i had been avoiding you for a week you told me you wouldn't let me go you snuck me into your room you held me you dried my tears you told me you wouldn't let go i fell asleep by your side for the hundredth time (i need to start leaving a toothbrush in your room) you held me like you would never let me go i laid there and remembered when you spilled your heart out to me as we choked down alcohol i laid there and hoped you really would never let me go i woke up before you (you were so cute when you slept) i kissed you on the cheek i left as if nothing happened as if i didn't lay there noticing our synchronized breathing, your legs intertwined with mine, your eyelashes fluttering against my cheek, your pounding heartbeat
i don't know my own name some nights when i'm sober and by myself and slightly chilled, exhausted it's mine but i don't feel it's mine i don't feel like anything at all but tonight I'm not sure feeling nothing used to be bad but being nothing feels like it might be relief
scars are just another type of memory but all of my scars scare me some deep, some thin some from yesterday, some within these lines each have a story some because i deserved it, some because i couldn't handle it
the last time i saw you, i could hear my heart breaking i felt it between us, the distance i tried to stay hopeful, i saw it in your eyes how did we get to this point, it was like the timing was off you were thunder, i was lightning
the first time you told me how you felt you were drunk i was holding the neck of a bottle of bacardi we kept taking shots you held my face
"you're so beautiful"
you'd tell me to look at you i wish i could've said something i wish could've walked out the door
"im so sorry"
you called me baby i wasn't yours but i could be
"you're so beautiful"
"ill always be here"
i didn't speak for a minute i couldn't believe i was living
by the time i finished the bottle and you finished your beers i promised myself i wouldn't believe a word you said i grabbed your hands and you clutched me like a stairway railing we walked to your room i had to help you take your contacts out
"i like you so much"
"why were you dancing with him"
i fell in love with you i fell in love with that feeling i fell in love with your slurred words, your blurry eyes
i hate that i loved it the guilt didn't take over "we've been waiting to do this for so long" you whispered my name "don't think about it" all i could think about was that you were slowly killing me i knew i couldn't have you i hate that i loved it