i wished to fit in
my dress and
now it hangs
off of my
chest.

Waiting for that special person
To come and save you,
Is that how this
Works?

Oh sweetheart,
If I've realized anything it is that
nobody can save you but
Yourself.

Do not rely on the
Eyes that give you lies
And say they love you.

Do not rely on the
Lips that touch you in
All the wrong places.

Do not rely on the
Person you thought would
Love you forever dear.

Save yourself before it is too late
Because the end is near.

I just woke up,
Actually
I never fell asleep.
My nightmares kept me awake
Of things that seem to deep.

I was cutting off my skin,
Slitting off the pain.
I was jumping from a building,
Hoping to feel sane.

I was throwing up my dinner,
Heaving felt like fires.
I was bleeding in the bathroom floor,
Blood pouring out all of my desires.

I was running away,
A man was chasing me.
He pinned me down,
Took of my pants,
And started thrusting.

I'll never understand my dreams,
Only what they mean so,
I'm certainly not scared of dying,
But only of the way that it would go.

I would want to live a long life,
Die of old age, or as a martyr.
Not from ****,
Cutting till death,
Of anything of that sort.
I want to die,
Because I've lived
To much.
I want to be worthy,
Of eternal living.

Because one life isn't enough.

Silly me for thinking
I** could be part of you.
Losing people is
Like being sane and
Yes I do mean "normal."

Maybe if I was "normal" then
Even I could be loved.

He denied the fact that
He touched me.
How can you just
Pretend
That it never happened?

I have the images
burned
Into not just my mind,
But my soul too.

You can't just forget something like
That.

society said no;
      i let go.

You slipped down
Inside my
Soul
And hid a part
Of me that
Once was
W h o l e.

He pretends like
he doesnt know me
Yet his sneaky looks
tell me
he cares.

When you look at her,
You crack a smile.
When you look at me,
You look right through.
I'm sure you know,
How I feel.
But when she comes by,
I mustn't be real.
Do I mean a single thing?
In your heart do I have a place?

I wish I knew.

How does one know when they are in love?
To find that one special person
And to complete the other
Fully one,
together.

But when you look at her,
I disappear.
I wasn't ever real
Am I at all?

I wish I knew.

I was at the outlet mall and
I was happy, even excited.
I was happy to see smiling faces,
bright eyed kids,
the elderly hand in hand.
I was happy.
Until my Mom and Sister decided to
rain on my parade and tell me that
I really need to get a grip on life,
to stop being so rude and
to be more Catholic and to
get better grades and to
lose more weight.
Like they said,
I should probably
start counting
calories.

Okay, sure,
no worries.
I'm not already constantly
thinking about sticking a
finger down my throat to
make me skinnier or
to stop eating all
together.

Nope,
why would I do
that?

I'm not saying I will,
but I'm not saying I
haven't.

I just wish they'd understand that
words get to me and
that maybe I'm not as strong as
they think I might be and that
what they say
stays in my mind
forever.

By the way,
I've lost about
6 pounds.

Yippie.

My doctor said I
Can't work out this week.
Not that I did
Last week or
The week before that but
I don't know,
I kind of wanted to
Start a trend for
Myself.
Maybe eat a bit less (or not at all)
And
I don't know,
Be skinner (or just 60 pounds less).

What would I be then?
85 pounds?

For some reason
That doesn't sound skinny
Enough.

i touchdown into the
warm water and breath in
the vanilla scented air.
it looms over me and for
once i feel serenity.
the cuts burn though
as i try to undo what
has already been done and
the serenity is now gone
and so is the
vanilla scented air.
it went away as did my
confidence and the best idea
came to me as i
finished bathing
but i can't tell,
its a secret.

the smile you give me
leaves me hanging
on the whim that is us
and i cannot let go
because you and i
are a beautiful
thing.

in spanish we were
conjugating verbs-
hablar=halbo
(if you want it to
mean 'I talk')
hablas if you
want it to mean
He/She/It talks.
and so on.

