All I want is for you
To stop.
Stop acting like nothing happened;
You and I both know
You only came back to me
Because it was convenient.
And now you're like a ghost;
When I speak to you
It haunts me because
It's like you're not really there.
You're only a memory
Of what used to be.
I can't decide what's more painful:
The fact that everything we
Used to have,
Used to know,
Has vanished,
Or the fact that
We never really needed each other
In the first place.

i have told the story of how you destroyed me so many times
and the funny part is
that i tell it the same way every time
but this last time that i told it
it felt different
and
i have spent a long time thinking you took up more space than you actually did
because i dedicated a whole chapter of my life to you
and for a while
that was the only chapter i was reading
but
it turns out you were just another paragraph
in the story that is my life
and
my story is my favorite book to read
so i won't let you ruin my favorite book for me
you barely deserve a page
there is no way in hell i'm giving you a chapter

i really have been trying not to make everything my problem
so when my mom called me
and she told me i should be more sympathetic rather than empathetic
i knew that she was right
but mom, it doesn't make it any easier

because mom,
you taught me to pick others up before myself, even if it made it a little harder for me to stand up
because mom,
you taught me to love with my entire being, even if it ended with a tear stained pillow and broken heart
because mom,
you taught me not to say no to a good thing, even if it meant you had to help me pick up the broken pieces in the end
because mom,
you taught me that i still need to put myself first sometimes, because loving myself is the most important
and mom,
when you called me
and you told me i should be more sympathetic rather than empathetic
i knew you were right
and i want you to know that i'm trying
but it's because i grew up my entire life watching how you always put everyone before you, even if it literally wore you to the ground
and mom,
i'll appreciate that forever

so mom,
i'll promise to try and put myself first, if you'll do the same.

you asked to read one of my poems tonight
and i watched you as your eyes floated over my words
i tried so hard to read your expression and failed
but no matter what
i was so proud of what i had written
and i was so proud that you wanted to read it at all
you asked me when i had written it and and you seemed shocked when i said
"this morning"
you put your hand in mine and kissed my shoulder
you were proud of me
you didn't have to say anything i could tell
i could tell
i let you read one of my poems tonight
and i know it's only a matter of time
until you are reading this one too

will you forgive me
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed

i will.

i will forgive myself
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
i will forgive myself
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed
i will forgive myself
and
i will forgive myself for ever even thinking that i would not

sometimes
I wish I wasn’t nice to him
even though
I know that was the best way to handle it
even though
he ended up apologizing
even though
it would have hurt so much more to be rude
I still sometimes wish
that I wasn’t nice to him
because i’m afraid that maybe he took my niceness as an invitation
maybe he took it as a welcome mat in front of a brand new house
and maybe because I was nice to him he thinks what he did was okay
and maybe because of me he will do this to someone else
because maybe I didn’t make his life hellish enough
but trust me when I say that if I made his life hell
it would only have made my life worse too
because every time I said his name
he would say mine twice
and I was tired of my name getting swarmed up in the monster that was his lips
because I had already had enough
but sometimes I still wish that I dragged him through the dirt
and made him feel how deep the imaginary scars in my chest stung
and let him know that he was so lucky that I was so nice to him
because I really did have the power to snap him in half
but I didn’t want anyone to feel the pain I was feeling
not even him
so I was nice to him

i'm sorry that i keep talking about how lucky i feel
but if i am being completely honest
i'm just trying to soak it all in while i can
because i cannot control the fear in the back of my mind
that is telling me this has to be too good to be true
because it terrifies me everyday that i like you as much as i do
because i don't want to be hurt again
because losing you would probably hurt the most
because for once in my life i feel like i deserve this
and i feel like i deserve you
and because i do feel lucky
and i'm sorry that i feel like i have to apologize for that

I'm at a loss of words,
And this time
It's not for the usual reasoning
That you astonish me
To a point of speechlessness.
This time it's because
I miss you
And I'm struggling to speak to you
Without those three words
Tumbling out of my mouth.