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May 2017
You reminded me of safety
Every time we spoke
My body trusted yours inexplicably
If only you knew
If only you knew

How my body has a mind of it's own and recoils at the close proximity of maleness

But not you.
It trusted you.

I was reminded of the last time I trusted boys
Before I was ripped by him
Before I grew up

When boys were my friends, and taught me about loyalty
Boys who I could trust
Boys who washed me naked in the shower when I'd played rough
Boys who slept beside me to keep me safe
Boys who were fun
Boys who saw me as a human
Back when I saw myself as a human

Before my human-ness was taken
Nauseating kisses
Adoration lies
Tip bourbon over my head when I cry
hold me down
closed fist on my head
abuse me until I bled
And I cry and I bleed and the pain is worst in my soul though there are bruises on my body

Tell me I'm a crazy ***** and I have no hope and I'm useless I've wasted all my talent and I will be nothing without him and I am ***** and I am a mess and I am not a real woman I can't cook I can't clean "How will you feed that baby in your belly?" and you need to lose weight you're getting fat and fit people are only attracted to fit people and you dress like a boy I don't wanna **** a boy and you dress like a child (Wait, I am a child.) You're lazy and you're stupid and your Mum's useless too and your brother is a kitchen-***** and he's weak coz he does everything you ever ask of him. You're the reason I have to drink.

Laugh at me when I cry.

Why don't you love me? I love you! Please just give me a hug.

So he hugs me and crushes me so I can't breathe
Who knew someone could make hugs vicious

Even when I escaped him I couldn't escape him

He's everywhere

Hate like nothing else
I know he wants me dead

I want me dead too.

I learn to love but not with my body
Not with my body. My body is mine now. Finally mine.

I love and I love but I float unconnected
I'm lost but I love
I know in my soul I am worthless
But I love and I love

I know I am worthless because I am no-ones priority
But I love and I love

And now you're here.

Reminding me of safety
Every time we speak

And I sit beside you comfortably and I wonder why the smell of the beer
on you
Isn't making me feel sick tonight

Talk thoughtfully of politics
And Lady Gaga
Win me over

I am comfortable in your arms
I know you're attracted but I still feel safe and I wonder
And I wonder
And there's a shooting star
I wonder
What would it be like to kiss this beautiful, safe man
So I kiss you and it's sweet and gentle and kind
And I wonder
And I wonder
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