You reminded me of safety
Every time we spoke
My body trusted yours inexplicably
If only you knew
If only you knew

How my body has a mind of it's own and recoils at the close proximity of maleness

But not you.
It trusted you.

I was reminded of the last time I trusted boys
Before I was ripped by him
Before I grew up

When boys were my friends, and taught me about loyalty
Boys who I could trust
Boys who washed me naked in the shower when I'd played rough
Boys who slept beside me to keep me safe
Boys who were fun
Boys who saw me as a human
Back when I saw myself as a human

Before my human-ness was taken
Nauseating kisses
Adoration lies
Tip bourbon over my head when I cry
hold me down
closed fist on my head
abuse me until I bled
And I cry and I bleed and the pain is worst in my soul though there are bruises on my body

Tell me I'm a crazy ***** and I have no hope and I'm useless I've wasted all my talent and I will be nothing without him and I am ***** and I am a mess and I am not a real woman I can't cook I can't clean "How will you feed that baby in your belly?" and you need to lose weight you're getting fat and fit people are only attracted to fit people and you dress like a boy I don't wanna **** a boy and you dress like a child (Wait, I am a child.) You're lazy and you're stupid and your Mum's useless too and your brother is a kitchen-***** and he's weak coz he does everything you ever ask of him. You're the reason I have to drink.

Laugh at me when I cry.

Why don't you love me? I love you! Please just give me a hug.

So he hugs me and crushes me so I can't breathe
Who knew someone could make hugs vicious

Even when I escaped him I couldn't escape him

He's everywhere

Hate like nothing else
I know he wants me dead

I want me dead too.


I learn to love but not with my body
Not with my body. My body is mine now. Finally mine.

I love and I love but I float unconnected
I'm lost but I love
I know in my soul I am worthless
But I love and I love

I know I am worthless because I am no-ones priority
But I love and I love

And now you're here.

Reminding me of safety
Every time we speak

And I sit beside you comfortably and I wonder why the smell of the beer
on you
Isn't making me feel sick tonight

Talk thoughtfully of politics
And Lady Gaga
Win me over

I am comfortable in your arms
I know you're attracted but I still feel safe and I wonder
how
And I wonder
And there's a shooting star
I wonder
What would it be like to kiss this beautiful, safe man
So I kiss you and it's sweet and gentle and kind
And I wonder
And I wonder

I can taste your brokenness
bitter on my tongue
there's a fog forming between us
made of bitter, anger, broken

Happy is fragile when it's built on a billion grains of fury-word sand
sand sticks everywhere and even if you're enjoying the sun and the glittering, dancing sea
That sand's gonna rub your skin raw when the night's quiet and you're trying to get some rest
And forget trying to walk when it's in between your toes.

Careless words.
Care less words.
Words inflicted with no care
degradation
Designed to make you feel worthless
designed to make you feel worth less
worth less than a human
They speak to you:
'I don't care if I make you feel worth less than human.'

And they speak to you:
'My words are the sand in your bed, the sand between your toes, the sand that makes rest restless, the sand that makes walking hurt. My words are the words that make living hurt.'

Let ME speak to you. Let my words wash you.

You are the human who washes me.

You are the kindness that lifted me from surviving to alive
you are the love that relieved my lonely terror
Hear me? Terror.

Terror that grips, excruciating, inescapable,
none will love,
need to die, terror.

You are the smiles in my soul
You are the delight to my children
You are the delight to yours.
You are the security your daughter tests
You are the coach of your son.

You are the weakness of my heart
You are the carer of me.
You are a friend.

And even if you were not all this
If you just were
You.
You are human, beloved.

This is to write to you
The things I cannot say
The things I tell you all day
in my head.

I imagine I can tell you
that every morning I wake
I think about being dead.
And every night it's become my habit
to comfort myself with visions of that
until sleep arrives

But that's not to mean I will die
I'm just so numb.
I cannot tell you because people say
we say this for attention
Or to bestow you with responsibility

But although I want nothing more than for you
to come and hold me and offer me the comfort
I find in your arms
to replace the comfort of these relentless thoughts.
It is not your responsibility.

But let's not talk more of this
It's so boring.

Let's talk of how your hair smells
glorious
And your skin's so sweet and warm
and your mouth covers mine in friendly kisses.

How when I speak of pain you

embrace my hand with yours.
And even your hands are beautiful.

Of the look on your face when I showed you I had
drawn your feet.

How your eyes speak things to me.
Do mine speak to you?

What have my eyes already told you?
Maybe they've told you of this pain and my
tongue will never have to repeat it
and this poem can stay secret

Outside in the morning
Smell the quiet sunlight
A breath of cool air tickling your skin
As the breeze plays gently with your hair
(It adores your existence)

Listen to how fiercely you are loved
Believe it in your soul
Be loved.
For how you are
And who you are.

Listen to the flowers waiting for you to see them
They're glistening with dew
They're wearing their favourite perfumes
They've arrived for you

Let their scent kiss your soul
As yours kisses mine.
Can you feel how much I love you?
Can you feel how much creation loves you?