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q Sep 2018
i can’t stop
checking our messages
i can’t stop
waiting for you
i can’t stop
thinking about you
i know
i should be able to
but it doesn’t matter
what i’m doing
i’m always thinking
about you
and the hardest part
is that i know
you’re not thinking
about me
q Aug 2018
i am afraid to love you
i love abundantly and unapologetically
i am afraid to hold you
i might never want to let go
i am afraid to be with you
i know that i can be overwhelming
i am afraid to leave you
i don't know what comes next
q Dec 2018
"some of us are born chasing poetry"

chasing heart break
chasing writing prompts
chasing closure
chasing tears
chasing something
our fingers will never
be able to grasp

some of us
are tired of running

sit down
take a breath
there is no need chase
you are enough
you have always been enough

there is no need to chase the wholeness
you can fill
you have always been able to fill
q Oct 2018
a list of things to do "when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis"

1.  put on your diffuser, put in lavender essential oil, remember that this is what waiting for her smells like
2. go for a walk, but not where the two of you used to walk together, try not to think of how you two used to match your pace with every step
3. do not call her, call your best friend, do not think of how you would rather be calling her and ignoring the very people who are trying to support you
4. play music, but do not put it on shuffle, and do not think about how you would so much rather be listening to the playlist she made and then updated the day you started dating
5. write a poem, but ignore how every poem you write in the collection that has become your every day life still leads back to her
6. do not cry, you have already shed enough tears over someone who can ignore you
7. if you do start to cry, say it is because of your dad, or your work load, or because it is raining and you just have never really been able to enjoy the rain, do not admit that she has the strings to your heart and somehow you are still a puppet
8. make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, and let yourself feel, remember that even if it feels like the hands on the clock have arthritis, slow progress is still progress, you are whole and time will pass
a response to rudy fransisco
q Sep 2018
for so long
i gave all of my love
to you
if you
would have asked
for my heart
or my hand
or my head
i would have
happily given it
to you
but now
i think maybe
it is time
to give myself
all of my love
q Jan 2019
i keep thinking about
when she told me i was
“a lot”
she meant it as an insult
i know that
but i do not understand
how being “a lot”
is a bad thing
what she meant
was that my love
overwhelmed her
i felt emotions
she did not understand
or maybe i just understood
those same emotions differently
i loved with every part of my being
i think it is a compliment
to be able to love “a lot”
to be able to laugh “a lot”
to be able to care “a lot”
i have decided that
i am done apologizing
i am ready to wear
“a lot”
across my chest
like a scarlet letter
and embrace the woman
i am now becoming
q Dec 2018
i never know
which to write
when i sit down
and write to myself
q Oct 2018
i write them in my notes
keep them like postcards
i cannot bring myself to send
i want to tell you i'm sorry
because i am
i'm really sorry
i'm sorry
that was the best we could do
i'm sorry
that i asked too much of you
i'm sorry
i acted so selfish
i'm sorry
it has taken me so long
i'm sorry
i cannot bring myself to send
the **** postcard
q Jan 2019
after this year
you deserve more than an ode
you deserve a symphony
a compilation of
every tear
every laugh
every song
every poem
every doubt
every moment
if it was not for you
i would not be here
you are stronger than
i could have imagined
if you decided to collapse
to breakdown
to give up
all i would be able to say
is thank you
how did you do it for so long
but you did not
you leave me wondering
what you are made of
i am surprised
that we are one in the same
and body
i know this **** doesn’t matter
but you are beautiful
every scar
every freckle
every stretch mark
every bruise
forms into a painting
colorful and wild and incredible
you deserve a million odes
but i only have one
thank you will never be enough
but it is all i have
thank you
q Nov 2018
but this time
it was me
doing the hurting
i cannot apologize enough
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i never wanted to hurt you
i know that does not mean anything
because i did
i did hurt you
so i will give you every
i'm sorry
i have and hope
you can use them to heal
q Oct 2018
after her i thought
maybe i am
a “real” lesbian
because when i was searching
for someone new
i kept finding myself
wanting to be
in a girls arms
but that is not because
i am a lesbian
it is because
through all of my searching
i still think
i was looking for her
so when i ended up
with a boys hand
tangled in mine
his lips pressed gently
and then not so gently
against mine
i knew that
i had been looking
for her
but now
i am just looking
for me
q Feb 2019
i do not believe in god
but i do believe in poetry
and for me
maybe poetry is prayer
and the universe
is an unwavering ear
in the shape of a god
q Oct 2018
i don't know what i want
but i do know
i am going to need
somebody who is
willing to be
my heart has been broken
my voice has been stollen
i am no longer naive
to heartbreak
and i am afraid to
tell you what i need
because i am not asking
you to wait
but i hope that you
will stay
q Aug 2018
i am going to miss
the car alarm
that is your
when i lay
my head
on your chest
q Dec 2018
if my body
is no longer my home
where do i belong
q Nov 2018
i, too
have poems titled after songs
i can no longer listen to
q Dec 2018
i have stopped
letting my sober
thoughts and poetry
