I look into your eyes and I see galaxies,
There are moon pools,
oceans of star dust,
Speckles of earth, rain and all things beautiful,
When you kiss me it feels like sun beams,
I have been waiting for what feels like forever.
I want to lie on my bed and talk to you until we are no longer bound by time,
I want to stare at your face and watch as the light in the room changes as the sun rises and sets,
All the while we lay and talk,
Your hand in mine.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared,
But for now I will just pull you closer and pretend I’m not.

It feels as though I will always be writing for you,
You who I am yet to meet.
I have a beautiful exterior,
A shell as hard as ice,
Being cold can be beautiful too you know.
I feel as though I have been saving up my insides for you,
I have yet to meet anyone who I let enter.

I feel as though I am waiting for you.
You who I am yet to meet,
You who I already love.
I know that I don't need to rush this,
Yet, sometimes I feel myself yearning.
I know that I will find you,
But it feels as if I am looking for you in all the wrong places.
It feels as though I am learning to be hurt, caged, and suppressed, over and over again,
As if this is all supposed to prepare me for the real thing,
Is there a real thing?

I find myself losing hope,
I find myself pining,
Aching,
Wishing,
I find myself running,
From person to person,
From lips to lips,
From hands to hands,
Eyes to eyes,
Bed sheets to bed sheets,
Swimming,
Drowning.

Sometimes I wonder where you are,
I know you will be curious about me,
You will ask me to recite my entire day for you,
You will ask me what I ate and whether I enjoyed it,
You will bring me flowers without me asking,
You will read my writing without me giving it to you,
You will make me tea,
You will write me letters.

Sometimes I wonder who you are with,
I wonder if they hold you,
If they let you be you,
If they make you feel alive.

I want you to know how much I love you,
How much I will always love you.

***** feet, happy heart,
Rolling on the grass, kissing under the stars,
Your hands on my body make me feel like this is what living is supposed to be,
I've waited all my life to be touched the way you touch me,
To be held,
To be cared for,
To be told I'm beautiful,
I've waited all my life to have someone who sees me as a person, as an individual with thoughts and knowledge rather than just a body,
I've waited all my life to be seen.

Suddenly memories of the abuse start to resurface,
I used to wonder why I could never remember my childhood,
Why my childhood was so surreal,
I remember watching Alice in Wonderland,
Little Red Riding Hood,
Barney,
I seem to remember childhood movies better than I remember my childhood,
I see Alice falling down the rabbit hole,
And my sister being dragged across the kitchen,
I see Red Riding Hood watching otters collect mud,
And I feel as her claws wrap around my arms,
I see Barney singing,
And I hear the bathroom door close with them inside,
I see that Alice is late,
And I see *** on the floor,
I see that Red Riding Hood is late,
And I am lying alone in the dark, calling out for someone
I see Barney singing,
And no one is coming but I keep calling,
I see Alice has lost her way,
And I am screaming but no one can hear,
I see Red Riding Hood and think its granny,
And I am so afraid of the dark,
I see Barney singing,
And no one seems to come for the four year old girl,
I see Alice in the darkness,
I see Red Riding Hood in the darkness,
And I am in the darkness,
Barney is still singing.

You need to be with someone who wants the best for you.

You need to be with someone who makes you a better person, even if it hurts them.

If travelling across the country is what your partner needs to do then you have to let them do it.

If screaming to the world is what your partner needs to do then you need to let them do it.

If staying awake till 5 AM to paint the sunrise is what your partner needs to do then you need to let them do it.

And I am not saying that you need to sacrifice your own happiness for that of your partner, I am saying that in letting them have the freedom to be the person that they want to be you will ultimately have the freedom to be the person that you want to be.

If both people have the freedom to be who they desire then together you will find that freedom.

There is nothing worse than trying to train a wild thing,
Trying to shape an already dried sculpture,
Trying to fix something that is already broken,
Trying to fit a square into a triangle,

Accept that your partner is wild,
That they are a dried sculpture,
That they are broken,
That they are a triangle and you are a square,

And in accepting your differences you will have the freedom to love these differences and express yourself in whatever way you need to.

The worst thing you can do for someone is to keep them in the same place,
To tell them that they cannot fly,
That they cannot jump,
That they cannot run,
That they cannot scream.

The worst thing you can do for someone is to try and mold them to the way that you see them,
To try and shape them,
To change them,

To make a square out of a triangle.

I wish I had a poetic way of saying that I'm really sad,

I could say that the grass inside of me is dying,

I could say that flowers no longer grow out the corners of my mouth,

I could say that my laugh no longer sounds like wind chimes in the spring,

I could even say that never in my life have I made a bad cup of tea yet this morning my tea tasted like acid.

The funny thing about sadness is that you forget what it feels like so quickly when it's gone but when it comes back it feels like it never left,

This sadness feels like it's been there all along and it's been just waiting for a crack in my bones so that it could seep it's way inside of me again.

You see sadness and I always seem to follow each other everywhere. It's as if we have some really sick and unhealthy relationship with one another,

Whenever I smile I can feel sadness mocking me,

And as much as I want to end this relationship between sadness and I, I often feel as though neither of us could survive without the other.

I once had a friend who woke up in the morning next to her ex-boyfriend and an empty ****** rapper on the floor,
Her ex-boyfriend turned over to her and whispered through dagger like teeth,
"You're on the pill right?"
I once had a friend who did not remember what happened,
A friend who would drink till her pain would go away and black out on the bathroom floor while I would stick my finger down her throat just so that she could feel alive again,
I once had a friend who woke up in the morning next to her ex-boyfriend and an empty ****** rapper on the floor,
Her ex-boyfriend turned over to her and whispered through dagger like teeth,
"The ****** might have broke"
I once had a friend who would drink until she could not see, who would drink until the darkness in her heart would match the darkness of the room,
I once had a friend who was blamed for this,
I had a friend who was told that she should learn her lesson,
That she should take control of her life,
That she shouldn't drink so much,
That she should realize her mistakes,
And in the same breath no one said anything to him,
No one told him that he should not have touched the unconscious girl,
That he should not have touched the girl who was too drunk to say "no,"
I once knew a girl who was blamed and isolated for not knowing what happened while the boy got away as if he did nothing wrong.