I'm so happy,
here in the heat
away from all the things
that remind me of you.
*(but some things still do)

You used to ask me why I never wrote about you,
or for you.
I wrote about him,
poem after poem,
about his mouth
his hands,
his solitude.

I never wrote about you,
because I didn't have to,
you were there beside me,
held my hand when I felt
underground.
I notice,
words come easier
when no one is around.

So here's your poem,
thank you,
for staying by me,
thank you
for not giving me
words to write about.

But I've already
spoken word poems
to you sleepy head
every morning
when I tell you,
I love you
I really do.

Words can save,
be saved
stuck in little glass jars,
keep-sake of last winters blues.

Whispered into a pillow,
swallowed after June.
Words follow like a shadow,
box them up,
dust collectors on your top shelf,
they will fall on you
when you reach for something too high.

Words are water, air, earth
drowning in I'm sorry
floating on I love you
buried by goodbye.

Words on post cards
spoke here
kissed onto pages
stamped
it never took a step
lost in translation

Words will keep you safe,
tuck you in at night
kiss you on the forehead
you're all alone.

Words are falling
rain,
rivers,
I am swimming
in the way you told me
how my skin felt

words save,
put your seat belt on
can be saved
I love you from here to here
Little glass jars
I don't want to die any more
Last winters blues
*You've started smiling again

Acid-washed,
sipping in the summer
of your grit eroded
hands,

not a mans hands,
not worn with work
but plastic knobs,

you are a boy still,
with boyish hands
and narrow hips
and a selfishness
I can taste in your kiss.
(It's still just as sweet)

Resurrect me,
time-out,
save game data
pause.

You smell like winter blues,
old-west movies
and soft skin.
You're the only home I've ever known.

Pick-axe,
Zhonya's Hourglass,
Feral Flare,
Level-up

Max-level
let's platinum
I'm not ready
to give you up yet

*(I leave in less than three months and I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I love you so much)

My mouth is scarred
and my gums
are bleeding out.

My captive words
are decaying me.

I poured myself into you,
as if you were a mold.
My imperfections spilling through your skin,
till you coughed up my failures.

I looked at your hands
and I found my callouses.

Broken and stained,
I slept on the couch.
Your skin started to feel cold,
I could feel it flaking off.
I have deteriorated you.

When I cut my own throat,
you choked on my blood.

I wanted you to need me,
so I slipped into your arms,
and sighed my name in your mouth,
until you did.

I tried to hold onto you,
but my manipulations are sharp
and you shattered.

I was never sad,
only
disappointed
in myself.

I am not
as good
as I thought.
and I might
have needed you
a little bit
too.

You
sprinting to meet your sideways obsessions.
Your hands thread through my insulation
I am embroidered with your insecurities.

Across your hips and rippling through
me,
I am upside down phobias.

You dug into gravel,
and rocks flew from your hands
coated with confused affection
and hit every pane of glass for miles around

Residue at the bottom of wine bottles,
and the very first sip.
I drank you, too much
skin on skin
your coldness embraced me so softly
I forgot about spring.

I am open space and you are hard wet rock,
you lie in one place for as long as you can remain solid,
I fly between here and there
anywhere that
I can breathe new air
you are molded by your surroundings
I carve away at mine
you will hide beneath my winds
I will rest on your
sun bathed smooth skin.
I am always changing
you are exquisitely stable
we fold into each other
blind
for I've never stayed in one place
and you kiss your routines
like a mother tucking in her children
I want to know how you think,
and you are terrified
of how I dream for days
without waking up.
When I jump from the bridge
you will be the break in my fall,
please
don't let me shatter.

I don't know,
how to turn on my heels
and leave you lonely,
even if it would be better for us both.

And I don't know
how to use the arms
that hold you close at night
to push you away
even though I know I need too.

I am beginning to find too much comfort
in your scars
too much laughter by your side,
too much sweetness in your kisses
and I do not want to be that close to someone again.

Because today I received a letter
thick and important,
giving me my freedom
to leave this town I have lived in my whole life,
and you.
I will leave you too.

I am going to go
788 miles away from your sleepy eyes
and messy hair.

I want to,
I want to fall into a world
where no one knows me,
and I will be cleansed
by the blanket
of anonymity.

