Its been a year today,
And while you've been gone
I've looked at your picture on my mirror everyday.
When you died,
Something happened to me.
I went to back to my classroom after they told me
and took a pair of scissors from my teachers desk.
Nobody saw, nobody would know.
And I walked to the bathroom as calmly as I could,
And I went to the last stall,
And locked it.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around at the beige colored tiles
and I couldn't catch my own breath anymore.
Everything seemed so bleak.
I asked myself, "I wonder if he regrets it?"
But alas, no answer.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
Before I went into the bathroom,
I was sobbing
And playing out whether or not I should run out of the building
And get hit by oncoming traffic.
I decided against it.
Not because I wanted to live,
But because my best friend was holding onto me
And my blackened tears were already stained onto her shirt.
I couldn't leave like that.
No, I would do it later
Even my own girlfriend didn't make me happier.
But that's the thing,
You cant fill a hole in your heart with another person.
It only works for a little while,
And alas, I was still so depressed.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I wore makeup that day,
And my teacher took her antidepressants
in front of me.
She wouldn't tell me why,
Because then she would have started sobbing.
But I knew his empty seat was
so much more than an physical absence that day.
Something felt different in the air,
And it was so cold.
You could feel it everywhere,
Even before everyone knew.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
As I looked down at my wrist,
I pressed down to where i had made lines only just a few days before.
I needed more lines,
I deserved more lines.
Somehow I made everything that happened into my own fault.
And I cut once,
And twice,
And then I stooped.
I looked up and heard some girls calling for me,
Some girls I didn't really know,
But they were concerned.
As they started towards the stall I was in,
I scrambled to hide the scissors.
I was so ashamed.
I rolled down my sleeves,
And opened the stall door.
As they opened their arms,
I wept.
I had cried so much that day,
I wasn't sure I was 70 percent water anymore.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around as I followed them into another classroom.
And I talked with my friends.
And I made up the saying "Juan is light" in Spanish.
And that day,
I had made a promise to not only myself,
But you.
I would never harm myself again.
And today, I am proud to say that no matter how hard life has been
(especially of late)
And how much I've wanted to see the blood drip
from my wrists,
I have kept my promise.
And I plan on keeping of forever for you, Juan.
I hope everything is okay whenever you may be,
Thank you for everything.
You will always be remembered.

there are parts of you left growing around me. in this sea of green and blue, I add salt in places so you cannot grow there anymore. I'm tired of seeing weeds in places sunflowers used to grow and where roses used to overflow, but all that's left are thorns and dead flowers that wish for someone else to water them. I can't water you anymore... you were never mine to take care of or to help grow. you're a lovely flower and all you deserve is the purest water in the world to help you to grow, and I just could never be the one to give it to you. my water is too toxic, too deadly, and too deficient of all the vitamins and the nutrients that you need to help you to flourish. and for that, I'm sorry. I know that I flooded you with my toxic water and I let myself choke you with my wrongdoings and my ignorance, and I know I can't make up for it, but you're a flower and you need to grow and I know, we all know, that in order for a flower to grow, it has to be nourished in the right manner. I wish I wouldn't have overwatered you with my toxic water, little flower, but it's time to go grow somewhere new. because my garden needs to be renewed and there's just simply nothing more that I can do for you.
*(it'll just hurt more if you stay in places where you're not meant to flourish anymore)

I'm still listening.
The voices are
Telling me things.
my voice screams at them and
Trys to reason with them.
she should be dead
i should live, shouldn't I?
youre ugly, fat, and a ***, you're a disgrace to mankind
but I could help
youre worthless
I'm not sure who to believe,
They run back and forth and
I'm very confused.
I don't know what to do.

We end our day up on the roof
I say I'll jump, I never do
But when I'm drunk I act a fool
Talking 'bout , do they sew wings on tailored suits
I'm on that ledge, she grabs my arm
She slaps my head
It's good times, yeah
Sleeve rips off, I slip, I fall
The market's down like 60 stories
And some don't end the way they should
My silver spoon has fed me good
A million one, a million cash
Close my eyes and feel the crash

Branching out with
The music I'm listening to is
Different.
I'm listening to
Nirvana
Muse
Calvin Harris
The Killers
Ellie Goulding
Imagine Dragons
Demi Lovato
And so much more.
Life seems to be okay
As long as I keep the
Music up.

