You know you're in love when
you see her dancing to
Nat King Cole and
you feel like you
were mean't to be doing
the jive with her in a
different decade.

At first we were just Di--
(Two)
But then we became Mono--
(One)
And we started to be Syn--
(Together).
You talk to me like you need me,
kind of like how you need Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and the other 10 elements in our bodies.
You say that I matter.
Not just because I have mass and I take up space,
but because I'm wonderful...special...adorkable.
I said our bond is like a covalent bond. We just share with one another.
It's not ionic, we don't just give and take.
And you said we're not an H-Bond,
because our bond isn't weak.
I said if we were a reaction,
We'd be a synthesis reaction.
Because we were once separate and
now we've became one. (A + B--->C)
You said that you hope we would never be like a decomposition reaction.
Because they we wouldn't be together. (A--->B + C)
And you also said that this feeling is like combustion, that you just might explode!
I laughed at that, because I don't understand how you feel, and I also cannot tell if it's just a part of these jokes we share or maybe something more.
You say "Maybe" like there is, but
you also say "One day" like I'll know you forever.
I guess it's just up to me to say,
"Who knows, not me."

I sat in the tub,
Thinking of everything that's
Gone wrong in my life.
I tried to think about all the
Good things but
They couldn't come.
Everyone is trying to be
So nice to me,
And I'm sick of it.
I deserve to be treated
Terribly.
I should actually probably be
****** or hanged or
something.
But, instead you all treat me
Like nothing ever has happened.

I look over at my scissors and
They beg me to try them out again.
But I don't,
Because somehow
Some sort of happiness
Comes through me and
Tells me not to.
rachel, just don't cut for thirty minutes.
draw or do something else.
if you don't give in to it,
then after those thirty minutes
you should be okay.

You said that to me awhile back and
Now I understand why.
For days like these,
I need that in my mind.
Your soft, kind voice
Telling me that it'll all
Be okay soon.

I feel like I would betray him
if I were to cut again.
I just hate that it took for
someone to die for me to
stop cutting and realize
that the world shouldn't
romanticize sadness.

*(not that I ever did but
I did have quite the
love affair with
death my friends)

a few days ago
someone decided to go and repost an old poem about you
and it had been a long time since I had even thought of that day
but, I guess since I've been thinking about it,
I may as well write about it.

I had reserved the night for us, and sadly my sister tagged along.
It was still so wonderful though, it truly was.
You drank your first tea that night, i had been your first for many things.
And we wanted to figure out the mystery, to discover the clues.
But it was so hard to think of anything other than you.
Your hair was incredibly straight, flowing beautifully past your angelic shoulders.
Your eyes were covered with a black shimmering powder, and you looked so enticing.
You laughed so beautifully, everything you did was beautiful.
You wore a black skirt, a black camisole, and a see through shirt with lace. Yes, i still remember.
I don't really know how I remember, but I guess memories start to come back when you least expect them to.
Your smile that night was stunning, as per usual.
And you made me realize that night just how beautiful I truly was.
I remember making love to you that night, it was sweet and quick and we were exhausted. It was full of sloppy kisses and masked moans and pants. We laughed a bit, because we really weren't in the mood. But the cuddling we did afterwards, now that is something I'll truly never forget. I loved the way my hand always seemed to fit perfectly in the space between your hip and stomach, like we were missing puzzle pieces.
and I remember realizing that I was falling for you all over again that night. But with falling, comes crashing. And I truly made that painfully clear in the few weeks to follow.
"Your lips touched the cup gracefully, just like they when they kiss my lips. And my heart grew immensely when I realized I was falling in love with you all over again."
I miss those lips of yours sometimes. They always knew when I was in need of you. Do they still know? Can they still tell? Probably not.
44 weeks ago, we went on this date. And 41 weeks ago, I did something so awful that I still have a hard time conjuring up the words to describe it. I am truly sorry for what I did, please understand.
"I applaud you, darling, for making everything I do and live for seem so important... And for loving me while I fall in love with you
over and over again."
I guess it's easy to forget when you have someone new, right?
I never thought you'd be the first to break my heart, though.

