating
In their own distinctive manner.
For a while I thought I found one
But I soon began to realize
That I had been brainwashed into
Thinking that I loved these people,
When really I didn't know them
And they didn't care to know me.

My world shattered and so did I;
Frantically trying to pick up
The pieces so I could be whole.
But my memories and thoughts of
The past eighteen years were too much
For me to pick up on my own.
One day while blindly moving in
The dark, I ran into one of
You who found a part of me on
The ground. You seemed to recognize
A shattered soul so you grabbed some
Glue and you called your friends asking
For help reassembling me.

Together, you made the cracks not
As obvious to those who looked;
But every time I peered in the
Mirror, there they were distorting
The image of myself and those
Around me.  But before you could
Repair that, we all went away
To separate places and I had
To try and fix the cracks myself.
But I only had so many
Hands so I built an elaborate
Device to keep me intact as
I mended each imperfection.

And that's how he found me, trying
To fix something he was convinced
Wasn't broken in the slightest.  
He unhooked me from the device
Then set me down and forced me to
Look at myself in the mirror.
For the first time in a long time
I saw my face and all of yours
Smiling in the reflection as
If to say "Now do you see us?"

All that's left is to remember
I must check the mirror every
So often so I can see your
Faces full of love and support
And see that I am not alone

As I drove closer
I could feel the pulse
Move through my body.

My heartbeat fluttered
Knowing it was near;
Family, friends, home.

Roses always look beautiful
When the frost comes.
Always look poised
And fragile encased in the crystal.

But soon enough
The cold seeps in,
Blackening and withering them
Until they die.

I think the rage is gone now.
I feel clean
Like fresh laundry.

My moody storms are over.
I'm still now
As a mountain.

The tears have completely dried.
I am wind
Blowing through sand.

I sit in an oasis
Waiting for
The next big storm.

Well, darling, we've surpassed 3 a.m.
And 4 a.m....5 a.m....and 6...
Talking about our life together,
Only theoretically of course,
And I haven't freaked out.  Even when
You said the word "marriage," I didn't
Blink an eye and I took it in stride.

And when you said "children," I smiled;
An image of dark haired babes screaming,
Us two standing and laughing because
We just don't know what the **** to do.
My hair would be frazzled, hoisting one
On my hip as I sing lullabies.
And our toddler would be sitting
On your lap, chattering as your eyes
Widen, overwhelmed with her questions.
How I love your dark beautiful eyes.

I don't picture a white picket fence
With a manicured lawn and flowers
But I envision the two of us
Becoming older and sassier.
We are infinite for a while
Until I wake up one fateful day
And I realize that you have passed on.

But I gather the grand-kids around
And with a glimmer in my eye, I
Tell our story sparing no details
Because someone has to remember
When I am dead and gone from the world.
And when I close my eyes for the last
Time, I smile and say: "Remember,
Darling, when we were just pretending?"
And my soul will depart my body,
Find and join yours in our own heaven.

So answer me and please be honest;
Baby, will you live this dream with me?

Darling, dearest, I will not waste
Your time pretending that I can
Understand what you are thinking
And the darkness inside your mind,
For all our demons are unique.

If I had a flashlight I would
Employ it to block the shadows;
Or better yet I'd use sunbeams
To completely **** whatever
It is that's holding you hostage.

You say your mind bursts like rotten
Fruit, but sweetie, it was plucked from
The Tree of Knowledge so with that
Much wisdom about love and sin
It's normal the weight caused the fall.

I wish I could be the one to
Save you and tell you how vital
You are to me, to everyone.
But I learned a long time ago
That you are your own heroine.

You'll save yourself as you always
Do, and along the way you will
Rescue others as you have me,
Though you will never realize it
And refuse to acknowledge it.

The path ahead may be long and
Hard and it's okay to be weak
Sometimes and we'll help carry the
Load when you fall down. Remember,
However, you must soldier on.

It starts, at first,
Like a small itch
That's easy to
Simply ignore.

