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5.6k · Mar 2013
The Lawyer
Ra Mar 2013
You are
A rescuer but not an enabler
Grounding, mother
skilled, strong
soft, kind
You make me want to cry
2.6k · Nov 2015
I like her hugs
Ra Nov 2015
She hugs me
Not those icky, clingy, draining hugs I dislike
She hugs me
and I like it!

She hugs me
And I feel warm and wrapped in comfort
She hugs me
****, I like it

She hugs me
I'm looking forward to seeing her
She hugs me
And I like it

She hugs me
I barely even know her but I
She hugs me
And I like it

She hugs me
And she lingers and says bye
She hugs me

She hugs me
And today I just can't stop smiling
She kissed me!
And I liked it!
935 · Mar 2013
A new friend
Ra Mar 2013
I will capture what I can of your affection
I embrace your warmth
You are beautiful
I feel my fondness grow to pain
I am scared of you
How much will you hurt me?
Ra May 2017
Tracing your hips
My fingertips
are enchanted by you.

Trying to inhale you
your skin
your hair
your breathe

Grey eyes
Hiding your universe
your heart your pain your passion your love
let me see
I am not afraid to meet you there.
pull me in
Your face tells me stories and my soul needs to listen
I am unafraid

Collide with me kindly

"Is this beautiful?"
895 · Mar 2014
I hate you Cancer
Ra Mar 2014
I hate you cancer
Because you ravaged my mother's beautiful body
  and then you stole her

We pleaded with you and you did not relent
Mummy cried out in pain and you did not relent
Mummy wept as you ripped pieces from her body
Then she stoically stared you in the face, as if
you could not destroy her
but you still did.
852 · May 2017
You are
Ra May 2017
Courage to be vulnerable
Courage to tell the truth
Courage to see
Courage to be seen
Courage to hear

Courage to feel
Courage to feel me

Courage to let me be

Courage to be
827 · Feb 2017
I am not good enough
Ra Feb 2017
I don't understand
i made all these plans
For us.

I try to be a happy friend
A generous friend
A kind friend
A fun friend
A thoughtful friend
A loyal friend
A loving friend
A fierce friend

I hope that we can talk together
Sit together
Eat together
Play together
Adventure together
Cry together
Smile together

I ask if we can have that.
You never have time.

So I wait. I try to be patient.

And then I see you give what I want to other people
and I know I have no right to you and no right to be mad
But the envy grows in my belly
like a volcano of grief and loneliness

I fight it

I hate myself for this.

I just want to know why? What am I doing wrong?

Why can't I be loved?
Why isn't anyone excited to see me?
What is wrong with me?
What is so awful about me?

Someone please tell me. I can't withstand this loneliness forever.
This is not really a poem. Just pain I need to hide somewhere
639 · May 2017
Our Story Begins
Ra May 2017
You reminded me of safety
Every time we spoke
My body trusted yours inexplicably
If only you knew
If only you knew

How my body has a mind of it's own and recoils at the close proximity of maleness

But not you.
It trusted you.

I was reminded of the last time I trusted boys
Before I was ripped by him
Before I grew up

When boys were my friends, and taught me about loyalty
Boys who I could trust
Boys who washed me naked in the shower when I'd played rough
Boys who slept beside me to keep me safe
Boys who were fun
Boys who saw me as a human
Back when I saw myself as a human

Before my human-ness was taken
Nauseating kisses
Adoration lies
Tip bourbon over my head when I cry
hold me down
closed fist on my head
abuse me until I bled
And I cry and I bleed and the pain is worst in my soul though there are bruises on my body

Tell me I'm a crazy ***** and I have no hope and I'm useless I've wasted all my talent and I will be nothing without him and I am ***** and I am a mess and I am not a real woman I can't cook I can't clean "How will you feed that baby in your belly?" and you need to lose weight you're getting fat and fit people are only attracted to fit people and you dress like a boy I don't wanna **** a boy and you dress like a child (Wait, I am a child.) You're lazy and you're stupid and your Mum's useless too and your brother is a kitchen-***** and he's weak coz he does everything you ever ask of him. You're the reason I have to drink.

Laugh at me when I cry.

Why don't you love me? I love you! Please just give me a hug.

So he hugs me and crushes me so I can't breathe
Who knew someone could make hugs vicious

Even when I escaped him I couldn't escape him

He's everywhere

Hate like nothing else
I know he wants me dead

I want me dead too.

I learn to love but not with my body
Not with my body. My body is mine now. Finally mine.

I love and I love but I float unconnected
I'm lost but I love
I know in my soul I am worthless
But I love and I love

I know I am worthless because I am no-ones priority
But I love and I love

And now you're here.

