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Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
It's three thirty a.m.
And I am wide awake.
Clutching the tiny gem
He gave to stop heartache.

By all rights I should be
Utterly furious
For him calling at three,
Not being courteous.

But I grin in the dim
Light of my alarm clock
Thinking only of him
And our somewhat brief talk.
Roisin Sullivan Mar 2014
They say that 2 a.m. belongs to those
Who are lonely. The ones trapped in cages
Of sharp glass contained in a swirling void
Composed of pain and bittersweet longing.

2 a.m. belongs to the lonely ones,
But 5 a.m. is for the heartbroken.
It's the time for shattered trust and splintered
Promises; things you didn't want to know.

I say that 5 a.m. belongs to those
Drowning in salty tears of betrayal.
The ones who are lied to and realize that
They belong with the 2 a.m. people.
You lied to me
Roisin Sullivan Jul 2014
As the alcohol poured down my throat
Part of me wished it had been acid.
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
Walls close in around me
I can't breathe, I can't see.
I am gasping for air
Wriggling in its snare.

Alone, alone, alone
I know I'm on my own
As the clock ticks away
My minutes, hours, days.
Roisin Sullivan Aug 2014
To distant lands
And open doors,
To bright white sands
On distant shores,
I must away.
I cannot stay.

Set free the sails!
We must make haste
To catch the gales!
No time must waste
To seize the day;
Anchors aweigh!
On a Mediterranean Cruise for the next three weeks :D
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
I used to think some people were angels
But now I am older and much wiser.
I've come to realize that people are not
Capable of such heavenly respect.

But their actions tell another story:
A simple, little phrase whispered at night,
An embrace given after years apart,
Living life without the pain of neglect.

And in these precious, personal moments
Are where I find my guardian angels
That infuse me with a powerful love
And protect me with a blanket of light.

They exist in little acts of kindness
And thrive on the well-being of people
Like you and me; and continuously
Make sure that we are doing what is right.
Roisin Sullivan Sep 2014
Pumpkin spice and apples
Tease my nostrils as
The fuzz on my sweatshirt
Tickles my cold skin
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
I've been lying on a bed
Of thorns for so long
I neglected to see the
Rosebuds, pink and red.

Isn't it quite ironic,
That the rose forgot
The sweet scent of her own kind?
My balm, my tonic.

I haven't seen my petals
In the longest time.
I've only seen my sharp thorns
As the night settles.
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
You hit me like a blizzard
Hits the northeast, fast and strong.
At first it seems a blessing,
Get time off from school or work
And spend the day off lounging.
But then the cold starts to set
And the sharp winds start roaring
Threatening to break the house
As snow piles up around
Making me a prisoner.
Heavy clouds clutter the sky
And hard hail pounds on the roof
Like a terrified heartbeat.
And I start to wonder why
I thought this was a good thing.
I'm only thankful that like
Blizzards you eventually
Are gone from my life as well;
Leaving behind bright blue skies
And hope for a tomorrow.
Roisin Sullivan May 2014
I think I'm getting better
              But then one single
Sends me spiraling back
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
I do remember vividly
The four a.m. conversations,
Feelings explained implicitly,
Plans made without obligations.

Toes dig into the rocks and sand
As we gaze up at the bright stars.
Nothing about that night was planned
Though it left us with unseen scars.

I remember the excitement
Of my phone lighting up the night
With your sweet words of enticement.
The fire in me would ignite.

