I was trying my best to explain
just how I've been feeling lately.
It is confusing to feel that
you want to be alone,
because around others
you feel lonely.
And feeling lonely
is less than desirable.
So how do I cure this
type of loneliness?
Do I just work through it
and try my best to ignore the feeling
of being lonely?
Or do I allow myself to spend time
in solitude and to figure out
exactly who I am without all of the
parts of you attached?
I'm not sure what to do.
But I guess I'll just keep going with the tides,
they seem to know the way better than
I do.

Why am I hurting when I've obviously
Been blessed.
Can someone make me strong?
Because I seem to be so
weak and upset.

I went to sleep thinking of you.
I dreamed of you.
I woke up thinking of you,
Smiling because of you.
Just because of you,
Today feels new.

God, she's my antidote and I
Need her real bad.

Every time I go to this
Wonderful store I
Spend a lot of
Money.
But, since the first day I
Went, this one guy named
John was the one who
Greeted me.
He welcomed me in,
Made a nice conversation and
Even dared to look me in the
Eyes.

I noticed how often I
Go there now and
I understand that
I only go there to
See him and that
Warm smile
Of his.

I saw you today and that
Smiled seemed to
Change everything.

I wish I knew your name though.

and what is it like, dear?
being so in love,
being so convinced that she is all you desire,
that i am not enough to even be close to you anymore?

i wont.
i wont make another
passage in my
skin like i
used to.
i wont allow the
blade to control me
again over someone.
i wont let myself
get to where i
was just a
few months ago
because being who
i was isn't who i
want to be
now.

ive finally started caring
again and even though
it hurts sometimes,
the pain isn't as
bad as it was when
i had nothing left
inside.

i want to deconstruct everything i have always known about myself in hopes that ill find something worth saving

I can't wait to
Jump in front of
You and show you how
Amazing I did on
The test you helped
Me with.

I can't wait to
Tell you how
Grateful Iam
That you were
Teaching me on
The side.

I can't wait to
Just be by you
Because you make me
Feel like I'm
Important and
That I'm loved and
Needed.

I can't wait.

I believe
Everyone
Deserves a chance.
No matter what
Race
Culture
Sexuality
Gender;
Everyone does.
Even if
Bad people do
Bad things,
Does that really make them
Bad?

You can't
judge
A person
From one look.
It's not fair.

I bet when people
Look at your wrists,
They think you're a
monster
For cutting your skin.

You do as well.

But I'll kiss your
Scars
If you'd let me.

In the bible
They say death
Is a lie but
If I'm already
Dead then
Why should I
Even care?

Oh Doctor,
You have been so kind.
I'll be going back to you soon
For you to check up on me
again.
I'm not complaining,
Because he makes me laugh oh so much.
He's great.
I giggle and laugh as he
Hits my knee with that thingy and
Does his regular routine check.
He started tearing up as I
Told him about my thoughts
And he understood and
Even listened.
I told him how sad I've been
And how empty I am.
How much I
Want to not be here anymore.
How I've even cut
Because of everything.
But then he grabbed my hand
Told me everything was going to be better
And asked, "do you have a plan?"
I smiled, said no.
Because it's true,
I don't.
I wanted to but
I didn't and that's how he knew.
That's how he knew that
Maybe I'm not fully
Afraid of living.

how can i miss something
or someone that i've
never had?

i'm pretty ****
good at it,
if you ask
me.

I could go tonight, I still have the ticket and I still have a reason to go. But why would I do that to myself? Would it do anything to me? When you are around, I don't feel anything. Not anger, nor jealousy. Just there. I feel almost completely separated from you, which is wonderful. But at the same time, you still slightly tug on my heart. Ray, you care about her. She'll always be your first love. Yes, I'll always care about her and she'll always be my first love. Maybe I'll always love her. But not in the same way, never in the same way. We've both changed, whether it be for the good or the bad, I cannot tell. But I do not love her, but I do care and I hope she stays safe tonight.

Everybody's worried but
Nobody's concerned.
There's a difference,
And I wish you were
Both.

I noticed that something has
Truly changed when I didn't
Pray this morning nor
Pledged the flag.
I used to believe in God and
Our nation but it's been
Something I seem to lag lately.

You remind me of the sunset
You come up
In my windows
Shining so bright
Then you fall back
Down
Right back into the night.