Reminding me of safety
Every time we speak

And I sit beside you comfortably and I wonder why the smell of the beer
on you
Isn't making me feel sick tonight

Talk thoughtfully of politics
And Lady Gaga
Win me over

I am comfortable in your arms
I know you're attracted but I still feel safe and I wonder
And I wonder
And there's a shooting star
I wonder
What would it be like to kiss this beautiful, safe man
So I kiss you and it's sweet and gentle and kind
And I wonder
And I wonder
588 · Nov 2015
Ra Nov 2015
I didn't know I needed you
Until you put your arms around me and I felt
something move inside me
into a space of
And now I need you
And my neediness scares me
I like to rely on myself
Need for no one
But now you've joined the faces in my head
The ones who've touched my soul
that I've tried to hide so well
Buried beneath facade so
I can be safe.
But there are always a few
who somehow beat their way through
And remain there,
Ra Mar 2014
Last week I jumped from the side of a perfectly safe ship
   and plunged deep into an ocean of limerence

I couldn't help myself because I stood and looked
   and felt the ocean grab deep inside me

It was like the water needed me and she
captivated me with her purity

I fell through the cool rushing air and smiled
then I was enclosed in the security of the ocean

the deep unknown that somehow feels safe  
exciting, and full of mysteries to know
567 · May 2016
Ra May 2016
Happy birth-mothersday
Throw ya toast out the window
Feed it to the dog
Kiss me with your laughing eyes
Kiss me kindly with your lips
Touch my cheek with your smooth brown hands
Not one more time
But forever more times please Mum
Let's get ***** growing potatoes
Let's get paint on the carpet
Let's write love notes on the walls
Like all normal people do
Tell me to make you a cuppa tea.
(I'm turning into you mum.)
Sing my songs to me mummy
Tell me about Rindacella again
please tell me how she slopped her dripper on the stairs
Can you hear the morepork Mummy? Listen with me
Did you see that shootin' star?
Are you smelling these trees?
Wrap me up in itchy woollen cardies
Put my odd socks on
Puddle jumpin' in my gummies
In a land called Honalee
I'll climb into bed with you tonight
Lace bedspread catching my toes
Curl up in the nest of the crook of your knees
It's cold, sleep back-to-back
Dance in front of my friends if you like
They all think you're cool
Sorry I didn't tell you.
Teenagers ****.
Tell me I'm amazing
Adventurous and strong
Your courageous daughter
Smart and beautiful
Remind me I can sail ships through storms
That God is always close
Pray over me and praise with me
Read the bible again to me
Come play piano with Isobel
Or computer games if you like
I think I've killed your Farmville farm
Sorry .
Chat with me on Facebook
Ocean's teacher likes Donald Trump
Be outraged with me please
Come with me to the school
I'll hide behind your storm
People aren't afraid of my
Gentle, steady rain
I think I hear my babies stirring
They're amazing Mum
You should see the stuff they do and say
You should see how fierce they are
You should. You should. You should.
Be. Here.
They're creeping round the house now
Making my heart laugh
I better open up my bedroom window
Ready for the toast.
532 · Mar 2013
Ra Mar 2013
Yes, you have faults
But they are eclipsed
because you let me sniff your head
She's a good friend
504 · Mar 2013
Ra Mar 2013
I can feel you, warm, deep inside my belly
My skin is stretched tight, it's itchy sometimes
You move and I can feel you
Earthquake rolling inside me
And my soul is full like my belly, with wonder
and joy, I can feel you
499 · Mar 2014
Ra Mar 2014
Me and your moko,
We lay on the grass
Staring into the stars
And someone came by and said we
might find you there
But we didn't.

And how could we really
Stars are burning gas
hung by the powerful creator you are with
But still I stared
hoping for a shooting one

I haven't seen any since we were together on my deck
and Mum-
I've laid and held your cardies with their cigarette smell
And I've curled up with your ashes and wept
But you're not there
I don't want to hear the empty words
people say (I know they're only trying to help)
I know you are not here

I see you in my mirror
and in the paintings you left
In my birthday cards
In the crutches by the door
My daughter's face.

The memory of your warm hand stroking my face (if I concentrate hard I can nearly feel it) with love no-one else can give me

Lying in the grass
With dew settling on our heads
We knew you weren't there.

And I'm glad for you Mum
Secure with the Father
Finally healed.

I think of your face shining as the Holy Spirit filled you
And your arms stretched towards heaven
and your voice
Singing 'On Eagle's Wings'
Filled with joy

And I know that's where you are
You're not meant to be here.
486 · Mar 2013
A text
Ra Mar 2013
You miss me?
You had me
Now you don't
456 · Nov 2015
Ra Nov 2015
Her voice
talkin' about Scout
Atticus Finch and Jem

I can still hear it in my head
It still brings that lump to my throat

why do we only have that one word
so I can't explain properly
<insert word here>: intense attachment to a teacher who inspires you

teacher who gave me so much hope
it's still what I cling to
14 years later
430 · May 2014
Will you sing to me
Ra May 2014
You are everything that isn't me
And that is why you delight my soul

And all you do
challenges me, you're good for me
I hope I'm good for you.

