climbing the crystal tower
seems lovely
as you scratch your way up
the crystals crumble
falling into your eyes
burning and making you cry warm thick liquid
is this happiness?
your a lucky one
you make it to the top
but did you expect this?
to get down they have to hate you
to get down you must be pushed.
they love to see you fall
down
down
soaking into to the ground like clay
soaking into the ground like all of us

youve just ****** me and i can finally sleep
your skin is oppressive and abrasive
but tonight i let you sink into me
the wall i have rubs thin
when i am a few shots deep
tonight i let you **** me
your kisses are jarring
but tonight they feel sweet and silly
i can finally sleep now
come morning
you will return

subtle dancing to Erik Satie
dancing that isn't dancing at all
I exist much bigger for you
I squeeze your head
warm familiar liquid seeps out
your head scrunched, peaceful despair
I pour myself into you again
screaming death as you mold me like clay
a kiss goodnight
you hold me
running your fingers all over your creation

it is a burden to have a body
my body is gnarly and sore
my body has been possessed and tortured
it never feels enough and it never feels alone
my body as a vessel to hold my youth
its all he may ever see in me
beyond my little girl quirks
he knows those will deminish with my old lady bitterness just like it did with his wife.
i have begun feeling the weight of a woman on my shoulders.
young girls feel this when they realize they cant afford immaturity.
my best friend held my hair and called me beautiful while i ****** her the other night.
i let him call me a ****, and a ***** because he asks nicely.
i worry about the fact that i only feel pretty when he wants to be rough with me.
my body wants still to be possessed and tortured
she isnt used to it any other way
my body is sluggish, and uncertain
my body is crying for help
i dont know if i can help my body
it is a burden to have a body

When I became teen
and my heart began to bleed
I learned that the ones you love
are not how they seem
seeking the one above
trying to come clean
then you succumb
a ***** conscience
you can wishfully redeem
but a bad reputation
bursts your life at the seams
if I am not me anymore
what must I be
could I be the beast they claim to see?
or am I the gentle heart I pretend to be

the blanket blew away
the one you layed out for me over top the sand
for just a moment i wanted to stand and have my moment with the ocean
the blanket blew away and i'm alone again
i must have been naked this whole time
because suddenly i feel the wind brush against my bare chest.
youre about 300 meters away by now
trailing the blanket that blew away
with you gone
and our blanket blown away
i have no choice but to bury myself in the sand
i begin digging a hole like a dog on all fours
i lay myself inside and let the sand cover me entirely
the sand wraps my legs and coats my belly button
the sand crawls up my arms and shields my ****
i take a deep breath in and close my eyes
the sand has been layered above me by now
i believe i wont be found again
i know how they dont come back

I looked dolefuly at my reflection
and once more I made the connection
I fell to the floor
a state of dejection
an ugly *****
addicted to injection
digging into my core
I know the answer is restriction
I swore to myself
next time you will be perfection

if time could tell the longings of your heart I think you would love me

your mark is a fiery ball growing inside me, like a warm pain that reminds me I'm alive.

I think I would cut my hair and become a man if it meant you would love me too

I remember you telling everyone I left my bra at your house because I wanted you.

around you I'm a paper bark tree, spreading myself thin for you

I remember buying you a book for your writing, I loved when you sang your poems, it felt like listening to myself

I remember telling you I wish there was a male version of you so we could be together, I remember kissing your brother, you didn't like that.

we where a wet crystal ball, slipping through my fingers

paint yourself red
enter the ocean and let the paint melt off
like blood
if anyone helps
drown them
if no one helps
drown yourself.

Winter 2019