the little brown sparrows,
perch on the barbed
string fence,
feathers ruffled and puffed
against the cold, of the morning air
they knatter and gossip away among themselves.

they know nothing  of the sorrow of this day..

the thought comes to mind,
why would they care,
god's eye is upon them,
as they bask in the sunshine.
i sigh and crumble a corner
of my toast and scatter it to
the ground.
even god needs a hand,
in the practical aspects of caring, sometimes.
as the sparrows dart in to consume the crumbs,
i smile at their squabbling
antics....
and come to understand why god loves to watch the
tiny little things.

six years after you took your last breath
i now understand what you meant:

to have dis-
jointed thoughts, runningrunningrunning brain always running no time
to
breathe no space
do this-that-this-that
no breathing
how do i exhale(all i'm doing-- inhaling inhaling--)
brain fills lungs fill
which where what when
what happened two hours ago what day is
it when did you get here what have
i said what did you say?

palms fists in eye sockets
dark static dancing dancing
caffeine fired caffeine wired
no sleep
can't sleep
time to sleep?
never sleep

i remember:
that your pills weren't yours
that you cried for help
that you needed sleep to swallow you

that i closed my eyes while you died on your kitchen floor
and it eats me up

and it's only fair, then,
for me to have inherited your curse

I often times find
myself cloud gazing,
and creating images within them
that remind me
of you.

I suppose that means
I only have myself to blame
when it starts raining.

I need to pick myself up
and brush the dirt off my jeans
before I fall for you.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm a mess,
and I can't be happy with you
until I can bear to be myself.

Perhaps our story ended,
and we turned past the last page.
Nothing left for amendment,
the path before us laid.

This book met a conclusion.
What a fairy tale it was.
Maybe just an illusion,
the heart and mind plays tricks, it does.

Yet it all just seemed so true.
Who knew,
it would be just like a movie?
People dream to exist like this,
instead they live assuming.

I backtrack through the chapters,
nearly driven insane.
Forever chasing after,
a retelling of our claims

Perhaps someday I'll feel the same
evolve beyond these throes.
In days those passions were untamed,
where every ending goes.

My knight he sways to and fro, wind under saddle
He rides heavy
Til night falls
til morning dawns
He shant let go of the winds beneath his billow

He sways not here
Nor there
He will reach me
Death, or spear
He strides long on the saddle day in and day out
Ghost rider
My knight
My lover, my knight
Hex
seaching still,
High and low
Never shall my knight
Let me go
Our Love so powerful the bond so great no spell
Can break no man can ungergo
What baffles the most
That neither of us can

Let them