The fog slowly lifts
      but still my body calls for it:
                                    come back,
                                    come back.
I could not bring it even if I
                            wanted to
                       which I do
                          and don't
                  at the same time.
                                     come back,
                                     come back.
                   I know where it is at
       but I cannot reach for it
                             the fog
          that will dull the pain
                 that will distance me
                                     come back,
                                     come back.

It's incredibly bizarre
to feel your
strongest
and
weakest
at the exact same time.

Nights are set to
destroy me
covering me
in cuts, bruises,
and words
the world is
crumbling around me

I have nothing left to give
you
I have given
   everything
And you have given me
nothing in return.

Somehow I feel like
I could have said something
If I had the chance to talk
Somehow I could have helped your brain
You came to me
With what looked like a plea
Said that you liked me
But I was scared of your identity
I fell in love with you
A little bit that day
That you told me it
was the first time
You'd ever kissed in the rain
Those were the days that you helped take
the pain away
Before you jumped onto that train
And it took away your sanity.

How could you leave like that?
Suddenly you're gone
Suddenly there's darkness
Where the moon once shone

My heart can't find it's beat
And my legs can't find my feet
My stomach's turning in circles,
I've forgotten how to eat.

Where's the chord at, Matt?
Did you finally find the free?
Did you finally find the dose
that would cure your insanity?
You used to look at me
With the most childlike of smiles
It drove my heart wild
But now the thought burns inside
Your song
Those words
That will be the last time I ever heard
Your voice.
Your choice.
And I lock myself inside my head
Grab the pen
Work out all this
Frustration.

And even though she warms me
About the place that you are heading
That you will need me
That something bad will happen if I'm not there for you

Part of me is angry
And wants to see you fall
Wants to prove that
I was right all along
Part of me wants to see you crash
I tried to help, to change for so long
That I finally gave up

And you will finally understand why
You will finally understand me

Even though it is far too late for you to
Come back and change anything
You will know why I did the things I did,
Said the things I said.

And you will know you should have listened
And you will have learned.

But part of me knows
It won't change a thing.

I wish I had the perfect words to say
Wish I had the perfect plan to pull
To open your eyes,
To pull off the veil
I wish that deep down inside
You wanted to stay
You didn't want to be like them
You didn't want to be a part of them.

I wish you could see
How ******* it is.
I wish you didn't believe.
I wish you could actually be the complete perfect picture that I paint in my head.

But that won't ever happen.

Still
I look for any clue or excuse
For you to not love the thing I hate

Is it impossible?
Am I wasting my time?

Most of the
time it's forgotten.
But in times
like this I am
reminded.
I wish you could
come
but you "can't",
wish I wasn't
a secret
but I
"must be".
I am reminded
that we
don't have a
normal, free
relationship
and we never
will.

i crave
         everything you give me
          the sweet perfection
             inside the chaos
             you give me thrills
                An emotional high
      always want you near by
         or sleeping in my bed
            that weekend
            is the way I want to live
      while i am dreaming of those days
         you excite me with
                                           your hunger
                                           your lust
                                           your love
    I've never met a more
         incredible person
                      than you

                                     So I try to be
                                       GRATEFUL
                          in the empty moments
                                that
                                   I can still see
                                        your face
        feel the warmth
              of your flame
     sit still until
         our heartbeats
             are exactly the same

   My darling       you are
              inside my head
               where you live
       Every second
                     I think of you

I wonder sometimes though
      when will you
       want me to cage
            the bird that
                             sings
         'you are my
                     everything everything
                                  everything'

So that you may truly
                       call it yours?
     Or
          can  you learn to let me
             use my wings

                    and love me still?

Make up your mind,
use your own device
See with your eyes
Uncover what other things
they've blinded
Like with religion
they try to keep it hidden

Reveal the secret

Are these drugs really doing bad
     Or are they good?
Haven't you seen the smile on my face
Have you not heard my song?

That look in his eyes
And I retreated
To the dark, dark place where even my mind won't bother me.
Where I become nothing
And nothing welcomes me.

I retreat to the place I have not been
For such a while
And I don't even feel myself falling
Into black.

Time ceases.
Nothing consumes.

But his voice becomes light
And its kindness pulls to me
"Come back," he says.
"Come back."
My eyes open to him
And he gazes back at me,
Perfect and sweet.
"Where did you go?
You left me all alone."
That is it.
He understands.

And I will never feel for anyone

What I feel for this perfection in front of me.