And our flame was a bonfire
That lit up the world for miles
At once our warmth and our pyre.
We quickly burned with our smiles.
Roisin Sullivan Oct 2014
Though sometimes the dawn
Is obscured by opaque,
Gray clouds, the sun remains
As it always does.
Roisin Sullivan Jul 2014
As you all sat around the campfire
I hope you kept me in mind
And thought to yourself
"Oh what a wonderful life."
But to be honest you probably
Didn't remember a lot
The morning after;
Just as you failed to recall
Your promises made to me before.
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2013
Sitting in the fog
I cannot help but wonder
If you can see me
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
We laughed, sitting around in a circle
Passing around a few bottles of beer.
There wasn't enough to get us drunk but
Really it didn't matter so much 'cause
We were together, for this brief time we
Were together and we'd be fools not to
Seize the day (or the night). Carpe diem
That's what they say, right? Well I wasn't so
Sure how to do that when every single
until that moment had been a war
Between my body, my soul, and my mind
As to whether I would, should, live or die.
I still don't know what the **** it means, like
Sure, tell kids to do what they want to do
Make the best of their situation and
Fly, soar, achieve their most fantastic dreams.
But what if someone wants to end their life
Needlessly? What if one kid's dream is to
Harm another human because today's
Society focuses on power
And dominance, rather than on things such
As love, understanding, and acceptance?
Should they be told to seize the day as well?
We're teaching rapists to carpe diem
Too, they just take what they want without fear
Of retribution because hey, life is
Short so it should be full of joy even
When it comes at the expense of someone
Else's pain. Carpe diem, am I right?
Those girls, those boys, all of their victims, it's
their fault for not living in the moment.
And as we all sat in that circle I
Thought to myself, no, no; this is what it
Means: to sit on our ***** just talking
About the world's problems and not doing
(Not being able to do) anything
About it, illegally sipping some
Alcohol because we can and it does
Bring us closer. But it's all we can do.
Stuck here, this is how we carpe diem.
But **** it, the world better be ready
For when we are all grown up because we
Will start to change it one piece at a time.
******* carpe diem, I'll seize the future.
just get frustrated about some barriers at times
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
You were the last
Piece of my past
That had to go
So I could sow
Seeds of healing
And warm feeling.

Now that you're gone
It's like a bomb
Exploded in
My chest, my skin.
I can't seem to
Breathe without you.

The seconds pass
The pain's not as
Sharp anymore.
Up off the floor,
Completely gone,
I carry on.
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2014
Comes a time
When everyone gets tired.
Same old things
Same old repetitions.

Comes a time
When patience runs right out.
No more smiles
No more waiting around.

Comes a time
When I realize some things.
What I want
And who I want to be.
Roisin Sullivan Jun 2014
Day seven, I sit with restless feet
And a ridiculously wide smile
That I know will take a good, long while
To surrender and admit defeat.

Day six, we talk of getting a dog,
Moving into a house together,
And all of the storms we'll weather.
I spend the day in a happy fog.

Day five, I wake up from some nightmares
Screaming and tears running down my cheek.
Life without you by my side is bleak,
But I know soon we'll be without cares.

Day four, unchecked energy flows through
My veins and ravishes my body.
**** for the first time, not *****,
Surprises I have in store for you.

Day three, I want your arms around me
Holding me without restraint or fear .
Darling Dearest I wish you were here.
Oh please, God Almighty, hear my plea.

Day two, small birds are chirping outside.
Looking up, I see green leaves swaying
No thought to things that are decaying.
I'm blushing like some virginal bride.

Day one, the storm rages on once more
But it doesn't reach me in my heart
Impatiently waiting to depart.
The countdown's now down to twenty-four.

Today is the long awaited day.
I sit my car, hold the wheel tight,
Knowing that I'll be with him tonight
And that it's all gonna be okay.
Roisin Sullivan Jul 2014
I've grown to detest
Couples walking hand in hand,

Not because I care
About ****** preference
Or hate happiness,

But because it reminds me
That I'm not with you.
Roisin Sullivan Aug 2013
    Did you know
        That you've never looked prettier
            Than with your hair *******
                And your body clothed in sweatpants?

    Did you know
        That with every word that you say
            And every step you take
                You leave me utterly entranced?

    Did you know
        That with every argument
            And with every tear that falls
                Part of my heart would break and die?

    Did you know
       How pretty you were with words
           How I was entranced by you
               And how I listened to you lie?
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
Don't ever leave me.
You would cut away my rope;
I'd be lost at sea.
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2014
I feel dried up.
As if the summer sun
Absorbed all my creativity.

And it's only now exposed
In the pale fall moonlight.
Roisin Sullivan Feb 2014
Back when I was eighteen
I had the idea
That I shouldn't exist
And so I tried to drown.

I didn't tell a soul;
I wanted it to look
Like a stupid mistake
And not like suicide.

So I drove to the beach,
A mid-December night,
Parked my car and got out
Not feeling cold or scared.

I went down to the edge
Removed my boots and socks
And just started walking
To my watery grave.

And then I was immersed
In the deep, black water;
My body very numb,
My thoughts fading away.

But something clung to life,
My lungs started screaming,
My heart started pounding,
My legs started kicking.

I rose out of the sea
Like a goddess reborn
And I felt empowered.
I wanted to survive.

