alone in your mind
                                you try not to think
                    cause It sends shivers
          down your spine
every time
       you remember
                 how the world seemed to freeze
                             deep and dark like December
                                                           It's over now
                                                                        but the pain
                                                                               still remains
                                                                          like a tattoo in your brain
                                            so you push it down you push through
                and remember the one that used to push you                             close your eyes and try to recall
                 all the things you used to do
                                                      together
                                                             forever, a promise they
                                                                                COULD NOT KEEP
                                        you slip into waters too deep to climb out
                                on your own
              searching for a home
longing for love
       praying you wont always be alone
                               that at the end of it all
                                             you'll have someone to call
                                                          or something to break your fall
                                  

                                 Ring.. Ring.. Ringgg...
                               oh **** is that my phone ?

why does this happen every time
why are there so many happy families just not mine
why have i lost the one thing i cant find
why do i have a broken mind
and broken home
and scars from being left alone
and a fear rooted so deeply in my bones
knowing that i haven't grown and that ill be
6ft under with a stone
that says failure

Each
Day
I
Pray
To slay
My depression.
Never been a quitter,
But I’d like to quit this obsession.
This obsession with my sadness.
And with my social status.
It’s like I fetishize the madness
Endlessly raging
Inside of my soul.
And I swear I don’t have
A place to just go
And lay low
For a while.

A place where I don’t
Have
To
Fake
A
Smile.

I sink down deeper
gasping for air
farther and farther
your not there
you where supposed to raise me
to build me up
but I did that myself
I didn't give up
then I raised them to
with out you
did your part on my own
but now you tell me
to stop acting grown

I wish I could tell your that to be yourself is enough
but I can't because I know
assumptions will be made
based solely on your shade,your gender,age,or what you believe
but I want you to know you are enough for me
that someone loves you even though you may not see
but you need to be enough for you
cause if one thing I know is true
is you will never be happy if all you do is for another
yes you should be there for each other
but you should also live for you
but that is just some friendly advice
in the end you are accountable
for what you do

even with a map
I'd still get lost in those eyes
and weaving paths of twisted lies
played with my mind
gain my trust
now I feel I'm not enough
as I find
you and her for the
     THIRD.
          *******.
                    TIME.

I put on my big boy pants,
My big boy shoes,
My big boy shirt
In shaded blues.
I put on my big boy hat,
My big boy tie,
My big boy suit
And my big boy lies.
I put on my big boy smile,
My big boy pills,
My big boy dreams
Went to hell with a chill.
I put on my big boy tears,
My big boy belt,
My big boy face
To hide what I felt.
I put on my big boy job,
My big boy stress,
My big boy lonely nights
Spent behind a desk.
I put on my big boy cross,
My big boy prayer,
My big boy goodbyes
As I said how well I’d fair.
I put on my big boy rope
In my big boy cell,
Took my big boy courage,

And I killed myself.

They took my big boy clothes
And stripped me down bare
And all that was left
Was their little boy, scared.