They're there again
                  Staring at me,
                  Mocking me.
The thin lines angrily weave
Through the underside of
Her slightly tan arm.

"It's fine, it's nothing"
                 Hiding her arm,
                 Her poor arm.
But I can still see them
Glaring at me by
The light of the fire.

Does anyone else notice?
                 Other than me,
                 Little me.
Unable to prevent her pain
Silently, I weep as I watch
Balloons float into the night

Comes a time
When everyone gets tired.
Same old things
Same old repetitions.

Comes a time
When patience runs right out.
No more smiles
No more waiting around.

Comes a time
When I realize some things.
What I want
And who I want to be.

I used to have a swing-set
Set up underneath the tree
In the green years of my life
I'd play on it 'til I'd sweat.

Even now I still recall
The sweet exhilaration
Of climbing higher, higher,
Until my body would fall.

I can't count how many dreams
I would live through that swing-set.
Rest assured, I thought them all
Underneath the sun's bright beams.

But then it happened one day
That the swing-set disappeared.
All my dreams were forgotten;
Ended were my days of play.

I do wish I could return
At times to those summer days,
The golden days when the most
Dreadful thing was a sunburn.

But instead I am left here
To linger in the twilight
Growing cold and immobile,
As winter slowly draws near.

I see you staring at me
The clear statement in your eyes:
"You're sick, you're sick"
Words unsaid, but deeply meant.

And then the winning question:
"Have you taken your pills yet?"
Suspended there
Like you have the right to ask.

As if that is the reason
We keep having these issues,
These creeping doubts,
In our claustrophobic lives.

Because I've taken my pills.
Swallowed them like tasty sweets
Always hoping
That they'd get caught in my throat.

No, it isn't the issue,
They always do their duty.
It's time to face
That we are the **** problem.

Darlin'
    Did you know
        That you've never looked prettier
            Than with your hair *******
                And your body clothed in sweatpants?

Sweetheart,
    Did you know
        That with every word that you say
            And every step you take
                You leave me utterly entranced?

Honey,
    Did you know
        That with every argument
            And with every tear that falls
                Part of my heart would break and die?

Baby,
    Did you know
       How pretty you were with words
           How I was entranced by you
               And how I listened to you lie?

What happened to the cannon fire
And to the guns with bayonets?
What happened to the cavalry
And to the soldiers with straight backs?

What happened to the officer
Who had overseen their training?
What happened to the drummer boy
Who kept the troops marching steady?

The cannons changed into grenades
And guns became automatic.
Horses were traded in for tanks
And our soldiers came home a wreck.

The officer is dead and gone
Replaced by a carbon copy.
And what use is music to them?
All they can hear are hearts pounding.

War has changed in so many ways
But there are some things I still know:
Glory was never an aspect
Of it and neither was honor.

Instead war is comprised of blood,
Tears, fallen comrades and lost years.

I sat with you
Among the books
That are filled with
Words unspoken.

Concentrating
On your studies,
I couldn't help
But stare at you

And secretly
Wish that you would
Look up at me
And study me
In the same way.

And then you did,
Making me blush
As you remarked
On my speech and
My new hair part.

Noticing at
Times I can't deal
With people and
Telling me that's
More than ok.

But even if
You neglected
To notice me,
I really think
That would be fine.

Because I'd still
Be completely
At liberty
To study you.

There was music in the way she moved
And her voice was of vivid sunlight.
She danced and leaped and twirled with water.
Her gaze was filled with the children soothed.

I tried to emulate all she did
I studied every single action
I noted the words she used in speech
I did every single thing she bid

But when I moved it was in silence
My mouth spoke words coated in moonlight
And when I danced it was with the earth.
My gaze filled with victims of violence.

When I go to bed
My body automatically
Makes room to fit yours.

When I hold my breath,
I almost feel your lips press mine
But they're only ghosts.