I got back in my truck,
Shivering, but okay.
I drove back home worried
That my parents would see.

Though there was just no need;
Midnight, they were asleep.
But I accidentally
Left a trail of water.

Still doesn't matter though;
Still there when I awoke.
No one had noticed me
And my major crisis.

And still no one can see
The struggles I deal with,
Plainly etched on my face,
My back bowed from the weight.

It's getting difficult
To see what the point is
Of life, of resisting
Drowning in the river.
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
I know what you would say to me:
"At least I was thinking of you."
But all I can see through your texts
Are images of my past life.
Sitting alone in the humid
Air of Florida trying to drown
My tears in pool water as
His slurred words "I'm way too busy"
Mixed with a girl's giggling voice
Flooded my mind repeatedly.
Feeling nothing but numbed surprise
As my father's hand rushed towards me,
Bottles of wine on the table.
Seated at a restaurant as
My grandfather cried saying how
Much I look like my grandmother;
Same determination, same hope,
While refilling his martini.
I hear his dense voice on the phone.
He'll do it, he'll jump, but not if
I tell him that I adore him
And I'll stay with him forever,
Ended with the smashing of glass.
So please forgive me when I say
I'm not a fan of your drunk texts.
Roisin Sullivan Sep 2014
Each day I fall in love with you more.
And like cascading harp strings,
Each moment is more
Than the last.
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
I left my safe haven and walked
into the dark.
i felt my heart
begin to freeze with the snowflakes.

still, i continued in silence
not expecting
(or neglecting)
to care about my budding health.

my being's drum began to slow.
i didn't care;
i didn't dare
when i had nothing to offer.

but then i heard your voice calling,
yelling to me.
recalling me
back to earth and to my purpose.

and i had become I again.
And Everything
That I Would Sing
Had Become Strong And Important.

Please do not make any mistake
You may have helped
But I have dealt
With this type of problem before.

All I had needed was a push
To remember
I have embers
And the power to relight them
Roisin Sullivan Feb 2014
I look inside and I see
Shards of glass buried deep
Slick and sharp, slicing me
When I breathe.

I can deal with pain that's
Forceful, full of feeling
But I don't do well with

And having grown numb to
The razor blades within
The dark depths of my poor
Wounded soul,

I stabbed myself to rid
consuming vacancy.
But I failed to realize
It'd **** me.
Roisin Sullivan Oct 2014
I tell my stories and secrets
To the empty rooms
You left behind.
Roisin Sullivan May 2014
These past few years
I have lost my faith in God.
There, I said it.
Bless me, Father, for I
Have gravely sinned.

Never have I
Been baptized or gone to
Hear mass at church
Apart from rare
Funerals and weddings.

But I believed
With all of my heart that
God existed
And had watched over me
All of my life.  

I don't know how
Or why I lost my faith
But slowly I'm
Beginning to bathe in
It once again.

It's ironic
How he of different beliefs
Had restored mine.
Yes, I have faith in God,
But not the church.
Something that's been on my mind a lot
Roisin Sullivan Sep 2014
I still remember
That February night.
Tears froze before they
Had even reached my eyes.

The wooden dock swayed
Underneath us and yet
I remained steady
Grasping on to your coat.

You showed me the stars
But I only focused
On your eyes, your scent,
And the way you held me.

I still remember
Holding on to your cold
Dog tags, pretending
That I could make you stay.
Roisin Sullivan Feb 2014
In my feverish state I find myself
Reaching out, trying to sew together
The past and future, the present with self.
Arms wrap around me although I can't tell
If they are his, my mom's, or even God's.
But does it really even matter when
They serve the same purpose and provide love?
Whispers in my mind, is that you conscience?
But the past is past and I'm far too sick
To motivate myself to do more harm.
There is pounding pressure behind my eyes
And dust mites turn into swirling snowflakes
That set me aflame when they make contact.
Time is meaningless in this rabbit hole
So I wander with Alice for a bit
Trusting the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter
To keep us safe along the way.
Soon that ends and I start choking on air
Dense with regrets, obligations, and fear.
There is no end to this ****** inferno.
I can only hope my mind fades to black
For a time before this repeats itself.
Roisin Sullivan Oct 2014
I keep finding cracks
In the foundation of our home,
But you bring out tools
So we can fix it right back up.