They bought me a cake
Sang to me softly
happy birthday Rachel!
I gave them a smile,
A show of sorts
And then turned my head slowly and
My lips fell and so did a
Tear.
They kept singing
Taking pictures and I pretended to laugh
Even though the smile I had on was
Fake.
I sighed and blew out my candles
I'm still not sure what I really wished for.
Death, David Tennant, or just someone to
Save me in general.
But to be honest,
I just want to be happy again.

If you were to go

Then

     I'm pretty sure
I

     Wouldn't be that far

Behind.

you say you love me through drunken dialed phone calls at 5 in the morning and I can't say it back. I just don't want to give you something that I know I lack. If I had the love you deserved then maybe I'd be the one for you. But I am crimson and you are green and together we create a different hue.

I have realized that
zoning out for me isn't
my brain asking for a break.
it is my brain yearning to
talk about the things I don't
and to say the things
I do not say.

There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied, *"If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?""

I added you to my mistakes list.
Remember that list?
You and I made one up for my
dumb mistakes.
You loved making fun of
number four because it really
******.

You're number seven now.
Figures.
You love the number seven.
And forty-two.
And I should probably stop writing.
Because I know if I don't,
then I'll never get rid of my feelings
for you.

It feels like
We're going
80 miles
Per hour.
But we're
Actually
Not moving at
All.

she tastes of roses and sweet nectar
and I can't get her scent off of me.
her sweat is sweet beads rolling down her
majestic body and I simply cannot
stop needing the music that
pours from her soul
throughout the night
when we are together.

Branching out with
The music I'm listening to is
Different.
I'm listening to
Nirvana
Muse
Calvin Harris
The Killers
Ellie Goulding
Imagine Dragons
Demi Lovato
And so much more.
Life seems to be okay
As long as I keep the
Music up.

All I think this
Needs
Is a sprinkle of
You.

my first kiss was in a skating rink
with an older boy I barely knew
and my inexperienced tongue
being used to learn a new language.
his kiss made me realize that I might not
be all that straight.
I wasn't ready yet.

my second kiss was in a bathroom at school
my freshman year.
she looked at me as I nervously tried to
kiss her. I wanted it to be perfect, but
I wasn't sure how to do it correctly,
so she stopped me and guided me.
I fell in love with her then.

my third kiss was full of lust.
she and I were both sad for different reasons
and we couldn't stop ourselves.
I was too depressed to care and
God only knows what she wanted to
stop thinking about.
"terrible timing," she said.
I agreed.

my fourth kiss was a boy in a game.
his hands touched all over and I thought
I enjoyed it.
I was wrong.

my fifth kiss was with a girl whom I had been
waiting to kiss for several years.
I snuck her into my house and we talked till
everything went silent and
I knew it was finally time for our
lips to meet.
her lips were soft, and I never properly
thanked her for that kiss.
I was happy.

my sixth kiss was with a boy who stole my heart.
It was on accident, of course.
Not the kiss though, that was completely on purpose.
We technically had two first kisses, I suppose.
The first was in his house and we had
gone upstairs to look at his collection of movies
and then he said something dorky and I said,
"Oh shut up!" And he said, "Make me."
So I did, and I looked at him and I slowly made my
way towards his lips and when our lips met
I had felt something that I had never felt before.
Our second first kiss was in the rain on
the lakefront later that day and
I can't even begin to describe how
kissing him felt in that moment.
It was absolutely beautiful.
He was beautiful.
I was beautiful.
I just wish he'd give me my heart back now,
I miss him and
I am in pain.

To all the people I've kissed before,
I am so sorry.

the Universe is expanding and so is my love for *you

tell me,
when you're blessed with a good day
what do you do?
do you revel in how wonderful it was
and wait for the bad times to come
or will you try your best to allow that good day
to carry onto the next day, and then the next
until it becomes a good week,
a good month,
a good year,
a good life?

honestly, my optimism is returning.
my hope in humanity is coming home.
and more importantly,
i am finding a place inside of myself that
i can call home for once.

i think that maybe this doesn't have to just be a good day,
but it can be a good life as well.