I called you after it had happened and while I was sitting in the bathtub in ice cold water watching the water drip from the faucet and as I let tears fall down my cheeks and as I scrubbed away what you did I tried my best to sound composed but I couldn't and that's why when you answered I hung up because I wasn't sure I could tell you of my shame and how scared I was and I was so afraid to let you in, because then you'd see a part of me you had yet to see and what if you wouldn't want me anymore because who wants a used and so severely broken little girl like me? I wouldn't be your little girl anymore and you wouldn't see me as a beautiful flower, but as a bunch of broken and dried up rose petals and there's so much more in the world besides someone like me and how could you stay with someone so repulsive I don't know I don't know I don't---

Stop ******* saying I'm mad
I said I was cool with it.
You're making this a big deal when
I'm being chill about it.
I've had enough problems in my life lately and
I'm not letting this get to me.
Those feelings and nightmares are for
At night, not now.
So, lets stay friends,
I'm sick of fighting.
I gave up and
You let someone in.
I'm proud of you.
I just am selfish and
Wish that it wasn't him.

They bought me a cake
Sang to me softly
happy birthday Rachel!
I gave them a smile,
A show of sorts
And then turned my head slowly and
My lips fell and so did a
Tear.
They kept singing
Taking pictures and I pretended to laugh
Even though the smile I had on was
Fake.
I sighed and blew out my candles
I'm still not sure what I really wished for.
Death, David Tennant, or just someone to
Save me in general.
But to be honest,
I just want to be happy again.

if my smile is so "electric", then why the hell am i constantly running around this track to be with you when you can't even bring yourself to type out the simple word "hello"?

my first kiss was in a skating rink
with an older boy I barely knew
and my inexperienced tongue
being used to learn a new language.
his kiss made me realize that I might not
be all that straight.
I wasn't ready yet.

my second kiss was in a bathroom at school
my freshman year.
she looked at me as I nervously tried to
kiss her. I wanted it to be perfect, but
I wasn't sure how to do it correctly,
so she stopped me and guided me.
I fell in love with her then.

my third kiss was full of lust.
she and I were both sad for different reasons
and we couldn't stop ourselves.
I was too depressed to care and
God only knows what she wanted to
stop thinking about.
"terrible timing," she said.
I agreed.

my fourth kiss was a boy in a game.
his hands touched all over and I thought
I enjoyed it.
I was wrong.

my fifth kiss was with a girl whom I had been
waiting to kiss for several years.
I snuck her into my house and we talked till
everything went silent and
I knew it was finally time for our
lips to meet.
her lips were soft, and I never properly
thanked her for that kiss.
I was happy.

my sixth kiss was with a boy who stole my heart.
It was on accident, of course.
Not the kiss though, that was completely on purpose.
We technically had two first kisses, I suppose.
The first was in his house and we had
gone upstairs to look at his collection of movies
and then he said something dorky and I said,
"Oh shut up!" And he said, "Make me."
So I did, and I looked at him and I slowly made my
way towards his lips and when our lips met
I had felt something that I had never felt before.
Our second first kiss was in the rain on
the lakefront later that day and
I can't even begin to describe how
kissing him felt in that moment.
It was absolutely beautiful.
He was beautiful.
I was beautiful.
I just wish he'd give me my heart back now,
I miss him and
I am in pain.

To all the people I've kissed before,
I am so sorry.

i look like a lady
but i think like a man
and i guess in this relationship
ill probably be a little bit of both
the things i want to do in bed
are definitely not too girly
but i know that you'd enjoy
the feeling of being touched
and licked
and loved.

but, im still a lady
ill put out your chair
and be as gentle as i can
and the kisses ill give you
will be as sweet as sugar.
ill wear perfume
and my dresses will
hug my hips
and my neck will taste like
love.

ill be everything you need.
from intelligent, to lover,
to just someone you want to
listen to music with,
ill be everything you deserve.

You know you're in Love
when Love doesn't seem to be
the word to describe how you
feel anymore because it
doesn't even come close to
explaining  her
superb beauty.

you're clouding my thoughts
so i try to cloud my thoughts with science
and thoughts of immortality
instead of thinking of the one thing
i truly cannot achieve-
you.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
This is something that I've been wanting
I just want to make sure that your love for me
Has not ceased.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
You make me weak and make my heart flutter
What have I done to make myself that your heart
May freeze?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
keep telling me that you love me
For if I keep shaking ill
Break my knees.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
When you don't show me affection you
Make me feel like I may
have fleas.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
Don't you know that I can feel you everywhere
From the sun on my skin to my hair
In the breeze?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
Just please please please
Write me a love poem.