I am still figuring out,
how to fold my fingers into yours
without holding on too tightly,
but I will keep your name in my pocket,
your words beneath my tongue,
and I will leave.
I will leave.

When there's snow on the ground,
you are the ocean
you are too large,
too deep
for frost to move
more than polar parts of you.

You will struggle to swim to the equator,
but once you get there
suns are high,
and you will be warm and cozy;

But, more than once
the tide will drag you to your arctic.
and I will kiss you through your shivers
but nothing I can do
will stop your blood from running cold.
but baby, it will pass.

You are the ocean,
and ships have recked
to kiss your curves
and love has been made
inside your blood
and one day
you will love the way
you shudder without cause
and you will find beauty
in your hurricanes,
even if that day is not today.

I could right a thousand sonnets
about the way it feels
when your blue hands hug my hips
and your salty lips brush my neck.

So when your lost
in your dark blue,
remember that there are those,
dreaming of your turquoise.
and I am wading in your shallows
to brace your raging torrent,
and remind you
that baby, you are the ocean,
and the storms will always pass.

I gave you everything
you said you wanted,
and more
but none of it was enough
because it was all from me
and I am not enough
for someone like you.

There are many things I need to do,
want to do,
am going to do,

Many places I need to go,
want to go,
am going,

Things I need to see,
want to see,
am seeing,

But to look into your sleepy eyes,
on the other side of my pillow each morning,
that by itself
would be enough for me.

Tonight my anxiety is too bad to sleep
so I am repainting the walls of my heart,
so long over-due
and I have already decorated pink
over the scars you left,
and blue
on the fresh wounds
he cut me with tonight
and I've put both your names in the shredder,
because I just tidied up the living space
and I'm through
with all this ******* chaos.

I think that you are beautiful
and you deserve
everything on this earth
but I can't give you the world,
because you already are
all I can do is float on your oceans,
and sleep in the shade of your pines,
and lay with you watching the stars
and pray that I am enough

I wanted you to love me,
so that I could love myself
but that's never the right way
to go about things,
I thought your lips
would wash away my heartache
but now
I am drowning in it.

I liked the way,
I watched your
chaos
from the sidelines,
but you outstretched your hand,
like you would ask for a dance,
and you pulled me into
your wonderland vortex
*I have never been the same

I felt your warmth leave in the setting sun,
and your eyes glow in the darkness.
I watch your shadow walk away,
so heavy,
an anchor in shallow water,
you will not drown yet.

I have felt your finger stroking my cheek,
heard your breath as you hide your face into my shoulder,
I wanted to protect you,
I tried to stand in front you with a sword flaming with good intentions
striking every bad thought and insecurity,
that came bounding at you
but I've always had bad aim.

I tried to keep you from shaking,
but you shook anyways
I tried to keep your from crying
but the tears still came,
I tried to keep you happy
but I myself am weak
and the monster of depression
has left us both crippled in it's cataclysmic wake.

I washed my hands,
and kissed your forehead
and left without a goodbye,
because I wanted more than anything to help you feel better,
but all I do is remind you,
that you are alone
even when I'm right next to you.
I wish this wasn't so

*I will always love you

To the boys who never loved me,
but pretended they did,
if only for a night.
To the boys who never loved me,
and used my body as a surrogate for the voids in their heart
left by others
or by themselves,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but our nights of passion left memories so sweet,
not in your heart or in the palm of your hand
but right on the tip of your ****
where you remember the way it felt
with your fingers in my hair
and my breath on your thigh.
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but claimed they did
or told me lies
to get beneath my fabric,
where disappointed they found,
that I was not the long term answer to their insecurities,
only a nighttime siren,
plagued with sadness
that made you slowly back away
when you got deeper than skin,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I could not be her,
the one you thought you had forgotten,
I am sorry that I could not fix you,
and I'm sorry that you could not fix me.
I am sorry for the nights of *******
where we tried so hard to make love,
and instead we drowned in our own self pity,
and made resentment instead,
I am sorry.

