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Jan 2018
Rock bottom felt like different things throughout my life,
When I was 13 rock bottom felt like a mouth full of *** behind a chapel,
A limbless tiny body in front of an audience slobbering my lines,
Playing two parts,
An act I have been rehearsing my whole life.

When I was 15 rock bottom felt like tearing the hand cut letters of your name off my wall,
It felt like pining after you,
It felt like wanting to be loved so badly,
It felt like having my body pressed up against a sea of people,
None of them you,
None of them caring enough to ask my name,
Looking for love on roof tops covered in cigarette butts.

When I was 17 rock bottom felt like diagnosis,
Hospital beds,
Drowning pain in bottles of *****,
Looking for protection, yet the only cradling I found was paralysis around a toilet seat,
Vomiting up the bad taste that had been sitting in my mouth for years,
It staying there once the sick was gone.

When I was 19 rock bottom felt like suppression,
It felt like not being able to look at myself in the mirror,
It felt like a face everyone loved,
But no one saw.

At 20 rock bottom feels like my body.
It feels like I’m falling and I have no way to get up.
Rock bottom feels like truth,
It feels like doctors appointments with no end,
It feels like IV drips,
And MRI’s trying to search for something to tell them the answers,
Maybe they’re searching for me?
Little do they know I’m a master of disguise,
I’ve succeeded at the art of invisibility and they will never find me,
I’m so good at hiding that I seemed to have lost her too.
Rebecca Shain
Written by
Rebecca Shain  Cape Town, South Africa
(Cape Town, South Africa)   
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