by the third infinitve,
my mind completely
d     r     i f     t   e           d
by then.

at that time,
i thought of your eyes
and how they light
up the room.
i thought of your smile,
and how you make
me swoon.
i thought of
the words youve
said and
how many countless
times ive fell
for you.

and yet,
i come running back.
it seems like its the
only thing i
know how to
do.

her knees are soft and bruised.
I have done nothing to make this happen,
they bruise from the inside out
and it creates this painfully beautiful spectrum of
purples, blues, and greens.
she is a painfully beautiful canvas that I
constantly paint on.
I realize that she is strong in this sense,
She says no when need be,
And begs please.. when she can't wait anymore.
I am her brush and I am ready to paint her.

As You lay on me
I sigh
Cause
Even though playing with your hair
Is fun,
It's not enough.
I mean,
I desire to be with you
I mean,
be with you.
Not just talk to you and
Make silly jokes
But
To kiss your lips while you're laughing
And
To hold your hand while reading my favorite book.
To hear you sing even when you think you sound funny
And to tell you that you look beautiful over and over
Again.

Every day is
The same--
Cold, dry
and empty
inside.

love would be easier
if it made you happy
all the time.

love would be easier
if hiding was just a game
instead of a constant battle.

love would be easier
if I could keep that smile of yours
to always reach the stars.

love would be easier
if thoughts of death
did not bombard both of our minds.

love would be easier
if I could **** your demons
that I cannot see.

love would be easier
if you would let me in
so I could help you heal.

love would be easier
if I could let go of the past
and realize that my future is right before me.

love would be easier
if I could taste you constantly
instead of lying here alone.

love would be easier
if I never said hello
after all, everything ends, right?

please don't go.

I came in like a child.
You didn't notice me as I
threw colored markers towards your desk.
You smiled, pulled down your glasses slightly and said,
"Whoever you are, do know that I am licensed to ****."
And I couldn't help but giggle and pop out from behind the door.
He smiled and I walked over to him, slightly touching the things on his desk,
and just asking how he was, to which he said he was "terrible".
I asked why but then I realized how busy he seemed so I said,
"I am so sorry, you seem busy. I'll come by later."
And as I walked away he stopped me and said,
"Rach, you aren't doing anything wrong. I just... I have a lot of work to get done and having you around is wonderful, but I tend to get... distracted. Do come by later though, Alright?"
And I smiled and said of course.

I left, not sure of how to feel. I didn't expect to get into a big conversation or anything, but
I just kind of... Missed him.

Maybe the feeling is right... maybe it is wrong. But, what am I even feeling?

Happy birthday to me
In a hotel room all alone
The demons in my head need
Something sharp so
Take me home.

I hiked today.
And I mean I
actually climbed the
Rockies today.
It was so refreshing and
beautiful.
It was different.
I think I like it
here.

i guess i relasped
i mean,
it wasn't like i made another
40 lines but
i made another 3
and in the end
it all adds up anyways,
right?

mhm, yes, touch me there!*
Said my mind when he accidentally brushed his
Hand with mine.
more please more!
Said my mind as he looked so deeply
Into my eyes.
i feel something so beautiful for you
Says my heart every time I say your name.
i wish you felt the same
Says my lips every time you pass me by.

I have a notebook I
Write in everyday.
Poetry and songs
Even your name
Somehow gets twisted in
The words I write.

What will it take for you to
notice me?

I wish the same for
You too.

I could feel every single color
known to man and I could
hear even the slightest creak
in the floor that night.
Even with Pink Floyd
blaring in the background,
I could still feel every bone
inside of me vibrate and the
walls began to move and it
was euphoric, the way air
blowing across your face felt
like a storm raging across
your dark room. Your touch
felt even more electric and I
couldn't tell if I was calm or
excited or just completely in
love with you.