And that makes all the difference.
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
I can see you through the wall of ice
Trying to reach me,
Attempting to talk with me.
I want to stretch back but I'm frozen,
Unable to move
Save for my tears of fire
Quickly blazing a way to my heart.
You wish to help me,
I know you don't understand.
You only get blasted with the cold
If you get too close
And it's starting to burn me.
I sincerely don't want to hurt you
But I know I do.
You deserve someone better;
I understand if you want to leave
(Oh God, please don't go).
Trade the icy frost for warmth,
Leave me with the dead for the living.
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2014
Roses always look beautiful
When the frost comes.
Always look poised
And fragile encased in the crystal.

But soon enough
The cold seeps in,
Blackening and withering them
Until they die.
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
From time to time
I sit with them,
These people of
My distant past.

I reach into
My memory
And pluck them from
My restless thoughts.

And then I twist
And pull and squeeze
Until I have
Them at their best.

All of us laugh
The height of our
Times together.

But then even
That starts to fade
And slowly they
Become silent.

They stare at me.
Written in their
Old, tired eyes.

Even the kids
Are the same way
With their sad faces
Gazing at me.

"What?" I ask them
"What do you want?
I'm trying to
Keep you alive."

Tears flow freely
Down their faces,
From my two eyes,
Because we know.

This can't, won't last,
They are not real,
Not anymore.
And so, they fade.
Roisin Sullivan Feb 2014
What happened to the cannon fire
And to the guns with bayonets?
What happened to the cavalry
And to the soldiers with straight backs?

What happened to the officer
Who had overseen their training?
What happened to the drummer boy
Who kept the troops marching steady?

The cannons changed into grenades
And guns became automatic.
Horses were traded in for tanks
And our soldiers came home a wreck.

The officer is dead and gone
Replaced by a carbon copy.
And what use is music to them?
All they can hear are hearts pounding.

War has changed in so many ways
But there are some things I still know:
Glory was never an aspect
Of it and neither was honor.

Instead war is comprised of blood,
Tears, fallen comrades and lost years.
Inspired by the movie *Glory* (1989)
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
You said something to me yesterday which was quite...
You told me you would die if you couldn't have me.
Have me.
You said "have me" as if I were your property;
You owned not capable of human emotion
Or thoughts.
So you said you were going to leave to survive
As if
I were the one killing you when I've done nothing.
But love you and try to receive the same in turn.
But then
When I pointed it out you laughed and said it was
A joke.
Seriously I can't tell if you were being
Or if you were lying because I'm someone you
Can ****.
Either way, you must tread carefully before you're
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
There was music in the way she moved
And her voice was of vivid sunlight.
She danced and leaped and twirled with water.
Her gaze was filled with the children soothed.

I tried to emulate all she did
I studied every single action
I noted the words she used in speech
I did every single thing she bid

But when I moved it was in silence
My mouth spoke words coated in moonlight
And when I danced it was with the earth.
My gaze filled with victims of violence.
Roisin Sullivan Dec 2013
Darling, dearest, I will not waste
Your time pretending that I can
Understand what you are thinking
And the darkness inside your mind,
For all our demons are unique.

If I had a flashlight I would
Employ it to block the shadows;
Or better yet I'd use sunbeams
To completely **** whatever
It is that's holding you hostage.

You say your mind bursts like rotten
Fruit, but sweetie, it was plucked from
The Tree of Knowledge so with that
Much wisdom about love and sin
It's normal the weight caused the fall.

I wish I could be the one to
Save you and tell you how vital
You are to me, to everyone.
But I learned a long time ago
That you are your own heroine.

You'll save yourself as you always
Do, and along the way you will
Rescue others as you have me,
Though you will never realize it
And refuse to acknowledge it.

The path ahead may be long and
Hard and it's okay to be weak
Sometimes and we'll help carry the
Load when you fall down. Remember,
However, you must soldier on.
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2014
As I drove closer
I could feel the pulse
Move through my body.

My heartbeat fluttered
Knowing it was near;
Family, friends, home.
Home again
Roisin Sullivan Mar 2014
I almost forgot...
The way your eyes light up when:
You're looking at me,
You find something amusing,
You hug me tightly,
You talk about the future,
You say "I love you."