I can see strings in my mind
right when I close my eyes I
can see them in a magnificent
spectrum, the spectrum of colors
and light and everything that
ever was and ever will be
in this spectrum of beautiful
strings that play like a violin
across all of time and space.
I can see all things that are
finite and the things that are not.
Can others see this spectrum as well?
Can they feel the way the strings
are picked at and hear the beautiful
music that comes from them?
Do they even understand?
These strings connect everything
and they are not just limited to
time and space; *We are all connected.

The way our
Fingers brushed
On that cold night
As I ran my
Fingers
Through your hair,
Down your
S
  P
    I
     N
        E
Made me love you
Even more.

But,
Sadly,
That's all gone.
The feelings have deminished into
Nothing.

I hope it's what you wanted.

isn't any reaction better than no reaction at all?
isn't feeling something better than feeling nothing at all?

And I am ******* tired of allowing people to walk all over me, and deciding when I'm not good enough anymore. If anybody wants to leave, ******* do it. I'm sick of the *******, I will not allow myself to be treated like a door mat that you can rub your **** on. I am so much more than that.

I was sitting in class today
My eyes drifted for a second
You were laughing,
Everyone was laughing
I tried to
But
Nothing came out.

I looked around
Sighed even
And thought to myself
nobody would care if I were gone.

I sighed again
And
Turned to you.
You were smiling and I was glad
You were happy
I'm grateful for that at least.
That's all I ask for
Your happiness
But I won't lie
When I say that I was jealous
Because she made you laugh
And I couldn't even muster
Up a word.

On the grass field,
The sun shines bright.
The ball was being kicked and
I was behind the goal,
Waiting to be told
What to do.
Suddenly,
I felt something.
Something... Different.
I looked around until
I saw you jogging.
Up and down the field in your
Bright red shorts
And white, sweaty t-shirt.
And somehow I knew,
You were absolutely perfect.

His fingers play the bass,
Just like I wish they would
Rustle through my hair.
His eyes look up at me,
And I look down in despair.
He must know that I like him,
He looks back at me as if so.
I wish I could go up to him,
And say a simple "hello".

the medicine is kicking in, my mind is numbing once again

I added you to my mistakes list.
Remember that list?
You and I made one up for my
dumb mistakes.
You loved making fun of
number four because it really
******.

You're number seven now.
Figures.
You love the number seven.
And forty-two.
And I should probably stop writing.
Because I know if I don't,
then I'll never get rid of my feelings
for you.

So, I'm not to sure
of what I want
Anymore.

4 days ago
Thoughts of death
Raced through my mind.

3 days ago
I seemed to be better,
Smiling and all.

2 days ago
I rocked my head
Back and forth
To beautiful music.

1 day ago
I cried as I
Remembered that I'll never be
Enough.

And today
I'm just running on
Empty.

I lay next to you,
Smiling because you make me happy.
I'm suddenly overwhelmed
By the feelings I can't
Control.

You hand me another book to read.
Our fingertips brush.
I feel the electricity, don't you?

You came over to my house one day,
Helping me with my studies,
That's all.
But when I paraded half naked in front of you
I saw the looks in the mirror.

Your eyes look famished,
Desperate for a drink.
Your mouth was slightly open
You looked in awe.
You searched my curves,
Your fingers traced my bones.

All I could see through the mirror
Was how much you wanted me.
Did you want me?
Or
Did you want the curves?
I'd let you use me,
But you'd rather not,
Why?

I could show you things,
Things unimaginable.
I could trace every inch of your body,
I could kiss every inch of your soul.
I could make you know what love is
But No!

I'm not her, am I?
I'm me. And me is all I can ever be.

You see, I'm alone.

Even with you lying next to me,
I can feel your heartbeat,
Memorize your breathes.
I can still smell the scent you left behind that day,
And still see your body
On the bed next to me.

It would never matter because I never will.

If you were to go

Then

     I'm pretty sure
I

     Wouldn't be that far

Behind.

two nights ago I sobbed over you and I panicked because I can't live with the thought that I might be falling for you.

I sat in the tub,
Thinking of everything that's
Gone wrong in my life.
I tried to think about all the
Good things but
They couldn't come.
Everyone is trying to be
So nice to me,
And I'm sick of it.
I deserve to be treated
Terribly.
I should actually probably be
****** or hanged or
something.
But, instead you all treat me
Like nothing ever has happened.