White ink spills onto white paper.
Not the biggest of travesties
However you still know that it
Happened and you can't help but mourn
The loss of a prized possession
Even though it was completely
Useless to begin with.  But it
Doesn't matter because it was
Yours and it's been taken from you,
By your own doing, nonetheless,
But now you begin wondering
Why you used to cherish something
Of so little value to you.
Each time you tried to dip your pen
Into the ink you were forced to
Recognize that it would not help
In creating masterpieces.
Just like putting perfume on a
Flower or using a flashlight
Underneath the sun's rays, why would
You use something so trivial
In the shadow of another's
Majesty?  There's no use crying
Over it now.  Like spilled milk, it's
Gone.  Now just breathe and let it go.

i think....
     um i think...
i think that women sometimes...
are...You know...trapped...

maybe because of...
         the words we speak,
the way we frame language,
our...pauses...

or perhaps, it's our, like,
          little inflections?
or the way we give
You respect.

but just because
          we do this
doesn't mean that we don't
have strong opinions.

it doesn't indicate
          that we're dumb
or don't respect ourselves.
it means "this is the way we talk"

and that's all.

The ice on the river
Cracks and moans. Screaming, chunks
Of ice break off from the
Larger mass trying to
Hang on but still failing.
Instead they are carried
Down the river, melting
Into the ominous
Darkness of night. I feel
A piece within myself
Detach along with it,
An unnamed part that leaves
Me hollow and not quite
Whole, and not quite human.
You see, I've cried my own
River, where I cut off
Chunks of my heart and send
Them to oblivion.

I want to know when
                            Exactly when
The beat of the drum
                            Had turned into
The beat of my heart
                            Trying to flee.


Please explain to me
                            how smooth twirling
And energetic
                           leaps through the air
Has now turned into
                           leaden horror.


When did the music
                            Lose its power
To inspire me
                            And let me dance
But instead make me
                            So dead inside?

In my feverish state I find myself
Reaching out, trying to sew together
The past and future, the present with self.
Arms wrap around me although I can't tell
If they are his, my mom's, or even God's.
But does it really even matter when
They serve the same purpose and provide love?
Whispers in my mind, is that you conscience?
But the past is past and I'm far too sick
To motivate myself to do more harm.
There is pounding pressure behind my eyes
And dust mites turn into swirling snowflakes
That set me aflame when they make contact.
Time is meaningless in this rabbit hole
So I wander with Alice for a bit
Trusting the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter
To keep us safe along the way.
Soon that ends and I start choking on air
Dense with regrets, obligations, and fear.
There is no end to this ****** inferno.
I can only hope my mind fades to black
For a time before this repeats itself.

I can see you through the wall of ice
Trying to reach me,
Attempting to talk with me.
I want to stretch back but I'm frozen,
Unable to move
Save for my tears of fire
Quickly blazing a way to my heart.
You wish to help me,
I know you don't understand.
You only get blasted with the cold
If you get too close
And it's starting to burn me.
I sincerely don't want to hurt you
But I know I do.
You deserve someone better;
I understand if you want to leave
(Oh God, please don't go).
Trade the icy frost for warmth,
Leave me with the dead for the living.

I almost forgot...
The way your eyes light up when:
You're looking at me,
You find something amusing,
You hug me tightly,
You talk about the future,
You say "I love you."

I almost forgot...
How my heart starts pounding when
I open the door
And see you standing there,
Waiting to hug me,
Handsomely smiling at me,
Saying "I love you."

From time to time
I sit with them,
These people of
My distant past.

I reach into
My memory
And pluck them from
My restless thoughts.

And then I twist
And pull and squeeze
Until I have
Them at their best.

All of us laugh
Remembering
The height of our
Times together.

But then even
That starts to fade
And slowly they
Become silent.

They stare at me.
Melancholy
Written in their
Old, tired eyes.

Even the kids
Are the same way
With their sad faces
Gazing at me.

"What?" I ask them
"What do you want?
I'm trying to
Keep you alive."

Tears flow freely
Down their faces,
From my two eyes,
Because we know.

This can't, won't last,
They are not real,
Not anymore.
And so, they fade.

Sometimes I still think about
Running away; tropical
Shores or breathtaking mountains.

I wouldn't even mind not
Seeing the sun again if
Your shadow was blocking it.

The joy and happiness
Of my life are now gone
And yet, and yet, I'm scared.

I'm not ready to go
But I am already
Floating above this world.

I do not see angels
Nor bright eternal light
Nor Saint Peter's pearl gates,

I do not see darkness,
Nor the hot flames of Hell,
Nor the black river Stix.