But soon begins
To cause me pain;
Persistent and
Burning my skin.

Isolated
In the start, the
Sharp, searing fire
Licks my body,

Then quickly spreads
Across my hills
And deep valleys.
Untamed wildfire.

I can't put it out,
With indifference,
Desolate and
Cruelly chilly.

For my passion
Fuels the flames of
Pictured despair
So real to me.

I know what you would say to me:
"At least I was thinking of you."
But all I can see through your texts
Are images of my past life.
Sitting alone in the humid
Air of Florida trying to drown
My tears in pool water as
His slurred words "I'm way too busy"
Mixed with a girl's giggling voice
Flooded my mind repeatedly.
Feeling nothing but numbed surprise
As my father's hand rushed towards me,
Bottles of wine on the table.
Seated at a restaurant as
My grandfather cried saying how
Much I look like my grandmother;
Same determination, same hope,
While refilling his martini.
I hear his dense voice on the phone.
He'll do it, he'll jump, but not if
I tell him that I adore him
And I'll stay with him forever,
Ended with the smashing of glass.
So please forgive me when I say
I'm not a fan of your drunk texts.

We aren't Bonnie and Clyde
You aren't my Romeo
To my Juliet, nor
Are we Cinderella
And Prince Charming. We aren't
Perfect or always kind
But I wouldn't want it
To be another way
Because this works for us.
You don't put me on a
Pedestal and expect
Me to be your savior.
And I look to you for
Support instead of just
Shutting you out as I
Would normally do in
Cases like this, simply
'Cause I have faith in you
And I have faith in us.
We're not a fairytale,
However, I like this
Reality just fine.

I saw stardust in your hands
As you slipped away
Smiling to yourself
Moving beyond earthly things.

A nor'easter is building
Inside of me.
It howls with rage,
With loneliness, with boredom.

Each day it's getting stronger;
Harsh winds whipping,
Sea waves crashing.
It wants to go home. Let it.

I hardly think of you now;
It's incredible.
I lived and breathed you,
Swallowed your words like chocolate,
But now you're just a small stain
Hidden in the folds
Of some old bed sheets
I never use anymore.

Once I thought we'd be together
When we were younger; forever
Entwined by secrets and friendship.
Never thinking about hardship,

The difficulty of growing;

It's definitely not your fault
But I still blame you by default
Because the guilt does not belong
With me and I have done no wrong

**Not loving you as I once did.

I've forgotten how dark winter can be.
I've forgotten what it's like drifting in
And out of reality and my dreams.
To be completely honest, I'm starving.
Though my heart is open wide for friendship
And love, I feel as if I receive none;
Not in this town filled with ghosts and demons.

I've forgotten what it's like to lie in
Bed with no hope for heat or restful sleep.
Insomnia infecting my tired
Mind, I walk the halls of my empty house.
Pale, I'm little more than a ghost myself.

I live two lives in this body and my
Other, more preferable one is so
Very far away, it seems like a dream.
Did I ever feel your arms around me?
Your warm breath stirring my hair as you slept?
Did I ever wake up to your kisses
Or your sleepy smile so close to mine?

Maybe it's just that the hour is late,
And that I have not received proper sleep.
Maybe it's just the cold freezing my soul
Or maybe it's me feeling things too deep,
But I'm starving with no one to feed me.

I looked outside and
The sky was on fire.
Not a vague omen,
But a promise

Of what is, what was
And what is to come.

I looked inside and
My soul was a pyre.
Not a funeral,
But sacrifice

Of what is, what was
And what is to come.

I stared at the wall
Not an actual wall
But 'twas a wall nonetheless
Built up from the ground in hatred
And bitterness, it divided us
And buried what could have been, deep inside.

They wrote on the wall
(Not actually though)
And graffitied some harsh words
Amongst paintings of lewd gestures.
I leaned back and watched it all unfold
I watched as this new art form came to life.

I looked at your face
Not your actual face
But it was you all the same
Floating right in front of my eyes
Laughing and mocking me with your friends
The very same friends that used to be mine.

