what if I told you
that you didn’t have to fool me
and you don’t have to convince the world
that you have it all together
and that your world is so bright behind those rose-colored shades.

I can see past the filters and through your deceit,
your world isn’t as lovely as it seems.
but still for the audience you display a false sense of happiness
a staged idea of having it all together
so busy convincing others —
perhaps you’ll never know when you’ll be content.

it’s exhausting, isn’t it?
trying to maintain appearances?
the picture you painted for me is not the one you paint for your audience.

just
be
you

the words you’ve written are forever etched onto the walls of my mind.
frozen in time — the person I always wanted you to be, the love I always wanted to see, is trapped inside your own poetry.
but even still, I occasionally find myself tracing my fingers over the etchings you’ve left.

In a perfect world
Time would be tangible
I could relive the sweet moments a million times,
Feeling the same fire of emotion as I felt before

I could use the hindsight of what I’ve learned to see and do things differently
To return to a place in the past with the wisdom I have now
To alter the course of timelines and erase the wrongs

All to conjure a future just as I dreamt it,
With all the beautiful fantasies I had of us
And every blissful moment in between

A race from past to future,
trying to create what the present could be,
If only in my own imagination.
If only time could work differently.

the best and the worst part about missing you
is that I only think of the good times that we had together

I had been drowning for so long
fighting to stay afloat
feet kicking while I’m slowly sinking
desperately gasping to breathe

I figured that it was hopeless,
in what appeared to be an endless sea
helplessly flailing about in the water
there’s no one here that can rescue me

“how can you drown
if you know how to swim?”
but even a fish can drown in the water

time has passed and I’m feeling defeated
I can no longer fight
I let my body surrender
I close my eyes as I’m falling backwards
waiting to be swept away by the tide

but instead,
just as I thought I’d vanish completely
I became weightless
I was no longer sinking
I open my eyes
a rush of relief
I begin to float
and I am able to breathe.

So effortless it came, hurling its way through each barrier I had fought so hard to keep up.
It held me tight in a familiar but long forgotten wave of emotion.
The sweet embrace of his touch, the most secure feeling of being wrapped in his arms, the way his lips felt when they were pressed against mine...
Amidst all of my emotions for a new love, it all came rushing back to you, just for a moment that seemed to last forever. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t felt these things since I was so in love with you..
The way he would gaze into my eyes and light up at my smile,
his gentle touch and soft spoken demeanor,
his infectious smile that would make me nervous every time..
It had been years since I had felt these very same things with you, the same traits and characteristics I would always admire and continue to fall for in a person.

Swiftly as it came, the big beautiful wave of emotion was gone even faster. In hindsight, were my feelings so strong because they reminded me of you? Or because I missed the feeling of being happy and in love and all of the beautiful waves of emotion that came with it?

So it wasn’t love, it was just a wave of emotion and nostalgia that came crashing,
beautiful and devastating just the same.

my love
is warm and welcoming
unconditional and forgiving
undeniably passionate
yet you drained that love from me
pouring it out and wasting it away
because you believed it would never cease
taken for granted time and time again
I became accustomed to feeding your heart
without first caring for mine
until the love had withered
and there wasn’t enough for both of us

I thirsted for the love
that you wouldn’t give me
because I gave all I had to you