My nightmares are
The kind that
Make you terrified to
Fall back asleep.
Make you so scared you
Can't even move.
My nightmares wake me up
In the middle of the night and
Tell me to
Do very bad things.
Sometimes they spare me and
Other times I can't help what
Comes next.

The other night I couldn't help but
ramble about the Cosmos and everything I seem to think about
when I see the world around me.
You were smiling on the camera
and all I could do was keep talking
and saying theories and smiling about
the Universe because the stars make me so very happy and so do you and
I honestly have no idea what will happen when I lose the both of my favorite things-- You and the Cosmos.

i did not feel pretty
but he said
i was?

she stood there waiting
waiting for an answer
waiting for a reason
waiting for a sign
to know why i would
think i deserve to
have so much
pain.

the look in her eyes showed
that all she craved was to know.
why can she not see?

honestly, i wonder why i even
let myself endure the pain
any longer than i should.
death waits for me at my doorstep,
why should i not let him in again?

10 reasons I have come up with
because that should be all i need:
1) God- Would he forgive me? The thought seems scary if he wouldn't.
2) Life- Something I should hold onto dearly, after all this is the only kind like it.
3) Leigh- A girlfriend like you is worth living for. You are worth fighting for.
4) Amy- My bestfriend is possibly my soulmate... not in a "get married" way but in a "meant to be bets friends forever" way.
5) The World- I have too many things I want to do and that I want to change: I should do them, right?
6) UCBerkeley- All I want is this University... It's what I crave. I need to be there. I will be there.
7) The stars- I belong to them like I belong to God. When I die I want the stars to yearn for me just as much as I yearn for them.
8) My family- You are so low on the list, but I cannot lie that I would miss you in some form or way. My sisters big smile, my nephews hopeful eyes, my aunts kind words, and even my moms funny sayings.
9) Me- Yes, its sounds quite selfish but I would miss my humor and my laugh and my hair and my poetry. I would miss reading and exploring and learning... Oh God would I miss learning.
10) The Universe- How could I explore the Universe if I am dead?

I know living is worth it because of all of these things... I just wish life were a bit easier on me.

You've told me times and time again,
"Lets stay friends."

But yet,
I still get the feeling
Like we're
More
Than meets the eye.
Aren't we
One?
Whole?
together...?

To be honest,
I thought we'd last longer than this.

Everything inside of me is
Whispering your
Name.


                      *mike

You can only see me for what's in-between my legs, can't you?

what is it?
the feeling of being loved
and knowing that
they feel the same way
whether you are dressed
or not?

i was scared.
standing there
without a shirt
makes me quite nervous.
my body isn't exactly fit
whereas you look like the
most perfect ballerina.
its not a bad thing,
i just wish i would be
a bit more... flat.

i love my body,
i just have a few things that
i know i could change.
i could eat healthier,
maybe work out more.
drink some more water than
coffee. (i sure do love coffee)
and cut back a bit.

i want to feel comfortable
in my own skin.
i want to be able to
dress how i want
without the fear of the
dress sizes or
being called those terrible names
as i once was in my childhood.

i want to let you do
the things you want to me
without me feeling ashamed.

sooner or later,
ill be completely ready.
you'll have worthy lips to kiss and
a whole new world
to explore with your fingertips.

4 days ago
Thoughts of death
Raced through my mind.

3 days ago
I seemed to be better,
Smiling and all.

2 days ago
I rocked my head
Back and forth
To beautiful music.

1 day ago
I cried as I
Remembered that I'll never be
Enough.

And today
I'm just running on
Empty.

So, I'm not to sure
of what I want
Anymore.

I'm sorry I
Talked ****.

This is the first time I've
thought about him in the
last week or so.
Not thinking of him and
now thinking of her is
possibly a miracle.
I'd think of him day
and night and everything
in between those times.
I'd barely sleep from tears
and around him my heart would race.
Was that honestly what love felt like?