Lady of Shalott,
I'm being dramatic,
But I'm half sick of shadows.
Good thing you showed me your true self
So I wouldn't make the same mistake
And leave my safe tower for a stranger

Like the sun bursting from beneath the clouds
Or stars exploding in space, I feel light
And energy from all the particles
Of the universe. The salt of the sea,
Dirt underneath my feet, dust on the wind,
The exhausted breath of my ancestors.
It has all been concentrated in me,
In this moment, so that I can capture
Greatness in the palms of my two small hands.
I can see supernovas in my mind,
Both lovely and melancholy at once.
So I transfer this to ink and paper;
Productivity banishing sadness.
I don't want this feeling to ever end.

I've been lying on a bed
Of thorns for so long
I neglected to see the
Rosebuds, pink and red.

Isn't it quite ironic,
That the rose forgot
The sweet scent of her own kind?
My balm, my tonic.

I haven't seen my petals
In the longest time.
I've only seen my sharp thorns
As the night settles.

Today I wanted
         To get high off of you;
         But I guess I wasn't
The drug you needed.

You were the last
Piece of my past
That had to go
So I could sow
Seeds of healing
And warm feeling.

Now that you're gone
It's like a bomb
Exploded in
My chest, my skin.
I can't seem to
Breathe without you.

The seconds pass
The pain's not as
Sharp anymore.
Up off the floor,
Completely gone,
I carry on.

Roll over my waves and
                                  Sail ashore.
Let the wind take you home
                                  And rest, love.
Sway in my harbor and
                                  Drop anchor.
Warm yourself on the sand,
                                  Sleep awhile.
Go on, forget your cares;
                                  You're safe, love.
Take off your boots, darling.
                                  Come to me.
Can you hear me singing?
                                  Now kiss me.
Ignore the fluid cold,
                                 That's nothing.
Aren't you tired of life?
                                  I'll free you.
Listen to my song, love.
                                  Stop breathing.

It's three thirty a.m.
And I am wide awake.
Clutching the tiny gem
He gave to stop heartache.

By all rights I should be
Utterly furious
For him calling at three,
Not being courteous.

But I grin in the dim
Light of my alarm clock
Thinking only of him
And our somewhat brief talk.

For weeks on end I whined to you
'Bout how I wanted to go home,
My room painted yellow and blue,
And my bed as soft as clouds' foam.

But quite frankly I'd forgotten
How cold my bed got this season.
Even my sheets made of cotton
Failed to warm me without reason.

In abundance, I now had space
To stretch my body out at will
Though I curl in my own embrace
Quiet on my side I lie still.

Now I think I would trade it all
For my small, tiny, narrow bed
And my desolate white brick wall
If you were next to me instead.

I still find it strange, driving past your house
In winter, yes, but more so in the heat
Of summer...I can taste it...I can smell
The smoke from barbecues and the chicken
Nuggets we ate, chlorine staining our shirts,
The hint of rain on the wind, the heat of
The earth as our toes sunk into the ground.
I can hear lawn mowers, gears clicking as
We rode our bikes; if I listen closely,
The pounding of waves off in the distance.  
I feel the grass tickling my feet as
We lay on the ground looking up at the
Blue sky and puffy white clouds, which swiftly
Deepened into purple with dots of light,
Leaves brushing my skin as autumn approached.
I have no problem remembering these
Senses, but all I see is you and the
Sunrise reflected in your blue eyes and
The way your mouth curved when you laughed and smiled.
I see a lifetime of what was and a
Future of what could have been if you had
(If only, if only) stayed by my side.

They're there again
                  Staring at me,
                  Mocking me.
The thin lines angrily weave
Through the underside of
Her slightly tan arm.

"It's fine, it's nothing"
                 Hiding her arm,
                 Her poor arm.
But I can still see them
Glaring at me by
The light of the fire.

Does anyone else notice?
                 Other than me,
                 Little me.
Unable to prevent her pain
Silently, I weep as I watch
Balloons float into the night