What If I cared more
& truly gave a ****?
Would I be in this position
That I am?
What If I loved more
& stopped thinking of me?
Could this had been prevented?
Did this have to be?
What If I listened to her
Would she have wanted to stay?
I ask myself these questions
Every single day.
What If I prayed with her?
Would God have sympathy on me?
I wonder if that's the reason
Why he set my wife free?
What If I went to church
All those Sundays I refused?
Would she still be here?
Would I be the one she'd choose?
What If I cared more about
What she thought & her feelings?
My behavior over these past 10 years
Have been eye-opening & revealing.
I didn't care.
I didn't try.
I didn't love.
There's no excuse why.
She was my blessing
To me God's greatest gift.
Now I'm left here asking myself.........What If?

My life was in shambles
But then I discovered.
I couldn't get over her
My heart had to recover.
My days were filled with sadness
My life was in ruins.
I couldn't do anything right
I had no idea what I was doing.
The days seemed to get longer
They just didn't end.
Life got so hard without
My soulmate & best friend.
The nights were even worse
I couldn't get any rest.
I missed my wife, with her cover-hogging self
& her sweet caress.
I couldn't concentrate
I had too much heartache.
My heart was hurting too much
It was too much to take.
My eyes were red
From all the crying I had done.
My soul became empty
I withdrew from everyone.
My family reached out to me
But I too far gone.
I contemplated suicide
I had no will to go on.
My children worried about their father.
Why is he acting this way?
Their innocence couldn't comprehend
Why I was in such disaray.
The few friends I had called
& I didn't answer.
This heartache I was dealing with
Was an emotional cancer.
I finally had an epiphany
I knew what I had to do.
I had to get her out of my mind
& come to grips that we were through.
I prayed for understanding
& for inner peace.
The Lord heard my prayers
& this heartache was released.
He gave me a new strength
That I never knew I had.
God made me realize
That my life isn't so bad.
He took away the dark cloud
That had consumed my soul.
He gave me a new way of thinking
Gave me more control.
He took the frown away
That was on my face.
He replaced it with a smile
Because now I live in his grace.
He knew my love for her was real
He knows I'll always love her.
But God's kept me sane
& he's helping my heart recover.

How can one person
Have so much power over another?
A person not even related to you
Becomes closer to you than your own mother?
They have so much power
They can control your moods?
They can change your way of thinking
They can change your attitude.
They can control your inner feelings
They can make you do anything.
They could take to the depths of Hell
Or make your heart sing.
Power like that
Could be so destructive.
Someone had that power over me
& my life was disrupted.
That person had that power over me
& I couldn't resist it.
They took their hold off of me
& quite frankly, I missed it.
They left me broken
They became my desire, my need.
She left me to depend on myself
But I didn't know how to lead.
Her power over me was
Scary & hypnotic.
Now I took back control
That power, she's no longer got it.
I released myself from her
I got my life back.
My heart no longer feels
Like it's under attack.
My heart is once again beating
& everything's perfect.
I often ask myself
Was all this even worth it?
I believe it was
Because I now know what to do.
Never let a person
Ever have that much power over you.

I pray to my Jehovah
I hope he hears my pleas.
I want to let him know
What's going on with me.
I want him to know
How much I miss my sons.
I felt so happy when we had them
That's when my life begun.
Before they came in my life
My life was chaotic with so much commotion.
Before they came into my life
I was going through the motions.
Just living day by day
Not caring about no one.
All of that has changed
Once I was blessed with my beautiful sons.
They changed me from being selfish
With them I would always share.
They taught me how to love
They showed me how to care.
I was going on a downward spiral
My life was a complicated mess.
My sons made me feel whole
For once in my life I felt blessed.
The 1st time I held them
My life truly began.
That was the moment
I truly became a man.
I thanked Jehovah everyday for them
I felt blessed, my soul felt clean.
Just watching my babies sleep
Was the most beautiful site I ever seen.
I am begging you Jehovah
Please let me see my boys.
My life without them has
No laughter, no smiles, no joy
No happiness, no cheer
No real reason to go on.
Even though I lost my boys
My faith in you remains strong.
I hope you please hear me
& please answer my prayer.
Without your greatest gift to me
I'm living in despair.
*Please Hear My Prayers