I think you were getting
annoyed with me, but I can't
really remember. I just remember
colors and laughing and wanting
to reach for the stars more than
I already do. I just remember not
wanting anything more than that
moment, because the feelings I
felt were perfect and the sight I
held of you was perfect and
everything was absolutely
perfect.

my dreams came true
, not for me,
but for you.

you cant exactly see my
scars.
theyre thin white lines
across my wrist.
barely even visible.
but, the tanner i become
the more visible they
are.

they are the stories of my
desperation.
the lies i listened to.
the thoughts inside of
my head.
the fear
the hate
the love
they are my heart
ripped open over and
over again till more and
more blood pours.

these thin white lines
are me even when i
dont want them to be.

i wish i could give him
a close up.

every time i see you, i feel as if i can take on the whole world.
you make my insides burst with the flitters of butterflies
and you make my smile touch the edge of space and
my laugh bubbles in the entirety of the air
surrounding us.

because of you, i feel hope rise in my chest.
you're like a whole new universe that i get to explore.
my fingertips caress the blackholes and supernovas you possess
and your eyes are a new experience in themselves,
like wormholes ready to take you to a far-away galaxy
every single time you look into them.

your hands are foreigners to my body.
they know not were to start or to end,
but they still are.
they know what to do as if they were programmed to
feel the vibrations on the soft skin of my back and
the tenderness i have everywhere around.

you could give me a million new words
and i'd spend countless hours trying to decipher them
with this newfound knowledge that you have given me.
how much do you know in that beautiful mind of yours?
how many brain cells do you possess,
you beautiful, intangible being?

your words keep me strong,
they keep me alive.
my heart beats stronger because of you, too.
every single fiber of my being feels stronger and healthier
and more in love with every cell that i possess.
because of you, i feel more alive than i ever have.

your touch is still so soft even with your resilient hands.
your eyes are like the eighth wonder of the world.
they soften my heart with the dips i take into their deep blue
oceans and the sea-foam green splashing inside of them.
and your lips could speak a thousand incoherent words and
i'd still smile because they were coming from your beautiful mouth.

because of you, i am falling in love with myself.
i'm not sure that i've ever done that before.
but i know this feeling inside of my chest and
while i am infatuated with you,
i am falling in love with me.
and that's more than i could ever hope for.

so thank you, my dear, for being this unknown universe that i
get to explore and for being someone who can help me
fall in love with myself.

i used to think that you were a gift from God.
after all, you came around after i was saved.
i used to use you in my testimony, too.
i never believed them when they said the Devil was testing me.
i had given in quite a few times to him.
but i never, not even for a second, believed that you were
anything but God-given.

what are you now?
a story i'll tell my children when they ask about
the many photos i have of us?
a tall-tale about love that i ruined with my
blackened heart and tarnished promises?
a lost girl with eyes of gold?
advice i'll give to those whom ask about our time together in relation
to their own problems?

my promise still stands.
i won't **** myself.
i have tried enough times to now that
i can't even do that much right.
but i was never going to **** myself over your words
or your actions.
i wanted to die because of myself
and the choices I've made in my own life that
have nothing to do with you.
I've made more mistakes than you could ever know,
leigh.
ones that nobody know about.

i think what is important is the betterment of myself
and of all.
and i don't believe that my death with help.
maybe you do,
but i do not.
i believe my life is worth a lot more than that,
for my God tells me so.

you can try to choke me with your words
and you can wish death upon me
and even declare that meeting me was the
most unluckiest thing that has ever happened in your life.
but just know that all I've ever wanted for you was the best.
and that means that the chapter of you in my life is now over,
because what is best for you is not me.
we should've known that a long time ago.
maybe we did,
but we just didn't want to say it out loud.

so have the best.
live a happy life.
be the best you can be.
smile, laugh, and learn from the unlucky chapter in your life that was
me.

that's all i can say.
i still believe that you were God-given,
you know.
like i said, i never once believed that you weren't.
so take your God-given gifts and love with all of your might.

you've taught me so much,
and i'll forever be grateful for the time you were in my life.
even though you don't feel the same about me.