wander to you
months after
we are over
my drunk poetry
still finds its way
to you
i am sorry
q Aug 2018
i always wait for her
during a storm
i wait for her to text
to call
to smile
to laugh
she is not afraid
of storms
she uses the
lightning flashes
as fuel and
the thunder cracks
as ammunition
how is something
that i am so afraid of
something she can
build from
q Dec 2018
when the easy choice
is not the right choice
i am begging you
to pick what is right
not what is easy
q Dec 2018
best friend
i am still angry
you do not always
get to pick the easy way
without hurting anyone
and it always seems to be me
the one who feels the hurting
i know you are trying
but this is not about you
sometimes i just need you
to support me
q Oct 2018
the boy who grabbed me at a party
and ran his hand up my inner thigh
while i stood tense and
pushed his hand away
lives on the 13th floor of my building
i get to ride the elevator with him
while he takes out his trash
and somehow i feel ashamed
the air in the elevator seems to disappear
i have to remind myself how to breathe
i think about how i should not have worn
THAT costume
because somehow my clothes act as
an invitation to my body
and when my friend sees him get in the elevator
she can no longer speak
and when the doors to my floor finally open
i cannot stop myself from crying
the tears feel hot running down my cheeks
and i have to remind myself
that the air is safe to breathe
that my body belongs to me
that i did not invite this
q Sep 2018
when my best friend told me
“when i love someone,
i am going to to love them
with everything inside of me”
i finally felt understood
because i did love her
with everything inside of me
i don’t know how to not
and that’s the thing about me
i am an all or nothing
kind of girl
if i love you
i will love every part of you
with my whole being
i will become blind by love
that is not to say
i am not scared
i am terrified
because i know
that if this love ends
it will break me
because if i have given you
every part of me
will you ever be able to
give it all back when
you are done using it
and that is why i never
let myself love before you
i thought you would be more careful
because i explained this all to you
but love is not careful
love is fragile and breakable
and if i had to have my heart broken
i am still glad
it was by you
q Dec 2018
months after you left
slamming the door shut
behind you
i am still
breaking my nails
trying to pry myself
back open
q Jan 2019
i want to write myself 14 odes
one ode for every minute
it took for you
to break my heart
one ode for every day
in the month
it took for me to tell you
i had feelings for you
one ode for every page
you read in the book
you kept from me
for months
but maybe 14 odes
is not enough
i want to write an ode
for every time i doubted myself
to prove to myself
i have always been enough
i want to write 14 odes
because i want to change the number
i see it everywhere
and just one time
i want it to belong to me
q Aug 2018
i am terrible
at saying goodbye
and i don't think
it is because
i am scared of leaving
i am scared of changing
i know we will never
be the same
this summer
changed us
and i don't know
what comes after
q Jan 2019
today when i heard your voice
i did not sob
i was not sad
i was not angry
i was not hopeful
i was not confused
i did not feel
i now know
i am making progress
really ******* slow progress
but to not feel
when i hear your voice
means that i am okay
i will be okay
you are not in control of me
you never were
q Nov 2018
thank you
for always being "here"
for me
but sometimes
i need you to be here
and i know that is not possible
but sometimes
a phone call
is not enough
i need more
a hug
somewhere to put my head
and i'm sorry
that i am falling apart
i don't know what else to do
q Sep 2018
and yes
i hate myself
for needing to
hear you say
i did nothing wrong
i wish i didn't
need to feel validated
but i needed to know
that this was real for you
that you don't regret it
and you don't hate me
q Oct 2018
i am both
to be back here
q Sep 2018
homesick can’t be the right word
what is the word
for missing a place
that no longer exists
the buildings are still there
but the place i miss
with the people i miss
is no longer there
so why do i miss it so badly
homesick isn’t the right word
for missing somewhere
that you can never have back
q Sep 2018
i hate that you still have
so much power over me
and i know
i am the one
giving you this power
the way you can hurt me
like no one else
and how i still dream
about you
like some part of my mind
still needs you
and i don't understand
how you can ignore me
the way you do
because if you ever
loved me the way you
told me you did
you could not do this
erase us
erase me
and i wonder
if we can ever be friends
because what you are doing
is cruel
and i can forgive you
for breaking my heart
but i do not know
if i can forgive you
for hurting me
and over
and over
and over
q Sep 2018
i hate myself
for needing closure
that you are not willing
to give me
i hate myself
for having to ask
i hate myself
for still caring about you
i hate myself
for still loving you
i hate myself
for not seeing
the way you treated me
was never what i deserved
i think part of the damage
is that when i was with you
i lost part of myself
i began to hate parts of me
that i used to love
and now
i don't know how
to love all of myself
to love the parts
you helped me hate
q Jan 2019
i am from
chipped yellow nail polish
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
i am from
bare feet on the driveway
i am from
shooting stars and full moons
i am from
the rolling stones on vinyl
i am from
poetry books and lavender tea
i am from
vines encapsulating the brick walls
i am from
lazy sundays
i am from
brown eyes
i am from
never enough snow days
i am from
pausing and rewinding movies
i am from
where time moves a bit slower
i am from