I saw what I wanted to see instead of what was right in front of me.

kissing you is so beautiful.

i cried in therapy today
while telling her that i
hate that nothing bad has
happened to him yet--
He still has his phone and
his life while i'm caged up
Like some animal and
cant have anybody i love or
care about with me
anymore.

and I love his enthusiasm. I never appreciated him until now.

i look like a lady
but i think like a man
and i guess in this relationship
ill probably be a little bit of both
the things i want to do in bed
are definitely not too girly
but i know that you'd enjoy
the feeling of being touched
and licked
and loved.

but, im still a lady
ill put out your chair
and be as gentle as i can
and the kisses ill give you
will be as sweet as sugar.
ill wear perfume
and my dresses will
hug my hips
and my neck will taste like
love.

ill be everything you need.
from intelligent, to lover,
to just someone you want to
listen to music with,
ill be everything you deserve.

Its been a year today,
And while you've been gone
I've looked at your picture on my mirror everyday.
When you died,
Something happened to me.
I went to back to my classroom after they told me
and took a pair of scissors from my teachers desk.
Nobody saw, nobody would know.
And I walked to the bathroom as calmly as I could,
And I went to the last stall,
And locked it.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around at the beige colored tiles
and I couldn't catch my own breath anymore.
Everything seemed so bleak.
I asked myself, "I wonder if he regrets it?"
But alas, no answer.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
Before I went into the bathroom,
I was sobbing
And playing out whether or not I should run out of the building
And get hit by oncoming traffic.
I decided against it.
Not because I wanted to live,
But because my best friend was holding onto me
And my blackened tears were already stained onto her shirt.
I couldn't leave like that.
No, I would do it later
Even my own girlfriend didn't make me happier.
But that's the thing,
You cant fill a hole in your heart with another person.
It only works for a little while,
And alas, I was still so depressed.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I wore makeup that day,
And my teacher took her antidepressants
in front of me.
She wouldn't tell me why,
Because then she would have started sobbing.
But I knew his empty seat was
so much more than an physical absence that day.
Something felt different in the air,
And it was so cold.
You could feel it everywhere,
Even before everyone knew.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
As I looked down at my wrist,
I pressed down to where i had made lines only just a few days before.
I needed more lines,
I deserved more lines.
Somehow I made everything that happened into my own fault.
And I cut once,
And twice,
And then I stooped.
I looked up and heard some girls calling for me,
Some girls I didn't really know,
But they were concerned.
As they started towards the stall I was in,
I scrambled to hide the scissors.
I was so ashamed.
I rolled down my sleeves,
And opened the stall door.
As they opened their arms,
I wept.
I had cried so much that day,
I wasn't sure I was 70 percent water anymore.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around as I followed them into another classroom.
And I talked with my friends.
And I made up the saying "Juan is light" in Spanish.
And that day,
I had made a promise to not only myself,
But you.
I would never harm myself again.
And today, I am proud to say that no matter how hard life has been
(especially of late)
And how much I've wanted to see the blood drip
from my wrists,
I have kept my promise.
And I plan on keeping of forever for you, Juan.
I hope everything is okay whenever you may be,
Thank you for everything.
You will always be remembered.

daddy's little girl
yeah right.
daddy can barely call his
little girl back.
she's desperate for him too.
guess he has better things to do.
or even better,
another family with
more important kids than
you.

god, I have daddy issues
don't I?

You know you're in love when
you see her dancing to
Nat King Cole and
you feel like you
were mean't to be doing
the jive with her in a
different decade.

You're defensive.
And I get it.
The way I
Look into your eyes is
Not the same as I
Look into his.
The way he
Kisses my cheek and says,
"Hello!"
Is different from the time you
Cried and
I kissed you on the
Top of your head.

It's not the same.
For him it's lust. But
For you,
Well,
To be honest,
I am in love with you.

But I'm trying so hard not to be.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
This is something that I've been wanting
I just want to make sure that your love for me
Has not ceased.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
You make me weak and make my heart flutter
What have I done to make myself that your heart
May freeze?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
keep telling me that you love me
For if I keep shaking ill
Break my knees.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
When you don't show me affection you
Make me feel like I may
have fleas.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
Don't you know that I can feel you everywhere
From the sun on my skin to my hair
In the breeze?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
Just please please please
Write me a love poem.

been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,
Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!

