I will bide my time,
Before I retreat to the desert,
In search of the warmth,
I could not find in these pines.
I loved you memory,
More than I ever loved you,
And for that
I am truly sorry.
I was born in a paradise,
But it was never a haven for me,
These trees make me feel so small,
And this beautiful river
Stole too much of my heart,
That I started to resent it
And I left most of my soul
In a silver Toyota truck
That drove away forever
Three summers ago,
There is no kindling left
For me to rebuild my fire with,
At least not here,
I am weary and sad,
Mostly,
Whenever I grasp for something sturdy,
I find it is nothing but dead vines,
I was not meant for this beautiful place,
I am a **** among beautiful wild flowers,
This is not my garden.

Able-bodied,
and minded
and happy.
A fish
in water
too deep,
or maybe too shallow.
Hands, rough
skin, clean.
Wait for the tide
to roll in.
Wake and walk
float,
or drown
depends on how deep
the sorrow goes
I will hold you under

Dedicated to Autumn Nolen and Katie Ormsby*


Sewed little pink stitches,
all over my broken heart.
Soothed my worries
with sweet words
and reality T.V.
I had forgot how important,
friendship is.
Late night talks and afternoon hikes,
little black dresses and curling irons
Our hands interwoven,
laughed through dark streets,
and bright rooms.
Smoke and sunshine and sisterhood.
I am so thankful,
to have friends like you.

The second cup of coffee,
the first was not enough.
I need more gold caffeine.
I need a lot of things
We used to drink it together,
now I drink it by myself
every morning
I'd bring you a big cup
and you'd ask me if I made it with love
of course I did.
Now my own cup,
tastes bitter
regardless of the amount of creamer used.
I'm on my second cup of coffee,
the first was not enough

We were 6 years old, we were innocent, we we're playing. Just playing, in the most innocent sense of the word. With dolls, or blocks, or trucks, or dirt. I don't remember. We we're playing and then we weren't. We were playing and then the darkness came, and it took away our blocks. It took away our safety net of protection and threw us down the slide of demons.
Your demons. His demons.
We were 7 years old, we were innocent, we we're singing. Just singing, in the most innocent sense of the word. Songs, or lullabys, or comercials, or imporved words. I don't remember. We we're singing, and then we weren't. The darkness struck again, and this time hit us hard with liquor filth and stench.
Your stink, his drink.
We were 8 years old,  we were still innocent, we were riding. Just riding, in the most innocent sense of the word. Bikes, or scooters, or rollerblades, or skateboards. I don't remember. We we're riding, and then we weren't. The darkness grabbed our wheels and lurched us onto the pavement 'till our skin ran red and he told us we were *****.
His fault, our blood.

We were 9 years old, we still had bits of innocense, we were running. Just running, but not so innocent. On feet, we ran. I remember. We ran towards the sunset, quickly, but not quick enough. The darkness caught up to us, panting. Struck through us with quivering blades, and took away every drop of innocense left.
His addiction, our innocense.

We were 10 years old, we no longer had any innocense, we got away. A big man in blue took the crying darkness away, and stored him in a box made of cement and metal. Darkness said he'd see us when we were 18, thinking we loved him. Loved him through his addiction, because deep down there was light? And we were good girls, weren't we? We could see the light in him, right?
No light, Only darkness.

I cannot speak
Your name.
I cannot hear
Your voice.

The sight of you
makes me heart



drop.

And the sight of you,
with her,
makes my heart




drop


even




further.

So why, first love, tell me.
is it, that
I still play
all the songs
that I know,
will remind me,
of
you.

Tell me, first love, why,
when my dreams,
stray,
to you,
I awake,
happy.
And my day,
enhanced?

First love,
it is not fair,
to say,
you broke
my
heart.

Getting over
you, is
a choice.
A choice,
that I am
not ready
to make.

Because
all
this
time
a   p  a  r  t ,
has made me
realize,
the truth.
That I am nothing without,
you.







But it's too late.




Right?

We are



So




Very



Far away.





In maters of miles.




But





With you.



I've never


Been closer

In matters
of heart.

Your memory looms,
but that I was expecting.
I guess
I though you would just fade away,
dissolve with the air,
and there would be nothing left.

I am stronger now than I was then.
You made me that way.
It doesn't hurt the way it did,
nothing does.
I finally grew
strong enough.
To be happy.

I put back up the walls
which you had helped me tear down.
Maybe not a good thing
But it helped me
get through
everything
that I would have needed
you,
to get me through.

The whole point of,
this.
Is to tell you,
that I'm glad you're happy.
And I'm glad I'm happy.
And that's that.

Your smokey breath upon my face,
you shouted your casual cruelties,
humiliated me in places deep inside.

Look through me now,
for I am no longer here.
I ran long ago.

Don't try and find me,
I am lost within my walls,
I fall every second,

I'm not much of a blamer,
but this was not my fault,
you pushed me to the edge.

And I fell.