I remember the time you came over.
You stayed for the weekend
We sat on my bed
Ate all kinds of food
Listened to the radio
And talked about everything.
Girls,
Boys,
Dreams,
Desires,
Nightmares,
Souls,
God,­
The Devil,
Heaven,
Hell
And everything inbetween.
I remember when my sister bursted in
Through the door
We were being silent
Just looking at each other
My heart was racing
I wanted to grab your face and
Kiss you.
I'm not sure what you were
Thinking about,
But it seemed like you were thinking the same.

I remember how she turned up the music
Because a song came on.
They both knew the words
And I sat there,
Mesmerized
By the way your lips moved so
Rhythmically
To the words
How they just flowed out of your lips.
I remember how your
Eyes were closed
So you could really take in the song.
You started smiling
The song made you laugh
You have every reason to be happy.

I think I now notice why the Album to that song is called "Recovery".
Even though it may be about drugs or even getting out of some sort of trouble,
To me it means being recovered from love,
Because love can be so easy--
And a hard hitter
When it's sitting right in front of you
Singing beautifully to a song
You've never even tried to like before.

they said that
it'll be okay
but everytime i
look into your eyes
i drown in the
ocean i dare to
swim in.

Seeing you is
Different now.
I can imagine
Tears rolling
D
   O
      W
          N
Your rosy cheeks
And
You pushing back your
Gelled hair frantically.
You're scared;
Not for yourself
But for me.
You're scared
Because you care about
Me.

You hate seeing your
Little girl so
Fragile;
So broken.

You've only known
Her as strong,
Independent,
And kind.
She only cries cause
She's emotionally
Unbalanced
But
The real reason is that
She fights her
Demons
And nobody knows.

you're the one I want at the end of the day

I was sitting at a wedding
Tonight.
Watching everyone laugh
Smile
And take pictures of the night.
I looked around,
Even got up,
Walked to the door
And sighed.
I wanted to walk outside and
Get hit by the Black Sonata
Heading my way.

Just as I was heading out the door
The Pastor grabbed my shoulder
And asked me if I was okay.
I told him I wasn't sure.
He told me to sit down,
Pray,
And see why God was up for saving me.

Instead I just went to the bathroom and
Tried not to throw up everything I ate.

1 am
Woke up and looked at you to make sure you were still there. We couldn't sleep next to each other, so I had no idea if you would still be on the sofa next to mine, sleeping soundlessly in the dark of the living room.
2 am
I woke up again and looked over. You were now sleeping on your side to where I could see your face. Very little light from the crescent moon hit your face and highlighted all of my favorite parts of you--Your nose, your eyes, and your oh-so-kissable lips. I smiled and found sleep waiting for me again.
3 am
I look up and you are still breathing. I smile and fall into yet another dreamless oblivion.
4 am
I awaken to myself gasping for air, and clenching onto the covers tightly. I look up at the chandelier and take a moment before I look at you to make sure you are still okay. Just breathe.Right, now I can look I turned over and all I could see were your legs, which hung over the side of the sofa. Your soft porcelain legs looked quite cold. I took a moment to appreciate your soft legs before I pull your cover down a bit. You held on tightly and softly said, "Rach..." before I smiled and let go. I slowly put my head down again and fell asleep once more.
5 am
I remember waking up again, but this time I couldn't see your face, so I just feel asleep once more.
6 am
Woke up, but I decided not to check. I could hear your breaths instead, which is the only reason I was able to fall asleep.
7 am
I woke up, checked again, and feel asleep... again.
8 am
I awoke to the sound of my phone buzzing and my friend telling me she had to throw up again (poor girl, it's her birthday) and I looked over and saw you there. I looked for another minute, and then feel asleep one last time.
8:26 am
I awoke and it took me a moment to register why everyone was awake now. It is so early and I am so tired. I decided to look over at you, but you weren't there. I couldn't process that you weren't there in my mind, so instead I looked around frantically. They asked if I knew where you went? and I shook my head. They looked upstairs, in the bathroom, and even the bedroom we put all of our things in. Finally they found you lying on the extra bed with your phone in hand. I walked in and knelt down to kiss you on the head. You were awake and silent. I smiled, said I loved you and went back to the kitchen to start making breakfast.
8:40 am**
You came in the kitchen and smiled at me. Your hair was everywhere and your eyes looked tired. All I wanted right then was to swoop you up and kiss you passionately. But, sadly I did not. I kept stirring the pancake mix and pretended that none of this, nothing of you, make me completely and utterly insane inside.