I am sorry for the promises I broke to you,
and the promises you broke to me
all stemming from the fact that too often
we think intimacy will bring us together
when it has only ripped us apart,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you could not find yourself in me,
or that you found too much of yourself in me,
I am sorry that I was not enough,
I'm sorry for the things I have done to you,
and the things you have done to me.


To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.

When I fell for you,
I didn't know
about the scars
that you are bound to get
from being dropped
from such great heights,
and the blood has dried,
and the bruises that were once
beautiful shades
of lavender
have now yellowed
and faded,
but those ******* scars
you've left all over my body
and heart,
they are there
for the long run.

I wrote your name in the sand
knowing how the tide works
and knowing how temporary it would stay there,
and yet somehow
I was still crushed
under the waves,
that pulled you away from me.

Today is your 53rd birthday
and the 6th year
that I haven't been around for it
because you chose the handle of Kessler whiskey
over your own ******* daughter.
So drink up,
Daddy.

R-
It was fun,
and I knew you were too good to be true,
and you proved that
when you stopped calling,
with no explanation
or goodbye
and I was confused
and disappointed,
until I saw you around town with another girl,
and then I was just disappointed.

S-
Your face was all to familiar,
because you look exactly like
the first boy I really loved,
so maybe thats why
from the first time I saw you
I knew I wanted to kiss you,
and then I did,
a bunch
and later you acted like
it never happened.
So I pretended like,
it didn't mean a lot to me.

C-
Damaged boy,
I want to kiss your scars
and kiss your face
if only you would let me in.





*Kinda lame but I'm feeling down and this was just some stuff I needed to get off my chest.

I woke up to find you still lingered on my tongue,
even though you left so long ago,
I felt your kiss every time I puffed on a black american spirit
and I felt your hands every time the river waters embraced my waist.

I would have gone anywhere with you,
if you wanted to trek the biggest, coldest, mosquito eater infested mountain
I swear to God I would have followed you.

I wanted to trace the cupids bow of your upper lip every night
before I went to sleep.
I wanted to take your hand and put it against my cheek
and kiss every single one of your fingertips
because they create magic
because everything you do is magic.

The feel of your soft hands ghosted on the small of my back
as I tried to push your face out of my mind
through empty bottles that make me miss you even more.

I've loved before and I'll love again,
but what would I give to love you and only you for the rest of my life
and I'll wish on every shooting star
and every fallen eyelash
that some way some how,
I'll kiss you goodnight
and help you fight your nightmares that I know come so often.
I'd never want to see you unhappy,
and I swear if you let me hold you,
I'd never let you go.

A beautiful boy,
with eyes like emeralds,
and heart full of sadness
deep enough to break boulders.
I wanted to heal his scars,
but I suppose
I should worry about my own first,
because Jameson bottles,
are not the best medication
but god it tastes so fine
and I wanted you to kiss me,
the way I kissed you,
but we don't always get what we want
*no matter how bad I want it

Dime bags burned up in one bowl,
two **** rips to make your head spin
backs up against an old fence,
paint flaking off onto your beige sweater,
It seemed fitting that the last time we would be able to make love,
we had no where to go.
Instead we kissed under the stars,
in a strangers lawn,
and I knew without words
that I had already left your concerns.

I held you like a helium balloon,
cautiously,
knowing all too soon,
you would float away from me.

You will flock to the ocean,
where it is easier for you to breathe,
and eventually
I will retreat to the desert
where my bloods flows easier.

You were one of the people,
we all come across in our lives,
who mean so little
and so much
to us, all at once.

Your gorgeous freckles,
and the smell of cigarettes mixed with cologne,
will remind me of this summer,
and nights with no sleep,
anywhere we could find to be together.

I told myself I wouldn't write a poem about you,
spotted boy
but I can't fully accept what happened
without writing it down.

So thanks for all the nights you held me,
and all the kisses you gave me,
and all the times you made me feel good,
and all the times you made me laugh,
and thank you for making this summer so much brighter
with your big smile and your big blue eyes
and of course,
those gorgeous freckles.

Open gravel,
winding to
your off-road heart

left turn to
forever,
but I pulled a hard right
into
heartbreak.