Jesus inspires you and shines from you
you're beautiful but this is more
than beautiful

I could stare at you all day and listen to you all day, which is good
because what you like to do is talk, and yet
even though you talk and I like to listen, you're a mystery
I can't figure you out, and that intrigues me because what I do best
is figure people out

Maybe I should change your name to Rubik's

But I can solve a Rubik's.

Can you sing? Read poetry and books? I do not mean can you do these things the best but
will you sing for me?

And can you stay? Not so I can solve you, I hope I never
solve you
I have a deep fear of being left
and I know that's not your problem, but I really
hope you can stay.
353 · Mar 2016
All the Flowers are for you
Ra Mar 2016
All the flowers bloom for you
my darling
Do you know?

I see them everywhere
and see you everywhere
because I know it.
324 · Nov 2015
Another New Friend
Ra Nov 2015
There's someone occupying space in my
mind and heart
She's new.

I can't wait to find out more about her
She's like refreshing, but warm

I'm wondering if I'll love her
She makes me smile so hard when
seems impossible

She's lovelier than lovely
She doesn't even know me but she
hugs me so much because I said I
needed it

And I crave her now
Like I crave sunshine
She is sunshine
315 · Jun 2014
Ra Jun 2014
Sweet smells reach my nose bitter
my body feels the terror before my heart does
then pain squeezes my heart before a thought can
formulate the memory

my body can remember faster than my mind
so I hide the shaking it does till I can catch up

this room seems empty to everyone else
but it's full to me
too full
I can hear the whispers of hate in here    
lies and shame
anger fighting righteous anger

it's pressing down on me so if I
reach out for your hand and you feel my fingers
intertwined with yours

I am just trying to anchor myself to the truth.
314 · Jun 2013
Dear Children
Ra Jun 2013
It's time you wrote some poetry
It doesn't have to rhyme
Just write pretty words and stuff you see
When you have the time

Read beautiful things that make no sense
Travel far away
Reading shouldn't make you tense
Or make your brain decay

Find the words that make you smile
And warm you up inside
Sit and write a little while
Let your dreams be occupied.
307 · Apr 2016
I love you
Ra Apr 2016
The first time I told you I love you
I didn't say it with my mouth
I took your hand and wrote it on your palm

Over the counter while you were at work
You looked at your hand, and you looked amused
Then I laughed and ran away
298 · Sep 2016
Father's Day
Ra Sep 2016
The night is on us
Not quietly tonight
The wind is singing to me.

I felt some peace today
A different kind of numb
I'll sit with it and rest in this calm.

I didn't feel Father's day
The way I often do
It was just there.

I don't care
That you don't love me
291 · Jun 2017
Be loved, Beloved.
Ra Jun 2017
I can taste your brokenness
bitter on my tongue
there's a fog forming between us
made of bitter, anger, broken

Happy is fragile when it's built on a billion grains of fury-word sand
sand sticks everywhere and even if you're enjoying the sun and the glittering, dancing sea
That sand's gonna rub your skin raw when the night's quiet and you're trying to get some rest
And forget trying to walk when it's in between your toes.

Careless words.
Care less words.
Words inflicted with no care
Designed to make you feel worthless
designed to make you feel worth less
worth less than a human
They speak to you:
'I don't care if I make you feel worth less than human.'

And they speak to you:
'My words are the sand in your bed, the sand between your toes, the sand that makes rest restless, the sand that makes walking hurt. My words are the words that make living hurt.'

Let ME speak to you. Let my words wash you.

You are the human who washes me.

You are the kindness that lifted me from surviving to alive
you are the love that relieved my lonely terror
Hear me? Terror.

Terror that grips, excruciating, inescapable,
none will love,
need to die, terror.

You are the smiles in my soul
You are the delight to my children
You are the delight to yours.
You are the security your daughter tests
You are the coach of your son.

You are the weakness of my heart
You are the carer of me.
You are a friend.

And even if you were not all this
If you just were
You are human, beloved.
280 · Mar 2016
Unsuicide Note
Ra Mar 2016
This is to write to you
The things I cannot say
The things I tell you all day
in my head.

I imagine I can tell you
that every morning I wake
I think about being dead.
And every night it's become my habit
to comfort myself with visions of that
until sleep arrives

But that's not to mean I will die
I'm just so numb.
I cannot tell you because people say
we say this for attention
Or to bestow you with responsibility

But although I want nothing more than for you
to come and hold me and offer me the comfort
I find in your arms
to replace the comfort of these relentless thoughts.
It is not your responsibility.