A friend saw me writing
Wanted to read my stuff.
She read my poems
I guess she expected something fluff.
She didn't know my poems
Were so disturbing & dark.
She had no idea
What was truly in my heart.
Did she expect me to write stuff like:
"Roses Are Red"
I write about my mental illness
& how I wish I was dead.
I write about my Ex-Wife
& how I still ain't over her loss.
I write about losing my children
How break ups have their cost.
I write about the voices
That torment me 24/7.
& how I hope if I commit suicide
I'll still get a spot in Heaven.
I write to ease the pain
That has recently pleaged me.
If she wants to see happy shyt
Go watch Pixar or Disney.
Go watch a sitcom
Subscribe to Hulu or Netflix.
Don't read the writings
Of a man who's mentally sick.
Don't read my shyt
To be entertained.
I'm writing to keep my sanity
Just trying to maintain.
Don't say I'm disturbed
Or my mind is not quite right.
Everyday is a struggle for me
For my sanity these demons I fight.

Why do you like me
When all I do is talk about my former life.
I talk about what I lost
My wonderful kids, my beautiful Ex-Wife.
You listen attentively
You never say anything.
I know you see the sadness in my eyes
That this subject brings.
You say that you like me
You want me for yourself.
How is that possible
When I'm in love with someone else?
When I sleep at night
You aren't even on my mind.
Thoughts on my Ex-Wife
Occupy my time.
I look at you & wonder
If this is a mistake.
Will this love I feel for my Ex
Eventually, cause you some type of heartache?
It's hard sometimes to look at you
Because my Ex is who I'd rather be with.
I know that you want my heart
But my Ex is the one who has it.
You text, you call
You give me all kinds of attention.
I just can't reciprocate those feelings
I'm not as attentive.
I can't live a lie
& return feelings that aren't true.
That was be so mean
If I did that shyt to you.
I'm not saying I'm "all that"
Because I know that I'm not.
As much as you want to be in my heart
My Ex-Wife still has that spot.
The first time I saw Leesah
I knew she was The One.
When I look at you
You're a girl with whom I can have some fun.
You deserve better
A man who'll love you completely.
If we keep going on like this
You'll begin to resent me.
My heart is with a woman
Who I have no chance with.
I feel nothing for you
When we're alone & kiss.
You're physically attractive
Definitely not ******* the eyes.
But if I told you I love you
That would be nothing but lies.
I just want to make this clear
I want you to understand.
Leesah is my true love
She has the heart of this man.

I've been called selfish
Immature & too self-involved.
But since I've had my children
I know I have evolved.
Their needs come before mine.
Their needs are ALWAYS first.
Now that they are away from me
My life has been cursed.
They make my heart beat
They are the best thing I ever did.
They are the light of my life.
God's greatest gift, my kids.
They are my reason for going on
They make me strive to do well.
Being without them daily
Is a living hell.
I used to walk them to & from school
Took them everywhere I went
They are a gift from The Lord
They were truly Heaven Sent.
They were the only ones in the world
Who I know for sure love me.
They tell me each time we talk
How they miss me & think of me.
We just video chat now
I don't see them anymore.
This is my greatest failure
Losing my children I so adore.
I see my sons getting taller
Becoming young men.
I smile when we chat
But cry when our
Conversation ends.
I cry for all the time I've lost
I cry because I miss them so.
Without them I feel empty
With so much PAIN & SORROW.
I am trying to move on
But this pain is too great.
I want to just hold my children
Before it's too late.
They say no man knows when it's his time.
But I feel my time is soon going to end.
I could never rest peacefully
If didn't see my beautiful
Children again.
I feel death creeping up on me
I hear it coming on fast.
I just want to spend some time with my children
Before my next breath becomes my last.
So Lord before you take me
Please hear my one small request.
Let me please see my children
Before I take my final rest.
**please hear my prayer