I almost forgot...
How my heart starts pounding when
I open the door
And see you standing there,
Waiting to hug me,
Handsomely smiling at me,
Saying "I love you."
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
The ice on the river
Cracks and moans. Screaming, chunks
Of ice break off from the
Larger mass trying to
Hang on but still failing.
Instead they are carried
Down the river, melting
Into the ominous
Darkness of night. I feel
A piece within myself
Detach along with it,
An unnamed part that leaves
Me hollow and not quite
Whole, and not quite human.
You see, I've cried my own
River, where I cut off
Chunks of my heart and send
Them to oblivion.
Roisin Sullivan Feb 2014
I hate the fact
That when he puts his arms around me
I sometimes cringe,
Remembering your hands 'round my neck.

I hate feeling
Paranoid that he doesn't love me
Just because you
Never valued me as I should've been.

I hate myself
For not being strong enough to fight.
I hate myself...
For nearly surrendering my life.

But most of all
I hate you for staying in my head.
I despise you
For still remaining a constant threat.
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2013
I find it funny that
He makes me warmer in winter
Than you did in summer
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2013
I had a dream last night.
It was dark but the moon was bright
Casting grey and white rays
Of light, setting the sea ablaze.

It was calm and serene
Though only turmoil could be seen.  
I closed my eyes in thought;
Just feeling pain, but not distraught.

The waves washed over me
Touching first my feet then my knees,
Always creeping upwards
While my feelings spiraled backwards.

The storm raged on and on.
And then one moment it was gone.
The sun rose from the sea
And then you appeared before me.

The ocean became still,
And your presence banished the chill
That resided within
My body, my bones, and my skin.

The water turned to gold,
(What a sight it was to behold!)
The sand had turned pure white
The fish lifted up and took flight.

It was impossible,
Mystical and improbable,
Completely unlikely.
I wanted to drown in that sea.

Instead you took my hand,
And I had no choice but to stand
Apart from the current
And everything that was pleasant.

You shook me with your hands
Silent and making no demands.
"Hush and watch the sunrise."
But instead I opened my eyes.

Around me was blackness,
But I didn't feel the sadness
That I had felt before
As I had stood on the seashore.
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2013
Me siento con mi abuela
En mi cuarto, a su lado
Sin hablar, sin charlar, miro
A su cara, a sus manos.

I know the words I want to say
In exactly de qué modo lo puedo decir
En español o el otro.
Roisin Sullivan Feb 2014
I'm so sorry that I can't be better,
I'm so sorry that I can't accept you,
I'm so sorry that I don't believe you.
I'm diseased with jealousy and distrust
And there is no cure to stop the voices
Slowly destroying me from the inside.

I truly meant what I said late last night:
You deserve better and it's killing me.
Tell me you don't care about my sickness,
And that you've always wanted to adopt,
That you'll sacrifice your dreams to be with me.
Tell me it's okay to be vulnerable.

I'm not capable of believing you
Even when you swear that you will prove it.
Please, please stop; it's just making me feel worse.
It's such ******* that I make you happy
When most days I barely feel like living.
There's no need to lie to me anymore.

And I'm sorry I'm putting you through this.
I am so sorry I seem bipolar.
I am so sorry that I don't trust you.
I'm sorry I ran into you that day.
I'm so sorry I fell in love with you
And in turn tricked you into loving me.
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
Hours go by, lying in my bed,
Endless thoughts running through my head;
Some of excitement, some of dread
As I watch my dark heart bleed red.

What to do with this long, black night?
Pray for sleep with eyelids shut tight
Against the horror and the fright
Of the things that are not quite right.

But elusive sleep never comes
And all I hear are distant drums,
Beating out their ominous thrums,
Accompanied by wailing hums.
Why can't I sleep...
Roisin Sullivan Jan 2014
The joy and happiness
Of my life are now gone
And yet, and yet, I'm scared.

I'm not ready to go
But I am already
Floating above this world.

I do not see angels
Nor bright eternal light
Nor Saint Peter's pearl gates,

I do not see darkness,
Nor the hot flames of Hell,
Nor the black river Stix.

I simply feel nothing.
My panic is smothered
By oppressive silence.

But this is not the way
I want to leave this earth;
Not feeling, not living.

I want to dance again,
I want to feel summer,
I want to laugh and sing.

But life is not perfect
And not all of us get
What we want in the end.
Inspired by a book I read
Roisin Sullivan Nov 2014
I sit here becoming a ghost again.
Fading away,
Until I stop existing completely.

I have sacrificed everything for you;
My joy, my life.
I think to myself, what was it all for?
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