On the grass field,
The sun shines bright.
The ball was being kicked and
I was behind the goal,
Waiting to be told
What to do.
Suddenly,
I felt something.
Something... Different.
I looked around until
I saw you jogging.
Up and down the field in your
Bright red shorts
And white, sweaty t-shirt.
And somehow I knew,
You were absolutely perfect.

I'm still listening.
The voices are
Telling me things.
my voice screams at them and
Trys to reason with them.
she should be dead
i should live, shouldn't I?
youre ugly, fat, and a ***, you're a disgrace to mankind
but I could help
youre worthless
I'm not sure who to believe,
They run back and forth and
I'm very confused.
I don't know what to do.

I saw him today.
Yes, him.
The man of my dreams.
Now, listen closely,
because its vital:
I needed to go get something
and out of luck,
he was there.
He was riding in a
golf cart,
curly brown hair
flying in the wind and
his eyes ever so
green in the
shining sun.

What will it take for him to
feel the same for me
one day?

I lay next to you,
Smiling because you make me happy.
I'm suddenly overwhelmed
By the feelings I can't
Control.

You hand me another book to read.
Our fingertips brush.
I feel the electricity, don't you?

You came over to my house one day,
Helping me with my studies,
That's all.
But when I paraded half naked in front of you
I saw the looks in the mirror.

Your eyes look famished,
Desperate for a drink.
Your mouth was slightly open
You looked in awe.
You searched my curves,
Your fingers traced my bones.

All I could see through the mirror
Was how much you wanted me.
Did you want me?
Or
Did you want the curves?
I'd let you use me,
But you'd rather not,
Why?

I could show you things,
Things unimaginable.
I could trace every inch of your body,
I could kiss every inch of your soul.
I could make you know what love is
But No!

I'm not her, am I?
I'm me. And me is all I can ever be.

You see, I'm alone.

Even with you lying next to me,
I can feel your heartbeat,
Memorize your breathes.
I can still smell the scent you left behind that day,
And still see your body
On the bed next to me.

It would never matter because I never will.

His fingers play the bass,
Just like I wish they would
Rustle through my hair.
His eyes look up at me,
And I look down in despair.
He must know that I like him,
He looks back at me as if so.
I wish I could go up to him,
And say a simple "hello".

They bought me a cake
Sang to me softly
happy birthday Rachel!
I gave them a smile,
A show of sorts
And then turned my head slowly and
My lips fell and so did a
Tear.
They kept singing
Taking pictures and I pretended to laugh
Even though the smile I had on was
Fake.
I sighed and blew out my candles
I'm still not sure what I really wished for.
Death, David Tennant, or just someone to
Save me in general.
But to be honest,
I just want to be happy again.

I sat in the tub,
Thinking of everything that's
Gone wrong in my life.
I tried to think about all the
Good things but
They couldn't come.
Everyone is trying to be
So nice to me,
And I'm sick of it.
I deserve to be treated
Terribly.
I should actually probably be
****** or hanged or
something.
But, instead you all treat me
Like nothing ever has happened.

I look over at my scissors and
They beg me to try them out again.
But I don't,
Because somehow
Some sort of happiness
Comes through me and
Tells me not to.
rachel, just don't cut for thirty minutes.
draw or do something else.
if you don't give in to it,
then after those thirty minutes
you should be okay.

You said that to me awhile back and
Now I understand why.
For days like these,
I need that in my mind.
Your soft, kind voice
Telling me that it'll all
Be okay soon.

Branching out with
The music I'm listening to is
Different.
I'm listening to
Nirvana
Muse
Calvin Harris
The Killers
Ellie Goulding
Imagine Dragons
Demi Lovato
And so much more.
Life seems to be okay
As long as I keep the
Music up.

All I think this
Needs
Is a sprinkle of
You.

I feel like I would betray him
if I were to cut again.
I just hate that it took for
someone to die for me to
stop cutting and realize
that the world shouldn't
romanticize sadness.

*(not that I ever did but
I did have quite the
love affair with
death my friends)

she tastes of roses and sweet nectar
and I can't get her scent off of me.
her sweat is sweet beads rolling down her
majestic body and I simply cannot
stop needing the music that
pours from her soul
throughout the night
when we are together.

If you were to go

Then

     I'm pretty sure
I

     Wouldn't be that far

Behind.

I added you to my mistakes list.
Remember that list?
You and I made one up for my
dumb mistakes.
You loved making fun of
number four because it really
******.

You're number seven now.
Figures.
You love the number seven.
And forty-two.
And I should probably stop writing.
Because I know if I don't,
then I'll never get rid of my feelings
for you.

I have realized that
zoning out for me isn't
my brain asking for a break.
it is my brain yearning to
talk about the things I don't
and to say the things
I do not say.

It feels like
We're going
80 miles
Per hour.
But we're
Actually
Not moving at
All.