I can see strings in my mind
right when I close my eyes I
can see them in a magnificent
spectrum, the spectrum of colors
and light and everything that
ever was and ever will be
in this spectrum of beautiful
strings that play like a violin
across all of time and space.
I can see all things that are
finite and the things that are not.
Can others see this spectrum as well?
Can they feel the way the strings
are picked at and hear the beautiful
music that comes from them?
Do they even understand?
These strings connect everything
and they are not just limited to
time and space; *We are all connected.

Stop ******* saying I'm mad
I said I was cool with it.
You're making this a big deal when
I'm being chill about it.
I've had enough problems in my life lately and
I'm not letting this get to me.
Those feelings and nightmares are for
At night, not now.
So, lets stay friends,
I'm sick of fighting.
I gave up and
You let someone in.
I'm proud of you.
I just am selfish and
Wish that it wasn't him.

At first we were just Di--
(Two)
But then we became Mono--
(One)
And we started to be Syn--
(Together).
You talk to me like you need me,
kind of like how you need Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and the other 10 elements in our bodies.
You say that I matter.
Not just because I have mass and I take up space,
but because I'm wonderful...special...adorkable.
I said our bond is like a covalent bond. We just share with one another.
It's not ionic, we don't just give and take.
And you said we're not an H-Bond,
because our bond isn't weak.
I said if we were a reaction,
We'd be a synthesis reaction.
Because we were once separate and
now we've became one. (A + B--->C)
You said that you hope we would never be like a decomposition reaction.
Because they we wouldn't be together. (A--->B + C)
And you also said that this feeling is like combustion, that you just might explode!
I laughed at that, because I don't understand how you feel, and I also cannot tell if it's just a part of these jokes we share or maybe something more.
You say "Maybe" like there is, but
you also say "One day" like I'll know you forever.
I guess it's just up to me to say,
"Who knows, not me."

you say you love me through drunken dialed phone calls at 5 in the morning and I can't say it back. I just don't want to give you something that I know I lack. If I had the love you deserved then maybe I'd be the one for you. But I am crimson and you are green and together we create a different hue.

I was sitting in class today
My eyes drifted for a second
You were laughing,
Everyone was laughing
I tried to
But
Nothing came out.

I looked around
Sighed even
And thought to myself
nobody would care if I were gone.

I sighed again
And
Turned to you.
You were smiling and I was glad
You were happy
I'm grateful for that at least.
That's all I ask for
Your happiness
But I won't lie
When I say that I was jealous
Because she made you laugh
And I couldn't even muster
Up a word.

the medicine is kicking in, my mind is numbing once again

a few days ago
someone decided to go and repost an old poem about you
and it had been a long time since I had even thought of that day
but, I guess since I've been thinking about it,
I may as well write about it.

I had reserved the night for us, and sadly my sister tagged along.
It was still so wonderful though, it truly was.
You drank your first tea that night, i had been your first for many things.
And we wanted to figure out the mystery, to discover the clues.
But it was so hard to think of anything other than you.
Your hair was incredibly straight, flowing beautifully past your angelic shoulders.
Your eyes were covered with a black shimmering powder, and you looked so enticing.
You laughed so beautifully, everything you did was beautiful.
You wore a black skirt, a black camisole, and a see through shirt with lace. Yes, i still remember.
I don't really know how I remember, but I guess memories start to come back when you least expect them to.
Your smile that night was stunning, as per usual.
And you made me realize that night just how beautiful I truly was.
I remember making love to you that night, it was sweet and quick and we were exhausted. It was full of sloppy kisses and masked moans and pants. We laughed a bit, because we really weren't in the mood. But the cuddling we did afterwards, now that is something I'll truly never forget. I loved the way my hand always seemed to fit perfectly in the space between your hip and stomach, like we were missing puzzle pieces.
and I remember realizing that I was falling for you all over again that night. But with falling, comes crashing. And I truly made that painfully clear in the few weeks to follow.
"Your lips touched the cup gracefully, just like they when they kiss my lips. And my heart grew immensely when I realized I was falling in love with you all over again."
I miss those lips of yours sometimes. They always knew when I was in need of you. Do they still know? Can they still tell? Probably not.
44 weeks ago, we went on this date. And 41 weeks ago, I did something so awful that I still have a hard time conjuring up the words to describe it. I am truly sorry for what I did, please understand.
"I applaud you, darling, for making everything I do and live for seem so important... And for loving me while I fall in love with you
over and over again."
I guess it's easy to forget when you have someone new, right?
I never thought you'd be the first to break my heart, though.