I look over at my scissors and
They beg me to try them out again.
But I don't,
Because somehow
Some sort of happiness
Comes through me and
Tells me not to.
rachel, just don't cut for thirty minutes.
draw or do something else.
if you don't give in to it,
then after those thirty minutes
you should be okay.

You said that to me awhile back and
Now I understand why.
For days like these,
I need that in my mind.
Your soft, kind voice
Telling me that it'll all
Be okay soon.

the Universe is expanding and so is my love for *you

It didn't feel wrong.
Touching you felt like
touching God.
I didn't know something could be so
beautiful and delicate yet
so strong and fierce.
The second I realized this,
I should've stopped
but I couldn't.
Your eyes were closed, you fingers were
rubbing my knee
and I could just tell that
you loved every bit of what was happening.
When I found the spot you loved so much
I needed to keep going.
You would've let me,
but it was the wrong place for
something so beautiful to happen.

Who knew that someone could make me
lose all sense of right and wrong?

All I want is to give you what you deserve and so much more.
Is that something you want?

I have realized that
zoning out for me isn't
my brain asking for a break.
it is my brain yearning to
talk about the things I don't
and to say the things
I do not say.

I saw him today.
Yes, him.
The man of my dreams.
Now, listen closely,
because its vital:
I needed to go get something
and out of luck,
he was there.
He was riding in a
golf cart,
curly brown hair
flying in the wind and
his eyes ever so
green in the
shining sun.

What will it take for him to
feel the same for me
one day?

There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied, *"If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?""

she stood there waiting
waiting for an answer
waiting for a reason
waiting for a sign
to know why i would
think i deserve to
have so much
pain.

the look in her eyes showed
that all she craved was to know.
why can she not see?

honestly, i wonder why i even
let myself endure the pain
any longer than i should.
death waits for me at my doorstep,
why should i not let him in again?

10 reasons I have come up with
because that should be all i need:
1) God- Would he forgive me? The thought seems scary if he wouldn't.
2) Life- Something I should hold onto dearly, after all this is the only kind like it.
3) Leigh- A girlfriend like you is worth living for. You are worth fighting for.
4) Amy- My bestfriend is possibly my soulmate... not in a "get married" way but in a "meant to be bets friends forever" way.
5) The World- I have too many things I want to do and that I want to change: I should do them, right?
6) UCBerkeley- All I want is this University... It's what I crave. I need to be there. I will be there.
7) The stars- I belong to them like I belong to God. When I die I want the stars to yearn for me just as much as I yearn for them.
8) My family- You are so low on the list, but I cannot lie that I would miss you in some form or way. My sisters big smile, my nephews hopeful eyes, my aunts kind words, and even my moms funny sayings.
9) Me- Yes, its sounds quite selfish but I would miss my humor and my laugh and my hair and my poetry. I would miss reading and exploring and learning... Oh God would I miss learning.
10) The Universe- How could I explore the Universe if I am dead?

I know living is worth it because of all of these things... I just wish life were a bit easier on me.

I had a dream that
All the people I've ever loved or
Cared about last night
Took turns to do terrible,
terrible things to me.
Mike, you told me that
You never cared about me.
Skylar, you told me
I never mattered.
Ashley, you said you
Just pretended to be my friend.
Mom, you didn't say much except for hitting
Me like you used too.
Dad, you left. Again. And again. And again.
Tori, you told me to lose more
Weight because I'm fat.
Bryce, you told me the Doctor wasn't real.
Macky, you told that
All those times you
Touched me was because
I was useless.
Joey, that you never really did love me and
That you never will.
Mrs.Jennie, I'm not your daughter, Am I?
And so many more...
But last but not least,
I saw myself.
Looking at me.
Smirking that evil smirk.
Laughing,
And taunting me.
Telling me over and
Over again that
I'll never be good enough.

I woke up crying and
I knew why they thought I
Might be capable of suicide.
It's because I'm just so weak.

I feel like I would betray him
if I were to cut again.
I just hate that it took for
someone to die for me to
stop cutting and realize
that the world shouldn't
romanticize sadness.

*(not that I ever did but
I did have quite the
love affair with
death my friends)

It feels like
We're going
80 miles
Per hour.
But we're
Actually
Not moving at
All.