There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied, *"If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?""

my first kiss was in a skating rink
with an older boy I barely knew
and my inexperienced tongue
being used to learn a new language.
his kiss made me realize that I might not
be all that straight.
I wasn't ready yet.

my second kiss was in a bathroom at school
my freshman year.
she looked at me as I nervously tried to
kiss her. I wanted it to be perfect, but
I wasn't sure how to do it correctly,
so she stopped me and guided me.
I fell in love with her then.

my third kiss was full of lust.
she and I were both sad for different reasons
and we couldn't stop ourselves.
I was too depressed to care and
God only knows what she wanted to
stop thinking about.
"terrible timing," she said.
I agreed.

my fourth kiss was a boy in a game.
his hands touched all over and I thought
I enjoyed it.
I was wrong.

my fifth kiss was with a girl whom I had been
waiting to kiss for several years.
I snuck her into my house and we talked till
everything went silent and
I knew it was finally time for our
lips to meet.
her lips were soft, and I never properly
thanked her for that kiss.
I was happy.

my sixth kiss was with a boy who stole my heart.
It was on accident, of course.
Not the kiss though, that was completely on purpose.
We technically had two first kisses, I suppose.
The first was in his house and we had
gone upstairs to look at his collection of movies
and then he said something dorky and I said,
"Oh shut up!" And he said, "Make me."
So I did, and I looked at him and I slowly made my
way towards his lips and when our lips met
I had felt something that I had never felt before.
Our second first kiss was in the rain on
the lakefront later that day and
I can't even begin to describe how
kissing him felt in that moment.
It was absolutely beautiful.
He was beautiful.
I was beautiful.
I just wish he'd give me my heart back now,
I miss him and
I am in pain.

To all the people I've kissed before,
I am so sorry.

They say I should make new friends.
But it seems like everytime I do that
They get taken away from me.

I might never have happiness,
Will I?

You've told me times and time again,
"Lets stay friends."

But yet,
I still get the feeling
Like we're
More
Than meets the eye.
Aren't we
One?
Whole?
together...?

To be honest,
I thought we'd last longer than this.

So, I'm not to sure
of what I want
Anymore.

the Universe is expanding and so is my love for *you

The look you gave me reminded me of
when you found out about the boy
at space camp.

It reminded me of when you sent me the
message saying, "I'll call you when I get home."
And then you proceeded to angrily cry and
sob in your room over FaceTime with me and
ask over and over again,
"How could you?".

It reminded me of the look you gave me that made me realize
that I had messed up so badly.
I had ripped your heart out
and when I realized that,
I wouldn't have blamed you for saying goodbye to me
right then and there.

You didn't, and I know you regret it.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm still here wishing I had made better choices.
I'm still wishing that I had held you closer sometimes, too.
You probably regret it all.
You'd rewrite that ending, wouldn't you?

God, that look...that look.
I pretended like it didn't break my heart
but I can promise you that it
did.

This is the first time I've
thought about him in the
last week or so.
Not thinking of him and
now thinking of her is
possibly a miracle.
I'd think of him day
and night and everything
in between those times.
I'd barely sleep from tears
and around him my heart would race.
Was that honestly what love felt like?

To be honest, I think it was love.
But, not the good kind of love.
Not the love that pours out of Leigh
and not that love that I will endlessly
give back to her.

She makes me want to be a better person
and to reach for the stars,
instead of wishing they'd never be there.

Oh dear, I am quite in love with you.
Do you feel the same as I do?

i did not feel pretty
but he said
i was?

what is it?
the feeling of being loved
and knowing that
they feel the same way
whether you are dressed
or not?

i was scared.
standing there
without a shirt
makes me quite nervous.
my body isn't exactly fit
whereas you look like the
most perfect ballerina.
its not a bad thing,
i just wish i would be
a bit more... flat.

i love my body,
i just have a few things that
i know i could change.
i could eat healthier,
maybe work out more.
drink some more water than
coffee. (i sure do love coffee)
and cut back a bit.

i want to feel comfortable
in my own skin.
i want to be able to
dress how i want
without the fear of the
dress sizes or
being called those terrible names
as i once was in my childhood.

i want to let you do
the things you want to me
without me feeling ashamed.

sooner or later,
ill be completely ready.
you'll have worthy lips to kiss and
a whole new world
to explore with your fingertips.

My nightmares are
The kind that
Make you terrified to
Fall back asleep.
Make you so scared you
Can't even move.
My nightmares wake me up
In the middle of the night and
Tell me to
Do very bad things.
Sometimes they spare me and
Other times I can't help what
Comes next.

The other night I couldn't help but
ramble about the Cosmos and everything I seem to think about
when I see the world around me.
You were smiling on the camera
and all I could do was keep talking
and saying theories and smiling about
the Universe because the stars make me so very happy and so do you and
I honestly have no idea what will happen when I lose the both of my favorite things-- You and the Cosmos.

she stood there waiting
waiting for an answer
waiting for a reason
waiting for a sign
to know why i would
think i deserve to
have so much
pain.

the look in her eyes showed
that all she craved was to know.
why can she not see?

honestly, i wonder why i even
let myself endure the pain
any longer than i should.
death waits for me at my doorstep,
why should i not let him in again?

