it's funny how
my most hopeless wish
was to achieve what your cigarettes did
simply to touch your lips

and a cigarette i became
you lit me up
you tasted me

you got your buzz
you stepped on me

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t just been the backseat of your car,
Intoxicated. My first drunk hook up. My first. Period.
I picture myself being champagne on Valentine’s Day.
I picture myself being you, nervous in the car, holding Starbucks
because you know I love coffee. Sometimes, I picture myself as her,
calling you a stalker and ignoring your calls,
but then I see myself. I call you beautiful,
turn you into poetry, laugh at your bad jokes,
I see myself as I become your drunk Wednesday night
when you’re sad. I see myself as I say no,
I become a “this is not a good idea”
and you a “we’ll deal with the consequences in the morning.”
We laugh because this hurts too much.
You take her out for dinner and I burrow money
for Plan B because you forgot you don’t like condoms
and clearly have no idea how children are made.
I have already named him. He has your curls and
my anxiety. He is smart. Except, I never wanted kids and
you would be a great father. Instead, you tell her
the beach reminds you of her and I cry in a McDonald’s
bathroom with my friend as relief floods through me that
the test comes negative. I stop talking to you,
move forward, meet someone new and before long
see myself becoming you. Because isn’t that the cycle?
Bad men turn good women into bad women who turn
good men into bad men. I’ll set him free so he can hurt
someone like me, and I drink red wine as I read her
poems about him and me.

I feel the tinge of pain again.
No ,It  isnt the wounds that hurt ,
But everything else-
The look of sarcasm,                                                                              
The look of disgust,
The silence of loneliness,
The winds of abandonment,
The occasional  frown,
The nameless torture,
The unwanted shameful fame,
The experience of impaired humanity……

As I feel the rope tightening round my neck,
I enjoy the painful bliss;
I pass into the unknown-
Nameless .
Weak.
Stripped of respect ,
Of dignity,
Of all things human.