To be honest, I think it was love.
But, not the good kind of love.
Not the love that pours out of Leigh
and not that love that I will endlessly
give back to her.

She makes me want to be a better person
and to reach for the stars,
instead of wishing they'd never be there.

Oh dear, I am quite in love with you.
Do you feel the same as I do?

she told me that
tons of people go through
the same exact thing
everyday.
and for a second,
i felt better because
i knew someone could relate.
but i was pulled right back under
as i realized that
it means im normal.
that im not unique or
different.
im the same piece of living
(im alive right?)
plastic as everyone else is.
im not anyone special,
i am just someone
who has
a lot of
*issues.

The look you gave me reminded me of
when you found out about the boy
at space camp.

It reminded me of when you sent me the
message saying, "I'll call you when I get home."
And then you proceeded to angrily cry and
sob in your room over FaceTime with me and
ask over and over again,
"How could you?".

It reminded me of the look you gave me that made me realize
that I had messed up so badly.
I had ripped your heart out
and when I realized that,
I wouldn't have blamed you for saying goodbye to me
right then and there.

You didn't, and I know you regret it.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm still here wishing I had made better choices.
I'm still wishing that I had held you closer sometimes, too.
You probably regret it all.
You'd rewrite that ending, wouldn't you?

God, that look...that look.
I pretended like it didn't break my heart
but I can promise you that it
did.

They say I should make new friends.
But it seems like everytime I do that
They get taken away from me.

I might never have happiness,
Will I?

I had a dream that
All the people I've ever loved or
Cared about last night
Took turns to do terrible,
terrible things to me.
Mike, you told me that
You never cared about me.
Skylar, you told me
I never mattered.
Ashley, you said you
Just pretended to be my friend.
Mom, you didn't say much except for hitting
Me like you used too.
Dad, you left. Again. And again. And again.
Tori, you told me to lose more
Weight because I'm fat.
Bryce, you told me the Doctor wasn't real.
Macky, you told that
All those times you
Touched me was because
I was useless.
Joey, that you never really did love me and
That you never will.
Mrs.Jennie, I'm not your daughter, Am I?
And so many more...
But last but not least,
I saw myself.
Looking at me.
Smirking that evil smirk.
Laughing,
And taunting me.
Telling me over and
Over again that
I'll never be good enough.

I woke up crying and
I knew why they thought I
Might be capable of suicide.
It's because I'm just so weak.

What's the occasion?
What's with all the flowers?
Why did you bring them here,
It's not even at the hour!
"She died" he said
And he gasped with fright
And he sighed and said
"It was throughout the night"
He cried and cried
Then realized his whole
She wasn't dead!
She was just missing her soul!
He leaped with joy
Ran to her way
And opened the door
To finally say--


"I love you."

You deserve so much more than the world and I'm sorry I'm not quite ready to give it to you, but I'm trying to be. I just want to be the best possible version of myself and I sure as hell have a lot to work on and I don't want to hurt you, so that's why I'm trying to keep you at a distance. I want you to be happy and I want to be there when you are and when you're not and I just want to make you smile and *******, I just want to hold your hand and to tell you that it's all gonna be okay. But everything is so complicated and my thoughts are jumbled and my throat is so tight and it's hard to say my true feelings because I need to fix some things before I can give you what you deserve. Hell, I'm probably much less that what you actually deserve, but I'd be a lot of things if it meant that I could just see you smile again and again and again.
I just need to get through some things and then you'll see, oh honey, you'll see that I'm just trying to be the best that I know I can and will be.

you're clouding my thoughts
so i try to cloud my thoughts with science
and thoughts of immortality
instead of thinking of the one thing
i truly cannot achieve-
you.

my doctor said i'm not suicidial.
my mom said i'm being dramatic and
its all for attention.
my sister says i like my doctor.
my friends, i'm not sure what they think.

i don't think i'm okay.
i think i am suicidal,
i think this is very much true,
i do like my doctor, but not like that,
and oh dear friends, what should i do?

never give someone the power to make you feel like you're less than nothing, because you're worth the whole ******* cosmos