The butterflies kept flapping and the fish inside of me kept swimming and every single part of me ached to have you next to me. I smiled as I made the pancakes and for some reason, I felt as if it were just the both of us there together. You sitting on the chair smiling at me and me pouring the mix into the pan. It felt like the perfect morning, even with all of my other friends here as well.

I laughed today.
Like a genuine laugh
Like a real laugh.
It was so wonderful,
I was actually sort of happy.
Thank you for that,
It was nice.

My essay is about you.
You're flattered I guess.
It seems to me that
You're my
Hero,
That you're my
Best.

she's coming spend the night
tomorrow and i just can't wait.
we used to have crushes on
each other but now she
has a girlfriend and
i've missed my
chance.

is it bad that i still hope she might
want to kiss me?

I had a fantastic dream last night:
Instead of just kissing the
Top of your head I
Dared to kiss your forehead,
Go lower,
Kiss the tip of your nose,
Go lower and stop.
I laughed a bit,
Smiled and knew I was a goner.
But then
Sonething weird happened.
I saw your eyes searching me
And
You simply told me,
"kiss me"
I looked at you,
Astonished,
And said,
"Really?"
You smiled and kept pleading me to do so,
So I took your face and
Grabbed it smoothly,
You puckered your lips and
I gently put mine
Onto yours

I remember how you
Tasted in that dream-
Alot like strawberries (I'm not find of strawberries
But they tasted good mixed with you)
And you were so sweet.
so sweet.

I missed that chance though,
I wish it could've happened.

He came over for the day.
I thought it'd be nice to
see him again
considering that he
likes me...
a lot.

I took him to Church with me
and then to my aunts party.
We sat and talked most of
the time and honestly,
it was nice.

I found out really deep things about
him and he found out some
things about me.

I guess you can say we have a
"connection" because
I'm the only person he's ever
told that much of
his life to.

I think I like him,
especially since he
held my hand in the
car that night while
I brought him home.
He knew I needed
someone and he
was there.

Thanks sweetheart.
Baby, you're the
*best.

Black is the absence of color
And black is me.
Not literally, but
My soul is
Nonexistent because
It's black.
And black is the
Absense of color.

I'm afraid of falling
To deep for you.
I'm scared of how
This might end.
I'm afraid I might have never
Really loved you.
I'm scared that I
Might not be able to control myself
Around you.
I'm afraid I might not
Be real.
I'm scared that you
Might not be either.
I'm afraid that my
Nightmares might
Come true.
I'm scared that you might
Want them to come true.
I'm afraid we might not
Be friends anymore.
I'm also scared that
You don't want me in anyway
Anymore.
Not just 'girlfriend' wise (which would never happen anyway but I keep my hopes up)
But in a friend way.
Even an acquaintance way.
That we might just forget each other and
Not remember everything we've been through.

I can't lose you.

I put on that fake smile
Hoping someone would notice.
Hoping someone would care.
But the people that seem to fall into my life
Never really do.

He's called me by so many names.
rach
rachel
R
honey
sweetheart
dear
darling
­babe
sweety
love
And many others that just
Roll around in my mind
All. Day. Long.

They are names he shouldn't
Call me but he does because
He loves me.

But, sweetheart, in what way do you
Mean to say you love me?
In what way do you desire me
To be with you?
This question burns the very part of
My soul that I can't seem to
Repair.