When I was thirteen I overheard a conversation
The police were saying how tragic my story was
Due to the toxicity of what I had seen I would never know the difference between pain and love
Out of all the things to remember my mind chose that
I have never been accussed of loving too much
Because to me love is the most excruciating  thing a person can feel
I guess he was right

Hello.
I'll not bother with the trivialities.
I'll forgo the lingering, longing stares
nix the stuttered words and long-departed trains of thought
skip the goofy, giddy smiles and tangential conversations
and I'll never utter the words,
"I think you're truly beautiful"
because you are,
and because you are
you've heard it all before.

It was a glorious night for a moonlit flight
On Barry my Big Berkshire Boar
Huffing and puffing like flying was nothing
Over the treetops we’d soar

Well I never knew, that other pigs flew
As Darren came circling down
Sat proud on top his Gloucester Old Spot
Wow! What a wonderful sow

I’m sure I can claim that Darren was the same
As his jaw nearly dropped to the ground
For Darren and I, had pigs that could fly
And you don’t really see that around

“Hey your pig flies!” Darren wailed with surprise
“And we only just met for a drink”
“I didn't know you, had a flying pig too
  Just what would the other guys think!?”

So we soon made a pact, with our secret intact
Everything worked out just fine
Now we’re both out at night, when the weather is right
Racing our rare flying swine!

Some times I wonder how I would cope
stranded on an Island sporting a thong made of rope
Not sure what I'd do about my hairy pits
And I've got curly hair so I'm sure I'd get nits
I suppose I could exfoliate with a coconut shell
but the unwanted hair would be absolute hell!

I could go without make up and pretty clothes
and I'd have time to practise my Yoga pose
I would work on my tan, relax and chill
even catch breakfast with my new fishing skills

This actually sounds like a dream to me
so much alone time, just me and the sea
I'd look fab with a tan and a body so ripped
cellulite gone and slender hips
Wearing a grass skirt, feeling it sway
feeling so alive eating my five-a-day!