I simply feel nothing.
My panic is smothered
By oppressive silence.

But this is not the way
I want to leave this earth;
Not feeling, not living.

I want to dance again,
I want to feel summer,
I want to laugh and sing.

But life is not perfect
And not all of us get
What we want in the end.

I've been walking, as of late,
In a twilight realm filled with
Dancing fairies and cruel fate.
They all told me it was myth.

But I've found it on my own;
A world that doesn't conform
To a cage made of white bone
And creates a whole new norm.

To you it might seem that I'm
Just wandering aimlessly,
Wasting the passage of time,
I did once, so famously.

However this is not true,
I love spending time under
Skies made of sapphire blue,
Topaz, and other plunder.

In this world I see so much;
I feel so alive, vital.
And here, everything I touch
Livens, becomes bountiful.

I want to stay forever
In this forest of sweet dreams
And lovely hope.  However,
Soon I must awake to screams.

I don't know what triggers it.
It could be the darkness,
A single word spoken,
A faint scent in the air,
Images burned in my eyes.

I only know that it shoots
Me without fair warning
With a force so strong
It knocks me off my feet
Leaving a critical wound.

The nights are getting shorter,
The air no warmer,
But I know summer's coming
And you're still with me.
When sweat starts to bead my skin
And I come alive,
I'll take you to the meadow
Where I used to play
And we'll dance with the fireflies.
I'll show you the lake
Where my heart first broke in half
And we'll dance there too
Because I'm so **** happy
With you by my side.
I'll drive you around my town
And tell you stories
'Cause I want you to know me
Like no one else does.
See me underneath it all;
Behind the cold mask
And my empty confidence.
But what I want most
Is for you to see how much
I deeply love you.

Wind caught her hair
Driving the car full speed ahead
Windows all down
As the landscape twisted and dipped.

The sun blazed hot
Killing flowers, insects, and things
By the roadside.
So much death but no one noticed.

Too occupied
With their individual lives
They soaked up warmth
And paid no mind to smaller things.

Finally.
I can hear birds chirping in the trees.
At long last.
The sun is starting to hear my pleas.

Don't ever leave me.
You would cut away my rope;
I'd be lost at sea.

I think I'm getting better
              But then one single
                                          Blow
Sends me spiraling back

I dance around in my room for a bit
Waltzing with the bear
Mi abuelita lovingly sent me.
Pure white with a red
Bow and a smile as bright as Florida skies
On a summer's day,
I wrap its arms around me and pretend
It's enough comfort.

I look inside and I see
Shards of glass buried deep
Slick and sharp, slicing me
When I breathe.

I can deal with pain that's
Forceful, full of feeling
But I don't do well with
Emptiness.

And having grown numb to
The razor blades within
The dark depths of my poor
Wounded soul,

I stabbed myself to rid
consuming vacancy.
But I failed to realize
It'd **** me.

My insides have been ripped out
Entrails lying ****** on the floor.
Worthless, worthless, I know.
I've been immobilized,
Curled on my bed, hands raised to my head
Trying to block out the screaming;
My own or the voices?
I can't tell anymore.
We are One.

Everything I touch withers and dies,
And I was surprised I hadn't yet
Since I grip myself so tightly
In order to keep it together.
But now I know I'm Death itself.
Guilt is my burden to bear as
I watch the light fade from their eyes.
We are Death.

I tell my stories and secrets
To the empty rooms
You left behind.

Walls close in around me
I can't breathe, I can't see.
I am gasping for air
Wriggling in its snare.

Alone, alone, alone
I know I'm on my own
As the clock ticks away
My minutes, hours, days.

Sitting in the fog
I cannot help but wonder
If you can see me

We are the static on TV,
Wind howling through pipes,
Ice on the river,
Thick branches cracking.

We are the cold ocean at night,
Tightness in your chest,
Hail hitting the roof,
The empty silence.

"What happened to the other girl?"
I have become We.
"But where is she now?"
Still here; We are Her.

I find it funny that
He makes me warmer in winter
Than you did in summer

I have something growing
Inside of me.
Rooted in my belly,
Upwards flowing.

A **** conquering all,
It clogs and chokes,
Thick, broad, and strong like oaks,
While tending flaws.