How do you mourn someone who is still alive?
Some nights I swear I can ******* grief.
Tear stained eyes stare back at my reflection in the mirror.
I wear the ghost of you like a second skin.

Before this I used to feel so raw and ****.

Somewhere along the way I lost my desire to **** the world.

Pleasure turned to pain.

I feel as though I have lost my life force.
I am so angry, I am so sad, I want to scream and tell everyone to “*******.”
None of it is beautiful anymore,
How would you feel if you lost the one thing you used to love most about yourself?

Darling, remind me when it was when you began questioning your voice,
When silence became comfortable.
Remind me when it was that you turned the lights off,
Closed the curtains,
Hid your tears and locked your heart in the basement?

Remind me when it was that you began questioning your worth?
When others began holding your sense of self and validation in your hands;
when they turned around, closed the door and took your identity with them.

Darling, remind me when it was that you forgot that you are the Sun?
You are the rumbling thunder and you are the lightning that opens up and lights the sky on fire.

Remind me when it was that you rolled over in your bed and pulled the covers up over your face.
When you thought that darkness had made a home out of you,
When was it that you thought that Love was not strong enough to push through the crack in your window and find its way to you?

When was it that you thought that you were unworthy of being seen?

Darling, let me remind you to stare at your reflection in the mirror,
To stare at all the parts of you that feel that their worth is a question,
That love is a condition.
Let me remind you to place your hands on your heart and
Return.

That you are Love simply because you are here.
Your ability to access this love is your birthright,
Your right to love is inherent.

Let me remind you that you are wrapped within the wings of the earth.
You are eternally held.

For now, know that the world longs to hear your voice, you are ready to share.
The world longs to see your light,
Believe me when I tell you it’s spectacular to see you shine.

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to miss you forever.

Rock bottom felt like different things throughout my life,
When I was 13 rock bottom felt like a mouth full of *** behind a chapel,
A limbless tiny body in front of an audience slobbering my lines,
Playing two parts,
An act I have been rehearsing my whole life.

When I was 15 rock bottom felt like tearing the hand cut letters of your name off my wall,
It felt like pining after you,
It felt like wanting to be loved so badly,
It felt like having my body pressed up against a sea of people,
None of them you,
None of them caring enough to ask my name,
Looking for love on roof tops covered in cigarette butts.

When I was 17 rock bottom felt like diagnosis,
Hospital beds,
Drowning pain in bottles of *****,
Looking for protection, yet the only cradling I found was paralysis around a toilet seat,
Vomiting up the bad taste that had been sitting in my mouth for years,
It staying there once the sick was gone.

When I was 19 rock bottom felt like suppression,
It felt like not being able to look at myself in the mirror,
It felt like a face everyone loved,
But no one saw.

At 20 rock bottom feels like my body.
It feels like I’m falling and I have no way to get up.
Rock bottom feels like truth,
It feels like doctors appointments with no end,
It feels like IV drips,
And MRI’s trying to search for something to tell them the answers,
Maybe they’re searching for me?
Little do they know I’m a master of disguise,
I’ve succeeded at the art of invisibility and they will never find me,
I’m so good at hiding that I seemed to have lost her too.

Breaking is always made to appear a lot more graceful in novels, poetry and films.

My breaking looks like a dark room in midday,
***** dishes which look too familiar to my insides.
My breaking looks monotonous,
Rehearsed,
Practiced over and over again too many times,
A play I no longer want a part in,
A lead I cannot escape.

Our first time smells like vanilla chai,
I had never been kissed like that before.
I keep waiting for the reality to kick in because I have seen enough to know that this won't last forever.
Life has never tasted so sweet,
Yet felt so painful.
You are honey and morning dew,
I feel as though I am a flower being suckled by your gentle sting.

Our first time smells like vanilla chai,
I had never been kissed like that before.
It feels as though the seeds that had been planted in my spine were waiting for you to blossom.
Never before have I known what it feels like for my body to smile,
Now it seems as if it hasn't stopped.