where happiness is the same as sunshine
i am from
i am from
q Jan 2019
i am from
chipped yellow nail polish
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
i am from
bare feet on the driveway
i am from
shooting stars and full moons
i am from
the rolling stones on vinyl
i am from
poetry books and lavender tea
i am from
vines encapsulating the brick walls
i am from
lazy sundays
i am from
brown eyes
i am from
never enough snow days
i am from
pausing and rewinding movies
i am from
where time moves a bit slower
i am from
i am from
mom, i’m sorry
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
q Dec 2018
i have a terrible habit
of attaching
emotional and sentimental value
to objects
books in particular
so when i gave you
one of my favorites
along with my heart
i expected you
to treat it well
and to give it back
when you were done using it
and now we are here
far past the end of everything
and you still have that book
my first sense of representation
the first book i truly found myself in
and you have now robbed me
of that home
over and over again
i cannot help but be angry
q Dec 2018
there are still parts of me
trying to forget you
i want to forget the good
i want to erase me
from your memory
not all of me
but just the parts
that made you stop loving me
that is not to say
i want us to be in love again
i do not
but i do not want
every memory you have of me
coated in a thick layer
of regret
q Nov 2018
i didn't want to write
anymore love poems
i thought
no one else
deserves my pen
my thoughts
my heart
but i forgot
that it is me
it is my turn
that my love
does not have to be
directed at others
all of the time
q Sep 2018
i feel bad calling you
when things get bad
you have always been
the person i called
but now that things
are finally good for you
and you finally got
what you deserve
i don't know how to call
q Nov 2018
i could have said no
when you asked
i didn’t want you to feel bad
but i was drunk
too drunk to say yes
too drunk for yes to mean yes
and you knew that
you should have known that
i don’t know if you knew that
and now
i don’t know what to call that night
to call you
that night is still fuzzy
my memory is blurred
but all i remember
is wanting it to stop
so badly
and not saying anything
i could have said something
why couldn’t i say anything
q Sep 2018
i even dream about you
except for yesterday
it wasn't a dream
it was a nightmare
and for the first time
maybe this
didn't feel like a dream
q Sep 2018
i gave you every chance
to tell me
i gave you every chance
to talk to me
i gave you every chance
to love me
but you shut me out
and again
and again
how do you think i feel
q Sep 2018
i said it out loud
for the first time
if you asked me
to get back together
i would say no
i no longer want to be with you
i have never been treated worse
you must know
how badly
you are hurting me
you must know
that i am not okay
you must know
that what you are doing is cruel
you still know me
so do not pretend
you do not know what you’re doing  
we both know
you are making me feel horrible
so please don’t pretend
what you’re doing is okay
q Nov 2018
i don't know how to feel
am i allowed to be sad
am i allowed to cry
i did this
i picked this
i hurt you
so i know i don't get to cry
here i am
pages wet
ink and mascara running
q Sep 2018
i keep feeling like
i'm asking too much of you
that my expectations are too high
sometimes when i text you
i feel crazy
but maybe
i'm not asking too much of you
maybe i'm not expecting enough for myself
q Oct 2018
and now that you have seen all of me
not all of me exactly
but more of me than anyone else
i am terrified
because i still feel vulnerable
in your arms
q Sep 2018
i should have taken it as sign
when you told me
you hated poetry
not because
i need you to like
everything i like
or i need you to appreciate
everything i appreciate
but because
when i told you
what it felt like for me
to write poetry
and to read poetry
the feeling of being
grounded and understood
all at once
the feeling of
having somewhere to escape to
and finding a home
you still told me
you hated poetry
q Aug 2018
you can't always tell me
how much you love me
i can't tell if you have a hard time saying it
because of me
or because of you
i have no trouble telling you i love you
i write poems and paint pictures
expressing myself has never been hard
i think that's why it is easier for you
to not be able to hold my hand
as we walk down the street
to not be able to kiss me in public
to not be able to show me you love me
but when it's just us
and we get to be alone
i can feel your heart beat like a car alarm
and i watch your nose scrunch
as your cheeks melt into a smile
everything else falls to the side
nothing else has mattered
and all that i need
is you
q Nov 2018
i want to be done
begging you for an answer
i want to be done
caring about your reaction
i want to be done
waiting for you
i've done it long enough
i've tried so hard
i've spent too many nights crying
waiting for something to change
but maybe it is you
maybe you changed
maybe you are not the person
i remember you to be
maybe you forgot how to care
about me
maybe you didn't forget
maybe this hurts you too
but if you can't talk to me
i will never know
but i cannot continue to wait
i want to be done
q Sep 2018
and the hardest part is
all i want to do
is call my mom
i want to tell her everything
i want to tell her about you
the loving
the longing
the leaving
but the last person i can call
is my mom
q Dec 2018
i wish i cheated on her
i wish i did something wrong
something i could pinpoint
give me a place on a map
and i will cross the ocean
to find the answer
but there is no answer to this
there is no ocean to cross
there is silence
months of discomfort
there is no location
there is nothing left
nothing here for me
why am i still searching
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