There's a mostly empty bottle
of Jameson Irish Whiskey
sitting by my bed,
where I wish you were laying next to me,

and I drove here alone,
drunk
when you should have been driving me
sober
just like we used to do,
we were a team
you and I,
I fell apart,
and you would always put me back together
and were always there
to kiss me goodnight.

I've got a nasty habit,
of leaving
when I should just
stay.

What's so awful,
about all of this
is that at the bottom of it,
I am happier without you.
It would be easier to just miss you,
and think that the only way
I will be happy again
is to be with you forever,
but we both know
that is far from the truth.

I am no good with changes,
and it's been months
but I still can't believe
our forever fell
so short.

I am counting down the days
'till empty bottles
make me think about someone else
besides you
because god,
it's ******* killing me.

I would give you rivers and seas,
if only I could
encompass the tidal pulls
to bring them straight
to your bedroom window.

I found you lingered
in each drag of my
ever growing
cigarette addiction,
but addiction means trapped,
and I like to think of myself
as unchained.

Deep cuts on my forearm,
from falling off barbed wire
trying to reach you.
My friends will swat my hands,
when I reach for the scabs
I have a awful habit
of re-opening wounds.

And mornings are better,
when awoken with light kisses,
but they make nights alone
much worse
Because I long for your heavy breathing,
and your soft skin
to lull me to sleep.

I walked on ice so thick,
for so long,
your easy waves
and astounding depths,
caught me off guard
sometimes I forget how to use words,
because we talk so much
without them.

Wrote and rewrote
six separate drafts
trying to describe
how much I enjoy your freckles,
as well as your company
but I'm scared
because when summer ends,
like the gorgeous spots on your shoulders
you will fade,
but I don't want to let go

Tonight at a party there was a boy who looked exactly like you,
same perfect rounded almond eyes,
same scruffy slightly curly hair,
his eyes were even green, as I recall.
While I barely even know him, I found myself trying to be in his presence more than anyone else,
If he went outside I would take note, and eventually follow,
when he came inside, the same thing.
When we would talk I would feel my heart speed up.
I do not know this boy,
I most certainly do not love this boy,
but in the moment this boy became hot summer nights in the back of a Toyota pickup,
he became initials carved into half the trails in town,
he became drunken nights of confessing everything to each other,
he became the best friend I ever had,
he became what once was my world,
and the painful wall of nostalgia hit me in the heart like a shotgun,
even though I know I'm better without you,
and even though I know things would never have worked,
I loved you more than you will ever know,
and I still do, I suppose.
And the boy tonight was a painful reminder that I will be looking for you,
in every person I'm with for a long time,
because you were great,
and together we were great,
and I wish love alone had been enough to keep us both happy,
but it wasn't,
and things fall apart,
but I wish they didn't.

I awoke from your burning casket
so abruptly,
I did not even notice
I was no longer chained to your memory.

I sing again, and laugh again
for everyone to hear,
and far more often
than I ever did with you.
I did not even see the cage you put me in,
until you were completely out of my head.

I do not think about you much anymore,
and I cannot even begin to explain
how freeing that is.

And when I think to happiness,
I do not see your stone scarred face,
or your shadowed skinny torso,

Instead I see train track bridges,
and two beautiful blonde boys
strumming a Baby Taylor guitar.
And countless days,
spent beneath the sun
in a river that felt more apart of my heart,
than a part of the landscape.

I think of the way her smoke rings
could hit your face just right,
and how contagious laughter could be,
when you are sharing memories and a bottle of cheap *****.

The good times, have not killed me yet.

In the same bed I shared with you,
I found love that was greater than you ever gave me,
I found the acceptance I never felt from you,
I made memories that mean more to me than you ever did,
and I found an extreme happiness and content
I could not have found until I was rid of you for good.

To others;
Love lost will be replenished,
maybe not in the same way,
but it will be replenished.
It all just takes time.

You gave her bouquets of branches,
because she saw more beauty
in sticks than flowers.
And today I was asked what phase
the moon would be in tonight,
to decide how discreetly
he could kayak on an overly patrolled lake,
beneath the stars.

Seven cigarettes and others,
to ease the tribulation of a
warm lonely summers night,
where unplanned contacts,
led to strange content.

A book and a boy and a pen,
and a thousand words
that had yet to be inspired,
through a faulty habit
that took paychecks and too many hours.