I will never be able to love someone

As much as I love him.

of times when things were wonderful
                                                       ­  between you & I
when it was as simple as 'I love you'
                                                         with no 'but...'s attached
memories of sun and rain and darkness
memories of the smile you used to wear,
                                                         how you used to laugh,
who you used to be...

only memories of holding you, you holding me,
                                those silly little fights we used to have
memories of you before you became what you are
                                                             ­                            today

Seems like centuries ago when you would look
               into my eyes like I was your everything
Seems so long since you actually looked into
               my eyes at all

I had been holding on to you
as if you were those memories...
But I Finally Let Go.

To have him be like you were
To have him care about me more than about himself
For him and I to share our own little apartment
Own little bed
For it not to be impossible to live with him without bickering
To have a grip on who I am
And not have to give up anything or anyone
To not be angry with my mother
And have my lip pierced.
For college and the future not be be some scary thing.
To know a direction to take.
He could have those posters on his wall
We wouldn't have to smoke
Or drink for that buzz
That erases the sting.
For him staying through everything
To not be the
Base good thing
Or to have you here still
Never have left
Still dreaming of something
As simple as December walks
And waking up with the sun.

I know before
those words would have been
a blessed rainstorm
in a desert
but now
they seem a bit too much
like desperate measures.
I know before
those sweet three words
would be all I needed
But now my thirst
will only disperse
with something a bit sweeter,
a bit deeper
more than just some promise
of perfect love in the future.
the future is NOW,
my love.
my boat's slowly
drifting off to sea
and if you do not catch it soon
You may just miss out
on me...

I don't know why
But sometimes I
Just feel like I can't breathe
Sometimes certain somethings
make me lose my inner peace
A feeling comes into my chest
Almost feels like it's not beating
I have to take a deep breath
And remember you're still with me

When I get into those funks
After hearing a sublime song,
Or hearing something about junk
Or just sitting in my head too long
I must be careful, must be cautious
Cause sometimes it makes me nauseous
And to keep from crying too much
I just remember that there's
No Such Thing As Dying

Divine words
that flow right through me
Catch me in the moments
      light
race a little faster
   than my mind
          can catch
   than my mind
          can remember

Where does this flow go
after it goes through me
Does that way continue
     And touch through to you?
Is that how we are
               connected
this wave of divine art
      these words
   that seem to be mine
          have flown
   where does this urge go
When I have satisfied it?

Can I lock it inside
   Because I am divine
  Remember my rhymes
            and speed up
     on my flow
          watch it go
can I make anything
    of these words
          in waves
inside of me?
  Their rhythm,
           if disturbed
    pauses

           halts

       breaks

    sometimes
disappears
com
plete
ly


gone.

I am strong
Without you.
May I be strong
With you?
Can I continue to be
The person I am
When I am alone
While I'm holding your hand?
Things change
But I refuse to change with them
Old times fade
But my life won't fade with them
My strength won't fade.
You are here
Because I allow you to be here
No more
And certainly no less
I have risen to the challenge
And the occasion
Has failed to make a fool
Out of me.
I look into your eyes
And there is no longer a mystery
I hold you in my arms
And there is no longer that feeling
That feeling I once had
Of an overwhelming love
There is only touch.
And arms.
There is only you and me
There is no longer forever.

For a second
They are both happy
For a second
The bees above my head are not killing themselves and each other with their stingers
For a second
My heart
and my soul
and my mind
are at peace
There is no heartache,
No headache
No sorrowful soul
Not a single temptation
to fall
It will not last long
But I achieved the impossible
For a second
I've got what makes me happy
For a second
There is peace
And already
I can feel that second
Slipping away

What if the afterlife
Was whatever you wanted it to be?
What if the heaven that existed
Was the heaven you believed?
Would you still follow all their rules
Would you still believe in one
Without me?
What if it was whatever you wanted
Would it still be the place they tell you to believe?

What if we were all free?
Free to make up our own minds
About what lies past that door.
What if we had never heard
Of a person named "God" before?

What would our own souls choose?
What would our own minds think up?

If we could create
Any heaven we wanted,

What would your heaven be?

Don't want my ink
Upon your skin
Don't let it in-
But tell me, sweet boy,
What are you afraid of?
That I'll make my mark on you?
A trace of me you can't undo?

Evidence of my love,
my lust,

and yours?

I'm tired
of everyday being an attack
I'm tired
of you
not being able to understand
I want to grow close
but you're pushing me away
And you justify
all those horrible things you say
by the ones I did
But baby
we're not going anywhere
If the past is always
next to you
We can't move forward
If we're constantly moving back.

Remember how you told me
that even after
That you wanted us still
to talk?