10 reasons I have come up with
because that should be all i need:
1) God- Would he forgive me? The thought seems scary if he wouldn't.
2) Life- Something I should hold onto dearly, after all this is the only kind like it.
3) Leigh- A girlfriend like you is worth living for. You are worth fighting for.
4) Amy- My bestfriend is possibly my soulmate... not in a "get married" way but in a "meant to be bets friends forever" way.
5) The World- I have too many things I want to do and that I want to change: I should do them, right?
6) UCBerkeley- All I want is this University... It's what I crave. I need to be there. I will be there.
7) The stars- I belong to them like I belong to God. When I die I want the stars to yearn for me just as much as I yearn for them.
8) My family- You are so low on the list, but I cannot lie that I would miss you in some form or way. My sisters big smile, my nephews hopeful eyes, my aunts kind words, and even my moms funny sayings.
9) Me- Yes, its sounds quite selfish but I would miss my humor and my laugh and my hair and my poetry. I would miss reading and exploring and learning... Oh God would I miss learning.
10) The Universe- How could I explore the Universe if I am dead?

I know living is worth it because of all of these things... I just wish life were a bit easier on me.

tell me,
when you're blessed with a good day
what do you do?
do you revel in how wonderful it was
and wait for the bad times to come
or will you try your best to allow that good day
to carry onto the next day, and then the next
until it becomes a good week,
a good month,
a good year,
a good life?

honestly, my optimism is returning.
my hope in humanity is coming home.
and more importantly,
i am finding a place inside of myself that
i can call home for once.

i think that maybe this doesn't have to just be a good day,
but it can be a good life as well.

You can only see me for what's in-between my legs, can't you?

I had a dream that
All the people I've ever loved or
Cared about last night
Took turns to do terrible,
terrible things to me.
Mike, you told me that
You never cared about me.
Skylar, you told me
I never mattered.
Ashley, you said you
Just pretended to be my friend.
Mom, you didn't say much except for hitting
Me like you used too.
Dad, you left. Again. And again. And again.
Tori, you told me to lose more
Weight because I'm fat.
Bryce, you told me the Doctor wasn't real.
Macky, you told that
All those times you
Touched me was because
I was useless.
Joey, that you never really did love me and
That you never will.
Mrs.Jennie, I'm not your daughter, Am I?
And so many more...
But last but not least,
I saw myself.
Looking at me.
Smirking that evil smirk.
Laughing,
And taunting me.
Telling me over and
Over again that
I'll never be good enough.

I woke up crying and
I knew why they thought I
Might be capable of suicide.
It's because I'm just so weak.

I'm sorry I
Talked ****.

4 days ago
Thoughts of death
Raced through my mind.

3 days ago
I seemed to be better,
Smiling and all.

2 days ago
I rocked my head
Back and forth
To beautiful music.

1 day ago
I cried as I
Remembered that I'll never be
Enough.

And today
I'm just running on
Empty.

Everything inside of me is
Whispering your
Name.


                      *mike

you're clouding my thoughts
so i try to cloud my thoughts with science
and thoughts of immortality
instead of thinking of the one thing
i truly cannot achieve-
you.

And I am ******* tired of allowing people to walk all over me, and deciding when I'm not good enough anymore. If anybody wants to leave, ******* do it. I'm sick of the *******, I will not allow myself to be treated like a door mat that you can rub your **** on. I am so much more than that.

my doctor said i'm not suicidial.
my mom said i'm being dramatic and
its all for attention.
my sister says i like my doctor.
my friends, i'm not sure what they think.

i don't think i'm okay.
i think i am suicidal,
i think this is very much true,
i do like my doctor, but not like that,
and oh dear friends, what should i do?

and as I look through this book, I realize just how lovely you truly are through the scribbled mess you have left on the pages within.

she told me that
tons of people go through
the same exact thing
everyday.
and for a second,
i felt better because
i knew someone could relate.
but i was pulled right back under
as i realized that
it means im normal.
that im not unique or
different.
im the same piece of living
(im alive right?)
plastic as everyone else is.
im not anyone special,
i am just someone
who has
a lot of
*issues.

You deserve so much more than the world and I'm sorry I'm not quite ready to give it to you, but I'm trying to be. I just want to be the best possible version of myself and I sure as hell have a lot to work on and I don't want to hurt you, so that's why I'm trying to keep you at a distance. I want you to be happy and I want to be there when you are and when you're not and I just want to make you smile and *******, I just want to hold your hand and to tell you that it's all gonna be okay. But everything is so complicated and my thoughts are jumbled and my throat is so tight and it's hard to say my true feelings because I need to fix some things before I can give you what you deserve. Hell, I'm probably much less that what you actually deserve, but I'd be a lot of things if it meant that I could just see you smile again and again and again.
I just need to get through some things and then you'll see, oh honey, you'll see that I'm just trying to be the best that I know I can and will be.