But let's not talk more of this
It's so boring.

Let's talk of how your hair smells
And your skin's so sweet and warm
and your mouth covers mine in friendly kisses.

How when I speak of pain you

embrace my hand with yours.
And even your hands are beautiful.

Of the look on your face when I showed you I had
drawn your feet.

How your eyes speak things to me.
Do mine speak to you?

What have my eyes already told you?
Maybe they've told you of this pain and my
tongue will never have to repeat it
and this poem can stay secret
278 · Jun 2016
The Itch is leaving
Ra Jun 2016
You were absent today
I didn't notice til 6pm
You've been fading out
Visiting less often
I won't miss you
***** Itch

You've been persistent
265 · Nov 2016
Magic Exists
Ra Nov 2016
So we can fly, to the sea,
   in the summer
      in the dark

And we can dance, to my home,
   I can show, you the park

Where I sat, under the moon
   and the dew, touched my skin

And I cried, all my lonely
But you warm me. You're my kin.
254 · Feb 2017
Ra Feb 2017
I can feel the heat rising hot and bitter in my chest
Jealousy, you're unwelcome
Choose to love, Choose to love.
I love you.

Be kind, do the right thing, be thoughtful
Love, love, love, love
Speak the truth
In love

Anger. Breathe. Love.
I am owed nothing.
I am hungry for love
But you do not owe it to me.

If I love, enough, will I be loved?
When will I be loved?

What can I do? What choices do I have?
Just love. Love you. Love them.

Pain. Cry. Breathe. Love.
250 · Jun 2016
What is she like?
Ra Jun 2016
She makes me want to write poetry better, when before, my ramblings were enough for me. But nothing's ever going to be enough for me again. I don't have enough to describe her to you, how she's so ordinary yet so extraordinary. How is it that she comforts me, yet she comforts me from the very ache she placed in my chest? I wanna talk about her to everyone, but they'll label this and that terrifies me, because this can't be labelled. If I can't describe this in so many paragraphs, why must people try to box it with one or two words?

Terrifying, she fills me with all kinds of terror. What if I'm too much for her? Yet each time I show her a little more of my dark soul, she kisses my mouth, and kisses it, too.

How does she get away with kissing my mouth anyway? I love her so ******* much. She lets me run my fingers through her hair and feel her scalp beneath my fingers like it's nothing, maybe it is nothing to her. And when I hold her from behind she turns her head and nuzzles into me and oh, it makes me adore her even more. And I tell her I adore her, so she sends me all those cute stickers with love hearts.

She says 'I love you' back. How does she love me?

She presses her head to mine and lets me gaze into those cornflower blue eyes, and our souls collide, my heart can't take this.

I find my lips kiss her neck and she doesn't seem to mind.

The butterflies she likes so much have taken up residence in my guts.

I want to protect her, and I want her to protect me, all at once.

I wanna ask her what this means, but I'm afraid of the answers. None of the answers are gonna get me closer to her.

I will always be insatiable.
245 · Jul 2017
Ra Jul 2017
Your hands are geographic art
by work
etched with language
they speak.
Hands hewn by your life
Hands full of memories
tracing new ones on my body
Light my skin on fire
Fill me up with fire.
215 · Oct 2017
10 weeks, 4 days.
Ra Oct 2017
I felt the gentle pop inside me and the warm
Water you were meant to be floating in
Ran down between my legs
And I knew I would never meet you.
213 · Aug 2016
In the morning
Ra Aug 2016
Outside in the morning
Smell the quiet sunlight
A breath of cool air tickling your skin
As the breeze plays gently with your hair
(It adores your existence)

Listen to how fiercely you are loved
Believe it in your soul
Be loved.
For how you are
And who you are.

Listen to the flowers waiting for you to see them
They're glistening with dew
They're wearing their favourite perfumes
They've arrived for you

Let their scent kiss your soul
As yours kisses mine.
Can you feel how much I love you?
Can you feel how much creation loves you?
190 · Aug 2016
Ra Aug 2016
I wish my poetry was better
I wish I could articulate my soul to you
For a moment could you absorb me
Could you hear your name in my heartbeat

My fingers remember yours, and miss them
They are lonely with me.
Lonely is the deadly ache
I fight it. But Lonely wants to **** me.

My soul is a labyrinth
Twisted joy and lonely, intense love for, the world
that doesn't much care for me
Please explore with me

A date inside the Labyrinth
Are you afraid of me?
I'm afraid
And I live here every day.

It's terrifyingly *****
And beautiful too
There's a golden thread of you
keeping me alive. Today.

— The End —