And now here we are
In the silence.

   Why do they always say that?

They say you should fix it.

It will be hard.

And I am waiting on just that.
But you cannot simply
say the word hard
Like it's just made of four letters,
Like it isn't your whole life
including
all the points in between
the helping.

I gave into suggestion
and I tried antidepressants
that ******* made me crazier
than I already am.
But when I find something
that helps me
I must take secret doses
because
it's not a prescription given
by someone
who doesn't know me.

Don't scold me
I'm doing all I can
to hold on.

My deck was shuffled,
the cards spit across the room.
I must
find
all the aces,
put
the deck
back together.

I finally have gathered
almost all
these squares,
these
unchecked boxes,
go back in order.

the aces
still
give me papercuts
so I leave
them on the floor

for now.

There's no bad time's a comin
There's no darkness to dread
For the darkness has set upon you, my child
And it will never end.
The pain will never end.

I want to lock this feeling in a box
So like a precious memory
I can keep it near my heart
And pull it out when the path is dark
For when the waiting is too long and cold
For when the future shows its darkened side
And for when you are nowhere to be found
When you are gone, disappeared like a distant dream
I can feel what it feels like to just hold you.
I can feel your warmth and your love right next to me
As if you weren't just some distant memory
For the nights when I cry because you're not around
I can calm myself down and just feel you

How do I survive this?
Surely, I know that I will
But sometimes my heart feels like it's breaking
Sometimes my skin feels so cold
Because I know you will be gone
And I won't have your lips to kiss
I won't have your gazing eyes
I won't have you to hold
Tell me
How do I survive?

Scared of myself
Of the power these hands have
To hurt
and to shred
and to tear me apart

Scared of the one thing I don't have
The courage to face my own darkness
Cause that means I have
To escape my own process

How do you do that?
Fight through the storm
With no tether or boat
I guess this is my one fighting chance
To write and to write and to write
To talk to that no one
Cause that's what I've got left

Until the clouds clear
Until it's warm again
Until someone sends a rescue ship

All I have to do is hang on till then.

And the pain comes back
To grip my chest back in its cage.

If this was a movie
there'd be a
      big fight scene
And we'd
      almost give up
                   all hope.

But at some point
         you'd realize
some things are
     worth war cries.
And you'd      stand up
                            and
                           fight
For our love.

you make me wonder
If I really am
As foolish as they say
If I am wasting
     All my love
On someone who can't
even see me
in the light of day.

Who are you
to play with me this way?
Who am I
to let you?

rub against me
make me spark
start a big flame
to take up all this
                cold dark
I burn for you.

Throw water on me
watch the flame
                    disappear
walk away, as I lay
               on the damp ground

leave me feeling cold
     charred,
                 burnt out.

I'm sorry for the things I've done
I'm sorry that I hurt you
I know
after this
I'll never see you again.
I know you're angry
And full of pain
You think I've ruined your life.

But you need to know it's for the better
I would have caused nothing but heartache in your life
You need someone like you
You deserve that happiness,
That security.

                                                   I'm sorry. I love you.
                                                         I hope you find
                                                             everything you're
                                                                   looking for.

I sit and watch my old self fade away
Not putting up a fight
I watch the person he gave up
Fade into oblivion
I watch the person they loved,
The person that wasn't good enough
Die.
There's no worth in crying over it
A nothing I will stay
Just more of one that doesn't give a ****
More and more each day
More and more she fades
More and more a smile grows
I stop to think

Isn't this a different version
of the game you used to play?
'If I only did this
he'd want to sleep with me again?'

If I only,
If I only,
If I only,
He would.

But you should know better than most
That he won't.

Today I realized

this year
it was only his birthday
and not

your deathdate.

I think it's starting to tip
into the realm of unhealthy,
possibly dangerous.
I've always been wary
of the edge
but this time
I see myself leaning,
I see myself teetering
Making decisions
I very soon regret
That I want to forget
But I can't
and I shouldn't
because these could be the moments
That keep me in check
I need to keep me in check
or the ending
could be
disastrous.

Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Pl­ease
Don't **** yourself.

I'm learning what
       to learn to say
I'm tripping up
       along the way
I try my best to be okay
  for you

I'm learning not to compromise
       between my wants
       and all my lies
That all those things
       that I have done
       I truly wanted to.

My stumbling steps
       seem not enough
But weary legs
       can be so rough
When lying down
       waiting to drown
       has been what got me through

But with your rough
        and strengthened hands
I'll take each step
        after I stand
Each fall is easier to land
   with you
   to come back to.