Darkness molded itself around my peripherals,
like the ones your grandfather watches baseball out of,
and the love that pushed through the cloudiness,
to enter my cornea with grasping motions
from pretty faces with laughter to spread but no dime to spare.
They are the reason why

In a small church parking lot
I found beauty in the delicacy of change,
and the way things can crumble
and bloom,
so very near to each other.

Falling into the sink hole brimmed with pretty flowers,
to distract your naive eyes
from the aphotic subterrane
just past the things that sparkle.
We put pretty bows on vulnerability,
and call it 'love'
pretending that it will chase the monsters away,
when it really just creates them.

I fell into your calloused hands,
yearning for them to cleanse me
of my murky insecurities,
instead they scrutinized my character,
and I saw my confidence leave me
in pretty ribbons of melted gold.

I once saw the sunrise from the back of a Toyota pickup,
by a creek with cold water and sour memories,
but there was more light in my head then,
because that was long before I started to see my father in your scarred face,
and before you asphyxiated both me and my hopes in you.

I swallowed pain and brushed off distress,
through stale promises and pretty jewels.
You told me it's better to let things go,
and I'm still not sure
why I believed in you so ******* much.

You lived by the motto 'no worries'
and so you were reckless,
and stupid,
and all wrong for the girl
who wraps caution tape over every decision she ever makes.

Things fall apart,
and people fall apart,
and ideas of someone that have been built up in your head for five years
can crumble from just one sleep deprived night,
when you 'calmed me down'
the same way my father used to.

And with bitter content,
and finally no more regret,
I hope Hakuna Matata works out for you,
and I hope she never drinks as much of your poison as I did,
because stains on the heart,
do not come out from swallowing bleach.

I kissed the boy,
with the sunny smile,
and the ocean eyes.
and when he kissed me back
I could taste pity on his lips.

And when he held my hand,
and made fun of me,
because I held it wrong,
I knew you were never mine to keep,
no matter how much I wanted too.

we once saw a movie at midnight,
caressed my hand through the whole thing
and afterwards,
when you got shaky and anxious
I packed you a bowl,
and sat with you while you smoked it.
Fell asleep in your arms,
happy and warm.

you woke me up,
with sleepy kisses
and we skipped school,
and you made me breakfast
and we went on a hike,
ventured off the trail,
and I slid on some rocks
and ripped my favorite pants,
you laughed and kissed me,
and promised you would sew them.
for a moment I thought everything would work out

but you are a complicated person,
and I wish I had known the extent of that,
before we made love,
because you never had much love to give back,
and you took a lot from me,
at a point when I had very little to keep for myself,
I guess it was all just bad timing.

But I'm good now,
and you are....
good?
And I can pretend like we never touched,
and you can pretend like we never kissed,
and that's fine
because everything is good now.

I am going to watch Fellowship of the Ring
and recite every line,
just like I always do,
and instead of feeling like a sad loser,
I will remind myself
that someday I will watch it with another,
who shares my passion,
and like Celeborn and Galadriel,
we will rule over Lorien,
together.

You can learn a lot
about a butterfly,
by it's cocoon

And you once told me,
that it's okay to take shelter,
and that you would follow me anywhere,
if that's what I wanted.
But that isn't what this is about.

On the topic,
of adolescence,
and maturity
I believe there is little room
for growth,
when things are going well.

Ironic,
that the times
when we want to erase ourselves from the world,
teach us the most
about who we really are.

I used to scribble your name,
and erase it on a page,
over and over
like it would make me forget,
how it felt to feel your hands on my cheek,
but that's not what this is about.

Pushed myself,
to the edge of destruction,
like a test
of how it felt,
to have nothing left.

And in that moment,
I became painfully aware,
that I had everything,
but was too blinded by self-loathing
to see it.

Self-awareness comes
with a lot of pain,
but opens the doors,
to a lot of happiness.
*and that's what this is about

Virginities, well
we could have waited longer
guess we were just bored

2. Loving you softly,
Two years seems awful short now
Gave it all away

3. Wine coolers and shots
drunk kisses and some *******
needy rebounding

4. Told each other secrets,
friendship turned to more, quickly,
then back to sadness