You are not a stranger,
No
I know your face quite well.
I still remember
your heartbeat
As I tried desperately
to hold all the blood
inside your heart,
Tried to keep you
from falling apart.

I never succeeded.

My fingernails only cut
more holes into your delicate skin.
All your tears
Only caused me to
Slip and fall,

I had to run
to keep you from stealing it all-
I cannot pretend
as if
none of this happened
I must remember

how I had to expel
parts of you
from deep within myself.
How your pain left me with scars.
Love is not the only thing
that leaves marks.

And my nails are still too sharp

To hold your fragile heart.

You asked me what had changed
         I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself add
to your current state of hell.
But if I were to be completely honest
I'd have to tell you
That it's those years that I have
     completely forgotten
                                                       ­            They changed me.

I had to learn to be less wanting
I had to learn to try less "us" things.
I had to distance myself
so you couldn't hurt me
Because you did-
  over and over again -
(I cannot say this.)

I guess it's the same as I'm hurting you now,
You showed me how...

But if we both lost this
       will we lose each other?

My heart is full of want,
I'm unsettled.
I can't move.
Can't sit.
Can't meddle
In any of my business





****
I lost it.

Red lines running through my
       mind all day
I cannot make them


                go away
   cannot let the thoughts
                  sink in
Like a razor in my skin


Cannot let them win

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                       every day
I cannot make it
               go away.
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same.


I know I am fighting
          a battle

that I will eventually
           lose.

The thoughts
like little barbs against my skin
trying still
to claw their way in,
to leave their marks.

Little pains
that never come to be
they have to get past me-
and the person
that I have learned to be

they don't know
how I've grown

They don't understand.

Or maybe I
am the one
underestimating them

They may get in
when my
resolve has
fallen too low
for it has been known
to do so
Maybe I'll buckle
Maybe I'll kneel

But until then

I will just feel
the knocking at the door,
Insisting

On me giving in,
taking that sharpness

to my skin,

feeling

Pain.

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                      every day
I cannot make it
               go away
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same

I know I am fighting a battle
  that I will eventually
            lose.

Why does the human heart
have to love
       so much?
Why do I have to
                                 yearn?
I would like to accept
  that things are
      the way they are
   And who cares?
                                     But I do
                    too much.
I want such a different
     life than I am living
And it's not so easy
to just "take a different path."
I like the road I'm on
It is just
    far too slow
          And it's killing me.

I'm so tired of breathing
                        the same
                           stale
                            air
So tire of waking
                     to nobody
                          there
Unbearably sick of
                       living
                            dependent

I can't stand it.

And now
after years of torment
with only brief reprise
I can hold your
damaged heart
throughout each night
I can keep it safely beating
right next to mine

I can keep the longest nights
and greet the
sun-filled sky

with you

substances won't solve your problems
all them start from where you got them
all them end from where you shy from
you're alone cause
you call no one

no spine
means no adequate help
you always fall
back on yourself
**** your health
you're the only one to die for

scrawl the words that say

NO MORE
NO MORE
NO MORE

He's transfixed by the well-spoken lyrics
of a metaphorical girl
but too tired,
too disconnected
for the feelings
of the girl in the real world right next to him.
Maybe she could text it to him
get his attention for more
than 30 seconds,
Be more like one of those videos
he swipes through
So much
that his finger
twitches to a beat.
But he's beat,
tired,
doesn't have time.

She's no long a mystery he can solve.
He put all the puzzle pieces together
but the image doesn't change.
He's not interested in things
that remain the same
Only new ideas every few seconds,
only stories he can get through in one night.
Anything else
requires too much focus,
too much commitment.

So she swallows and accepts
the few moments in time.
Tries to sum it all up in a thesis statement
Instead of rambling it up in rhyme.
But it feels so ******* insufficient
Every
single
time.

Pretty little bird,
Who created her own cage,
Who once hated her own wings
For being flighty.
Now stares outward
From behind her wooden bars,
That she picked so meticulously
For their comfort
            and safety.

And only now
           notices their restrictions.

There is safety
                but there are no skies.
        She loves to sing
                         but also to fly.

If she breaks some branches
    for a doorway
will the rest crumble
with her inside?

Or is it possible
      to have a nest to return to
    As well as the sky?

Should she try?

The eggshells started in the sink
But wound up on the floor.
I walked into the room
And they flew at me once more.
Shrinking my provisions
To the ones within this door.
Even taking out the trash
Is not a safe thing anymore.

If I had known, would I have showed?
Or would I have opted to stay home
Where the dishes can be loaded
Anyway I please
And not at me.